I am in so much pain I found out a few days ago my husband had an affair with a coworker a few months ago right after we had our second child. I had became suspicious and h was embarrassed so denied until the evidence was too strong. He has shown remorse, the coworkers employed elsewhere and they are no longer in contact...another told me leave him ASAP, but we would like to try to work through this. Please help, the pain is horrid...where should we begin ?

Firstly, sorry you are here, but welcome. This is the best place to find yourself in a situation like this.

If you can click on the Newly BS link in my signature, you will find a thread to help you through the beginning of this long journey. Please answer the questions in that thread, here on yours.

How did you find out about Marriage Builders? Do you own the book Surviving An Affair(SAA)?

Again, welcome.

How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)?

I am 28, WS is 32

Do you have any children? How old are they? yes, 5 and 4 months

How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?
over 6 years, first marriage for both
How did your WS meet their AP?
coworker

How long did the A last? emotional affair a year or more, the physical affair was a few times and lasted 1 month

How did you find out about the A?

WS bought a new vehicle and cleaned out the car and left a bag of stuff in the garage of important items, I found a box of condoms, he did not admit then, I had to look over phone records and look up the OW number and only then he confessed...

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it?
no, unsure what all we should read. While we are not fiancially tight, we are not able to afford tons of money on counseling so I am looking for homecourses we could do...

Hurt,

So sorry you are here. there are several things that needs to happen as you both begin to recover your marriage (and it can be recovered and better!)

1) He needs to come clean on EVERYTHING, 100%! have him write it out for you if needs be.

2)Does anyone else besides you know? If so, they need to know. It will hold him accountable. Tell your family and friends.

3) He needs to initiate no contact for life with the Other woman

4)he needs to write a no contact letter to her that you approve of (others here have sample letters

5) He needs to sit down with you and you both need to write out very clear boundaries... Emergency precautionary measures so this will not happen again. (IE: Will not talk to another woman at work or in public or in private alone or about personal things, will not flirt or reciprocate, will account for my time, open all my email passwords, cell phone info, etc...) Again there are examples here on the site.

6) is that coworker married? You need to contact her husband/boyfriend and talk with them. if they dont know they need to, and they may supply vital info.

His openness and honesty is key to your healing.

cv

hurtmama, you can do this course and recover your marriage on your own at home if you use the program outlined in Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs. There is a workbook that comes with it titled Five Steps to Romantic Love. If you are diligent and follow the lessons faithfully, you can transform your marriage and do a much better job than what you would get from a marriage counselor. They sell all of those books at cost on this website.

Another option is to do the MB online course, where you are assigned a coach and have daily access to Dr Harley. That program is about $1000 but it comes with a marriage coach who guides your lessons every week and follows up with you.

Is the OW married? And if so, have you told her husband?

My local library also has Dr Harley's books. That is FREE.

DrH also does his radio show, and you can learn a lot from that.

Believe me, with Dr Harley and MB you sure get your money's worth. Actually, you get MORE than your money's worth.

When you say that the co-worker is employed elsewhere, what does that mean exactly? Was your WH her supervisor?

Have you exposed the A to anyone?

OW is recently divorced, WS and OW got close because WS was helping her through all her problems...IDK everything. I did talk to OW and she was very unremorseful, said she had her H cheat on her and that she wanted to do this to someone, she wanted to be the OW and it was very sickening.

From my h she seems emotionally disturbed, has been dating tons of guys and they dumb her and she cries to him all the time, so even after the PA, she was still in very close contact with him, until she got a new job, which my h askef her to do, that was just 2 weeks ago...H has blocked her phone, but she does live just 3-4 miles from us and I warned h that she may try to contact him again when her life is looking down...About h beeing 100%, I am still unsure, because it took him so long to finally tell me so I do not know. They both confirmed they used protection and I have already been tested for stds, h will get tested for my peace of mind.

pretty much my whole family knows, WS says he wont see them for months now..

OW was WS equal at work not a boss, he told me she was unhappy anyway and after the PA he asked her to find another so they wouldnt be around each other anymore she no longer works for the same company.

Hurt,

Who have you exposed this to?

CV

oh and another thing, WS was already braking the ties with her before he actually admitted the A, he had already blocked the number, she was not longer working there , but all this did happen during the time I became suspicious, things really didn't taper off (according to the phone log) until I began accusing him, which also makes me nervous about the situation about whether he is telling the truth about when the PA took place for example.

I told my sister, she was the only one that knew when i was suspicious, but the next day after i found out i told most of my female relatives at a family function. Of course no one he is close to knows, he won't tell a soul and is not happy i told my family,but i needed outside support.

He needs to sit down and write out for you the course of the affair. no emotionals, just details.

CV

she quit during the time i was suspicious, i went to his work a couple weeks ago and it was the first time i saw her, she came over to me to see my baby and i could tell she was guilty. WS had a 12 minute conversation with her that night according to the phone logs and then he came home the next day and said she quit, had a new job, which made me even more suspicious, i got to see the phone logs a few days ago and that is when i put 2 and 2 together. WS said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me, but he wanted to tell me so many times even before i became suspicious...I hated finding out on my own, but the nagging feeling wouldn't go away, so i kept going over everything, the phone logs etc and then finally got enough evidence to have him admitt it. Even that gave me so much peace, i really have been feeling that he had cheated for a month now, so the confirmation finally meant i could begin to recover...

I am suffering physically though...I am 4 monthd PP, gained 48 lbs during pregnancy, lost 20 over 3 1/2 months in the past 2 weeks i lost 10 lbs and my breastmilk is decreasing,,,i need to get over the physical pain for the baby, but eating has become an issue, i eat 1 meal a day and attempt to eat 2 others but only take s few bites.

hurt, have you confirmed that she no longer works at that job? Don't take your WH's word for it. Find out yourself.

Have you spoken to OW's ex? Give him a call and let him know what his ex did with your WH. Don't assume that they are divorced. Don't believe the words of your WH and the OW. Waywards are known liars. If they ARE divorced, the affair may have contributed/caused the divorce. He has the right to know.

HM, i would start looking for a new place pronto. If he has to drive by her place all the time, you are facing an on again, off again affair. I would strongly advise you do 2 other things: put a GPS on his car or his phone. There are spyware programs like eblaster that go on a cell phone that will send you all the texts, calls in and out and send you GPS reports. eblaster runs about $65 and is at spectorpro.com.

The next thing I would do is get ahold of her husband and tell him about the affair. Her marriage might have broken up over this affair. And it might not have broken up at all. Either way, this is important information that affects him too.

HAve you told all your parents about the affair? Is your mother helping you?

my parents are dead..no way he will tell his parents...they are out of country anyway.

HE doesn't need to tell anyone, YOU DO. You should expose to EVERYONE who has any influence on WH AND OW. Does OW have a FB page?

This affair could just go underground, listen to the advice given out here and follow it. It's your best chance to survive your WHs affair.

DO IT!!

I exposed my WW.....just DO IT!!

I am sorry that you (and I) are here.....but you will get help here!!