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Hi, I posted my situation on the general forum, but it became apparent that I should have posted my problem here.
Last year (2010) my wife became increasingly friendly with a man who was doing work on our house. they went for bike rides and dog walks and ended up doing a lot of work on the house together, and he did not charge us any money for his time. He is married and has children much the same age, and our kids get on very well. He did lots of free child care. My wife einvited the family over a lot, and we also spent weekends together. I did not particularlyu like this family, but went along with it as my wife enjoyed their company and my daughter liked playing with their son (they are both 10 yrs> I was increasingly uncomfortable with the amount of time they were spending alone together, but there was pressure to finish the house and I thought that once that was finished the contact would lessen. I failed to confront them. Then in December my wife said she did not want to be with me, I confronted her about Alan the buiolder, but she denied it, and then in Februiary she said she wanted to be with a colleague at the place that my wife and I both work. However she said that they had not had sex, and that she did not want to leave because of the children (We have twin girls aged 17 and another daughter aged 10). Since then both she and Colin (the man at work) have said that the affair is over, but obviously we all work together. My wifes contact with Alan the builder has also lessened, although Alan is taking a strong interest in one of the twins and takes her out for driving lessons and to watch films with his family and she bakes him cakes etc.
Im have rad the forum and the material on the website, which makes so much sense. My wife is withdrawn, sad, avonds being with me and does not know what to do. I think she is trying to make life so difficult for me that I will leave, but I love her and our family and want to help them all, and do not think that my leaving the house will do that. We are sleeping in separate rooms, have not had sex since december, and do not do anything much together, including mealtimes and any recreational activity. We speak about logistical things. I have nbeen trying to fulfill her needs for conversation affection and freiendship, but she has not responded.
It has been 9 months and nothing I am doing is working. What else can I do, or is it just mpossible? I want so much to make it work.
Thank you for any advice
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Hi there,
welcome aboard and I'm sorry your life is so stressful for you right now.....
the vets should be along soon to map out a plan for you.......right now read all you can on this site about filling each other's emotional needs and about affairs and snooping......
I think you need to put a keylogger on your computer, use a VAR in her car, tap the phones and figure out what your wife is really up to........don't believe her get your own proof, don't tell her, quietly get the info you need, don't confront her yet, come back here for the next step, in the meantime be the best husband father you can be.........
hang in there, a lot of marriages have been saved from worse spots.......
jessi
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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RM, did your wife have an affair with the builder?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Melody, I don't think so, i think she just used him for emotional support, but in doing so she drifted further and further from me. She got more distant and less interested in me, I reacted with jealousy and crossness, and began to use the love busters described on this site. I know now that this was all the wring thing to do! Since I have found out about her feelings for the man at work I have been upset, pleading, barganing, manically trtying to please her, trying to do lots of housework and childcare, although in recent weeks i have steadied up as she does not seem to be about to physically walk out on me. My panic has subsided a little but I am trying hard to learn what I should do. I am working on conversation, and affectional gestures (she has banned all physical contact) I am also avoiding all love busters, and not rising to the provokation she is throwing at me, occasionally (twice in the last 9 months ) I have had an angry outburst at her, and once I lost my temper with the builder and told him to leave our family alone.
I am also sure that I have been pressurising her with my behaviour, because I am desperate not to lose her, and am fearful of losing my family, especiially our young daughter. I have read about her avoiding all contact with the OM and this is impossible as we all work in the same office, and moving away from the area is not something she is willing to think abiout at the moment. She is in the state of mind where our marriage has always been wrong, even thinmgs we did before we got married are being flung at me, and she says that she can never be happy with me. It all sounds as if she is in the throws of love with the man at work.
Help!!
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I agree you won't know the extent of the situation you are dealing with unless you snoop.
Don't tell her you are snooping.
Read the snooping forum info.
You need to not only find out what it going on to deal with it effectively but to protect your kids. That the builder guy is inviting your twin a lot is concerning. An alarm went off in my mind when I read that.
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Hi Jessitaylor
Thank you for your post, I agree about trying to be the best father and husband and am encouraged by your saying that worse marriages have been rescued.
I am very uncomfortable about the idea of snooping on her. I am not sure what that is going to achive, if she continues to have contact with the man at work outside work where they can be private then knowing this will not fix it. If she foud out I was snooping that would be terribly damaging.
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If she foud out I was snooping that would be terribly damaging. She's cheating on you, dude. That's terribly damaging. Now gather the evidence and prove it. She will NEVER come clean. She will look you in the eyes and say, "I swear to God, there's nothing going on. We're just friends." It's called gas lighting. Sorry man.
