I don't know how far I am for you, but we're now in Pinnacle. You and the girls are welcome to come out to play with the pony and have dinner if you would like. I believe in miracles and hope you and your BH find one. ((((WPG))))

It's my intent to corrupt as many young girls with my adorable pony. I think every girl needs a pony growing up.

You guys are probably a couple hours away from us - I was actually just south of you in W-S a couple weeks ago for a conference and it took me probably an hour and a half to get there. I busted out laughing when I read your comment about the pony - the two things I wanted more than anything growing up were 1.) a dollhouse and 2.) a pony. Never got either one and I could never understand why, when we lived in the country with plenty of room, why for Pete's sake I couldn't have a pony?

I did have a big ol' dog though, and he was my best buddy when I was a kid. Seriously considering a dog for the girls next spring, our HOA would frown on a pony...

Next time you come to W-S for a conference let me know - I'd love to go to lunch. I work downtown. The farm is 25 minutes north of the city, so not too far out.

I always wanted a pony, and even as an adult I love the pony. Rather ride the pony than my horse, she's easier to handle!

I read brokens post and yours. My WW is going through the same thing you are except I haven't left yet. Its been a year since dday and I still am not sure what I want.
I read your story and I think you need to tell him everything he wants. My WW held back and made it worse when I found out the whole truth. A 3 month A with OM that is 10 min away and only 2 PA in that time is hard to believe. If your not open with the truth you will destroy any chance of Recovery.

Yes to us men our imaginations can do terrible things. That is the real damage, that our women didn't protect us from ourselves

Satan is the accuser, and nothing hurts more than feeling like a fool, or beliving you never knew the truth

But it is guilt also, that we were not good enough, and it was our fault all along.

Don't give into that accusation, that fear, and take your place again as the helpmeet.
Just do it, and don't doubt it, and God will work it out.

Hang in there you great girls who have owned up. You will be rewarded

((Hugs)) all

Hi VMM - welcome to MB, I am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

I have answered the questions my H had about my A. I have been honest about what happened during the A, the extent of it, as well as the number of encounters. My H and I went over the cell phone bill and financial statements to verify the dates that any contact occurred. I took a poly last fall to verify the number of physical encounters, to include during the entire time H and I were together. Recently I submitted a DNA test and am awaiting the results. Even though our daughters are ages 7 and 9 H rightfully does not believe my honesty nor does he trust me.

I've implemented EPs, maintained NC, been transparent with my life. Even though H and I no longer live together, he still has access to all financial information as well as email accounts and cell phone. I don't have anything to hide, so don't care if he snoops. I welcome it, b/c I hope in time he will see that I am committed to rebuilding a new M with him. He doesn't have much interest in what I do anymore day to day, although I still try to keep him informed.

Perhaps if I had not trickle truthed him for so long, we'd stand a chance, so I certainly understand the importance of being O&H. However, he no longer asks me any questions as he is intent on dissolving the M, as is his right.

I just want to add, that in us men, is the need to feel protected also, and to lead

He will either submit to a higher authority and trust God, or lean upon his own understanding. Whether we are married or not, living by our own checklist without looking up, for trancendence, we will spin in circles

We all go kicking and screaming to the cross, where our belief that we are perfect just the way we are, and are not in the need for instruction, is crucified

When they realize, that we all fall short, then they will be able to trust in something they do not understand, and become humble to that higher authority
Only God, can lead them, in this need for submission, and to have the ability to forgive.

I pray that they see, that this is part of maturity, and they are blessed to have repentant wives. Who are just as human as they, needing leadership and covering, as we all do.

Sounds like you are doing everything you know how to do to try and make it work. I agree that delaying the whole truth is very hard to get over. For me the betrayal then the lie after lie took everything out of me and left me without hope.
I know it sounds odd but have you expressed your "love","desire", "lust", and "need" for him? What I mean is that as a husband we have a ego the size of skyscraper and when our WW decided to have an A it tore that skyscraper to the ground. It is your job to rebuild it.
You have to think like a guy and respond to what his ego needs. This is different than what you think he needs to hear.

Thank you for the feedback, CP. I admire your faith, as it's been a struggle for me, maybe because I have struggled with God so long over "control" - i.e., saying "OK God, I trust you to take this M, and if it is your will it be restored, then it will be restored," and then in the next breath, trying to jerk it back out of His hands and fix the mess I created on my own. Obviously my own methods of "fixing" things made things worse - I tried to control the situation by controlling the flow of information in the beginning, a la trickle truth. Yeah. That went well.

