I�m a FS. I started reading this website almost two months ago. It has helped me understand that I�m not the only one that feels the way I do. My H and I are on our second marriage. We have been married for 9 years now. I was diagnosed with breast cancer after our 3rd year and intimacy was not on the top of my list. I also deployed for 7 years of this marriage. While I was gone my H dealt with my 5 kids, the oldest being out of the house. He thought I was cheating on him because I was ticked off by the time I got back home and had to settle the fights.

We took a cruise in Jan and had a great time, we were close and intimate. I thought he would understand that once the grandkids moved out I would have more time for us, but we never talked about it. On June 27 (1st D-Day) I was off work. I got up found my H�s iphone . I unlocked it and opened the messages. Up pops his text to the OW. I wasn�t sure, but it looked like it was more than just friendship with the words he used. So I sent him an email with her name told him I was leaving. He came flying home from work. Told me it meant nothing it was just kissing and hand holding when they met at lunch. Basically an EA, but his body language seemed to indicate otherwise, like he blew it, as if he missed a deadline at work. He told me they both decided they weren�t ready to leave their S yet. Yet? He said he would take her off facebook, delete her from his phone and all emails. He would have no further contact with her. Sounded like text book reaction to me.

After that first day, I cracked into the phone records, e-cards, yahoo mail and even found a secret g-mail account where I found her nude pictures she sent him. I was too upset to read over each email. Less than a month later, 2nd D-Day, while he was on a cruise to Alaska with my son and MIL, I finally found the e-card outbox, where he sent her e-cards the day after they had slept together. How she rocked his world! She was being discharged from the military and the OWH had left with a truck load to FL, while my husband offered to help her finish packing and would help take a load to FL too when the OWH got back. I was out of town for my stepfathers 80th birthday party. Satan couldn�t ask for a better setup.

My H had docked in Seattle earlier that day and I called him and read his e-card over the phone. I wasn�t sure I wanted him to come home, but the strange thing was I really missed him and was looking forward to him coming back. I decided to allow him to come home and of course I had some rough days. I couldn�t figure out why he would be with this woman at lunch dates and just kiss and touch for 10 weeks without doing anything else. Why wait until the day she leaves to sleep with her? I met him for lunch on base yesterday where it all started and just got upset and started asking more questions. Which he confessed she would service him occasionally when they met at the park off base and he in turn did her. Now it makes sense.

I�m trying to be the forgiving wife as Christ forgave me, but the resentment and the total hatred of what he has done is eating away at me. I can�t grasp that he actually cheated on me, and can�t stop the images that come to me every day! Some days I think I�m just going to leave when my son graduates in two years. I want to be the forgiving Christian, show mercy. I realize Satan lied to him, but I know at some point he had to have made a conscious decision and that is what hurts! I did resend his e-card to her with my threat of sending it to her husband, but I have not. It would mean the loss of a security clearance and job for my husband if the OWH pushed it, but I think he should know he was lied to too. I�m torn between forgiving and forgetting or just leaving! We are doing better now, we are closer but I still think of it every day.

Sorry, I was trying to shorten it as well as I could. He figured it out when they got to FL because they were "always" texting, but she told him it was only kissing and hand holding.

I understand. She is 10 hours away and if they met halfway it would be nothing to meet in one day...he goes fishing a lot for the day. I have started going to the tournament weigh ins with another lady that is going through this with her husband.

My H knows I check his phone for messages, phone records, check his email and when she did reply to him to find out if I sent the ecard to her H, he told her not to email him again and forwarded the email to me. I know it can be manipulated, but I think he is being totally honest, he calls me anytime he is away from home for more than 45 minutes.

I want to email the OWH or text him because what I say is not proof to get my H fired, but I don't want any drama if he decides I'm lying. My husband deploys in 10 days, so I may think about doing it then.

Texan,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reason that you find yourself here. However, MB is the best place to be to re-cover a marriage after infidelity. You have already gotten some very good advice from GloveOil. He is knowledgeable about MB fundamentals and very articulate.

