I think the level of revelation depends how high your need for O&H is and how much lies/secrecy/a second life contributed to the afair.

For me all these things are a factor, so if my BH were to tell me something really bad, which put him in a bad light, which was disgusting and heartbreaking....

My reaction would be to feel relief that the tide was turning. I feel closer to people when they are honest about the bad stuff. Anyone can be honest about good stuff!

Not everyone is the same though

At the end of the day she MUST give the level of revelation that YOU need.

You wife's affair lasted 2 years, right? She lied to you for two years, right? I would say that you deserve two years of questions to cancel out two years of lies.

If you are going to cave into her demands, because as we all know it can cause considerable angst for a wayward to be called to acount for their behavior, best just to get it out of the way quickly, then you could write out a laundry list of questions for her to answer while she's hooked up to a polygraph. One time deal should be under your conditions, correct?

Zeros: First off, happy belated birthday. Some day, you'll feel like celebrating again.

Please keep on the message boards getting the kind of help you need. I'm a BS, too, and it's been a long road to recovery, but you can get there.

Regarding the questions. You are getting great advice. I like that you want to be respectful of your wife not wanting to relive it every day. BSs fear they will never be forgiven and be in a painful marriage/jail for the rest of their lives. Fair enough. But that's the beauty of MB; if you work the program YOU WILL RESTORE LOVE! So reassure her that this is part of your healing process.

There's a great, long post somewhere on this site about us, the BSes, and how we're grasping because we are sitting in front of a large puzzle with thousands of missing pieces. Only your WW knows what they are and how they all fit -- because they built this puzzle. Waywards don't want to give you those pieces because the picture it reveals is horrible and reminds them of the pieces of $$it they were when they were assembling it.

But ... you need to know what you need to know. And, in a sense, you need for your BS to see how much these revelations will hurt you. And they will. Horribly. For them, their A was intoxicating fun (or most of it), but when they are shown how destructive their selfish behavior was, trust me, any lingering thoughts of their A being romantic will be blown away.

For about two weeks after my DDay (worst day of my life), my FWH and I would walk our dog and I would ask questions. He didn't like answering, but I needed to know what I needed to know ... and I needed him to hear/see how hurt I was.

But always afterward, we made time to work the MB program, and I worked my butt off on trying to work through my pain, insecurity and, eventual, anger about it.

Ask what you need, but in the end, focus on the future, on the kind of marriage you want to build with her.

Hope this helps.

ITA with everyone else, this cannot be a one time thing.

That being said, think carefully about how much information you actually want to know about the A. There are a lot of things I wish I didn't know about my WHs A, such as details about the sex. I wish I could go back and un-ask those questions.

1. Why would you believe that the truth of your affair should be discussed once, and never again see the light of day, especially knowing that I cannot possibly be able to compile the correct list of questions in advance, as your mere withholding of the truth virtually guarantees that I cannot discern what I should ask, and what I should refrain from asking so I don't waste time?

2. Would you be willing to write a list of questions for me that I should have asked, along with complete and truthful responses, so if I have failed to ask questions in any area that would have revealed a portion of the truth that I might want to know, need to know, or that you are withholding from my knowledge for any reason whatsoever, including your belief that "what I do not know won't hurt me", I can get those answers and make sure I cover that ground as well?

3. If you were in my shoes, would your expectation be that I would be allowed to withhold the truth of your life and marriage from you, dictate to you that you have only one chance to ask questions regarding that truth, and then never speak of it again?

4. Following this questioning session, would your expectation be that my level of trust be reduced or increased regarding my perception of your sincerity and cooperation when it comes to the recovery of our love and marriage?

5. Given the "one-last-chance" situation, is it your view that I will come to the table with a truly open heart toward the responses you give, or do you believe that I will have a heart harded with the notion that your responses will be tainted by your continued withholding of information, hopeful that I will fail to ask certain questions so that you will never have to tell me the entire truth of your affair? Do you hope in your heart that we will run out of time and I will never really get to something, or that I will have never really figured out what to ask in the first place?

6. If I fail to ask the correct questions, in the correct way, to elicit the whole truth, what happens if three months from now something occurs that reveals some information which requires you to offer information - or me to ask something? Given that people are human, after all, things happen. How do you propose that an unknown future be handled?

7. How do you propose we handle your one-last-chance proposal if I refuse the deal, and decide that I want to hear the whole truth of my life in a manner that an adult deserves?

8. What do you say to recovering the marriage in a way that is loving, honest, trusting, open, and mutually respectful, and skip the ultimatums regarding the one-shot deal today? Because at this point, I need more time to recover from the nuclear bomb in the marriage, and if this is a take-it-or-leave-it deal


I leave it.

I love you, honey. Let me know when you are ready to tell me the truth of my marriage.


Schoolbus

WOW.....that insight is what I needed to hear.......WOW!
The future......that's my goal!
I'd like to have the Wife in it......but she lives outside the home now and won't even talk to me.