Getting better at it, mainly b/c I am out of ideas for what to pray for when it comes to my M. Tough said something in a post earlier, about free will. God can't "make" anybody do anything. Mainly now I just pray that H will be safe, and that he will find happiness and peace. I realized that many of my prayers weren't prayers at all, but just "wishes," like God is some great cosmic genie or Santa Claus. He's guided me - and H, for that matter - to the tools to make a great M, and I've stubbornly insisted that it MUST be for US, together, when I can't possibly know what God's plan is. Yes, He hates divorce, but He hates adultery too.

FWIW, the DNA test results came back. You can see that the girls' 2 samples are different, and he's the father of both. Well, as their language states, he "cannot be excluded as the biological father of the child, because they share genetic markers." 15 of 15 matches, a probability of like 99.9999%. Scientifically speaking, it was actually kind of interesting to read the report, although it was much more complicated than the stuff I remember from taking a genetics class in college (Mendel's peas, anyone?). I'm sure someone could find something to doubt on it, but it is what it is.

Expectations are a funny thing. I think I still have them, only now they all seem to be negative. Having a hard time shaking the whole "worthless" incident. I think that as a WS, when you have degraded yourself to the point of infidelity, that when you realize the enormity of what you've done and become a repentant FWS, that you do look at yourself as worthless, and you are waiting for your BS to affirm that opinion of you. Perhaps even if things are going well, some small part of you still expects that. That's just my experience, anyway, and my own struggle to gain the feeling of worthiness apart from the man I love and the M I destroyed.

With that said, I'd encourage any BH with a remorseful FWW - if you, BH, have committed to recovering your M - then go to her, right now, sit down with her and look her in the eyes, gently take her hands in yours, and tell her, "I believe you are worth it. Our M is worth it." I can almost guarantee you that if she is a truly repentant and remorseful FWW, that it is something she needs to hear.

What is God's opinion of you?
Or me?
Both repentant sinners?

You hit the mark with that one. We feel like King Kong and can conquer the world, then they tear it down.

WPG it is like many of us who inherit something great, and squander it. Nothing new, been happening since the dawn of time. But like the prodical son, who came back to earn forgivness, he was allready forgiven. It is the trust you are working on with him, and burying those old memories with new ones, ones of a wife and friend who has changed and learned thier lesson also.

Praying FBH can grasp that also, but as you know, that will be up to Him, and him.

Funny that men are accused of having bigs egos, when they are trying to have a big life, and walk on the edge of failure, and need those egos. They want the big life for those they love...They want to live up to the expectations.

I know that I struggle with forgiveness also, and will not have peace without it, and maybe I will struggle until I die with it. But when I take the actions she did out of the equation, and just look at her humanity, I forgive her easliy. The actions I should have never forgiven, but she was not the sum of her actions. Her actions were re-actions. Do you see what I am saying there?

Building on a new foundation, that is what is happening here, and the vine is getting pruned.

Thank you Pep - I do believe God has forgiven me, and that my faith should reflect that His forgiveness is the most important. I know I shouldn't keep looking to H for forgiveness and validation, and doing so is dragging me down into all kinds of misery. There's just part of me that can't stop looking at myself through H's eyes, instead of God's eyes...I don't even know if that makes sense, but I know I'm doing it, and I know I shouldn't. I think it is a matter of retraining my thought patterns, which is easy to say (I'm thinking of the discussion on depression that went on over on stretch's thread as another example here) and harder to do. I just keep getting stuck. I recognize it when it happens, and I realize that I'm not being rational or logical. Working on the stucked-ness part.

And I thank you for the prayer. That was not one I know, but I like it.

@ vmm, my H has said something very similar:




I've tried all sorts of ways to express those things. I don't know that I've ever been able to hit on something that resonated with him, though. Ultimately, it's all about how he receives/perceives the action, and I don't know how he perceives what I do, and how I come across to him. Unfortunately we never re-addressed the ENQ after taking it last summer, which I think is something we really needed to do - instead of just saying that we weren't happy with how this need was being filled/not filled, to suggest ways in which we would like those needs filled.

Yeah, CP, it is all up to Him, and him. I'm not going anywhere. I can wait. Just some days it's hard.

Yeah, that has been my biggest challenge in life, to understand God is not a taskmaster. The free will issue is a biggy. God will not force us, because its not returned love if its forced.

We all have learned that as the world is governed by Him, reality is he cannot change who he is, and we bring it upon ourselves these troubles and then look at him and say he is mean, but we did it ourselves.

He never changed, or lied, or made the world a terrible place. Us humans did, and that was from our own viewpoint and perception.

So maybe we should look at it from Gods point of view?

