My husband and I together 5yrs 8month
Married 3 years
Both of us on our 2nd Marriage
I have one special needs child 13 from marriage 1 (marriage 1 dad is completely out of the picture. My husband has been her dad for the past 5 years)
And We have a 2 year old together.

my husband filled out the emotional needs doc ..
didn't show it to me he instead moved out.
he came to the conclusion that our marriage is joke and can not be saved and he thinks we are totally different people living different lives.

the more i try to talk to him about doing the course the more he shuts down.

i just want him to try. i know if he tries with me .. it will work.. i know the sites content. and i listen to the show everyday..

but what should i do now .. when he's not responding at all to the idea of working it out.. and now he's out of the house.

Please Pray for him.

Welcome to MB, Holley. I am really sorry to hear about your H's behaviour.

Could you please fill us in a bit more? What was your marriage like before H moved out? What caused you to do the ENQ? There mut have been problems. In your view, what were the issues that were causing problems in the marriage? Did he ever give you any indication of the issues for him?

I have to warn you that his is the classic behaviour of the person in an affair. Men do not move out and leave a two year-old behind, just like that, because they are not getting on with their wives. If there were no-one else involved he would at least try to work on things.

What do you know about his relationships now that he has left your home? Where is he living? Does he see your children regularly? Have you any idea whether he is seeing someone else?

How did his first marriage break up? Was infidelity involved? Does he have any children from that marriage, and does he see them?

Why is your daughter's father "completely out of the picture"? Why doesn't he see his daughter?

What is his complaint about the marriage?

What caused me to do the ENQ?
our marriage has been bad for 2 years

our problems.
no sex in 2 years
it upsets him that hes the provider for the family
he pays all the bills .. except food i take care of that.
he thinks i'm using him to just pay the bills he doesn't feel loved..

he's angry that i have been leaving him and the kid
to run a "volunteer project" that has consumed my life
and takes me away from the home 2 to 3 nights a week.
so he's has feelings of abandonment. for the past 5 years he starting complaining 2 years ago

i did hear threw the grape vine he has been seen with sitting very close to a co worker around town at lunch time... i just found out about it after he moved out. i asked him about it.. and he said .."it's not like that" :o/ mmmmmmmm k

he staying with his mom and dad
he just moved out Aug 20
he wants to see the kids while i'm at my "volunteer project" he want to come over and put them to see and leave when i get home .. and he wants to take them on the weekends.


his first marriage break up Was infidelity with no children. his wife left him for the other guy and then they married.

i have been studying the site for 2 or 3 months now.. i know what i have to do. i'm willing to do any thing to make him happy
now that he has scared the Sh*T out of me.

i want him to just work with me.. but he is so scared of me now.
he came over Fiday night to talk and see the baby and i scared him with .. I love you .. i love you.. and crying and i tried to kiss him hold his hand and touch him and it just made him feel uncomfortable and wanted to run away. it was sad to see him so scared of me. I do love him and want him back i'm our home like NOW. but what i'm doing seem to be doing more damage.

I do have his mom on my side to kind of put some bugs in his ear that he needs to at least do the course with me before we wreak our family.

my husband shuts down when it's time to talk about problems.
it's tricky cause i'm trying to reel him in and not scare him way with reality.

and i have told him ..i will quit the volunteer project. i will pay half the bills .. he's says it to late .

my soo scared :o(

my 13yr old father just doesn't have any interest in being around. POS basically.. he's a great dad to his wife and kids now. :o(

Ok, did you stop doing that when he complained?

Thanks for answering, Holley. It makes the picture a bit clearer.

Why has there been no sex in two years? Since he is complaining it sounds as if this is your decision. Why have you not wanted to have sex for that time? What was H doing or not doing that made you withdraw from him?

How does he see himself "paying all the bills"? It sounds as if your two separate incomes are not treated as joint income, which they should be. Have you refused him access to your income? Is it in a separate bank account? Why have you done this? It sounds as if you have had independent lifestyles in your marriage, and you can see that this is not good.

Why, when he complained about the volunteer project, did you not reduce or stop your involvement? You were leaving your husband and also your baby two or three nights a week. Weren't you worried about doing this?

One thing you could do right now is quit the volunteer project, and let him know you have done this. In any case, you won't be able to stay away overnight if he is not there to look after the kids - unless you are rich and can pay for overnight child care.

Your H has been asking you, for two years, to do something to meet his needs and improve your marriage, and you seem to have refused that. It will not go down with him now for either you or his mother to put pressure on him to do the MB course. Why should he do this for you, when you did not agree to his requests over sex and spending so much time on the volunteer project?

I think you need to show him what you will do, rather than demand what he should do. Stopping volunteering right away would be a start. You need to sell the MB programme to him and not use pressure.

You also need to find out more about this co-worker situation without arousing H's suspicions. Can you find out her name and whether she is married?

i didn't stop..
but i told him after he moved out that i will stop every thing that makes him un happy.
and that we need to take this course before we D. word

Holley, is there a reason why you wouldn't stop before? I can see how he would conclude that you don't care very much about him or the marriage if he complained for 2 years and nothing changed. I am, frankly, not surprised that he left over that.

