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She just doesn't get it, or maybe she is just that selfish. I care about her, but I can care about anybody. Please, someone give me reasons to stay.

Affairs don't always happen because the BS didn't meet the WS needs and left the marriage vulnerable. Some people just cheat. They're selfish, and use anything to justify their choice to do what they want. Your wife sounds like one of these people. There's nothing on this site that says you HAVE to stay in the marriage. No children, she has her own job, why stay with someone who isn't willing to work on your marriage and doesn't much care what you feel?


Of course she doesn't want to discuss anything, it's uncomfortable to face what you've done to someone else who didn't deserve it, much better to just put it in the past immediately. Your hurt feelings and pain are an inconvenience, you're cramping her style by continually bring it up. Why can't you just shut up about it, quit being a baby, and just get over it. So much for empathy for your feelings.

So, yes, you are exactly correct in wondering why you should stay. Perhaps the answer is that you shouldn't?

I can see needs I wasn't meeting over the months/years before the affair, and like I said earlier, this is not the woman I married, atleast I don't think it is (I may have missed it for 9+ yrs.). I am hoping that if I continue to meet her needs, and she fully comes out of the fog then I will find the woman I married.


I love the woman I married, and for a few weeks she had started trying. I just don't want to rush into anything.

While this is an important thing to realize, and an important thing to address, getting all gooey with remorse - going "doormat" so to speak - is not going to aid recovery.

You see, her actions have brought you two into an agreement over "all the horrible things you have done over the years."

You are looking at it to find out why should would betray you, she is looking at it as her excuse to betray you.

So, yeah. You both agree that you are a jerk.




You can own your shortcomings without becoming a puddle of apology.

Just as it wouldn't be right for you to constantly berate her about her A - and not healthy for her to do it once she defogs - it is not healthy for you to beat yourself up over it.

Her poor boundaries and selfish choices were the cause of her infidelity. NOTHING ELSE.

You don't have to be a wimp to not be a jerk. Ok?

I KNOW PAL !!!

I call it "INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS"!!!

It looks like my Wife.....but THAT is NOT my Wife!!

Here's the clip from MIB where my son said "Hey mommy this is like Daddy. I know what's wrong with daddy now. He gots an ALIEN BODY in him!"

THE ULTIMATE VIDEO EXPLANATION OF THE WAYWARD/ALIEN ANALOGY:

I just made a whole new thread out of this. something that's gotta be done!

She isnt talking about the affair.
She is making it 'all about her'

Then she isn't commiting to recovery. It's no wonder you're withdrawn.

She hasn't paid you just compensation, so you can't expect to fall back in love with her while your LB is so immensely in debt. The plan to restore romantic love involves O&H among many other things.

How good is your surveillance? If she's talking about leaving and not opening up to you, she is probably in contact with OM.

Job 1) cover all bases
VAR, GPS, Keylogger, download spyware on phone, go on the hunt for a secret affair phone, check her bank statements, follow her, get a PI if you have to.

(If you find something - TRY not to LB. Firmly negotiate with her
to leave him, and dont accept her pathetic excuses)

Job 2)Plan A
Men have to plan A for quite a while, so carry on if you can. You dont need to feel any love for her while you do this. Do it calculatedly to beat the affair., (though take time to plan nice things for yourself and consider getting meds to help you through)
She's already trying to blame the A on you by saying your unhappiness is an LB!!! Make it more and more difficult for her to say nonsense like that. Torpedo the fog and affair by meeting her needs.

It will prob need a Plan B too.

Read Carrot and Stick of Plan A. Plan A like a rock star. Tell yourself it is only for a set period. I would call Dr H too if you can.

I have definitely had difficulty finding the middle ground here. I have been to both extremes (and still go occasionally), but I am finding the middle ground more easily recently. I don�t think I�ve done horrible things over the years, just got a little comfortable in my marriage. I see this, I own it, and I am working to change it; but I in no way blame myself for her affair. If I ask her, she doesn�t blame me for the affair and says that there is no excuse, even though some of her actions tend to contradict this.


My surveillance at home is pretty much bullet proof, but she has a phone and email at work (which I have NO access to) and she used to call and email him at work (which his wife has NO access to). I don�t see any way around this. She brings nothing home and does not communicate with him after work, but during work I have no way to verify. I have heard through the grapevine that he is switching jobs, but have no way to confirm this, either.


