So the affair was probably the cause of the divorce. Have you contacted OW's ex H yet?

I'm sure he DOES want you to forget about it! That way he doesn't have to deal with it!

It doesn't work that way, as you are finding out. This sort of thing doesn't just 'go away' and it is a foggy wayward who would have the audacity to suggest such a thing to their BS!

I would suggest that you have him sit for a polygraph as a condition of remaining in the marriage.

You're a long way from closure, mama. I'm sorry. There's a journey ahead of you until you get to that point. But you're going to need to do some work to get there. I'd start with the polygraph and the exposure, especially to OW's exH.

What will the polygraph do? What if he is lying about the extent of the A..... I do think he is lying about the details honestly, what do I do then? Sorry I am a be newborn...

That's up to you, mama. What are your options? If I thought my H was lying to me, and a polygraph proved it, I would be inclined to leave him as a measure of safety for myself. But that's ME. I would be callous to insist that you do what I would do, especially understanding that you have a newborn.

You could get a lawyer and draw up a separation agreement to protect yourself and your children. Then tell him to get his lying [censored] out of the house.

You could live with the lies. Can you do that? Can you live with a man who has shown you that he will abuse you and your children in the most brutal way?

What do YOU think you should do?

hurtmama --

You need to change your approach to this horrible situation you are in.

1. Stop being afraid. The worst has aleady happened.
2. Find your righteous anger. Do not let your husband bully you! Remember who has the right to be angry here.
3. Use that anger to put some boundries in place! If your husband wants to stay in the marriage, he's gonna have to do some work.

Right now he wants to bury it. Which means he still wants to keep her hidden and on the side. The affair has likely NOT ended, its just going further underground.

You must expose them because affairs only thrive in secrecy.
Your husband and OW should be EMBARASSED and ASHAMED of their behavior. You have done nothing wrong, THEY HAVE.
By exposing it, you have MANY eyes on the situation and hopefully some people who will voice disapproval of their behavior!

I don't know things are so hostile now i just dont know everytime I bring up the subject and ask details things get crazy because he puts up a wall. And what should I say to owxh? I have no clue where to start..

He says he hates me, he is ready to leave. I am tired of feeling bad for having a reaction to his affair. Maybe there is no hope for us, he is unwilling to work on us.

Doesn't that strike you as just a little bit unreasonable?
He behaves badly.
He is not remorseful.
He doesn't compensate you for your pain.
He instead gets ANGRY with YOU.
???

You need to have some courage here. Expect more from him.
And stop being afraid of him. He is using his anger to manipulate you into backing down.

He hates you? He wants to leave? Show him where his suitcase is, and the door.

That does not mean your marriage is over. But you cannot let him abuse you this way. You need to take control of this recovery and let him know YOUR expectations.

He's bullying you to force you to lower your standards. Don't fall for this. Tell him you won't exist in a marriage where one person can lie and cheat and then blame the other.

Let him leave. If he goes, your next move needs to be to contact an attorney to find out what your legal rights are.

Do you have access to your bank accounts?

Yes, he just took 1k out. I am getting nervous, he still hasn't left. I want him to he may hurt me.

He just packed and left.

Call three attorneys. Check on your state bar website to make sure none of them have reprimands on file. Google reviews of each too.

When they call you back (you usually get someone else answering the phone and taking your number), ask them about legal separation.

I say call three so you can see which ones are responsive to calls, seem to communicate well with you.

Since he is taking joint funds without communicating clearly.......you need to protect your finances.

You can love him, want to save your marriage and still not be helpless.

How do I protect the money?

Go immediately to the bank and withdraw all you can (keeping enough for auto-debits, etc..) and open an account in your name alone. one he doesn't have access to.

Exposure (I think I saw you haven't done this yet) will kill the fantasy he is hanging on to. it will hold him accountable to family, friends and coworkers. I'd do it tonight if you haven't already.

Hang in there, you can make it!

Oh and call those lawyers!

CV

Are you afraid of physical abuse? If so, get the locks changed too. Have a friend come and stay with you. Call the cops.

CV

I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Who leaves his wife with a 4 month old baby? He is really heartless right now.

You will come out of this stronger. Take a deep breath.

1
Now, look up attorneys in your area and contact three of them. You can do it. One step at the time. Call them right now.