BH(Me)=40
WXW=38
ILYBNILWY: 8/09
DDAY: 8/31/09
Two boys: 8,7
Divorced 3/23/2011
Don't let your eyes refuse to see. Don't let your ears refuse to hear. Or you ain't never gonna shake this sense of sadness. --Ray Lamontagne
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. I have read about her avoiding all contact with the OM and this is impossible as we all work in the same office, Its really not impossible unless she lives in a country where she is an endentured servant. She can quit or the OM can quit. And this is what you have to arrange if you want to save your marriage. Recovery is impossible as long as they work together. So, I would start thinking of the best way to get them separated. Can you make the OM leave the company? Or will it have to be your wife? I would speculate that the OM might have to go because you don't want to be a position where your wife leaves and you have to face him every day. That would keep you triggered. If you are truly desperate to not lose her, the things you are doing now WILL result in losing your marriage. We can help you turn this around, but your strategy of appeasement will never work. And that strategy only comes across as looking like you don't care very much.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Jessitaylor
Thank you for your post, I agree about trying to be the best father and husband and am encouraged by your saying that worse marriages have been rescued.
I am very uncomfortable about the idea of snooping on her. I am not sure what that is going to achive, if she continues to have contact with the man at work outside work where they can be private then knowing this will not fix it. If she foud out I was snooping that would be terribly damaging. No, snooping would not be damaging at all. Unless she has something to hide. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You are her husband and you have every right to know each and every thing your sneaky, unfaithful wife does. You need to stop being silly, Sir, and start taking charge of your marriage. Find out what your sneaky wife is doing so you can expose her and STOP her. No one has the right to the privacy to destroy their spouse behind his back. Your wife has NO GROUNDS whatsoever to get angry about your snooping unless she is hiding something.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Jessitaylor
Thank you for your post, I agree about trying to be the best father and husband and am encouraged by your saying that worse marriages have been rescued.
I am very uncomfortable about the idea of snooping on her. I am not sure what that is going to achive, if she continues to have contact with the man at work outside work where they can be private then knowing this will not fix it. If she foud out I was snooping that would be terribly damaging. You've invaded my privacy", the wayward spouse says! "How could you read my email? How dare you look at my cell phone records. I'll never be able to trust you again�. "
[They] won't be able to trust [You]!
On one level, it is laughable WS babble. On the other hand, the BS often does feel guilt and regret about having to snoop. The WS uses those feelings to their advantage. But you haven't invaded their privacy.
You've invaded their secrecy.
And they don't like it.
Married people are entitled to privacy....but not, but not secrecy.
The true concept of privacy never implies keeping secrets. In fact, just the opposite is true. What is divinely inspired and ripens in privacy, is later always opened up and shared with others. It is never meant to be hidden. Only dishonesty, lies, negative intentionality and destructiveness of one sort or another, need to be hidden from others. Nothing that is true and beautiful needs to be kept secret. Not ever.
The wayward spouse uses a simple truth: that we all need some privacy and creates real evil by using truth to cover a lie. What usually happens is that privacy is used to camouflage the intention of keeping secrets. In other words, secretive people will use the right and need for privacy to conceal that they really are keeping something secret.
Secrecy and privacy are not too difficult to distinguish from each other.
A rule of thumb to distinguish the two is to ask: is this fact about me important in this relationship at this time?
There's a big difference between closing the door to the bathroom, and closing a window on the computer so your spouse can't see your secrets. All secrets involve private information, but what makes them secrets is that the withheld personal information is important to actions in the relationship. It's privacy if you ask your husband to hang up the phone extension when you're chatting with a friend. It's secrecy if you're going to tell that friend personal things about your marriage.
Secrecy is a tool, which is commonly used in trying to escape consequences.
Secrets always hide something negative, that's why they're secrets.
Those who keep a secret fear the truth because they know they have no intention of changing.
They are dishonest because they know that others may react to what is hidden and they wish to avoid this.
Keeping secrets is finally, an emotional theft.
It helps us feel less vulnerable and usually stems from old baggage and shame.
It is cheating to secure a result that cannot or will not come about if the secret is disclosed. Keeping secrets also avoids the effort and responsibility of finding an equitable, honest solution in which others can participate.
Secrets are always antithetical to relationship, to intimacy, to real and fulfilling contact. Secretive people are never fulfilled emotionally. They keep a wall of separation between themselves and others and then wonder why the feel so alone and misunderstood. They often blame others for this state and use it to justify secretiveness, instead of doing the only valid and meaningful and intelligent thing: spill out all secrets and make themselves as transparent as possible.
So, next time they say you've invaded their privacy....tell them "No, everyone deserves privacy. I've invaded your secrecy!"
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If she foud out I was snooping that would be terribly damaging. Risk/benefit must be looked at. If you want to RISK her having sex outside your marriage, then close your eyes, pinch your nose and wear ear plugs. That way, you will not "damage" anything she choses to do to your marriage behind your back. 
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Hi again,
I know this is tough for you and I know you are scared of the outcome, we have all been here, we were all afraid to act........
Read stories of success with the exposure part and the snooping part........
You have to get the facts first, hire a P.I. keylogger, phone taps.......
Once you know what you are dealing with come back here MelodyLane and the vets can help put a plan in place for you to save your marriage, it will seem like the things they ask you won't be able to do but it is a logical planned out series of decisions that will turn things around for your marriage, it will take a man willing to fight for his marriage and not to be afraid.
Right now you need to carry the both of you, your wife is confused and is not thinking straight which is what happens when they are fogged out with an affair.....
Look up affair fog babble you will see she is saying the normal things one says when they are involved in an affair......it's like they all have a script they read from......they will sound convincing, listen to none of that.........
