I have been lurking here for a while, but had a specific question that I hadn't seen answered (it probably is but I couldn't find it), so here is my fist post.

First a little background, my wife had an affair with her boss. It started in November and I believe no contact was established about a month ago. She is now in a new job and I believe being transparent, but I'm having a hard time trusting that after months of lies.

I have read "Love Busters" (read it months ago, because of my AO) and after everything came out I have ordered "Surviving an Affair," "His Needs, Her Needs," and "Fall in Love Stay in Love." I have read online about the basic concepts and am trying to meet my wife's needs (we have both taken the EN questionnaire). I have started reading SAA, but am not very far into it. My wife started reading SAA made it through the first affair story (can't remember the names), said "yup, that's about right" then put the book down and has had no interest in it since.

Over the last few weeks we have been spending all of our time together except when we are at work and my wife has been telling me she is starting to fall back in love with me and that she sees a future with me. The problem is I am in withdrawal. I see her trying to meet my needs, but it doesn't mean anything to me.

So, is there anything I can do to get myself out of withdrawal any faster? I'm afraid it just needs time and her consistently meeting my needs, but it feels really hopeless when I see her trying to meet my needs and it doesn't mean anything to me.

nomoreplease,

I'm not going to jump in here with my understanding of Marriage Builders advice. There are old-timers here that can handle that far better than I. I just wanted to pop in and ask you to hold on. Don't know why the MB cavalry hasn't showed up yet, but they will.

I will tell you this: I believe what you're feeling is normal. I was gaslighted and trickle-truthed by my WW as well. It takes a greater toll on the marriage than the infidelity. You are only one month into NC. With your apparent level of emotional strain and apparent loss of love, which I read as doubt in reconciling your marriage, you'd probably be better served to have your thread moved to the Surviving an Affair forum. To me, it doesn't seem that you are quite in recovery mode yet.

You can click on "Notify" to request a moderator move your thread. You'll get a lot more traffic on the SAA forum.

Good luck.

OldWarHorse,

You're absolutely right; I am having lots of doubts about reconciling my marriage. I care about my wife very deeply, and I in no way want my marriage to end. I have been reading everything I can on MB. I am trying to have a positive outlook, but when I see her trying and my total apathy toward her attempts it is really discouraging.

A little more background: We have been married 6 years and together 10. No kids. She is 30 and I will be in 2 weeks.

Look at your time line:

Quote

It started in November and I believe no contact was established about a month ago.

You are freshly wounded.
Your marriage narrowly escaped death.
Are you yelling at yourself already?

Your WW put your love bank into the deficit.
Your emotional withdrawal from her is the result.

Be patient and kind to yourself now.
Are you sleeping and eating?
Are you able to focus and concentrate?

Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint.

((( HUGS )))

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

30 minutes ..... take the time ......

I see some reasonable reasons you might be feeling withdrawn.

Watch the video I linked .... watch it with your wife.
Insist that she agree to recovery the MB way.
You can use non-book resources if your W is not much of a reader.

Link to MB online program <~~~~~ CLICK HERE

Pepperband,
First of all, thank you for your support.


No, just wanting to feel better, I�m tired of sadness, pain, and anger.


Eating hasn't been a problem other than a day or two after d-day. Sleeping on the other hand has been a major problem. I've been on and off sleeping pills for a couple months now (even before d-day, because I knew something was going on) and I'm still lucky to get 4 hours in any given night.


On the affair? Absolutely. On anything else? Not so much.


Right now I feel like I�ve already run 25 miles and just crossed the starting line (and didn�t even know there was a race), so now I�m desperately looking for a short cut (just have to make sure it�s not one that's going to bite me later). This is why I'm reaching out here, there seems to be a lot of people that have gone through similar situations who may know the best way to navigate this.

She seems to be remorseful and ready to work on us (I just have to initiate everything), which is why I�m feeling hopeless. Over the past weeks and months, I�d been telling myself things would change if she would be willing to work on us. Now that she is trying, my feelings aren�t changing and I�m getting discouraged.

Can't watch the video at work, but will try and watch it tonight with my wife.

Please listen.
You may greatly benefit from speaking to your physician about anxiety/depression symptoms.
Go in to see your physician.
Ask to be evaluated.
Try not to be macho about this.
Under prolonged stress, there is a neuro chemical imbalance (sometimes) that can be difficult to deal with without assistance.
Sleeping pills do not treat anxiety OR depression.

Are you exercising?
I highly recommend you get in some daily vigorous exercise.

I get plenty of exercise. I am on a rugby team and have practice twice a week with games on weekends. I have started running with my wife. I have a punching bag and weight set in my basement for when I have extra anger/aggression.

