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I guess my point was that recovery is recovery. Whether it is yu on your own or with her by your side. CV It's too bad that the recovery I want is the two of us in our Marriage and all WW wants is to recover her facade and blame me for it all.....my Wife will see that our Marriage is/was recoverable.....one day.....the question is, will it be too late? Have you told her this? That *right now* the marriage is recoverable? Defering to the others here if they think it is a bad idea, but to just say it in those words... Very plain and soft spoken. Nothing to lose. I have been VERY clear to her about my wishes and willingness to recover our Marriage. I just keep getting refused and pushed away. The Alien factor is HUGE on her end.....the fog-babble is massive and deep. It's like nothing I have EVER seen before. My Wife just isn't there......my "Real Wife" might be in there.....but she isn't in control. She won't take responsibility for what she has done. She is blame-shifting and making me the bad guy, because I exposed her far and wide, in order to cope. It's very sad. You got me through another Plan A Day!!!!! 1 day at a time!!.......it's 1 day at a time!! Sometimes that's all we can muster is one day at a time. And it's enough. Tomorrow is always a new day, and new days always have hope. And it IS day by day that I can cope.....each day I ask God for the strength to get through ONE MORE DAY. I don't want to get bitter.....just don't need it!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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I have been VERY clear to her about my wishes and willingness to recover our Marriage. I just keep getting refused and pushed away. The Alien factor is HUGE on her end.....the fog-babble is massive and deep. It's like nothing I have EVER seen before. My Wife just isn't there......my "Real Wife" might be in there.....but she isn't in control. She won't take responsibility for what she has done. She is blame-shifting and making me the bad guy, because I exposed her far and wide, in order to cope. It's very sad.
And it IS day by day that I can cope.....each day I ask God for the strength to get through ONE MORE DAY. I don't want to get bitter.....just don't need it! I had to stop a sec and think... I remember doing this for 9 months with my W when she was in the A. I couldn't prove the A and she wasn't admitting. Laid a lot of crap on me to change, etc... No responsibility at all. I didn't know what plan A was, but was plan A-ing my butt off. It DID pay off. the fog lifted for us on Dday. I had forgotten that I was the bad guy for pushing and pushing. But you know what? If we gotta be bad guys, let's be bad guys for doing the right thing! CV
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Sometimes that's all we can muster is one day at a time. And it's enough. Tomorrow is always a new day, and new days always have hope.
And it IS day by day that I can cope.....each day I ask God for the strength to get through ONE MORE DAY. I don't want to get bitter.....just don't need it! I remember an old song, one that I used to sing at times of trial, heartaches and confusion, years ago. "Minute by minute" by The Doobie bros. with Micheal Mcdonald. It seems that even when we don't have the ability to make it day by day there is a provision to make it minute by minute. From what I know about God he gives us second by second also..nanosecond by nanosecond..its unmeasurable in our understanding. We can trust in the right thing to do, or pervert it by making a compromise for a few crumbs of what it should be. Those decisions of what we will accept are our choices, and when it comes down to what we respect marraige as, thats our choice also. If someone wishes to compromise the marraige, and drag it down, compare it, and not work on what they have allready, they are cutting thier own throat, and they do not see it. Its like sand was thrown in thier eyes. This is why waywards allways affair down, and at best spend thier lives making excuses and convincing themselves of flimsy reasons why they quit thier marriages for the next affariage, or worse the next AP, or next Boy or girl friend.. God will not honor those people, thier hearts and attitudes, or give them peace, but mostly they will not really know love as it was meant to be. Ask any recovered marriage, or a healthy one, and you will hear the same. "I am supposed to be married to so-n-so and I have absolutly no doubt!" I will pray WW will come around to God again and put Him in charge also Bill. In Him we can trust our hearts
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I have been VERY clear to her about my wishes and willingness to recover our Marriage. I just keep getting refused and pushed away. I had to stop a sec and think... I remember doing this for 9 months with my W when she was in the A. I couldn't prove the A and she wasn't admitting. Laid a lot of crap on me to change, etc... No responsibility at all. I didn't know what plan A was, but was plan A-ing my butt off. It DID pay off. the fog lifted for us on Dday. I had forgotten that I was the bad guy for pushing and pushing. But you know what? If we gotta be bad guys, let's be bad guys for doing the right thing! CV When the WW and I were in Marriage Counseling (before WW left the house and before D-Day) the Counselor asked us both "Are you in an affair?" WW lied to the Counselor and said "NO". But WW had no problem listing my faults to the Counselor. Now.....WW was correct about many of those faults, and the pain of that is difficult for me now also.....BUT I ACCEPT THAT AND I AM WILLING TO CHANGE!.....for my own betterment and for my Marriage. I'm NOT giving up!! "Let's be bad guys for doing the right thing!" I LIKE IT!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME TODAY!!! DD was crying at one point......she is obviously emotionally overloaded. I WILL NOT increase her emotional burden! We are having dinner tomorrow. I WILL keep dinner discussion tomorrow about DD and I ......NOT about her Mom! DD has had WAY TOO MUCH emotional trauma in this. THANK YOU LORD for my DD!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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YAY, Bill! I was hoping she would come around!
