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Forcing you to stay silent and allow this woman contact with your children (while you sit there and smile??)is a deliberate twisting of the word of God, I believe.
Your husband is doing this for many reasons, fear being one.
..and I guess a strong attraction of your WH to still see/talk to/seek out and counsel his affair partner.
The reason it is eating you up inside is because you know this is wrong, and you are being forced to comply to twisted logic.
I am sorry you are here. I am sorry that you are being pressured by the one you love to continue to harm yourself, and your family by hiding the soil of his emotional affair (P/A?) against you.
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/05/11 07:08 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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IMT;
I am not as well versed in the Bible as the other posters, but one thing I do know is that Jeasus always told the truth.
No matter how hard it was for him, or how much trouble he was going to get into, from the time he was "lost" as a child in the temmple up to and including his earthly death -
--- --- -- he. always. told. the. truth.
For your husband to imply that God wants you to ignore the truth..
This woman has wronged you. By contacting your children, in front of you.. she is continuing to abuse you Barbie has hit an important point: Joh 1:14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. - Christ as God came and took on humanity in truth. John goes on a few verses later to tell us that the truth came through Jesus.
John goes on a few chapters later to record for us Christ's own words:Joh 8:31-32 "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, (32) and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." The Holy Spirit is called the Spirit of Truth. (john 15 &16) Paul picks up the same thing in I Corinthians 13:6 where he tells us that love does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Does this mean that the truth is easy and always pleasant? No! It means that we take comfort knowing that it is the truth that sets us free. Lying, covering up, hiding brings bondage and oppression. Sin begets more sin. Bringing the truth to light is freeing, and we rejoice not in the pain of what the deed was, but in the fact that we stand open and clear before God and man... With a clean conscience. The 9th commandment: Do not bear false witness still applies to us as much as don't kill and don't commit adultery. It is a pretty simple command from scripture. In the Hebrew it reads like this: lo anah shav ed reyah: no giving witness of lying/false testimony of your neighbor ( brother, companion, fellow, friend, husband, lover, neighbour) look at all those different types of people that are included in the meaning of that one word that is translated as neighbor... Covering for someone's sin is lying. it is giving a false testimony. You are projecting an intentionally false image of that person(s) when you cover for them. The truth is what needs to be told to your church and your children. So they are free to understand rightly as well CV
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im,
You and your husband are living your lives believing that nobody else knows.
This is like walking around with a rag over your eyes believing nobody can see you.
The only way you will EVER experience any peace in this church is to go to the pastor and tell him what happened.
You will not experience any peace if you change churches, because you cannot leave the truth hanging in the rafter of the church - the rumor mill will worm its way to your new church.
Find your peace with confession and guidance with your pastor.
Your religion is literally BASED IN FORGIVENESS
for the sake of your children
use your own tenets to save your marriage.
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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...You will not experience any peace if you change churches, because you cannot leave the truth hanging in the rafter of the church - the rumor mill will worm its way to your new church. ...
imtrampled is so new to MB concepts that the fundamental importance of exposure (in killing affairs & ensuring that they stay dead) is foreign to her. In the same way, the (I would say even more) fundamental importance of "no contact, for life" is also foreign to this poster.
I believe it was not your intention for it to be so -- and I don't think this is what you meant -- but I think that, taken out of its context, your statement above could be misconstrued to suggest that changing churches won't help. When rather, indeed, it might not only help, but might possibly be a sine qua non, a factor without which her marriage can't recover, if the other woman insists on staying put. It may well be that imtrampled & her husband can only establish no-contact by changing churches. (Not necessarily, but possibly, this may turn out to be the case.) At this point, it at least needs to be on the menu of options for imtrampled & her husband.
If they change churches, that does not preclude a reckoning with their obligations at their original church. I do agree that the context in which this affair has taken place requires, at a minimum, that that church's leadership be informed of what's been occurring under their watch; and possibly that the broader church be informed, depending on specific circumstances & the affairees' particular positions (to which we're not yet privy). However, I just want it to be perfectly clear to imtrampled that changing churches may need to happen in order for the marriage to recover.
FWIW, my wife & I changed churches after my affair. In the days & weeks after my affair ended, the necessity of this for us became clear enough to my wife & to our marriage counselor and finally to me. We'd told the church leadership of the affair within 24 hours after d-day, but in our circumstances, the move away from that church was also necessary. From a recovery standpoint, even though the other woman & her husband also left that church, being in that church still would've been a tremendous source of ongoing triggers for my wife & me both had we remained there.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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First off, sheesh! I don't know what is worse, my typing or my creative spelling, MB I apologise.
Glove Oil makes an excellent point. MB thinking is probably a 180 for IMT. Her current thinking has been in place for months, after a horrible shock. Sometimes the BS feels shame, too.
These emotions can make you vunerable.
I am not speaking for IMT, I have been there, under different circumstance, and basic, fundimental changes in rational thinking do not come in an instant.
If someone tells you what to think, and you agree to this thinking for a long time, well - ie; if someone tells you something enough, you really can start to believe it.
We can not expect IMT to change her thinking without reading the MB rationale behind it.
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/05/11 07:06 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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IMT;
No one here will blame you for the A your H had.
No one thinks your stupid, no one wants you to leave.
I dont know why but I sense a lot of shame in play here, on a lot of levels.
Maybe my spider sense is off tonight... but.
You should not feel shame because you cant automatically forgive this A. That will come, but for most it takes time.
Here at MB we think about marriage and recovery differently than most.
This even includes some marriage counselors.
What you seem to be describing is silent inaction and quietly painful to you.
To "MB ears" it is a screaming siren with red flags.
