I just have a question and am looking to hear some opinions.
Is there really an age that people really get married to soon, and is that really an excuse? I am asking that because I have heard things lately that contradict my thoughts on the subject. My marriage for example. My wife and I met in high school and really were the only ones that each other dated. We went steady for seven years and then married.

17 years after our marriage my wife has had multiple affairs and has stated that she has no remorse because she feels that she never really dated anyone else in her past. Supposedly she missed out on the dating scene because she was with me.

Recently I talked to a friend whose daughter has just broken off a long relationship with her boyfriend. She told me that she was happy about this for her daughter because she didn't want the same problems happening to her daughter that happened to me and my wife because we were together for so long and didn't have any other relationships with others.

Personally, I don't find anything wrong with being with someone for so long and exclusively with that person. I was proud of marrying my "high school sweetheart". Any thoughts?
Is every relationship like mine doomed because we didn't "play the field" more?

No.
It boils down to the five most important emotional needs being met for both
and
boundaries

The marriage builder concepts explain how love happens, how relationships become vulnerable and it is true for whenever you met.

It's just lately it seems that I've got opinions from people that relationships such as mine are doomed from the start. Just a lot of confusion lately.

Well, all relationships are doomed from the start since most people don't know about marriagebuilder concepts.
Its a amazing when a relationship makes it all the way til death do they part , when you think of it. Whatever age it begins.
Think of all the ways relationships become vulnerable. There are so many. Not meeting important needs. Not spending enough time together. Spending time with people of the opposite gender and bonding with them (falling in love as you do), lovebusting up the wazoo. Etc. Etc.

my parents, brothers and sisters all married later and there were affairs in their marriage. My wife and I married 2 weeks after her 18th b-day and she cheated. I'm not sure it makes a difference.

Dr Harley and Joyce married very young [teenagers] and they have a great marriage. Dr Harley mentioned recently on the radio that marrying young usually makes for BETTER MARRIAGES because the couple has a better chance of creating an integrated marriage.

The fact that you married young has nothing to do with the current state of your marriage.

I'm going to be the odd (wo)man out (as usual) and say that I think that marrying very young is definitely a risk factor. In my experience, young people just do not have the life experience necessary to be life partners. And when you only date one person, you have little opportunity to get that life experience.

PLEASE NOTE: I DO NOT CONSIDER MARRYING YOUNG TO BE AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR INFIDELITY!!!!!!!!!

I think people are better off having a range of relationships before they marry. It helps them more clearly define what they want and need in a partner. As bad as it sounds, I really think you learn an awful lot from being in -- and then getting out of -- a bad relationship. Things you can't learn if you marry the first person you have a relationship with.

I started dating my first real boyfriend when we were first 14. We dated through high school, college, and my masters degree. He was a lovely person. I am so very glad I didn't marry him. I had some very important experiences after we broke up that really informed who I was when I began seeing my now-husband. We started dating when I was 33(?). If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Specifically, I don't wish I had met/gotten together with my husband earlier in my life. If I had met him earlier, I would have missed out on so much learning that makes me a better wife.

I met my DH when I was 15. We dated all through high school, I have never dated anyone other than DH. I graduated from High School in May and we married in Dec., 2 days after my 19th birthday. Neither one of us has ever had an affair, we will be married 23 years this Dec. And I have to say, I love him more today than when we were first married.

There are many that dated and married their first HS sweetheart.

The I married too young, never got to..... are just justifications for being wayward.

The success or failure of a marriage is not contingent upon life experiences, but the ability to successfully use the policy of joint agreement. The longer a person waits to get married, the harder that is for them because they tend to be more SET in their ways. That is the reasoning used by Dr Harley.

Dr Harley actually thinks it is a PLUS to get married young, because they are less set in their ways. The younger the couple the more likely they are to create compatible, integrated lifestyles. They grow up together, so to speak.

Dating more people is good, though, but only for the purposes of selecting the person who does the best job of meeting your needs. A person doesn't have to have a lot of relationships to learn how to make the current one great. Many people have great relationships not because they were in many relationships, but because they developed good habits in the current one.

For example, I have a great marriage now - my third - but it is not because I had a lot of marriages, but because I learned HOW to have a great marriage in this one. I did not learn how to have a great marriage until I used the MB program. It is not by accident, but by design.

I agree its BS. My WH and I were 17 and 21 when we met and 22 and 25 when we married.

Before we married we carefully asked each other about the type of life we each wanted and we knew we were very compatible. If not we would have moved on as we were young and having the right life partner was important to both of us.

For the first half of our marriage we had a very integrated life, and worked out problems with ease.

We had the skills necessary to keep this up, in spite of not having had other relationships. We just didnt that's all.

We thought love was unconditional. As many people do.

In the second half we allowed things to drift due to career pressures and the less time we spent together, the more of a crack it created.

In short; the older we got, the stupider we got.

