Here's that link that MarriedForever posted:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

OK, while I'm preparing for B... do I plan A or treat him as he's treating me (aka a steaming pile of crap)?

Edit to add: Do I expose again for B? I was thinking along the lines of a "thank you for helping her destroy my marriage, watch your husbands, she might want to add to her collection" kind of message to her friends and family.

To our friends, I think just calling them and letting them all know he left me AGAIN for her will be enough to get them to toast his butt.

Yes, re-expose but not until right AFTER you go to Plan B, that way you are nowhere near the fallout and don't have to deal with his/her temper tantrum.

Plan A if you can or if not, just ignore him. Try your best not to LB.

How quickly do you think you can get into Plan B?

P.S the only reason I am suggesting this is because I know how I was in between discovering we were in a FR and going into Plan B. I was a WRECK and it certainly wasn't my BEST Plan A during that time, LOL. It's kind of counterproductive to say "I love you and want to save this M, I know we can save it...you lousy POS, I hate your freaking guts".

Thankfully I was able to get into Plan B really quickly so didn't undo all of my Plan A.

ROFL He's inviting her to our house to have it out... he hates me... la la la

LB's all around, can't help it, this is so not going well. I keep telling him to leave and he won't.

Oh my word. I would not let her step foot on my property.

Sounds like it is time to get him out. Maybe she won't have him.

I think you are so very ready to go to plan B and let them at each other.
Sink or swim time for the two lovebirds.
You need to turn towards your own future and see if the WH ever comes running after you with the right state of mind to rebuild.
Don't even try to imagine it will happen, just that it vaguely, possibly, miraculously might some day if the affair dies its natural death and he has some insight to the mess he made and wants to right it.
With his heart attacks, he might be too far gone in the spirit to ever be capable but you have to fend for yourself, your own sanity.
Plan B is sanity.
Its tough to detach from the marriage but you have to head for your own lifeboat and he either finds his and gets in or not. You can't hoist him into it.

He called her in front of me and we argued. I'm ready for him to leave, I'm done. Problem is he won't leave now because she doesn't want him either.

Any suggestions?

Can you have someone there with you? Maybe a family friend, or two, and pack his stuff. Tell him that it is too painful for you to be around him and he needs to leave. It is possible that with witnesses, he will leave. It may take some time.

You need to not engage him. You need to just repeat over and over again, "Your affair has hurt me too much. To save myself further pain, I am asking you to leave." Repeat repeat repeat.

You can wait a day or two to actually get him a Plan B letter. this way, you can get your IM figured out.

BTW, you don't need to talk to OW anymore. She is NOT your friend. If there is more contact, you should just expose her.

I never thought I could get my XH out without a court order. The angle I took was that I needed some breathing room...I gave him hope that I would eventually take him back. He thought he would be home in a few weeks....

So you might try that...I told him I needed to be away from him because the affair had hurt me so bad I needed time to heal. It worked. He rented a place, I packed up his stuff and met him at his apt. I had removed the key to our home from his keyring...and I had already convinced him, at the last min, to sign a seperation agreement. I just struck while everything was in chaos.

However, I was ready to go before a judge and get him out. We signed the papers with an hour left until our emergency court hearing for temporary support. So if he won't leave, I'd file for divorce and force him out.

Good grief, I NEVER thought I would be that close to losing my mind. He's out like a light now after attempting to swallow a bunch of his meds. I took them all away and gave him just the ones he needed for tonight (thankfully they make him drowsy as h*ll).

He woke up for a minute (I was watching to make sure he wasn't fake sleeping) and said "God, I'm glad that [censored] is outta my life" and went back to sleep.

I'm thinking someone somewhere really needs to study waywards brains, there's something really NOT right going on in there.

So who was he talking about? You or OW? ???

He was talking about the OW.

It's kinda funny in a way, that he was so determined to hurt me yet he couldn't directly tell her "I love you" over the phone. He just kept saying "There's only one woman I love".

I'm going to call his dr tomorrow to let him know what's up.

If he's still here when I get home from work tomorrow, I'm going to ask him to leave again and if he refuses, I'm going to bring a couple of his friends over to drag him out. It would do him well to sleep on someone's couch for a while.

Wow. He is one wafflin' fool right now. He needs to be out of the house imho. He is seriously destroying and residual love left for him that you have, and he's lucky you even have .02% of it right now left!

My xwh did the same thing. He'd waffle back and forth and we had a FR too.

Whatever you do, DO NOT LET THE SKANK into your home and further defile your life. Tell wh that she is not allowed in YOUR home, where YOUR peace is, as your peace and tranquility and heart has been broken b/c of THEIR affair together.

WH can't figure out which way is up, and sounds also mildly depressed to me also. I'd communicate that to his doc too.

But you need some peace and relief right now. I know I seriously could NOT handle a lying, sniveling, waffling wayward at all. Not one second.

He needs to simply come home and see a plan B letter for him, with instructions to him as to whose couch he is to crash on, and the requirements for him to work through if he ever thinks for one nanosecond you'd ever take him back. Set that bar high. And I like what the other poster said about how he's hurt you so much that you need him out!

While he's out on anothers' couch, I'd have locks changed and if I could, a temp court order keeping him out. You could even cite emotional abuse because that's what an affair also causes. Lots of emotional abuse and pain.

I still think this could work between you two, but this guy has to work through his deep fog, and decide he wants to do all the heavy lifting for a long while. He has to feel lucky you even allow him to exist in the same universe as you!

Do not talk to the OW. It's a complete waste of time because she is in her own fog. She will end up dragging you down to her immature level and you want to hold the higher ground because you ARE the morally high one.

I'd try to get him out. He hasn't hit rock bottom yet and is going to continue to waffle as long as he can.

You could always change the locks as soon as he leaves for a few hours. Leave his personal belongings on the front porch with your PBL and have a friend/family member locked inside with you.

I don't think I'll need to kick him out. I talked to his doctor and he wants him admitted immediately.

I really don't understand APs and WSs. How do they live with themselves causing so much destruction?

They don't. Don't think for a minute that his physical problems are not related to his immoral state of mind.

I want to thank everyone who contributed to this thread. Thanks for all the good advice.

After 2 years of dealing with this affair and 2 people who care about nothing but themselves, I'm now in Plan D.

This what I want, I don't want to fight anymore and I can't follow MB if the other person isn't willing to.

I have only read the last two pages but.... even though you are moving to Plan D, are you going to cut communication with your WH? Because I think that it will be necessary to completely remove yourself from the wayward drama so that you can begin to focus on your own personal recovery.

{{{TickyTock}}}}

Yes, the physical and moral are connected.

Have you ever read Mary, Bloody Mary? It's historical fiction, but I think it's a good representation of what waywards turn out like.

Her father starts out good before Anne showed up, and he ends up looking terrible after the entire ordeal.