..Ok...wait a minute..I have to go earn something....Gotta eat, need a roof over my head, keep up with the jones so they won't kick me out of the neighborhood, be as normal as the others here and learn the lingo/lauguage/customs so I can keep the religion and not be rejected...and most of all, pay my taxes..
Gotta earn that, it can be tricky.

But wait a sec, what about my marriage, who is the boss of that?

Hi all - something I needed to write, and to throw out there to the world, and I couldn't think of a better place, than this place where I've gotten support in the past. With little marital recovery going on in my life, my thread has become more of my personal recovery. Maybe I should have started a blog, since there's really not a proper place here...but here goes:

A little girl�s daddy is always larger than life.

That�s how my daddy was. I was his �Punkin,� and he�he was my hero.

I remember, like many little girls do, standing on Dad�s shoes and holding his hands while he danced with me. I remember walking with him under my great-grandfather�s grapevines, where he�d pick fat scuppernong grapes for me and squeeze the juice from the skins in my mouth, because I hated to get any of the seeds. I remember taking naps with him in his hammock on lazy days in the shade.

I can remember how he�d kiss me goodbye in the mornings when he left for work, and how I�d lay in bed and listen to his car as he drove away. I remember how he�d send us letters and pictures when he was away on one of his Army trips, describing the places he saw, and how he never failed to bring us back something when he�d been away, even if it was just smooth rocks he�d found in the desert.

He had a sly sense of humor, fond of puns and plays on words. And he was smart, oh, so smart...I felt like there was no problem he couldn�t solve. He loved his crossword puzzles, and never did them in pencil�only in ink.

He was a man who was dedicated to taking care of his family. He bore the responsibility gladly, and singly, because he was a proud man and he never wanted any of us to worry.

Dad wasn�t extravagant, and he never spoiled us with material things. We never lacked for anything, but sometimes as a teenager I sulked because I didn�t have this or that like the �other kids� at school. But we always had food on the table, clothes on our backs, and he never failed to take the family on vacation every year. Some of our trips had almost as many comedic moments as a Chevy Chase vacation movie, but we always managed to have fun together.

He was one of those people who could go almost anywhere and run into someone he knew. And if he didn�t happen to know someone, he�d make a new friend, because he just loved talking to people.

He was my mother�s best friend. For 44 years they lived their lives together. Growing up, I never remembered my parents arguing. We knew when they were angry with each other, but somehow they always worked it out, and most nights I�d fall asleep hearing the low murmur of their voices as they talked together in their room, and it comforted me, to know all was right in my little world. After he retired, they did everything together, even the grocery shopping.

He adored his granddaughters, as they adored him.

Dad wasn�t perfect. He made mistakes in life, as we all do. He kept right on trying to make a better life for his family, and I wish he hadn�t felt like he had to do it all on his own. I never would have thought any less of him if he�d asked me to help.

My father was killed in an accident last Wednesday. His death has left a hole in my world. In a LOT of people's worlds.

I have fought so long and so hard for my H, and I just don't know if I have it in me to make it through this, and fight for him at the same time. I always wanted Dad to be proud of me. You know when I lied to my H, I lied to my parents, too. I didn't want them to know what a horrible person I'd become, the kind of person who had an affair. I never, ever, wanted Dad to think I was a failure at anything. And I've failed at the most important role in my life, as a wife. I know that both Mom and Dad still loved me even after they found out the truth of what I did, but I still disappointed them so badly. I just wanted to have a marriage like my parents' marriage, and I couldn't do it.

I can't even describe everything I'm feeling. I guess I just wanted to say, at least, goodbye for now, and I'll check in when I can. To everyone fighting for what is right, and honorable, and good, keep up the good fight, and I'll keep the community here in my prayers.

(((((WPG))))) I am so sorry for your loss. I was a daddy's girl too and I know how it feels to lose your dad. I'll be praying for you.

(((WPG)))

Take care of you, take care of your girls.

(((WPG)))

Trust me on this, you are am awesome woman, and he is proud of you just because, but also of your heart.

You carry him inside, so he is never going to be gone really.

Prayers out to you and the girls, and your whole family.

(((WPG)))

What a wonderful story about a loving daughter and a wonderful Dad.
Wulffpack, you don't have to worry about feeling you let your Dad down, he loved you no matter what you are or what you did, you were his little girl until he left this earth to be with God.........
When you feel a beautiful breeze on your body you will know it's him. You will hear him speak through that little voice inside of you, and he will stay in your heart until the day you leave this earth, that won't ever go away........
I gave myself a lot of time to grieve when my wonderful father passed because I know wulffpack girl that "great men are hard to give up"
You are blessed to have had him in your life............
Take care for now and I will speak to you when you get back..........
jessi