Start by reading the book, "Surviving an Affair" and the articles on this site. There are steps to recovering a marriage after an affair.

First, there can be no contact between the affair partners. Has your husband agreed to never see or talk to this woman again? Will he hand-write a no contact letter that you will mail? Exposure of an affair shines the light on a sleazy act. Definitely tell OWH everyhing you know. Ask him to tell you if he discovers your H and his W are in contact. He can be your best ally.

Second, eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. It sounds as if OW already moved 10 hours away. This is a good start. It also sounds as if your H shares his passwords and emails with you. He must agree to be transparent with you; tell you what he is doing every day and what his plans are. Install a keylogger on the computer. Take a look at the operation investigate thread for ideas on how to monitor your H's phone and computer.

Third, build a marriage that has romantic love. Romantic love occurs when a couple meets each other's most important emotional needs and avoids lovebusters.

Are you and your husband both in the military? Are either one of you going to be deployed in the near future? Were you married when you met? How many and how old are children living with you. You mentioned grandchildren living with you. How many and how old are they and how long will they be with you. It sounds like a very busy household with little time to spend together.

AM

No, I have not bought the Surviving an Affair book, yet. We had a marriage class in church when we were first married so we both know the concept of the love bank etc. I still have the His Needs Her Needs book and Love busters I want to go through again. We are currently reading Staying Close just for a place to start.

Yes, I feel he has told me everything now...especially after the other day about his meetings in the park with her. He says he only slept with her one night and I know which night it was because I called from where I was and he was not home. I also checked the phone records and you can tell where there is a break with the all night texting until 4am during the week while I was gone and where it picks up, first thing that morning on his way to work. He says if I want all the details he'll tell me, but I don't want to know each move. I think he has told me what I need to know.

I've made it a point to let the daughter in laws handle their kids and I babysit a couple of hours before they go to bed. They live with us 7yrs, 4yrs and almost 2 yrs. They are high energy. Occasionally when the other daughter in law has a/c problems or car problems she stays with us with her kids 6yrs, 5 yrs and 2 yrs. I have been more available to spend time with him as much as possible. The only thing is I'm normally not a clingy person, so I don't know if I will get tired of being together all the time. I guess for now...I stress when he is not around even though I know she is 10hrs away.

We are both contractors, retired military. I took another job an hour away so I would not need to deploy anymore. He goes once a year for a few weeks. Which is in Sept. I get home around 6pm, but I also have a day off during the week. So the evenings are about a 2-3 hours together, and then I started going to bed early to be with him...I'm a night owl. The weekends we try to spend time together by going to dinner or a movie. I'm hoping I don't start stressing about his being gone. I believe him when he says there is no contact, but that doesn't stop the doubt. I'll check out the UA book too.

He has cut off all contact with her, email, fb and texting. I have access to all of those. Just not work, but I think I will check that today when I go meet him for lunch. I don't think he will write a letter. Right now the husband has no proof to get his clearance pulled and him fired. Which if I email I have to be descreet about what I put in the email and names so her H does not have proof, but he is informed of his wifes behavior and can watch her. But according to my husband he may try to come shoot him. Not sure if that is the case, but I don't know her H.

We have been trying to work on the romantic love, I have to be careful to keep our bedroom a sanctuary and not bring it up, but sometimes his actions make me wonder if he did that with her. So I loose it. But over all he tells me he loves me and that he is sorry for almost loosing the best thing in his life and that he will never do that again.