I get a lot of 'oh its because you married young' and 'it wasnt meant to be' following exposure of his A

People assume that because he wont give her up, he must love her and therefore must not love me.

Therefore he must have chosen the wrong person, due to a youthful mistake. And I must have too.

It makes people feel better about their own relationships, when a strong one, similar to theirs, strangely falls apart.

I have only briefly dated one other person and I have zero regrets about that. Because I was happy and because I am not in the fog.

I think you can have the greatest marriage in the world, excellent relationship skills and still a tiny boundary lapse can see everything fall to he77.

I will also throw in that it really doesn't matter how old the WS is when the A starts. The MAIN thing is BOUNDARIES and allowing someone of the opposite sex to meet your ENs. It doesn't matter if you were married at 18 or 80. Just my .02

Rock,


Sit your wife down and tell her that you accept her "reason" for having her affair. Then look her straight in the eye while you tell her this LIE:

"I understand you believe it is because we did not date others while we were younger that you had an affair. I have listened to your reasoning, and see that you feel justified in yourself, and that you feel this affair is okay because you did not get a chance to date when you were younger. Actually, I see your point!!! That is why I now feel that it is okay for me to confess my six affairs to you, because I had them for the VERY SAME REASON!"


See how she reacts.



Then, when she gets all crazy on you - go ahead and tell her that YOU ARE LYING, and that NOW she can see how her argument simply does not hold water.


It is garbage, plain and simple.


SB

No Rock, playing the field is just that, playing. Yes there are other people out there, and they are different people, with different stories, personality types yadyyadyyada..but there is only one of the women you married, and there will never be another like her.

I too was married out of high school, and tempted by the loose morals of the 70s, and I bet I was hard to deal with, because heck I was young, but I would not give into temptation, because I also saw what being selfish and thinking with the wrong head would bring. I told myself,"Integrity will pay off for the things that were important in the long run"

Marriage is not for the faint hearted, and the vows we make in front of Gos are for our growth also as we learn how to love someone who is not perfect. Nobody is perfect for us or will that fantasy remain forever, thinking there is a perfect person is bull, he died on the cross and I wouldn't want his life, and I coudn't do it anyways.

But we CAN retain our integrity towards each other, and keep romance alive, if we work at it a little, and realize how important it is to maintain.

Now you say it was 7 years, and in those 7 years you must have had times when you discussed the future, hopes and dreams, expectaions right? Did you define love with her? Was it supposed to be a feeling or an action? Did it come from whithin or above? Do we aspire to it or take it as a given?

Infatuation and temptation just happens, love has to be done and acted out. We dont mind when we are "in-love", but when that ends, and all the chemicals in our minds that line up with feeling loved seem to disapear we are less likely to take care of each others needs. When you graduate from doing something for someone because you will get something back, with your taker in charge, and give to each other because you care how they feel, you are loving them.

But this is precariuos, and you suffer if the other doesn't reciprocate, and in time you will not be 'In-love", but you may be still loving them.

Its a balance that in maturity you realize you must maintain, and then maybe it seems the magic is gone, but it was never really magic, but the rest of the world will sell you some magic if they can, either because they are just conning us or they are idiots too who believe in the easy ways and mix excitment and anticipation outside marriage. Excitment and anticipation can be built in the marriage, and it is much better to do so, than to lose the one you want to stay in love with.

So my guess is that like most people the romance and magic has felt like it has gone, and she is looking for that and maybe even blaming you somehow that she doesn't have it, and the sad fact is that she didn't get help here before she bought the easy way out.

No you are not doomed and playing the feild is overated. The truth is the single bars are full of lonely and desparate people looking for love in the wrong places, and in the wrong ways also, expecting it will fall in thier lap. Ive married my first GF from HS, and I have played the field when that ended, and it was all empty relationships and empty sex, until I found my second wife. If your heart and dedication is not in it, its not love.

You had and have the right idea, and don't fall for what those fools say, love is more than a feeling, and feelings follow action. So listen to this place and learn, and who knows maybe you can recover your marriage and make it what it should/could be. Romance is still possible my friend

This is true. I can't imagine getting married again, and a lot of that has to do with not being able to share the important things that I had with my former wives. The investment you have is part of the prize you have in your marraige, and it takes time and mistakes to get it figured out, but its possible. You have time.

Wow. Thank you all so much for your responses.

So whats the plan? You've heard it before, "People don't plan to fail they fail to plan"

You could call Dr H center for excellent advice, which is my vote, but reading the books and here you will get some excellent knowledge and advice also.

Remember this is a battle for the mind, and you have the best soldiers here if you take their counsel. Look at the number of posts Melody lane has made under her name, and you can do that with everyone to see who the vets are here.

God bless you in this fight for your marraige and your first love.

Love it Mel

There is no plan CP. I just come back here now and then when my thinking gets all out of whack to listen to the voice of reason.
I actually start believing in the "fog babble" now and then.
Some other justifications that she uses are "people change", and that "no 2 marriages are the same."