I have been doing a sudo plan A for awhile. We have been in MC since December, and from this I have been working hard to get rid of DJ and AO. Then in February we started a marriage class at our church where they taught something very similar to the MB ENs, and I have been working hard to meet needs since then. I still struggle with AO, and there have been enough AO recently that I can see this as a possible reason for her withdrawing the last week or 2. It has only been since the last d-day that I haven�t felt �in love� with her. It is incredibly difficult to meet needs when I feel like that, and it is much more difficult to control my AO, too.


If it comes to this, I will probably head straight to plan D.

We had an O&H conversation the other day about our relationship, and how neither one of us is happy with it. I told her that I was willing to work to make it something we would both be happy with, but she wouldn�t commit to either working on it or D. She is now 500+ miles away handling a family emergency so we will be apart for the next couple days. She asked me to go with her, but I could not.

Why is she 500 miles away during such a tough time in YOUR family?

She needs to make you a priority at some point here.

Not good.

mss,

It is the major issues with her parents that I mentioned earlier, and I would have done the same thing if the rolls were reversed. Actually, I wish I could be there for her parents right now, too.


I'm not going to argue with that, though.

No kids. Let the neighbor watch the dog and you should have gone with her. Good time to give and get undivided attention.

Distance makes the heart wander.

Go surprise her there. This is a crisis, man.

Make uncommon moves to get uncommon results.

I can certainly see why. Like me you have no kids and have been treated like this. Who could blame you?

I want to put in a good word for Plan B here though. It is mostly for the good of the BS, not the WS. It has healed my crazy bottomless depression COMPLETELY, and since I plan to D in December, after a six month rest in Plan B, divorce will hurt less.

Plus while Ive been healing, the Plan B letters have been playing havoc with the affair. Without me having to do a thing.

Remember your W did not want to commit to a D, because she wants you both. If her reaction to your filing for a D was to beg forgiveness (but then carry on behind your back) you'd be in a false recovery.

There have been some people on here who have gone straight to plan D, lasted a few months and even met someone else before they are properly healed. Then the WS comes begging and they forgive, get back together, and bam - false recovery.

Plan B makes a lot of BSs strong enough to insist on a proper recovery - or if not, healed enough to weather a divorce well.

For me, knowing I am doing everything I can for the marriage and he is doing nothing quelches all the doubts you get in the middle of the night.

If he approaches me for recovery I have a list of conditions as long as my arm and I will be much firmer in implementing them than I would have been without Plan B.

If you think you are strong enough to kick her to the curb and never take her back no matter what she promises, than Plan D could work.

But if you need some time to grieve etc, I would recommend Plan B as a good, quiet location to rest and reboot.

However Plan B needs to be set up with a good Plan A, which is hard for men in particular I think

Your call, of course.

I hear you. If it was just the dog I would take it with me. Like I said, I wish I could be there for her family, regardless of her. It's just not possible.

There would be no UA time there.

If you want to be there for her parents

AND

you are trying to plan A her out of the fog.

Why on earth aren't you packing? Seriously...

She WANTED you to come. How is sitting at home showing her you are the good guy?

Meanwhile OM is prob being all supportive via text

If you do recover the marriage, your EPs will include moving as a team, and not spending any nights apart.Both being more importnat to each other than anything else

Start as you mean to go on.

It's complicated, but bottom line it was not possible. I can't say it any clearer than that.

Well, actually she went back and forth on this, but her last statement was that she wanted me to go.


Taking care of the house, dog, etc. I know, not as good as being with her, but trying to be positive.

Thanks, I needed that.

I dont understand why you are being vague. So you cant go because of this unclear reason. By not going you are telling her the something else is more important than her asking you to go with her.

She is LOOKING for just this sort of thing to justify her A.

I did this too. I backed off because I was being pushed off. I wish I had been more aggressive and insisted on meeting the needs, even though it wasnt welcomed. That is Plan A.

Of course I have no idea what your motive is for not pursuing this, because you wont tell us.

And therefore cant really advise.

Yes, you did.

"It's complicated, but bottom line it was not possible. I can't say it any clearer than that."

Oh, yes you can. You do realize that the folks here can smell out a lie or crappy story from 1000 miles, right?

What are earth is sooooo complicated? Do you really think you are so unique? Sickness, mental illness, physical injury, sexual abuse, etc....all NOT new here nor unique.

Fine, you guys caught me. I have a life and it is easy to blame it on that, but the fact is that I needed a break.