Sorry I answered your question in GloveOil's post. We both retired military and are both contractors. I was deploying for 3-4 months twice a year. He goes once a year for a few weeks. Which will be in Sept for 3 weeks. He was married when we met through a mutal friend, but had already told his spouse he wanted a divorce before we met and moved out soon after. They had a son together and that was his reason for not leaving. It doesn't make me proud that is how we met, but I did question him on his behavior and if this was a repeating occurance with him. He said no, they had not had a marriage for a number of years, it was just on paper. We have my son which he adopted that is 17rs old will graduate in a couple of years. The grandkids have lived with us for about 3 years now. 7 years, 4 yrs and 2 yrs...and then the other daughter in law stays with us off and on with her kids 6yrs, 5 yrs, and her 2yr old by another man. Yes it is busy, but I have pulled back from helping with them. I was a single parent for 10years and know how frustrating it can be, so I tried to help...too much. That is where my H felt isolated and gave up on us. His co-worker had been there almost 2 years and were doing lunch as a group and then it was just them alone. Progressed from there because she would ask him how he was and show concern, he is type 2 Diabetes. She was 30yrs old, we are 50yrs old. That hurts too!

It sounds like this is a pattern with him and this is what would be considered an affairage by Dr Harley. Could it be that he has decided to move on again in the same way?

And please get ahold of the OW's H and inform him of the affair.


This is enabling, MT. If your H gets fired, it will be because of his unprofessional, sleazy behavior. The OWH has a right to know all the facts, and absolutely MUST have your H's full name and address. He has a right to that information. Please don't protect your H from that. That harms him personally and harms your marriage.

Texan,

I see that you have some of Dr. Harley's books. I recommend that you get and read "Surviving an Affair" first.

The fact that your husband would not write a no contact letter is very telling. It means that he is still planning on being in contact with this woman. Perhaps at work or some other way.

Sorry, I am confused here. Did I read correctly that OWH knows some things about the affair, but does not know that it was a physical and sexual affair? Or he knows that his wife was in an affair, but does not know that it was your husband? Your husband saying that OWH would come shoot him is wayward talk. It is the type of thing waywards say so they can keep secrets, a requirement to keep an affair going or to come out looking "Squeaky clean" to outside people. People in affairs do not want others to know what they are doing/have done. Did I miss how this affair started? Was it in the workplace? Did the OW move because of a job change? Is there any possibility that your H and OW would ever see each other because of work?


My H and I are retired Army. We both were COLs and had TSI clearances. Neither of us have ever seen anyone who lost their clearance by going to their boss and telling them about a past affair. In our case, my H admitted his affair to his commander, was investigated, received an Article 15 and punished. He did not lose his clearance. If your H is honest about his affair, there would be no reason for his clearance to be withdrawn.


AM

I don't believe he has decided to move on. He tells me he wants to work things out and even went to our pastor to talk to him about it, which is also his friend. Wants to go to counseling too. He says our relationship now and the way it was before is all he ever wanted. He didn't do any of that with his ex. But yes the thought has crossed my mind.

As I said before he is trying to be as transparent as he can with any texts, he shows it to me if I'm there. I went to his office today and we went through his email and pictures. He did find some old emails and deleted them and one picture he found he deleted. He said he thought he had deleted everything. He even sent me a text apologizing and said he spent the next hour going through his emails to ensure they were all deleted.

The OWH already knows who my husband is, she told him it was only kissing and hugging going on.

We did not discuss a no contact letter. He acutally sent her an email and forwarded it to me. Not sure if he has her address. But when she responded to the e-card I re-sent to her, He again told her not to contact him again that we were working things out and that he hoped they were also. That I was only warning her I had her H's information to tell him about the affair.

The OWH only knows that my H and she held hands and were kissing. Plus they were texting a lot. They worked together for about two years. A started the middle of March this year. A group went to lunch together until it was just the two of them. They moved because she was medically discharged. No possibility of them seeing each other unless she came for a visit. They both agreed to end the affair and be friends for now. That was what has me concerned. But he says there are no plans now for them to get together later.

He and I both have TS/SCI clearances. I talked to a security manager today and she said if there was no chance of being black mailed it did not need to be reported. Not sure how his company would handle his behavior though. He has told me if I felt the need to let her H know that was up to me. Of course he was not happy about that and I can understand. We have only told a handful of people. Thanks for the additional info on the clearances.

