The next time he threatens a suicidal act, call 911 and alert the police. If he's serious, he needs help. If he's manipulating you with these threats, he will quickly learn that it won't work and will stop.

Your friends should know! You need all the support you can get right now!

He'll be back. Make sure you are firm in your requirements for allowing him to return to the marriage.

Good girl. now tell his friend what is going on so he can really help!

Yes. Call 911 if he threatens again and tell the friends what is going on.
Your backup needs the knowledge to help you deal with this.

H came home at 2 am last night. Said he wants counseling for anger management. Fully ready to do whatever to work on himself and our marriage. He is still denying the EA but fully admits the PA. We have talked calmly about our relationship this morning. He didn't gamble the money away as I thought he would, he bought a new laptop which we have been looking for. I have remained calm and finally feeling he is hitting bottom makes me think we can get through this. Will keep you all updated.

What are your requirements for allowing him to remain in the marrige, mama?

Still thinking on this...definitely seminars or IC for his rage, reading MB books, watch videos, full confession letter, std testing..contemplating polygrah...well that is a start.

Full transparency from him. Where he is at, with whom, his thoughts, etc.
(but you will need to snoop to see if he is keeping secrets from you)

Set aside funds for you in your name only so that you feel emotionally safe.

Coaching with Harleys (they are big on telling people how to stop angry outbursts)

I'd put the poly at the top of the list...it's very suspicious the OW happened to do all the FB changing around, I believe he is still in C with her.

You will spin your wheels in the most frustrating manner possible if he is still in C. Recovery is hopeless until he goes full NC.

Schedule the poly and then tell him when it is. That is your quickest route from A to B, you will avoid the trickle truth that we all got. The A was probably longer than you think as well and you might as well get the truth now.

Mama,

Please learn the carrot and stick of plan A. Implement BOTH now. And there must also be exposure of the affair to ow and if she is married too.

I agree w/Married Forever, in that w/all the FB status changes going on he IS in contact with ow and will simply take it further.

Always watch for irrational behaviors followed by sudden changes to what seems rational behavior. It is like when a drug addict gets a temporary "fix" of their drug. They seem to calm down a bit until they need the drug again. He may have seen her last night. How DO you even know where he was at all?

Absolutely, there is still contact, and this A needs to be exposed.

mama, has he always needed anger management? His anger may stem from his adultery - many waywards are in conflict during their waywardness, which results in anger.

If the problem of anger is coming on the heels of his adultery, I think you will find that the anger issues will end when he begins recovery.

yes he has always had anger issues, that is probably why A began, we cannot communicate issues well because of his anger, so we shut each other and the problems out rather than fixing them...

So I gave him the letter of requirements to stay in the marriage and he is not happy about them, and now says he has to think about whether he wants to stay or not. I know I am putting pressure on him, especially with the polygraph. I have already contacted to find out about the price and it is reasonable not too costly, but now I think WH is hesitant, I am fairly certain that he is not telling me the whole truth about the the affair and that it has been going on for much longer than i think as other have suggested. He is just like jekly and hyde than being said, one of my auhnts who has gone through something similar asked to meet with me tomorrow, guess ofr morel support, things like this spread like wildfire in my family and i dont' even care, the fault is not mine, i was pregant and then recovering from birth while he was out getting his kicks, it is goood that my family knows, though telling his friends could cost him is job

Ah I know he is lying I just want to be done with this. I am thinking he may have been sleeping with other women as well.

What gives you this feeling?

CV

1. His reaction about the polygraph. 2) I have proof he used secret cc to buy a membership to online dating site in 2009. 3) I found search history on his smartphone he searched words "dating, datehookup". 4) ws and ow's timeline does not coincide with when I found first condom wrapper. Probably more I am not thinking of atm.

That's why it's important for YOU to get a polygraph. Get all the truth out there and then you can decide if you would be able to recover with him.

WSs think that recovery is all up to them, but it's not. YOU are the one who gets to decide.

Whatever you do, don't lower your bar for recovery. You will set yourself up for a false recovery, and that is more damaging than the first betrayal.

still refusing poly. I am beyond mad now, wh parents have been planning a trip to visit for like a year and that is going to happen in a couple weeks. I cannot do this, I was suppose to be preparing for their visit the past few weeks, but instead have been dealing with WH bull****, and now I am suppose to play happy, good wife and put up with this crap. WH is like you can leave, I have no where to go and I am not leaving the kids so WTF am I suppose to do? We won't even be able to really work on our marriage while they are here and I am not one to keep secrets but WH may go ballistic if his parents find out by me. Can I just roll up into a ball and die??

What are the signs an A has gone underground? What are the signs it has ended? What are things I should be doing other than the exposure and poly, to ensure the A has completely stopped? I have been slowly exposing, it is hard, and I am so tired of talking and thinking about him with the OW, but I know this is not going away as easily as he wants it to.

I'm getting a little annoyed here -- are you following any of the advice you've been given?

You know, taking some ACTION will make you feel less like a victim. CV gave you the best plan of attack right here:



I don't think you have accomplished one single thing on this list yet, have you?

Here are a few more points of concern:
What is your source for this? How do you KNOW she has left the company? Did you call the company and ask for her? Or are you just trusting that your lying husband has told you the truth? Don't you think its possible that he LIED to you about this so that he could continue going to work everyday and continue his relationship with her, without you complaining or suspecting???




You need to understand more clearly about exposure. It is NOT to be done slowly. It is to be done IMMEDIATELY and QUICKLY. Because the longer you wait, the more time your WH has to spin his story. He knows your game plan and diffuses the exposure bomb. Because he has time to warn people about your crazy-story. Or he has time to tell his parents he's "unhappy". Or that YOU are crazy, and he's thinking about leaving. So then when you finally come around with your affair story, he already has their sympathy. Or they believe his version. Or they think its all in your mind. etc.


What are your requirements?
And what are YOU going to do if he doesn't meet them?

Start PLANNING hurtmama.

yes i have confirmed she no longer works for the company. I also have admission of the affair via text messages, though he does not want to write out the confession as i asked, here is my list, maybe you all won't agree with it but it is what i felt was reasonable. 1. std testing for him now, and 6 months, 1 year. 2. confession letter, 3. polygraph 4. no alcohol consumption in social settings unless i am present 5. must call me from work phone when being more than 20 minutes late 6. anger management program for him 7. no contact for life with Ow 8. Must tell friend or family member what he did 9. no female co-worker friends 10. read marriage builder books with me 11. spend 2 hours of UA with me each day...He is resisting the polygraph, the no drinking and the confession letter the most. He has stated he is not doing those things, though i haven't pressed him to see if he will go forword with the other steps or not. Honestly I know people are getting irritateed with me about this on this board, but I am doing the best I can and I have never done this before, so maybe i should stop posting here because I am not doing things right i GUESS.