Well, I'm back! Its been 2 years since Dday and a year and a half of no contact whatsoever from OW. OW has been out of the picture for over a year after H asked for a paternity test. We have not even had the slightest peep from her until now. H received a summons from SRS for paternity, child support and back child support!

Why in the hell would she wait! And to make matters worse, the papers were sent out on our Anniversary! I have been crying AND MAD AS HELL for about two weeks now! I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I just lay and cry and look at my children and cry some more.

It seems like she waited until we were happy, and we were. We were happy. H has been doing everything over and beyond what I need as far as support and making sure I understand that he loves me and wants this marriage to work more than anything.

I am at a lost for words!

Get legal advice now.
Before you decide anything, find out how to protect your own children financially.

Callalily,

I am sorry for the bad trigger but thank God you and your H had two years to recover your marriage and trust! Now be a team and get an attorney right away! Please tell me you protected your assets by filing for CS? You need to find out if your state goes all the way back to birth or only to the time of being served.

Whatever you do, tell your FWH not to respond directly to xOW and to not make any out of court settlements.

It is illegal to file for CS and SS for me and my children where we live. Good ole Midwest! We have contacted our attorney and he is trying to see what he can do and if the courts will even look at the fact that we were first to initiate the paternity test and she was unwilling to provide information at that time.

Worst case: it goes back to birth

Best case: I have five children and she won't get as much as she thinks because they do consider him taking care of us in their formula.

It really sucks because it seems like as soon as we were "good" she had to pop back into our lives and now I'm questioning EVERYTHING!

Sad days

Is OW getting welfare?
Or, some other form of public assistance?

Well at least they consider your COM in the calculations. Here unless your file first, your COM don't exist.

It is a TRIGGER, callalily and a perfectly natural response to a threat to your well being. Take some deep breaths, meditate on the good times and keep working your recovery. Remember you are a team and xOW is the enemy of your marriage.

Callalilly .... you WILL get through this.

I guess she is getting assistance from the state or applied to get assistance. She probably lost her job.

I'm trying to tell myself that we can do this...I guess the best way to put it is I'm Scared! I do not want this to be his C, I need for it to not be his C.

Not sure if M will work if it is....the guilt and family disapproval of NC will destroy us.

Look, the M is between you and your H. The decisions made between H and W are none of their business. You do not have tell the family about the OC if you fear they will go behind your back. I am all for honesty but more for supporting your marriage.

Oh, Calla....I'm so glad you checked in but sad it's under these circumstances.

FF and Pep have already given you excellent advice.

I'm SOOOO happy to hear your FWH is doing what it takes to make you and your COM feel safe.

Please keep us posted. HOPEFULLY even if you have to do the test, it will come back negative. That's what we can pray for.

(((CALLA)))

Yeah, I suspected that she tried to get assistance from the state and they insist that the child's father, if known, support the child, not the state.

OW probably wants nothing to do with either you or your H.

Is there any way you can possibly relocate before a test is court-ordered?

Keep this in mind: In our fight to keep OM away, the legal costs can get expensive. In your case, OW may not have the funds to take this as far as it needs to go to get a paternity test. Your attny may advise you to settle out of court only if OW agrees to a lesser CS amount than what the state would enforce if the court case went all the way. Anything you can do to think ahead would help.

As for the rest of your family, they cannot be a factor in this, as they'll offer unsolicited advice and opinions, all of which you don't need right now. This is between you and your H. To protect our family we've kept our situation between us for now. Only a couple people in our family know about the A and OC's DNA, per my BH's wishes, and that's how we've decided to deal with it for now. It's what's best for our family. While people have differing advice on exposing OC's DNA (especially to our parents), I think that POJA and your M are most important, and whether or not to tell your family is not ultimately that important as long as the A remains in the distant, regrettable past.

My prayers are with you, Calla.

WH.....bravo on paragraph 3. very impressive. glad you are taking extraordinary precautions to poja. wtg!

Thanks, Migs. I hope you're doing okay.

POJA has really helped our M survive after everything we've gone through, and eliminating love busters and building love has made the M thrive. That combination has really helped us fall in love again--even with our insurmountable uphill battle post-A with an OC and an involved OM.

So, Calla, keep hope alive. I remember going through the court stuff too--stressed every time the mail came!--but it DOES get better. Please keep your focus OFF worrying and ON your M.

bravo wanthealing!

Hi Calla,
As FF said this is a trigger. Unfortunately it is part of a 20 year process that we have to put up with if want to stay in the M. The good news is that if your H gets an attorney and does everything through the courts, there does not need to be any C between them. It isn't anyone else's business what you and your H decide. Do what works for the two of you. protect your COM as best you can. Every now and then we get a dentist bill or something via the attorney or direct from the medical provider. My H has c'ed the provider and explained the circumstances. We have NC with the OW. Haven't heard from her directly in 2 years. She will probably pop again shortly, but it is only about paying medical bills. I don't think she wants to mess with CS because she would lose infant daycare now.

Hold tight, communicate and POJA with your H.

You can and will get through this..

Fled

I'm surprised that a suit could be filed on a man where there is no paternity test and he's not on the BC (i'm assuming). Doesn't that mean the a woman could name just anyone and the state would file a child support suit?

With all the DNA testing available, I would have expected some form of prove. At least an order for DNA first.

Don't panic. Be smart about how you handle this legally. I agree. No out of court settlements..........that admits paternity with no protection.

Quote

Doesn't that mean the a woman could name just anyone and the state would file a child support suit?

Threadjack. Yes, this happens all the time. Throw in an incorrect address, and the man not answering the summons to court because he never received it, and you have someone lose a case by default. Which could result in getting his pay garnished or go to jail for non-payment of support for a child that isn't even his.

Hello Everyone...Its been awhile so I thought I should check in with you all.

H did go and submit DNA....we haven't heard anything yet. I keep praying that God will intervene on my behalf and on the behalf of my children and keep our family together. I have begged and pleaded that by His Grace and Mercy that he will make sure that this is not my H child....then I have real doubt that he won't. Then I go back to praying, pleading and begging God and trying to convince myself that its not H child.

Yeah a whirlwind mess I am! I guess it doesn't hurt to keep praying but I also wonder what I am going to feel and go through if my prayer isn't answered. I don't know how long it takes for DNA tests to come back. I guess all I can do is continue praying.