MT, I am not one of the seasoned vets here, but I will emphatically say that your H and that OW cannot continue to be friends. No emails or any other contact of any sort.

My FWH had an affair during the last part of his deployment with the understanding between the two that when he came home, the affair was "over." Yeah, right. They continued to email and after a couple of months of emailing torrid messages to each other, he decided OW was his "soul mate" and planned to leave me.

Just need to let you know that contact in any form is dangerous to your marriage and must not be tolerated.

Friends????!!!! Yeah, right.

An alcoholic does not remain sober by gazing at a bottle of Jack all day.

NO CONTACT FOR LIFE.

What do I put in the email to the OWH without sounding vengeful? Do I tell him what I found out with minimum details?

My advice? Keep it as short as possible, but request a follow-up via phone so you can discuss. My email was like this.

So he moved out after he met you? Did you know he was still married when you started dating him?

He told me he was in the process of getting a divorce. We lived in two different states about 18hrs away from each other, so it was not much of a dating process going on at that time. We kept in touch. Where he was it took a year for the divorce to be finalized after legal separation. He had not filed for legal separation at the time I met him. It was not a sudden decision. They had not been intimate for over 5 years. He stayed because of his son. He was in the military and did not want her to move with their son. I questioned him about reconciliation because I did not want to be considered the OW stopping them from working things out. He assured me it had been over for years.

This is an extremely common lie told during most affairs. OM's wife was very surprised to hear that her husband believed they had not been intimate for years, as they'd been having better and more regular sex at the time than they'd been having for years.

It's also one of those excuses that make betrayed spouses feel even worse. "You thought having an affair was OK because the other person wasn't getting regular sex from their spouse?" It's one of those excuses that makes perfect sense to someone "in the fog" (an out-of-control Giver due to an overwhelming Love Bank balance with an affair partner), but no sense to those who are not. The unfaithful spouse's Giver is driving their relationship, making the needs of the Other Person more important than anyone else's needs... including their own, or those of their spouse.



He lied to you.

"Getting a divorce" means "I'm married."
"Legally separated" means "I'm married."

There's an important thing that happens to your brain when you fall in love. Logic starts going out the window; you want to be with the person you're in love with, damn all the consequences.

If you're married to the person you're in love with, this is a good thing. Both logic and passion will tend to create a course toward a fulfilling marriage with your spouse. When passion and reason are aligned, you can accomplish amazing things together.

If you're married and in love with someone who isn't your spouse, it means that you begin making decisions without a logical basis behind them. You're forced into decisions where your passion and your reason are at odds with one another, particularly if you have children with your spouse.

Over and over again in these forums, you'll see people rationalize affairs because they were "going through" a divorce, or "separated" from their spouse. At times like those, it's even more important to follow extraordinary precautions in one's relationships with members of the opposite sex. If your spouse can't meet your emotional needs due to separation, falling in love with someone else takes your rational mind out of the decision-making and allows passion to rule. That creates tragedy, drama, and destroys lives.

So the WH and I had a counseling session 3 days ago with our pastor. Our first. I brought up that I want to let the OWH know about the PA. My WH is worried about his job and I told him he made that decision already when he got with her. My pastor wants me to hold off. He thinks because it has ended and she is 10 hours away, she is not a threat anymore. I love my pastor and respect his wisdom, but I told them I still feel like the window of opportunity is there even if my WH it totally devoted to me in working this out. He does not know what his emotional reaction would be if she came back to town and popped in on him.

Yesterday after emailing WH exerpts from MB posts on why I want to know the details, not explicit details, but how it all started etc... he finally emailed me how it all began. Do I believe him? Yes I do, he has nothing to gain in lying to me anymore. So my thought is, while he is out of the country for a few weeks, do I send her this confession email and politely give her a piece of my reality? How their decisions effected two families that she should tell her H the truth before I did. Is that wrong?