I also want to make sure that I thank each and everyone of you for your support and words of encouragement....I truly do not know what I would do without this board....or what I would've done if I hadn't found this board.

You all have truly been a blessing to me in my time of marital crisis. You all were my little bit of sunshine in a world that was dark, cold and lonely.

Thank you and please continue to pray for me, my sanity, my marriage and my family

callalily, I found my birth father a few years ago. We did DNA testing to confirm his paternity and got the results back in a little over a week after the samples were sent in.

Can your H check with the lab that is conducting the test to see if he can get verbal results over the phone? They'll still send the document in the mail, but at least you may find out a little faster.

(((Calla)))

I could've written this post myself.


I cannot tell you the hours I spent flat on my face BEGGING God for OC not to be my H's. I truly feel like my M would still be intact IF this was only an A and there was no OC involved.

You see, my H wanted a baby MORE THAN ANYTHING so he, for all practical purposes, shoved me aside to be a father and play family with OW/OC and her two COMs. We moved 1600 away from the affair location, and by golly if he didn't move OW/OC/her COMs HERE TOO and in with him (he moved out in Feb.).

I am a Christian, but I will tell you this has shaken my faith to the core. God could've blinked his eyes and OC NOT been H's, returned H to our marriage, and we could've lived happily ever after.

But, he didn't. I am FINALLY OK with that. It has taken me a LONG LONG two years. But I finally can see the light and that I am better off without my POS H. I haven't shared much here about my sitch, but it's really been horrible. I've been gaslighted for the entire two years and didn't follow ANY of the MB "affair breakup" rules b/c I honestly believed POS, that it was a one night stand, yadda, yadda. Now, it's too late to R my marriage.

PLEASE know that IF OC is your H's (I will join you in prayer that OC is NOT), you will be OK. I hope the fact that your H has COM with you, will be a crucial factor in remaining NC with OW/OC. I NEVER EVER.....EVER... thought I would get to this point, but it's only by the grace of God that I have.

It is what it is. OC belongs to H. I will be D likely within 6-8 weeks. The sadness still lingers, but I am excited about new opportunities and things to come. I know that God brought this to me for a specific reason, and he WILL NOT leave me, let me falter, and WILL bring good from this. I pray every day that this sitch will not be in vain and that he will use it (me) for his glory and honor.

Like I said, I am just within the last 2-3 mos. to this point. It has been a long road, but I am on the up and up. You will be too, soon. One way or the other. I promise.

BTW, we had our DNA results back in less than 7 days.

Love ya, girl!!! Praying. Please post as soon as you get the results.

It's true that God could take this impending burden away from you and your M in the blink of an eye. This didn't happen in my case and I don't think easy fixes are how God works most of the time, because God isn't in the business of making life comfortable and painless. It's a characteristic of God that I have struggled with since I found out about my xw's affair and OC. I kept feeling so abandoned, like God left one of His children hanging out to dry when He could have easily intervened. After countless days spent in anger and resentment toward God (and bewilderment!), I am finally starting to turn the corner in my faith journey by asking one simple question, "what is God trying to accomplish through this circumstance?". If it's evil (as all adultery is) then God didn't cause it. However, if He is allowing it to persist and reek havoc in your life, it's for a refining purpose and, if you let the refining take place, you will be better for it in the end, much better.

Of course, this can sound like tidy spiritual cliches in the midst of the category 5 hurricane of emotions you're probably experiencing right now. The good news is that those emotions are fleeting. You may think you will always feel this way but, believe me, the emotions pass and you will have serenity again.

Another thought I'd like to leave you with is that I don't think God cares very much how we become Christlike. He just cares that we do. So, whether it be through an intact, happy, fulfilling marriage or through a broken relationship and family, the transformation of our hearts and minds is what really matters because only then can we experience true joy.

Bravo, J!

Well papers came in the mail and it is my husbands baby so much for prayer

Oh Calla.....I remember this day so vividly. It was almost worse than dday.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but please know there is a plan. I promise I prayed just as hard as you.....I still say I would not be d'ing if OC had've not been POS stxh's.

However, and for whatever reason, that didn't happen. But I am at peace now. I truly hope you guys will choose to continue NC and rebuild and heal your marriage.

What are the next steps? Remind me, is OW seeking CS?

Also, please send me a PM to the email addy in my profile. I want to share something with you.

I have been praying for you and will continue to do so.....my heart is literally breaking for you this morning.

Moderator's note: Pursuant to privacy policies, please make all requests for email addresses exchanges through the administrator.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Calla, pls email the mod for my addy.

Callalily, I am so very sorry hon. Please don't blame God for your husband's mistakes. We are here for you hon. If you need anything, my email addy is in my profile.