IF you absolutely are set on asking affair questions:

Oh, Honey, I suppose I really only have four questions......maybe five....

1. What are the top ten things you do NOT want me to know about your affair?

2. Tell me every sexual experience you had with the OM, beginning with the first touch of any body part of yours to any body part of his, on any occasion; then tell me each and every occasion and incident of every such touching of every such body part; finishing with the most recent body part touchings. (There is NO wiggle room there. She would have to cover every encounter.)

3. Tell me every word of every conversation that happened between the two of you from the exact moment that the first verbal or written communication began between the two of you. Include any communications that may have passed in emails, on the telephone, via computer, in writing on paper, on Facebook or other computer sites, in vehicles, in meetings, anywhere and everywhere on this planet. Were to have been astronauts, I will need that information as well, if it is available from mission control. If not, tell me what you remember, word-for-word as best you recall. Produce anything that you may have retained for yourself, in files, on computer, in boxes, wherever you may have it, so that I may examine it for myself. Include receipts, cards, notes, love letters, etc. Anything that may remotely be considered "communication" between two humans that may have occurred.

4. Tell me the "story" of your affair, as though I were a friend to whom you were relating this episode of your life. Explain to me your innermost thoughts, the reasons you were thinking these thoughts, your emotions, and your self-talk as you go through each event.


5. Is there anything that I should be asking you that you are still withholding from me, that I should know, could know, but do not know, but have failed to ask you about because I just plain don't know enough to ask you about and you are not going to tell me because you have some reason - whatever that reason might be - not to tell me?

6. OOooops. I lied. What questions should I never ask the OTHER MAN?

Explain to the counselor that this will "take some time". Your wife may need to order in some food, as this "one-chance-only" deal may take a little longer than she expected.


Or, perhaps, she might wish to reconsider the one-time-only deal. Her choice.




SB

Schoolbus, what you suggested reminded me of a movie called Back to School starring Rodney Dangerfield, where he has to have an oral examination. The first professor doesn't like him and says he has only two questions, but the first has 17 different parts.

The first professor doesn't like him and says he has only two questions, but the first has 17 different parts.

Way back in the last century (Think about it!), on the first day of first grade, as an ice-breaker my teacher asked us what we would ask for with three wishes. I immediately shouted that my first wish would be that I could have unlimited fulfilled wishes!

She never forgave me!

I have often considered that I missed my calling and would have been a relentless bulldog attorney.

My husband says someone might have shot me after my first deposition-taking. Probably the opposing counsel

I also thought once or twice about going into politics, but my sarcastic nature makes it hard for me. I would find it difficult not to just shred people in the media who ask questions with underlying meanings - and also dishonest politicians that I would have to work with .

It's hard enough doing what I do, and having to deal with politicians at work all the time. And the bureaucracy. Sheesh.


I hope zeroskilz has a good session today. I am wondering how this goes. I for one would not accept these terms. I would probably hand everything I had over to the WW, walk out of the house naked, and tell her I was dead to her. She could have the assets, the bills, and figure it out for herself.

The next thing she would hear from me would be from the attorney if she filed for divorce. I would just be gone. Harsh, I know, but I would just not be able to deal with not knowing the truth, being shut out of never being able to talk about it or ask about it, and never really being sure I covered the entire ground.

Not worth dealing with for ME. Zeroskilz has more strength than I have, and I admire him for it.


SB

I for one, think he should hear the sex stuff, because it FORCES the ws to finally uncover the darkest of the affair. That is the stuff that they NEVER want others to hear. yes it is most devastating, but it is what wipes away their blinders forever.

It is the little secrets like that kept that make the fantasies churn in their heads when the fog rolls in. Blow the fog away once and for all with truth. Suddenly the roll in the hay at the motel 6 is NOT romantic. it is dirty, disgusting, and evil. It is deception and lies. It is NOT at all in the least romantic or forbidden or whatever. it is just now something that was criminal and wrong the WS did.

Yes.
I agree.

This is GENIUS ..... evil genius.

Please remember WHO is in the drivers' seat right now ok?

Hint: NEVER put an IMPAIRED driver behind the wheel! Do not LET the wayward drive the recovery process for it will be a decade before you have one half azzed truth ok?

She gives it up, the information, or she gives up her keys to the house and car you are paying for and she packs up her clothes and gets the heck out imho.

Like Oceans' 11. Are you in or are you out?

Notable post! (You shoulda been a lawyer SB (or a Judge)!)

I guess if I am feeling limited in my questions, I would never want to make anyone feel I was trying to limit them in their ability to respond. I wouldn't want them to feel I was trying to be mean or anything.


SB

"1. What are the top ten things you do NOT want me to know about your affair?

I guess if I am feeling limited in my questions, I would never want to make anyone feel I was trying to limit them in their ability to respond. I wouldn't want them to feel I was trying to be mean or anything."

This is magical, SB.

You crazy, wicked, brilliant woman!

Next week: Schoolbus takes over the world...