I've had lots of meltdowns too with my h. Lots of AO's. I was 'armed to nuclear proportions' as Dr H says. I never really understood why I kept doing it. I was a reasonable person overall otherwise.
I understand the regrets that follow such behavour. Totally.
It was because I didnt have firm boundaries. I wasnt willing to let him go because of his freeloader mentality. I just kept shouting at him not to do it.
My mother is super calm with my dad. In fact she tells him he is free to be with other women if he wants. He just cant expect her to be with him too! See the difference? She has a firm boundary, so she doesnt need to lose her temper.
You are perfectly right to want 100 per cent commitment and a marriage from your husband. To want a plan to fix whats wrong.
It is ok for you to insist on being with a buyer. That is a perfectly fine boundary for a married person! Ok to lose your temper about it? No. Instead you need to speak up about your boundary.
Here's what he keeps doing to make you lose your temper....
he says he wanted to prove to me that even after the Divorce papers were filed - he was still CHOOSING to spend his time with me (again he has a very high stress demanding job that he works from 7:30am-5:30Pm then takes a break to come have dinner with us and goes back from about 7:30-10:00, plus he works most all day Sat & Sun.
This is called dating you. Commitment-free. And it is driving you nuts. Bascally he's saying "I will stick around for as long as it is fun - thats when I choose you"
So no , we are not living as divorced people- we are living like how we were when we were married with the exception he does not stay here at night.
Again, dating. Which isnt what you want - or should be settling for.
Scotty,
that he wanted the threat of the possibility off both our shoulders (ie: D has been filed , we can either work thru this or not whats the worse that can happen).
So the reality of a D is less stressful than the possibility. How?
Scared that I may look back and wonder if I should have done something different.
Plan A and Plan B is the most that you can - and should do.
But Plan A involves being very firm about your expectation of commitment and marriage.
Plan Aers say:
"I do not talk divorce - I talk marriage"
"I expect you to commit to recovery"
"It is up to you, but I expect my needs met in order to stay in any contact with you"
You do this while meeting needs. Carrot and stick.
They do not do this.
I signed the papers. Uncontested. We mututally agreed to the money/ kids situation.
Plan A and Plan B is supposed to kill toxic behaviour like an A or freeloading.
It is not about getting on board with a freeloader's desire for a D.
I think you can shake him out of it - but only with tough love.
