DO NOT DO THIS!! DO NOT SPEAK TO HER ABOUT AN AFFAIR AGAIN UNLESS WE TELL YOU!!

Please stop making the strategic mistakes TODAY. You do not EVER ask an affairee if they are having an affair. That defeats the purpose.

Thanks, Melody. I appreciate your comments.

What would you say if I told you that when she said she needed me out of the house because she feels spied on all the time (I'm a computer guy, and I really got far into it.), I said that "I understand that if I spied again, that would be the end of our marriage. I just won't do it."

I can't come back from there. Does there need to be evidence? Her behavior is so conspicuous. Isn't that enough?

Would it make you happy if I have someone find out where she goes on Tuesday and Thursday nights? It used to be kickboxing all the time. Now, she sometimes clearly hasn't been there. (she gets drenched in sweat.)


My real question is this: She is going to insist that our relationship (our trust) is gone forever if I do these things. Is it worth it? If I have some sort of proof is it better than just knowing that something is clearly up and wrong?

OK. If you're sure, I won't ask her.

I need a guidebook here if you're so certain of what to do. I *am* willing to substitute someone else's judgement for my own, but I'd like to know that judgement is sound.

Don't take that as an insult. Ok, it sounded bad. That's not what I mean.

I need to know that I'm doing the right thing. And what that thing is.

I would say that the only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise. That was a crazy thing to commit to and you should not hold to it.


That is a good idea. Quietly spy on her to see what she is doing. Download her phone's contents into your computer. Can you slip some spyware on her cell phone while you are there? eblaster will send you logs of her texts, phone calls and GPS position reports. That one costs about $65 and it is pretty good.


If the falling down drunk "insists" your relationship is over if you take away his booze, do you pay attention? Of course not. Your wife is high on an affair and is the equivalent of a falling down drunk. Just because you have allowed yourself to be manipulated into not interfering with her destructive behavior, does not mean that you continue on that path.

Time to change course. You have been seriously gaslighted and are repeating crazy fogbabble back to us as if it is FACT. Do you realize that?

Do you realize how crazy it is to behave as if it is BAD to snoop on someone who is harming you behind your back? Yet, you are acting as if that is normal.

Of course. And you are right to ask questions to understand our reasoning. But I want you to understand that you are operating under a severely warped paradigm because you have been gaslighted. Do you know what gaslighting means? See, your wife is having an affair and that is WHY she wanted you to move out and exactly why she didnt want you to snoop. She actually was successfully able to make you feel like the bad guy for snooping on her. She also has blamed you for all the problems in your marriage when the real problem is her affair.

Oh sure, I have no doubt you weren't the husband of the year. But your marriage did not break up over your depression and financial problems. It DID break up over her affair. Her is affair is the sinking Titanic, your shortcomings are the peeling paint in the girls bathroom. They are garden variety marital mishaps. Yet, she has turned this all around to make you believe you are the bad guy.

And when you rightfully suspected something was wrong and snooped, she used your actions against you. Of course, you allowed her to do that, so you are partially to blame. But she has manipulated you through out this whole thing.

What would happen if you just showed up and moved back home? Can you legally move home since she filed for divorce?

mgm, let me just give you an overview of our strategy. In order to save a marriage, we kill the affair. Although there are always other marital problems, the marriage cannot be saved until the affair is killed. This is the most effective way to save a marriage.

Now, how do we kill an affair? Affairs thrive on secrecy so the fastest and most effective way to kill one off is exposure. We expose the affairs wide and far. Exposure is ruinous. About 50% of affairs are killed right then and the others usually die a hastened death. No guarantees, but this is the absolute most potent weapon there is.

This is why we are telling you to get the goods. You have to know all the facts in order to address and kill it.

I will just tell you that most of us here who are in recovered marriages got there via exposure. We got the idea from clinical psychologist, Dr Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders. He has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics and here is what he has to say:

Exposure

He also describes your wife's suspicious objections to snooping:

So, is knowing that she sends 2500+ messages with this guy, when her next most frequent message partner gets 50 messages count as proof?

Do I need the actual texts? Her phone is not all that smart. There will be no phone spyware.

A LOT of people think spying on your spouse is disrespectful.


I am living at home right now. I was considering doing a hard no-contact.

No, that is not proof of an affair. It is only proof that she texts this guy ALOT.


Another thing you could do is put a tap on her landline and a voice activated recorder somewhere in her house.


Alot of people are silly. I don't care what silly people think.

'
You are in the house now?

mgm. A LOT of people also think secretly texting 2500+ msgs to another man is disrespectful. A LOT of people will also wonder why you didn't do anything about it.

And alot of people think it is disrespectful to have an affair and destroy your children's family in pursuit of that affair.

p.s. are those same people going to face your consequences when your marriage - that could have been saved - breaks up because you didn't snoop and bring the affair out in the open? Are those same people going to listen to your kids cry because their family is destroyed?

It's real easy to have an "opinion" when you don't have to pay the consequences. You and your kids have to pay the consequences, those a**holes don't.

Sending some guy 2,500 text messages is disrespectful.

You need to up your spying to the 007 level. Don't tell her anything.

