2T2T,
I have something to say after reading the thread. I've thought about what you've said about lying, and your sense that you have "lost control" so you begin to lie.
My thoughts:
I believe that your loss of control begins long before the lying behavior.
You give the example of watching "a few clips of porn". My spidey-sense tells me that you watched more than a few clips, but nevermind the attempt at diminishing your issue there. Let's talk about the REAL problem, which is your "loss of control".
You DO have a loss of control, and I find it quite fascinating that you chose these EXACT WORDS to describe "why you lie", when in fact it does relate to why you lie. The problem is that you do not see that the problem is that you have a loss of control prior to speaking lying words to others. You have a loss of control of your own BEHAVIOR - and then later on you have to lie to cover that behavior.
For example, "viewing a few clips of porn". Your behavior here is that you did not have the self-control to NOT "view a few clips of porn". There was a LOSS OF CONTROL in that behavior - do you see this?
It was much later that the lying took place.
So yes, your lying is a "loss of control". It is directly related to a loss of control
only you are not going back to the original issue at hand.
If we take a look at what you do from the standpoint of a Freudian description (no, I am not much into Freud, but his terms work in this situation), you are very much the Id kind of guy:
I want what I want, when I want it.
There is no regulatory Superego. Nobody in charge. Just the Id, running around, unhinged.
And you lie, because your own regulatory agency only comes in when some external force (like someone ELSE) steps in and says,
Dude, WTF?
So you lie, because after another person brings it to your attention, that is when the filtering BEGINS for you. And you scramble, because you really did know it was wrong all along. You just chose to do what you "wanted", and ignore the filter that was screaming to stop. Because for you, the Id is in charge. Period. It makes you "happy". Your idea is that you are entitled to be "happy", at whatever cost to others - and it is only after you see them pay a price that you realize that the cost is not worth it. You are only now beginning to come to a place where the filtering system might be starting to have a bigger voice.
Your job?
To stop ignoring it in the first place. Listen to it, and turn off the "entitlement" voice.
Recognize it when you hear that on the FIRST scream. Otherwise, it is too late. And your loss of control has already happened.
SB