I am so sorry! We all remember the day the test came back positive. Now what? Where do you go from here? We are here, we have been traveling that road. Now it is time to protect your COM from OW. OW is after the money. Keep it legal, protect your COM, and continue on with the plan that you have been working on.

She reappeared, but it doesn't change anything. Money will be tighter, yes, Maintain NC. Let the attorney's have all the C.
((CL))

Fled

I literally could have died yesterday. My eyes are still puffy and I'm surprised what I wrote last night was readable because I could barely see through swollen, tear filled eyes.

Im still crying and hurt. I don't want to blame God but I have so much resentment towards him...he could've fixed it. I feel very forgotten. I understand what JtotheC meant but right now I'm not feeling the love from God.

H and I argued quite a bit last night. I know he's trying and wants our M to work and even though he says he has to live with the guilt of not seeing his son, and is perfectly fine with that because he did this to our family...Im still confused on if this is the best way. I don't want to rebuild our M and in 10,15,20 years this lil boy shows up and then what?

I have a really bad flaw of being a people pleaser and wanting to please everyone and I have a feeling that if I leave my H can be a father to all of his kids, we just won't have our M anymore. H disagrees. I just feel like I'm the adult so I can move on, but its not fair for the little boy. On the other note...

Even after all the hurt and pain that I'm enduring I still love my H dearly and I don't know what I would do with out him. It sucks to have fun and be in love again and then look at him knowing that he hurt me so bad.

I would love to email you guys so you can help me because I realize I need a lot of help and support right now. Im all alone it seems and I really feel that if I didn't have five children that I love to pieces, I could've really said goodbye to the world.

Not sure which admin to email for your email addresses....if you could, let me know.

Not sure what to do anymore.

Callalily, these thoughts and feelings are normal because we are MOM's but honey your WH is right...he cannot be a real father to your COM if he is out of the house. Do NOT sacrifice your COM and yourself for the sake of this child. So what if OC shows up years from now? If it helps you then keep a box or journal for the OC. Put birthday cards or notes in there. Journal your thoughts about the process.

You go back to working on your M to be a happy, romance filled MB marriage. Hug your COM extra tight tonight.

((((Callalily))))

You are on the toughest walk of your life. Bless you for your compassion for OC. But your first priority is to your own children. If OW would give up this child to be raised in a two parent family, that would be a woman looking after the best interests of the child. She's not going to do that. She is a family buster. She cares nothing for your children or hers. She cares only about her addiction to your husband. And that was what this was all for - to feed her addiction, no matter the cost to others, including her own child. Do not surrender your children to her addiction. Her child is lost because of his mother, not because of you.

Right now, my son's best friend lives in our home. His mother was an OW. Her boyfriend abused this boy as a toddler. She manipulated the legal system to claim it was the boy's father. She kept that father out of his life for 14 years. She's fed at the public trough for all of the resources, yet her son didn't get dental care, or medical care. The state stepped in and took him away from her three years ago. Now he's living with us.

It claws at my heart to know what this young man endured at the hands of the woman who should have protected him. He has found our home a place a refuge for himself - a place where he desires to be his best. I've known him for the last six years of his life and from the get-go I wanted him out of her clutches.

I don't know why I felt to share this with you. But God may have a bigger vision in mind for you than what your prayers have asked for.

This child will have to be without his father for these formative years. There's no way around it, given the mother he has. But your husband can write cards, set aside resources for his college and be prepared to welcome him when he is a separate and distinct entity who does not come with his mother as part of the relationship. That time will happen. It may happen sooner than you expect. You have already demonstrated that you have the capacity to love him and look after his best interests. Unfortunately his mother is a "destroyer of families".

Heavenly Father has a plan for this child. And He has a plan for you. Do not let this evil woman separate you from Him!

Callalilly,

We have all been where you find yourself right now. My COM are the reason I am still here. They are the reason that my M has recovered. They are the reason that we both fought hard to survive this and move forward. Unfortunately there is fallout. The OW is responsible for the fallout to the OC. Your five COM should NOT be sacrificed for the OC. Then you would have 6 children destroyed by the A instead of 1.

So the test is positive, now you need to focus on moving forward. I didn't step foot back into my church for five years. I blamed God. But God does not interfere with what we do. He gives us free choice. Your WH used free choice to have unprotected sex with OW. These are the consequences, not only for them and OC but for you, COM, and everyone that knows them.

Your COM need you and your H more than ever now, They need you to protect them from the OW and the legal system. They need to see you fight to survive and protect them. They need to see you rebuild your M (if you love him) and rebuild the love that united you in the first place.

If you need to go see your Dr. for antidepressants for a while, do it. We all need help of some kind as we walk this path. We are here and farther along it than you are. Keep in touch with us, you can survive this, and your dear COM need you to.