2
Just as important: secure the money out of the bank accounts ASAP. Do it today. If he left, he may be taking more money out of the accounts. The money the two of you saved. For the children. For your pension fund. And he may spend it on this despicable creature. Do not let him do that. If he comes back and to his senses, he will regret it. You must protect the family now. Take the children, or let the neighbour babysit and go to the bank fast!

3
If you did those important things, eat something and feed your baby. It needs you more than ever. You are the strong and sensible one in the family for now. You steer the ship. Take your vitamins and feed your baby. Do it every 2-3 hour when milk is diminishing and try to think loving thoughts while you are doing that which will help the milk. (that means try to blend out the foggy husband for now) You can take that time out.

4
Exposure of his affair is not to embarress him or you. Rather, through the reactions of the other people, the wayward husband comes to see the affair in a different light. This is the ideal time to expose. Ask all people that are in contact with husband or affair partner to help talk some sense into him. What kind of man leaves his wife and newborn?! I cannot imagine, that this is what his parents envisioned for him. Does his mom really want him to pay a lot of child support and not see his child? If you have a short exposure text, post it here and I am sure everyone will help you with it. You have got nothing to lose. Do not forget to expose to the friends of the affair partner. Even her friends must find it tacky to xxx the husband of a pregnant woman. Please prepare to expose.

You can do those things to protect your family and to try to make your husband come to his senses. Do them one thing at a time. Take care of yourself and the babies. Dont't forget to eat. force yourself.

May God bless you and your family.

Happyheart

At attorney will tell you how to get a handle on the money to protect it. Call some and tell the people who answer the phone it is critical you talk to the lawyer asap.

mama, do the two of you have credit cards? Does he have access to those?

I want you to think - where can he get money? Try to cut off access to marital funds. If you have a credit card account with him, call the card company and tell them you want your limits lowered to the current balance. It may help to keep him from taking out cash advances and maxing out your cards.

Mama, I am so sorry this is all being dumped on you. You've got enough to deal with, having a newborn. I wish we could say "Take it easy, mama, and deal with this unfaithful husband business in a few months after you're feeling up to it." But this can't wait.

Do you have any friends you can call on to help you?

If you are the primary card holder, have him DROPPED from your credit cards asap. Call them tonight.

Make sure your friends know where you are at all times. Remain SAFE. If you have any worries he may do you bodily harm, call 911 and go directly to the police station.

Has he made a threat against you? Even a slight, veiled threat is enough if you are having extreme fright. God gives us an innate ability to sense danger, especially when we are parents, so we can protect our little ones.

Secure as much of the assets as you can. Please get a friend with you right now. And if you sense or feel ANY BIT of danger call the police.

My xwh went completely insane one night after the ow broke up with him. Totally nuts. He broke into my home when I was coming home from work (who knows what might've happened). My next door neighbor caught him and called the police and he was arrested later the next day (he ran from the police).

Waywards are running on a high. They ARE NOT THINKING CLEARLY. Thus, they can become violent, abusive, emotional, weepy, giddy, or exhibit any extreme of emotions and behaviors. They are behaving as a drug fueled crazy person would behave. I hope that makes sense to you.

Right now is NOT the time for any marriage building, but for some SELF PRESERVATION and SURVIVAL for both you and the little ones. His extreme behaviors need to be dealt with immediately. Take a tough stance now and do not back down. He may count on you backing down, but do not. If he threatens you at all, call the police 911. If he tries to take $, don't let him!! YOU secure the assets first.

DO call an attorney and state when you call IT IS AN EMERGENCY.

And lastly, do not bring your wh here at all. Not right now anyway. You are in survival mode.

Check in with us after you've taken positive action and let us please know you and the babies are safe ok?

we are okay. WH texted me around 5 with suicidal intentions, i freaked, called his friend though i didn't expose the A but he and his wife are now on the alert we are having problems. So he did come home to say goodnight to the kids and was very emotional and crying etc. I didn't talk to him or look at him really. He told our 5 year old he is staying at a hotel, and then he left. The reason I was worried about bodily harm is because he went nutso and broke a bunch of picture frames just before he left, that is why i told him to leave...Once the baby gets to sleep for the night i will be getting all my ducks in a row and try to get a plan in action.