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Good news, just reassure her your relationship will not change, tell you missed her very much but wanted to give her time to absorb the news and the changes but glad she is okay and willing to continue contact........ make a pack to get together and stay in contact having the relationship be just about you two. jessi
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME TODAY!!! DD was crying at one point......she is obviously emotionally overloaded. I WILL NOT increase her emotional burden! We are having dinner tomorrow. I WILL keep dinner discussion tomorrow about DD and I ......NOT about her Mom! DD has had WAY TOO MUCH emotional trauma in this. THANK YOU LORD for my DD!! Just love on her. Let her direct the conversation. If she needs to talk, let her talk. CV
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MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME TODAY!!! DD was crying at one point......she is obviously emotionally overloaded. I WILL NOT increase her emotional burden! We are having dinner tomorrow. I WILL keep dinner discussion tomorrow about DD and I ......NOT about her Mom! DD has had WAY TOO MUCH emotional trauma in this. THANK YOU LORD for my DD!! Just love on her. Let her direct the conversation. If she needs to talk, let her talk. CV And given time, she may end up being your biggest ally in bringing your W around.
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MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME TODAY!!! Great news Bill!!! I noticed you had been quiet on the boards so glad to hear you have gotten good news. Enjoy the time with your DD at dinner. Listen to her... if she steers the conversation to WW, she may want to get things off her chest and I think you should let her. Just remember that if you lovebust about your WW, you are lovebusting DD's mother. Wow, this gives you a chance to show your commitment to maintaining your relationship with your DD despite your WW's actions. DD will see the man you are, the example you are setting for her with relationships. Bon appetit Bill!
Me (BW): 35 Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it. Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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UGH...... DD canceled our dinner.....said she "doesn't feel good, didn't sleep well last night". I believe her......she sounded tortured on the phone.....I'm sure the anxiety is hitting her too. I will give her space........give her time. She called me yesterday....she will call again. But....Dad DOES worry about her! Thank you for your support!!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Hang in there Bill, she WILL call. Give her time.
Sorry about your disappointment though...
Do something nice for yourself... maybe go out with friends for dinnner instead?
Me (BW): 35 Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it. Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Something Strange happened this week.
As you know the WW has broken off all contact with me after the exposure (July 2011...WW left moved out of the May 2011).
There are two friends here in the town where I live, a Husband/Wife couple, that my wife and I shared our lives with for the last 3 years. (I'll use the names Tom & Carol for simplicity) The four of us would share our sporting events together (all four of us are HEAVILY INVOLVED in this sport), we shared lunches, dinners, picnics, birthdays, out of town events. We were close as two couples can be. Even they noticed the change in in my Wife over the last 12 to 18 months.
When WW left the house in May she cut off ALL contact with them. NOT ONE WORD to them after moving.
This couple has saved my life during this separation, D-Day, exposure and my ongoing emotional recovery. I owe my mental and physical health to their Love and support!!! EVERYONE in WW's small circle knows that this couple has been my emotional salvation during this.
So......last week.......out of the blue......Carol gets a text message from WW that says "I miss you. Hope You and Tom are doing well."
I think reality is kicking in for WW......because this is VERY unlike the WW and the WW KNOWS that Tom and Carol are COMPLETELY aware of the entire affair and events.
