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Infidelity: What every couple should know.

Greenbelt (we have gotta find a new name for you),

This affair of your wife's is an addiction. You are going to have to address this like the spouse of a drunk who needs to get her into treatment to sober up. You can not afford to be her enabler.

Your wife cannot help herself at this point. You are going to have to stand up and help her. If you do not take firm, decisive action, your kids are going to have a broken family and they may never speak to their mother again. And your wife is going to ruin her life. She will already do anything for a hit. God help you and your kids when she starts needing more and more to feel the high.

You have got to DEMAND that your wife end this affair. Tell her that it is not an option and that you will not continue to put up with her treating you and the kids like this.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about affairs:


Dr. Willard Harley, Effective Marriage Counseling, page 94.

Let's get you going so you can take action to end this sooner, rather than later because the longer it goes on, the more damage her drug of choice will do to all of your lives, and the harder the addiction will be to break.

Dr. Harley and this website have helped many people end and recover from affairs. But you have got to face facts: it can't get any worse and you have nothing to lose, so you need to go for broke and charge in and stand up for what is right for your family. One day your wife will thank you for it.

I am really confused. Spending time together is an affair. What do you mean you don't have evidence?

Greenbelt, please read this very helpful Thread for newly betrayed posters. There are some good resources for you there.

We need to get you educated so you can learn the tools you will need to fight this affair.

GB, the plans here for ending the affair and getting your wife on board with recovering your marriage are called "Plan A" and "Plan B." You will need to read the following;

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

What are Plan A and Plan B?

Greenbelt, you might also benefit from reading the story of BTinTrouble. BT discovered his wife's affair, confronted it, and they went on to start putting their marriage back together using Marriage Builders principles.

Exposure will likely kill this affair. If other husbands whose wives are alone with this man will want to know this information.

I would put a list together of who you can expose. Exposure doesn't have to be slanderous. If you have phone numbers, emails addresses, or facebook accounts you can simply use this lingo.


Dear friends of TKD,

It saddens me to send you this information concerning TDK instructor. He and my wife are engaged in an inappropriate relationship. I love my wife more than anything, and I want to do everything to save my marriage and family.

My wife and I will be leaving the TDK studio due to TDK instructors inappropriate boundaries around my wife. He has made sexist comments concerning her body, and I have grown unconfortable with the entire situation.

I felt I needed to inform you on my situation. If you have questions or would like to discuss this further please contact me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Sincerely,

Green

There are no lies and there is no slander. I can almost bet other husbands will come out of the woodwork with the same information.

Make a list of those to target for now. Read up on Plan A, and demand she go NC for life with him.

You will need to discuss this with your children because if you want to save your family you can never return to this studio.

Do you have a daughter? What do you think he will be thinking about once she gets breasts? Do you really want this man around your kids?

Tough~

This is a strategic mistake and I would strongly suggest you get rid of this counselor. In order to save your marriage you need to kill the affair. You don't achieve this by ignoring the OM and the affair. Your job is to run off the OM and cause as much conflict as possible in the affair. Please listen to Dr Harley if you want to save your marriage, you are getting bad advice!


[I am not at all interested in what the OM says about slander, that is completely irrelevant to you. Your job is to GET the evidence and expose him wide and far. But didn't your wife already admit to an affair? A good PI can get the goods in about one day. Get the goods !


Your complacence makes it look like you don't care very much. You are not going to save your marriage sitting on the sidelines waiting for things to happen. Dr Harley would tell you that it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Those of us here who saved our marriages did not do it by doing nothing.

I see my thread was referenced earlier so I'll chime in here.

Belt, your name because you are being belted by your wife and TKD instructor, our stories are scary similar in a lot of ways.

We let a charming dude get an emotional grip on our wives and we, too, we charmed by him. We got blinded to the possiblity he was boinking our wives by this friendship. Very similiar.

You must start the program to de-program your fogged out wife.

While my wife was awakened by dday, yours needs more work.

Stop being belted.

mike
_________________________

I chose greenbelt as a moniker because that is my present belt level...also, I used to live close to Greenbelt, MD.