Come across confident and strong, all the while being soft and compassionate.....
All this will take some time......but the facts are needed first if she is involved then Exposure to everyone that is important to her is next, don't tell her when you do this, ask her to stop the affair if she refuses then take this step.....
In the meantime give her memories of what a great marriage she can have and with a man that is all that she wants........
The longer you wait, the more involved she will be ....the harder it will be for her to come back to your marriage, look at it like she is lost, not herself and you have to be the calm strong one to save her from herself...........
Don't be afraid, don't worry about snooping it is saving your marriage, if she does find out just keep telling her you will do whatever it takes to save your marriage and that you love her enough to be stronger and fight for the two of you...............over and over again...
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Alan is taking a strong interest in one of the twins and takes her out for driving lessons and to watch films with his family and she bakes him cakes etc.
Im have rad the forum and the material on the website, which makes so much sense. Did this man go from wooing your WIFE to wooing your MINOR CHILD?? This bothers me more than anything else you wrote.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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*** Operation Investigate *** Your marital house is falling apart. Rapidly. Aren't you interested in investigating what's wrong, so you can begin the repairs?
Last edited by Pepperband; 08/15/11 02:50 PM.
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Wow this is the most commonsense stuff I have heard since this ghastly situation started 9 months ago. Thank you for your hard hitting advice. Ok what I have been doing thus far has totally failed. I do truly want to turn this around. I have bought most of the books on the planet about relationship healing, signed up to mort fortels book camp, bored my family to death talking about it, I'm having a e-mail dialogue with a marriage coach from marriage Sherpa and I think of little else.
I'm out of ideas so tell me what to do and I'll give it a go
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I agree with this, it is my 17 yr old stepdaughter not my own child and we have had a stormy relationship on and off although often a good one. She has been disowned by her own father and is maybe seeking a father figure
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RM, are you going to start spying on her and find out what she is doing?
I have some questions I need answered and then we can help you develop a strategy once you find out what she is doing behind your back.
1. are you married? If so, how long?
2. have either you or your wife had an affair before?
3. how did your wife's last marriage end if she was previously married
4. is the OM co-worker married and if so, does his wife know what your wife has done to her?
5. who all knows about this affair?
If you can answer those questions, it will help us help you put together a plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Hi Melody
Thank you for your questions
In answer
1. Yes I will try to find out what she is doing.
2. We have been married 11 yrs. I am 45 she is 43. We are both doctors on a rural family practice.
3. I have not had an affair before, my wife had an affair with the builder and another dr at work, although I believe these to be non sexual
4. My wife was married before, having married after falling pregnant unintentionally. It was never a marriage either wanted. He told her he wanted a divorce after 5 yrs and she met me shortly afterwards . I began dating her whilst she was still married but after both parties had said the marriage was over.
5. My co workers wife knows about the affair. He appears to be committed to trying to repair his marriage for the sake of his family but I do not trust him.
6. Who knows? His wife, the other partners and manager at work, our business consultant, my parents, brother and sister, my wife's sister (not her parents as she does not have a good relationship with them). It is not common knowledge in the village so far as I know, although there were rumors and gossip about the builder but not about the co worker
Thanks for your advice
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R_M, The boundaries your wife has around other men are extremely dangerous to your marriage. It sounds like your wife may have a freeloader mentality. Saving your marriage is going to be very difficult because it will require her to give up her career. Her pattern of having affairs especially as a medical professional will continue unless she puts up some mortar like boundaries around other men. She is not safe around any man of the opposite sex. She is a serial cheater, and that is her character. Until she recognizes this, she will continuously abuse you in the most horrific way possible. Her cheating will never end. 3. I have not had an affair before, my wife had an affair with the builder and another dr at work, although I believe these to be non sexual
4. My wife was married before, having married after falling pregnant unintentionally. It was never a marriage either wanted. He told her he wanted a divorce after 5 yrs and she met me shortly afterwards . I began dating her whilst she was still married but after both parties had said the marriage was over. Sir - you did engage in an affair with a married woman. You are a cheater yourself, and her Other Man = OM. She is currently replacing you with her next OM. My suggestion to save your marriage would be to first look at yourself and fix what made you an adulterer in the first place. This is your issue and until you resolve this you will find yourself in heartache for the rest of your life. Since this marriage is a marriage built off adultery your chance of survival is 25% of 3% = 0.007%. Unless the both of you change your lifestyles immediately and drastically with mortar like boundaries your marriage will not last. Follow Dr. Harley's plan - there cannot be any deviation. You and your wife have a very very very narrow path to survive.
Last edited by itistoughlove; 08/16/11 08:38 AM.
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Thanks for your answers, RM. Have you spoken to the other doctor's wife yourself to make sure she knows?
The immediate problem is that your wife continues to work with the OM and see the builder. Additionally, she is a serial cheater who will not change until she changes the environment she lives and works in. The best scenario I can see is if you could get this other doctor to leave the job. That way, you could keep an eye on her at work so she doesn't start new affairs. Is that possible? But your marriage will not recover this as long as they work together. It is impossible.
Can you get the other doctor out of there?
And what about this builder? Does his wife know about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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