It is an excellent place for you to be.
You should read Surviving and Affair- right away.
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/05/11 07:20 PM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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We can not expect IMT to change her thinking without reading the MB rationale behind it. It has nothing to do with "reading MB rationale," but with enabling. What do you want her to go read to get that? I can think of nothing. She doesn't need to read a book to get that. She can read the posts here telling her to stop being an enabler. And yes, we do expect IMT to stop enabling by reading our posts. That is the point, after all. We give her advice for a reason: THAT SHE WILL USE IT. I don't understand why you think she can't follow the advice given here. We fully expect she will wake up and stop enabling her husbands affair. That is the point. We need to be encouraging her to take some decisive action now and stand up for her marriage, not giving her excuses to continue destructive behavior. When people come here for help they dont' have time to gradually change their thinking. The Titanic is sinking NOW, not next year, so urgency is important.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, ML, but Barbiecat has just simply said that IMT needs to take time to read here. I didn't read any kind of "rationale", but rather to learn up on the priciples and educating herself right here.
Should she not learn/read Basic Concepts first? Maybe she's already done that..can't read the enire thread tonight. If she has, does she need help with Basic Concepts then?
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Yes, ML, but Barbiecat has just simply said that IMT needs to take time to read here. I didn't read any kind of "rationale", but rather to learn up on the priciples and educating herself right here.
Should she not learn/read Basic Concepts first? Maybe she's already done that..can't read the enire thread tonight. If she has, does she need help with Basic Concepts then? No, the Basic Concepts will come in handy when she is ready for recovery. She is far from that point right now and needs to focus on the problem at hand. What Barbie said is that we cannot expect IMT to change her thinking without reading the MB rationale behind it. I disagree. There is nothing TO read about enabling. Everything has been said here. I expect her to change her thinking about the biggest problem, ie: enabling, by reading our posts. There is nothing about enabling in the Basic concepts, after all. So no, I don't expect her to read the Basic Concepts at this time, which does not address her issue and would be a distraction. That will come in handy when she is ready for recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. we have told her everything in our posts that would help her at this time. For example, her next steps need to be exposure. We have explained this principle to her and when she responds, we can help her with a specific plan to do that. It would be good for her read Surviving an Affair, but it is not required to take first steps or to change her thinking about exposure.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"The Titanic is sinking NOW, not next year, so urgency is important."
Agreed, but folks need to learn the concepts first, no? If we (anyone...not YOU.. whoever) don't take the time, seems to me that there is so much time lost (wasted) with new posters fighting the game plans and such.
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"The Titanic is sinking NOW, not next year, so urgency is important."
Agreed, but folks need to learn the concepts first, no? If we (anyone...not YOU.. whoever) don't take the time, seems to me that there is so much time lost (wasted) with new posters fighting the game plans and such. Yes, we are teaching her the concept of EXPOSURE right now. That is being taught right now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"The Titanic is sinking NOW, not next year, so urgency is important."
Agreed, but folks need to learn the concepts first, no? If we (anyone...not YOU.. whoever) don't take the time, seems to me that there is so much time lost (wasted) with new posters fighting the game plans and such. Surfer, and once again I see you telling other posters how to post instead of picking up a shovel yourself. There is nothing stopping you from helping others here. Rather than trying to instruct those of us who are doing the heavy lifting, how about picking up a shovel yourself? I have a certain approach with newcomers and I am happy with that approach. But you are free to post whatever you choose.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You know what, ML? Point well taken. And jives with your new thread about the vet defintion. I've been here for almost 3 years (not registered for as many), and I can probably stop deferring to the "vets", huh?
Nah...not trying to tell other posters how to post...but, comes off that way, obviously. I'll be more confident in my posts. Thanks, sista.
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Most likely she is not. But, she will return, when her sitch is worse off than it is now. And then she will be SCREAMING for advice. My hope is that she IS around now, and will take the advice already given. How many times I have wished that I would have found MB earlier, but then I think, I may have been one of those posters who wasn't ready to actually do what it takes. When someone is at that point, you can see it, because they actually DO what is suggested to them.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Everyone needs time to process.
But --
What a great world it would be if everyone "got it" from the get go.
MB thinking IS different. If you do not understand the REASON behind a full, honest and concise exposure, it may make little sense to a new poster to do so.
Exposure can certainly go against many "gut feelings" some BS have. (In my first MB readings, myself included.)
I have hope that IMT is still reading..
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/06/11 08:24 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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We can not expect IMT to change her thinking without reading the MB rationale behind it. ....trust. A new poster may not have trust in MB yet. I appreciate I walk a path, you use the freeway. The more MB I read, the more I got it.
Last edited by barbiecat; 09/06/11 08:30 AM.
Me; W 46
Him; H 46
2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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We can not expect IMT to change her thinking without reading the MB rationale behind it. ....trust. A new poster may not have trust in MB yet. I appreciate I walk a path, you use the freeway. The more MB I read, the more I got it. But sending her off to read books will not help her understand what we are saying. Please let us help her instead of sending her off on wild goose chases. That is not helpful to her. Don't be part of the problem, Barbie.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"The Titanic is sinking NOW, not next year, so urgency is important."
Agreed, but folks need to learn the concepts first, no? If we (anyone...not YOU.. whoever) don't take the time, seems to me that there is so much time lost (wasted) with new posters fighting the game plans and such. When someone is bleeding out, the first move is to stop the bloodletting, not read a First Aid manual, yes? The same idea applies here. IMT no doubt is reeling from her H's A, and is now finding out that covering up the sin and going on with their lives isn't going to work. That can be a paralyzing thought for some people.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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