Right now, she's planning on replacing you with her "friend." Do you want him as your kids' new dad? That's what they're planning. How's that for disrespectful?

I know you are just going to dismiss me on this - but I don't think there will be a realized affair that involves them moving in together.

He lives in NY and is not going anywhere. We live in Buffalo and are not going anywhere. We have a close circle of friends that would be shocked at their behavior. I don't think they'd do that to themselves.

What I'm saying is that this thing is mostly fantasy. It's super odd to me that they would communicate so much by text and not by phone or email. I'm not going to find a smoking gun.


If there were anything like a smoking gun on that phone, I'd never get it. She does not let it out of her sight. She is obviously concerned with what I might read on it. I think she actually took it in the shower earlier today.

The kids came in and she freaked out and said "GIVE MOMMY SOME PRIVACY!!!" and locked the door. We only have one bathroom in our house, so this is an odd thing to have done.


So, let's say they're sexting each other. I can't just ask? I have to have proof? I she going to be shamed somehow by my finding out that I get some control back in this marriage?


I need to fix my marriage. I'll have a friend follow her on Tuesday to see what happens. But I don't think there will be a smoking gun.

What do I do now to help fix things?

Your best thinking has not been very good through this whole thing, has it? It does involve her kicking you out, doesn't it? That fantasy is strong enough to destroy your marriage. Do I need to point out the obvious? You say he lives in NY. Do they have planes and trains and cars there? If so, it would be real easy to consummate the affair. I live in Texas and we have cars, boats, planes or trains in every town in our state.


More fog on your part. You don't know what they would do because you don't have the facts. Your wife most certainly can move to NY, and he most certainly can move into your house.


Of course you don't ask. She will say no and do a better job of hiding it. Why would you ask when you know she will say "there is no affair?"

Why make the same mistake over and over again? That is insane.



You snoop like a bloodhound. Get her texts from her phone, set up a tap on the land line, put a VAR in the room she would most likely speak to the OM. Slip a keylogger on her computer that will email you daily reports.

Then, come back here and we will give you next steps.

She did not kick you out because you were singing too loud in church. She kicked you out so she can replace you. I assure you there is a plan to do this. She didn't kick you out without having someone else lined up.

What do you think she's going to tell these people - most of whom are likely survivors of infidelty? Of COURSE she's going to rewrite your marital history and say your marriage was a mistake! (Don't let it be lost on you that it never appeared to be a mistake until now. ) She wants them as a support system and doesn't want them to realize that SHE is the reason your marriage is failing - SHE does not want them to know that she is with another man. And mgm, my friend, I can sadly assure you that she is. And you already know who he is:

That's your guy. Is he married? What's his story?

This is what needs to happen.

Maybe he - the owner of his relationships - would disagree with you. Maybe you don't know him as well as you think you do.

Because I think you are wrong. I've seen this movie before.

Big mistake, trying to apply reason to the acts of the wayward.

In our small community, my FWW had an A with someone over a decade younger than her and who reported into her at the office. Apart from losing her job in disgrace, it would have been a nightmare for her and our kids if it ever was made public.

That didn't stop her at all.

MGM,

My God, man, I don't even know where to start with you. Maybe this will help: I was EXACTLY like you. I too thought it was bad in some way to spy. I too thought it was bad for me to not do as my WXW desired. She told me things like, "we need some time apart to heal." I was so desperate to believe her that I obeyed like a good little boy and did as she asked.

I cowered, like you, over her anger.

But, unlike you, I still felt a massive urge to snoop for the truth. I used a keylogger, got her password to her myspace account and discovered the truth.

Here's the reality: She is having an emotional affair with this man. Yes, even though it isn't sexual (maybe), it is still an affair. In many ways, an emotional affair is just as damaging and even more dangerous than a physical one. She's hooked emotionally by this man.

I too came to this board for guidance. I too dismissed the advice I was given.

Want a plan? Start with growing some balls. I say that to shock you. Your wife will have ZERO respect for you so long as you remain a weepy and whiny man who will cower at her anger.

Want to save your marriage? Then don't move out of your house. Make it 100% clear to your wife that you will not talk about divorce. Read about Plan A. Start doing it. Be prepared to fight tooth and nail if necessary.

You must uncover this affair. 2500 texts to another man is a HUGE lack of respect to you.

Want to know how I ended up because I didn't listen? Divorced. I thought I knew better. I thought that the people on this board didn't understand how unique my situation was. I thought that MB wasn't going to work on my wife because she was unique.

No. She wasn't. Neither are you or your WW.

The reality is that you must uncover this affair, stay in your home, and grow a set of balls. Be calm and deal with her with James Bond coolness.

Erase from your mind these ideas that spying on your wife is wrong. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy is what you do when you don't want your spouse to find out about things they wouldn't approve of. Privacy is closing the door when you're going to the bathroom.

So stop telling us how we're wrong and listen!

An emotional affair is an affair. It is just as bad as a physical one, especially when it is a woman.

So you must very calmly return to your home. You must start being a good husband who is a beacon of light for your WW, and not an enabler.

Read up on other men's situations here. You'll find that the ones that are afraid, cower, fight the posters on this board do badly. Those that have a set of balls, listen, and do as told do well.

Ready to listen?