As to a 'no contact' letter;

If this is really a tape from 20 years ago, and someone is so sick and mean and out for some kind of revenge to send this to you, I do not think you should honor him with the classic letter.

I say this, because this creap WANTS the two of you to have problems together. Do by all means not let him know he succeeded (if this is really something from the distant past). I do agree that snooping is a good idea, as well as confronting your wife and maybe a lie detector test. Who knows, maybe he has really tried to blackmail her. And make sure that the date on the tape is correct (hairstyle and such) you can put any date on a tape.

This must hurt terribly, because for you it just happened five months ago and your whole life is upside down.
Not telling your wife this will not work for you, you already found that out. Please confront her and go from there.

God bless you

Happyheart

Caught, you HAVE to confront, because you have no way of knowing if this was an isolated affair 20 years ago, or if it is a long-term thing. You have ONE tape, how do you know that there aren't many more? The same thing can be said about the OM, how do you know that there aren't others? I mean, that she has kept this incident secret for 20 years, so she is very capable of deceiving you, long term.

I would not tell her "a tape", in fact I wouldnt even say "a video"... I would just say "video footage"... I would not give her any indication of how much evidence was mailed to you...

I would hand her a copy of the tape and ask her for answers.... don't tip your hand as to how much evidence you have. for all you know, this guy could have more of them.

Is there a tracking number? How do you think he got your work address? would you know the guy if you saw a picture of him?

I'm wondering if OM's wife sent that tape to get back at WW by hurting Caughtoffguard? I would think she would be more likely to expose the A than OM. OM would have more to lose.

Not that it matters much...but in the video was it apparent that the GUY knew there was a video camera recording the event. My guess is that is how you knew that SHE didn't know, since he was acting out for the camera audience when she wasn't aware.

If he didn't seem to know either...then perhaps the tape is a result of his spouse snooping on him because she was suspicious he was cheating on her and she just sat on the tape for all these years until her conscience got the best of her (or her vindictiveness at wanting your wife to incur some consequences for her behavior).

My inclination now is that an OM would never send these tape(s) with a note saying "enjoy". It was most likely a scorned woman with a vendetta against your wife that sent them. That OM in the video would not risk his life and limb like that. He wouldn't put his face ON VIDEOTAPE out there in this era of the internet. OM's are cockroaches that scurry from the light of day. OM's fear the wrath of betrayed husbands. They don't expose themselves (except through repentance which then would have included an apology not a note saying "enjoy").

Anyway...what do you think of the confrontation plan. I know it might seem over the top but you've seriously only got ONE SHOT to getting this truth. Your wife may fess up...quite honestly to EVERYTHING right there and then. I hope she does. Some do and feel a great relief now that the biggest single lie they have ever told in their life is off their shoulder. However, if this isn't a single HUGE lie but years and years of a tangled web of OM's and sexual misbehavior...she won't fess up over just one little tape and confrontation. The web of lies is just too big for her to even attempt to come clean. You've got to overwhelm her by instantly making her THINK you know it all...then she'll just spill it all right then.

Mr. W

....MaritalBliss...

Something just feels off... Theres no way ..I could sit on something like this for 5 months.

I would have gone crazy, suicidal or homicidal..

If he's read any of the material here... he'd know to not even ask about sweeping this under the rug.. This site is for a plan of action not inaction. Nowhere does Dr. H recommend avoiding conflict even for the sake of kids.

The sensationalism of it also gets me.. I remember one poster who caught his wife in the act and kept us all on the edge of our seats with his blow by blow daily updates.. only for the Mods to out his multiple logins...

IIRC ... it was some coaching lady with one of her athletic students... and it was sensational ... but after rooting and cheering the poster on .. man was i forever made a cynic when stories of this nature show up..

Someone had to say it first.

You know something else? A very similar topic was in a letter to Dear Abby the other day...I'm just sayin'...

You still around, caughtoffguard?

Sitting on this for 5 months is crazy.

It's time to let it out of the bag. I also have a feeling that this is the OMW or OMG. I don't think the OM would send this.

I like the confrontation ideas offered.

You have to do this. You have to find out the truth and need to siter her down and get the truth once and for all.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

RMX and MB,

Careful! Your baseline cynicism level is approaching mine!

Again thanks for all the suggestions and advice. Sorry, if I don't answer quickly enough, I can only get to my computer certain times of the day due to my work, I guess I'm not real good at this.

I can't tell you why I've waited 5 months, when I came to this site I was just searching for some answers. I apologize to those who doubt my sincerity, no I haven't read all the material that is on this site. I got on here and saw this discussion board and thought I might get some suggestions. I have.

I didn't ask for this, I don't know the reasons and whys that would motivate someone to send the tape to me, all I know is they did. All I wanted to do was get this off my chest. Perhaps I should have read the material on the site before I got on the discussion board. I will.

Sorry!

Oh, good, caught - you ARE still here! You can understand that we get the occasional drive-by poster who will post something and then cruise off, leaving us helping...no one.

Now that you've done that, have you thought about how you want to approach this with your wife? Or that you're not going to approach her at all? What are your thoughts on what you'll do next?

I think it's great that you're going to read the articles on this site, because they are priceless. One thing that you'll see consistently is the importance of being completely honest in your marriage. I would suggest that you are currently being dishonest by omission. Your wife knows there's something bothering you, and it's affecting your marriage.

I also think that you'll have a better idea of who sent the video and why after you talk to her. If you decide that's what you're going to do.

Well ... he needs to confront her, I fear he has done a lot of injury to himself at the expense of trying to protect others.

On another note I think he needs to start digging around and make sure he has his surveillance in place like others have suggested before he confronts.

Caught, you haven't done anything wrong and don't owe any apologies. I'm hoping we can help you deal with this tragic revelation and get to a point where you're not holding it in where it affects you and your marriage.

caught, don't run off because some got suspicious of your situation. Fake posters come on here sometimes.

My gut tells me that this video came from the wife or girlfriend of the OM and it's her way of exposing to you. Either that or you're dealing with one sick and twisted man.

But you NEED to confront your wife for your own sanity.

Caught,

If you don't talk with her about this you might as well file for divorce right now. This will eat you up and destroy the love you have for your W.

Have you read Harley's concept of the "love bank"? If not you should. What you are doing right now is withdrawing deposits from your own love bank and when it is empty the chances of saving your marriage are greatly reduced.

Please consider telling her what you know, it will take the two of you to restore this marriage. Meanwhile, do what has been suggested. Gather intel on your W's emails, phone, etc. If the affair has been ongoing, you need to know.

My guess is that OM's W found the tape and is seeking revenge, or OM and your W split up recently and he is getting HIS revenge. You need to know as much as you can but you cannot delay talking with your W about this without it ruining your marriage.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

Caught,

If your not posting because of what I said, I apologize, but sometimes i post something and I don't consider how my words affect other people.

Please listen to JL and HTLD and the other posters!

The reason I asked when the tape was made is because my first thought was why now, what has changed recently? I was wondering if this is a long term affair that just recently ended. If his wife ended the affair just recently then the tape could have been sent by the OM hoping to break up Caught's marriage. But if the affair wasn't recent then perhaps the OM's wife just discovered the tape.

And before anyone gets on me about the possibility of a 20 year affair, why not? Affairs can last a very long time.

COG,

Can you give us a status update?