Perfect advice.

he stopped having sex with me.. i never turned down sex.
but i did continue to the project just because i sign a 5 year contract. i didn't limit my hours when he started complaining.
but yes it was not enough.

i have quit i'm not the the v. project at all any more..
but the only way i can get him to our house now .. is when i go back to the project. cause he wants to come watch the kids while i do it.. :o/ should i go back so i can at least see him and offer up love bank deposits when i see him each night before he leaves. Hmmmmmmm

Ok, but what about your marriage? You had much more of an obligation to your marriage.. Why was the contract given more importance than your marriage? Do you see that it is your attitude that is the issue here? He is right to be concerned as long as you put the marriage last.


Going back on the project will not make love bank deposits so I would not do that. I would go to him and let him know that you realize you made a mistake by not paying attention his complaints. Essentially, you put this project before your husband and the result is a wrecked marriage. Do your best to attract him back. But you demonstrate your willingness to make him happy by quitting the project altogether.

Instead of trying to get him to babysit, see if he will take you out on dates and leave the kids with a babysitter.

I would also start spying on him to make sure he isn't having an affair. That needs to be ruled out.

thanks for the advices i will stay a way from "volunteer project"
i really love him ..
I hope this works.

I wonder why you felt so strongly about the project, Holley. Is it connected to someone you care about? Your daughter and her special needs, perhaps?

Of course, it is good to give help to people in need, but such activities must not put the marriage in jeopardy. Dr Harley advises against paid employment that destroys the marriage; he advises people to retrain if necessary and change their jobs. I think he would say the same of volunteering; it must not harm the marriage. Volunteering should be the subject of POJA, and it should be organised to fit in after couple time (undivided attention - UA time - 15 hours per week) and after family commitment time - also 15 hours per week.

yes all this knowledge is coming a bit to late. i didn't find MB until June. I spent June reading the site. Aug I showed my husband the site.. Still i was not completely sure what all he was unhappy about so i needed him to do the ENQ .. he sat on the information for a few weeks. Then finally he read the ENQ .. and left me the next day. i know what all needs to happen now. I just need him to want to give me a chances :o( and i do need him to do the course with me so we can learn to complain a little louder. cause every thing i know about his dis likes i basically had to figure it all out. I just want him to try this with me :o( my project is a sports org. he was a big part of it in the 1st two years . I started this Org right when we started dating.
He helped with the marketing design. but i would love to say good by to it now .. i just need my husband back.. cause I'm going to be in some legally trouble for quitting..

I'm going to do my best to attract him to me again. he pretty done with me right now... and has built up anger about the past 2 years. and doesn't want to see me cry .. so he's trying to stay way.

This is killing me. i told him i'm sorry and will do what ever it takes to make him happy.

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Men do not move out and leave a two year-old behind, just like that, because they are not getting on with their wives.

Not always true. Men will leave if they fear the possibility of being charged with DV, either real or manufactured. Men will also leave if they've tried for a long time to get their wife to work on their marriage and the wife refuses to do so, and the man is about to file.

Your husband isn't going to want to follow the MB program if he feels that you are trying to educate him especially since, from what you've written here, you haven't put much effort into being his wife until he threatens to leave.

Still haven't answered the question asking if you work and contribute money to the household, would also be curious if the father of your daughter pays child support.

BTW, if you are a "volunteer", why do you say you have a contract? A volunteer can leave at any time, and there is no contract because there is no implied wage or benefit being provided to you. A contract implies employment with some sort of compensation for your time.

So Holley321, other than cry and tell him he "needs" to read the materials here, what have you done in an effort to make yourself a more attractive spouse for your husband? Still haven't quit the volunteer work, right?

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I'm going to do my best to attract him to me again. he pretty done with me right now... and has built up anger about the past 2 years. and doesn't want to see me cry .. so he's trying to stay way.

Ok, you've read the materials here, what concrete steps are you going to take? He's not staying away because he doesn't want to see you cry, he's staying away because he's PO'ed and doesn't want to see you, period.

The point I made was that moving out does not happen "just like that", which was the way Holley painted it in her first post. At the time I wrote that, Holley had made it seem as if she simply asked for him to complete the ENQ and in response he moved out. At that stage she had given no details of the two years of problems, and of his requests for a solution. She appeared baffled.

If a man leaves a three year marriage with a two year-old child "just like that' without working on it, then it is right for someone here to suggest an affair. In Holley's case, that is not in fact what happened.

Yes, I understand and agree with you. I just pointed out that there are exceptions.

Of course he doesn't want to see you crying. I suspect to him it's manipulation and proof that you are just about your own feelings.

I suspect he has felt alone for the past two years. But his requests were ignored. Now you come to him in tears and expect that he responds?

Was crying how you initially attracted him? If not, then it's probably going to have the same results you've already witnessed. It will be met with anger at the very least. You've not met his needs for two years, yet you come to him, needy. That's probably not going to fly with a husband who has been neglected for this long.

Holley, I am thrilled to hear that your H came home today! How wonderful for you both, to be ready to rebuild your marriage!

Please keep posting here - your journey has just begun. We can help you both rebuild your marriage and make it great!

Check in please, Holley!