We are no longer seeing the marriage counselor...she told my wife during one of our sessions that she was having an emotional affair but suggested she limit her contact with the OM to earn her belt degree.

My writing style may lead to the impression of complancency...I am not and I appreciate the feedback on this board...it is much more realistic than the bilge being offered by the marriage counselor...it was all on me to "woo her back."

The peak of the relationship with the OM was two to three years ago, now it seems to be back due to the second degree testing. My wife did say she is willing to switch schools...which is cold comfort because OM does the high level belt testing for the other school.

My wife said the comment about her breasts was due to a falling manuever and his observation was based on that and I was reading too much into it...he said it to me and the way he said it made me uncomfortable.

That's your gut, warning you. And I have learned to always trust my gut.

This guy is a predator who has dressed himself up as a karate instructor. He's going after your WW. He could be lining your daughter up next.

Hire a PI.

We are suggesting the name change because of what seeing it may trigger at some point. Not nearly as important as the other first steps you must take.

My advice and its only my advice after 3 months of posting here as a BH is marriage counseling is not very effective. We did it once and stopped. I will guarantee you the real world advice found here will help you thru this much more than a MC will.

Your story sound a bit like a Ray Liotta movie called Unlawful Entry (the pun stinks in retrospect) where he plays a cop who makes moves on Kirk Russells wife and get fixated on her.

Anyway, to spend time thinking about the past is going to ruin you so its best to move forward. The passed 5 years where you learned you were sharing your wife with a "buddy" hurts, I know. It takes time, but eventually you'll look to the future with her and the past will be just that, the past.

Make your moves as suggested above.

They are in a deeply committed affair.
It is taking the place of your marriage.....you know that and yet you are still serving many purposes for your W so she is keeping up with the lies to you to keep you in the equation.
You can wait years to come across evidence unless you majorly get serious about snooping.
You can follow the marriage builder plans and stand a chance or turning this around with diligence and time. The plans might work. Might not....but they are your best chance.
Get the book Surviving An Affair and read it (don't let W see you do it) It will help inform you and help you develop a strategy.

I would add that I would print this out put it in an envelope and give copies to parents that are waiting for their kids to finish class, as well as adult students.



cv

I can't agree with this more! My wife's affair partner began trying to spend time with my DD (she was 15 and matured early)after meeting her. Thankfully my daughter was far more aware of creeps and had much tighter boundaries!

CV

Sorry you are here.

BTW, it only takes about 4 years to earn a black belt in TKD. Why are you still a green belt? What rank is your wife?

Right, the "wooing" back is the CARROT of Plan A.

The carrot does not work without the stick (killing the A). And you won't be able to kill the A without exposing it, period.

Forget all the other stuff, forget the counseling and don't talk to your W about the A anymore. Tell us what you are going to do TODAY to collect your evidence. Here are some suggestions:

Install Flexispy on her cell phone (what kinda of cell phone does she have BTW?)
Install keylogger
Install VAR/GPS in the car
Check her email accounts, check her FB account

If I were you, I would do all of the above. Waywards are notoriously sloppy and so focused on getting their fix(contact with OP) so doing the above will likely get you your evidence fast, w/n a day or two is my guess.

BTW, this IS a physical affair, the sooner you accept this the better so that you can get serious about saving your marriage and not waste any more time.

Friend, I hate to break it to you, but the odds are VERY high that this has gone physical.

You need to snoop. Get a VAR in the car and catch her talking to him. Hire a PI if you can. Put a keylogger on your computer so you can see the messages they exchange.

If you uncover anything say nothing. Come here for advice. But she will downplay her relationship with OM. That�s why she told the counselor that this was �only� an EA. That�s really all the evidence you need.

Tell her that it needs to end now and that you�re not happy with her taking classes with someone she�s admitted having an affair with.

Greenbelt, please go listen to these radio clips. They are dr harley speaking to other betrayed husbands about how hard it is to recover a marriage when you keep the affair secret.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2518985#Post2518985

Greenbelt what have you done to get evidence? You were given steps to take.