Interesting.....but strange.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Carol gets a text message from WW that says "I miss you. Hope You and Tom are doing well." It sounds like WW is missing this part of her 'old' life and sent out a feeler to Carol. Possibly she is hoping to get some sort of absolution from someone she was close to (in order to feel better about herself), possibly to see if their friendship can resume in WW's new 'altered' world. How did Carol respond?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Carol gets a text message from WW that says "I miss you. Hope You and Tom are doing well." It sounds like WW is missing this part of her 'old' life and sent out a feeler to Carol. Possibly she is hoping to get some sort of absolution from someone she was close to (in order to feel better about herself), possibly to see if their friendship can resume in WW's new 'altered' world. How did Carol respond? Carol responded in a Neutral manner.....and received a curt "I'm happy" response. This may get interesting.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Carol gets a text message from WW that says "I miss you. Hope You and Tom are doing well." It sounds like WW is missing this part of her 'old' life and sent out a feeler to Carol. Possibly she is hoping to get some sort of absolution from someone she was close to (in order to feel better about herself), possibly to see if their friendship can resume in WW's new 'altered' world. How did Carol respond? Carol responded in a Neutral manner.....and received a curt "I'm happy" response. This may get interesting. Bill: This does sound interesting. I'm not sure what the right protocol is, but my gut is telling me that you should encourage Carol to try to sway your wife to give up her AP and that you'd be thrilled to being to restore your marriage. But that, of course, you wouldn't be a doormat to her cake-eating. Not sure, but having people remind her what she's giving up, how hurtful her actions are, how willing you are (with precautions, etc), might give her the opening she needs? Hopefully, someone withe more Plan B experience will chime in. Cheers, SP
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Sweet Pea, I think you missed something - Carol and her H were friends of Bill and his WW. She's not having an affair.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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It sounds like WW is missing this part of her 'old' life and sent out a feeler to Carol. Possibly she is hoping to get some sort of absolution from someone she was close to (in order to feel better about herself), possibly to see if their friendship can resume in WW's new 'altered' world. Yes it sounds like the old adage about how horrible it was at home with all the chores to do, the dishes to wash, taking out the trash, Oh it was just horrible! Then you start to realize just how good you had it, and miss the lifestyle, that you had somehow come to hate. She probably wants to reconnect with Carol, but with her new self, and be accepted just as she is now. Want it all with no repercussions? Yes. My DD was 19 when my WW then fully relapsed into Alcohol and living with a dim-witted drinker and Coke-head. She was invited over with her BF at the time to have dinner with them at dimwits house, so she being a graciuos and polite girl who missed her old family life and Mom, went over. She heard her Mom telling all the tall tales of how wonderful it was going to be, they were going to buy a house, and la-de-dada.. She must have put on such an act.. But my DD, calmly and clearly said, "Thats nice Mom, but we will never be visiting you there" It must have torn my little girl apart, because it shocked my WW, from what I heard, and my DD loved her Mom dearly. But DD kept her composure, and was waiting till the day WW died to see her Mom come back to earth, so we could all be together again. She knew what Mom was doing was a slap in the face to all of us who had been working to support the family, and to my 24-7 work ethic, for what was true and sound, all of our lives. See Carol and Tom have that same opportunity, and I hope they take it, to help bring WW back to earth. So much temptation to pick apart those closest to you, and tear apart those who hold you up. I hope they stand for marriage, and do not compromise it. Proverbs 16:32 He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. Your WW does not know what spirit she is of ATM, and a calm reminder that she is wrong, and is disrespecting herself and all that is given for her protection and health, would be good news for her, even if she does not want to hear it. Praying she will hear it Bill
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Just had to add that my xwh, Darth, also tried to reconnect with our pre-divorce friends also and was SHUNNED by them. She is trying to get the friends to ACCEPT the affair partner, and of course real friends WILL NOT.
So she will learn a boundary. I am not sure if she is pining away for her old life. She may be by now (prob a little bit), but when you're knee deep in fog (or something else that's stinky)you just are that way, stupidly fogged out. And in that state, she is wanting to gain acceptance for her affair.
She doesn't like being shunned by your "couple" friends. She misses that and what she had (legitimacy) and is seeking that now with the former friends.
Imho, best thing to do is like the other poster said, and have the other friends TELL HER ADULTERY IS WRONG AND THAT THEY WILL NOT ACCEPT OM. That puts a boundary in place and also nails another coffin in the affair fantasy she has created.
In affairland, ww is imaginging a world where YOU pay all her bills, the OM just caters to her every whim, and she retains all her assets she shared in the marriage, and also has the love and respect of all her friends because "she was so brave to have to leave her marriage". That is the DREAM of every stinkin' wayward.
Didya know that? That is their common dream. And it's our job to make sure they find out IT IS ONLY A DREAM and that reality is far far different.
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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Sweet Pea, I think you missed something - Carol and her H were friends of Bill and his WW. She's not having an affair. No, I understood it. Carol is friend of Bill's. Wayward wife reached out to Carol. Carol was neutral. Wouldn't it be better for Carol to tell WS to clean up her act so that WW can return to the man that truly loves her (I had to re-edit this last part)? That's what I was trying to say, but probably came out mangled.
Last edited by sweetpea2011; 09/19/11 08:54 AM.
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