Calla, may I ask what your biggest fear is at this point? Is it fear of losing your H to OW? Or having to deal with a stepchild? Or the financial burden of cs? Or is it something else? While I know this is a very very dark time, if you can try to recognize your fears, you can work through them and God can strengthen you through this. Persevering through trials builds in us an ability to help others because we've tread the same path.

To put it into perspective, Jesus took the guilt of the world on His shoulders as he awaited death and the rejection of His Father so that we could be free of guilt and shame...so God understands your pain. He won't let you fall. But you need to communicate with God, give Him your tears and anger--He can deal with it. Then figure out what you're afraid of and work through it with baby steps.

If you're afraid of losing your M, you can work on rebuilding it. Date your H, learn how to love each other better, and look ahead, not behind you.

If you're afraid of OC being a reminder of the A, you can choose to not have a relationship with OC for now. Maybe someday you can explain to OC why it had to be this way. Leave that part to God.

If you're afraid of the financial burden, you can take legal steps to make it as little as possible. Besides, almost everyone has financial issues, so just work on your budget and cut corners where needed to maintain your home. Really, money doesn't equal happiness; a good marriage does! So focus on the M, not the money. Set an example for your COM on how to work through the tough financial times.

No matter what your fear is right now, you CAN work through it. You can become an amazingly strong woman who people will respect and turn to because they saw how you handled crisis and overcame it. You WILL be honored by God for your strength, Calla.

Please don't give up on yourself. You will get through this with your head held high, a hero to those who may need to hear your testimony someday.

callalily,,,

sorry to see that so much pain and hurt has come back into your life after so much progress.

i know there are so many things to consider that it makes Your head spin. But right now the Most Important One (mho)is to for you and your H to become united again and back on the same page

so i'd like to remind you of some of the very powerful statements You made in your posts. i have just taken part of your sentences b/c these were what i saw as the most powerful words

from your 1st post ---

"""""we were happy, and we were."""""

shows me that you were (and are) on your way to recovering and moving forward with a better mariage then before. that you have some of the hardest characteristics to find in yourself these days. Inner Strength, Forgiveness, Compassion, Caring Heart and Empathy

"""""H has been doing everything over and beyond what I need as far as support and making sure I understand that he loves me and wants this marriage to work more than anything."""""

tells me that your H is remorseful and willing to do and take the steps necessary for You to be able to heal from his lack of good judgement

then later you said ---

"""""I know he's trying and wants our M to work and even though he says he has to live with the guilt of not seeing his son, and is perfectly fine with that because he did this to our family"""""

again your H is willing to do whatever it takes to make Your M work. a strong statement that he is remorseful for his actions

"""""Even after all the hurt and pain that I'm enduring I still love my H dearly and I don't know what I would do with out him."""""

that You love your H for the characteristics that you both have

the ladies have already told you that we all tend to blame God for not "fixing" these horable events that come into our lives.

although it's hard for you to see right now i know you understand and know that He doesn't work that way.

if so we would not have just paid homage and honered those 3000 people who were taken from us at the World Trade Center. He would have just waved his hand and the planes would have missed there targets

Callalily,
Your friends here have written some powerful posts. My prayer is that they touch your heart. I don't have much to add outside of saying two things:

One - I know and feel, in a profound way, how you must be feeling right now. I remember crying out to God before I went to bed after finding out my xw was pregnant with an oc, that I wished he would take me from this life before the next morning. I couldn't concieve then or have experienced since, a deeper pain. It was unspeakable.

Two - for some unknown reason, more than a few people in this life have to reckon, in an aweful way, with the mystery that is our free will. It is a double edged sword of the first degree. As much as your husband has chosen, in the past, to love you and your family with seemingly great results, he can also choose to betray you all in the most devistating fashion. Without this two sided coin, however, we would never be able to appreciate the glory and joy of our good decisions. Callalily, there is true and lasting joy out there! You may never have experienced it before and you probably can't fathom it now but, the truth is, our free wills give us our only opportunity to taste it.

God may seem incredibly distant right now, and uncaring. You have every reason to be furious with Him and confused at His seeming lack of action to deliver you. But, let me reiterate something I said in a prior post, he is not some magician waiting to wave his wand and make everything ok, or even bearable. (Clearly, your situation is not bearable. It's excruciating. It's like being executed on the inside.) He is our friend and companion on our journey towards holiness, ready and willing to cooperate with us in creating love. And love is essential because without it and the joy that comes from it, life is not worth living. It's ultimately meaningless.

Callalily, it seems like the ball is in your court. You can get a D or choose to reconcile with you H (provided your H doesn't have contact with oc or ow and is committed to working mb priciples in your marriage). Niether course of action is morally wrong so you should not feel guilty either way. There is probably one course, however, that will create more love and joy than the other. That is the course only you can know and choose. My sense is that this choice is the miracle you have been praying for. It just doesn't involve God only. He is calling you to be His co-creator of that miracle.