Now that they're not working together and I'm fairly certain that NC is in place, most of the anxiety is gone. Although, that was a brutal couple of months. I don't think I'm depressed, but this is definitely the lowest I've ever been. My worst thoughts are just about leaving the marriage to find some one who will treat me like I deserve or even so that I don't have to deal with this history.

I'm not sure why I wake up in the middle of the night (I never have remembered my dreams), but once I do my thoughts (not even always about the affair) keep me awake.

Yes.

[quote=nomoreplease]". . . I'm fairly certain that NC is in place. . ."

nmp, you have to fix this. Your anxiety will not be appeased without 100% certainty.

Your wife needs to accept the responsibility and accountability to put an ironclad NC plan into effect immediately.

Ideas on how to do this are in the MB material others are referencing. Use what you find that works for you and don't hesitate to ask questions and seek advice from some of the MB experts that are working your thread.

No offense, but without being with her 24/7 (and being awake 24/7) there is no way to be 100% certain. I have access to all passwords, cell phone, and anything else, but she has a phone at work, she could get a pay as you go phone, can borrow someone's phone, etc. There is always a way, and if you think you can be 100% certain your fooling yourself.


She seems to have done this, but as I said above I can not know for sure as I am not with her 24/7 and she has been known to tell a lie or two. Anyways, we are beginning to implement the MB concepts, but it is mostly from my reading and sharing with her from the website, beginning with UA and meeting each others needs. We have not set down and formed the plan yet (I know this is already going against MB), but I was hoping to see that her meeting my needs could change my outlook on the relationship, first, hence my original question. Honestly, I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't get any direct responses to my question, if there was anything I could do to get myself out of withdrawal any faster, but maybe the lack of response is in a way a response that there is nothing I can do.

Sorry if this is covered in the video. We still have not had a chance to watch it. We had a family emergency last night (not affair related).

The short answer is (though I''m not an old timer) is that there is no way to get out of withdrawal faster. If you do try to rush it or gloss over it, it will end up haunting you later on in the future.

NMP-

Infidelity sucks. Sucks even worse when you love the person who cheated on you. It'd be easy if you didnt and since there are no kids involved, then your choices are many.

My FWW spent many years in a comfortable, adulterous relationship where she didnt have to face real life. It stopped being a love relationship years ago, per her description, but as I said being comfortable and lazy and very weak she stayed.

I dwelled a lot on the sex. Didnt give a hoot about Emotional Needs he met for her as they are as pathetic as possible, and she admits that too. It has taken me over 3 months now not think about him on top of her constantly. Or her on her knees, to be graphic which is how it was in my head.

I have kids involved and they know what their mother was up to.

So my choices werent great. Either I leave and destroy two innocent kids or I get over what in my mind was fake relationship based on meaningless material things and a woman too immature to grow up.

I chose the latter and we worked the MB program and we;ve grown closer. Its possible. Give it time.

I will say this as a sidenote: my wife felt trapped in her A for any number reasons outlined in my thread, so upon dday, I had a relieved albeit humiliated and degraded, but a relieved and very sorry wife. Which made my choices easier and withdrawal not such a big thing.

Again, give it time.

MSS,
Your story struck home with me because of the trouble you had with AO (I think this was you, if not sorry), and I've actually read your entire thread. You've had a lot to deal with, and I agree the mental images are brutal.

Not having kids makes walking away very tempting, but honestly I care about her. She was (is?) my best friend, I have been building my life with her for 10 years, I have been planning to grow old with her, and if this can be saved that is the way I would like to go.

The worst part for me right now is watching the person I care about so much trying to work on us (doing things I believe would make me feel close to her), and it really doesn't mean anything significant (maybe tmi - but SF with her right now, feels like just sex). This is so discouraging, and gives me little hope for our future.

remember you are on the worst roller coaster ride imaginable. set goals for yourself. make sure she has told you everything you want/need to know to recover. If I knew about my FWWs 1st A after 11 years of marriage I would have walked. at our 18 year mark when I found out about #2, I was a bit more mature and settled. I wanted to stay married. I need her. you need your wife too. for all the same reasons as before. Have you ordered the books SAA and HNHN yet?

CV

She has not, I'm still getting a lot of "I don't know" and "I can't remember," but she is supposedly working on a timeline.

Yes, along with "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and I have previously read "Love Busters." I have started reading SAA but have been putting most of my effort into meeting needs and UA, so I'm not very far into it.

Be patient. She may not remember every detail. She is in a "fog". And truthfully, most of what she did was without thinking anyway. It will take her a bit of time to recall things. The timeline will help with this.

cv

cv,

I have always thought of myself as a pretty patient person, but this is a whole new level. We spend as much time as possible trying to connect, yet I feel completely alone and disconnected. I know just give MB time, but I really don't know how long I can do this (stay with someone and try and meet their needs, when I am totally disconnected). How long will this last (I know every situation is different)?