what good does it do me to know for sure. The only thing I care about is getting her back. If she comes back to me then I don't care if I ever know. I know I can make her happy and I know I cm be happy with her. All I need is her love and I know I can get it back

Erupt,

The reason you need the truth is not for this week, or for this month, but so that you can look upon her with respect 1, 5 and 10 years from now.

God Bless
Gamma

Can you tell me where your backbone and man parts are in the above quote? Yes it is tough to lose the one we love. Unless you toughen the HE!! up you are going to lose her. I can see the sissiness in you.

CALL UP THE OMW AND EXPOSE THIS TONIGHT. You want your wife back? Then kill this affair and you both can go into eternity together.

EA's cause the same devastation, destruction, and obliteration as a PA. If you want to believe it isn't that bad. Then step a side and she will be "EFFING" him by Christmas.

Keep reading this sight and you will see almost 100% pattern of the EA leading to the PA. Only when an EA is EXPOSED early will it likely prevent a PA.

Unless this EA is taken as serious as a PA, you are likely looking at a more entrenched addiction to your wife.

Here are two quotes that explain affairs in a nutshell and it is proven in almost 100% of all cases of infidelity.



At this rate she will divorce you and head straight into HE!!

You DON'T want to know for sure? You DON'T want a marriage based on complete honesty and openness?? You want a quick fix, erut. It doesn't work that way.

Is that what you truly want - for her to just come home, and you two just go along like nothing ever happened? With no conversation, no honesty, just...life as usual? Really?

Something was deficient in your marriage. That's why she strayed. That boil has to be excised before you can hope to recover and affair-proof your marriage. There is really no shortcut to accomplishing that. You need to understand that.

The OM's wife needs to know. Their employer needs to know. I know you're going to say "But she's leaving the job! She put in her two week notice!" Uh-huh. I'll believe that when she is out of there permanently. My gut tells me that she is going to figure out a way to stay there. She just hasn't told you yet. She's being 'diligent' in not talking to him? How do you know this? Are you on the job with her? NO, YOU'RE NOT.

So, so far you've done nothing. And your wayward (remember, waywards LIE. IT'S WHAT THEY DO.) has 'put in her notice.'

You're really throwing a lot of trust at a woman who has demonstrated that she is worth zero trust, erut. Do you really think that's a good plan?

She did lie. She didnt tell you she was having an affair,which is a very serious lie. Understand affairs are addictions. She is getting sight of her addiction every day at work. It is highly possible that she is lying about the extent of her involvement a) to keep you and b) to continue geting her fix as long as she can.

You found out about this a month ago and she has only now put in her notice... She doesnt want to give up her access to him even though she knows she should, so she dragged her feet.

and 'thinking' isnt knowing.

For how long? The above approach will give you about a week.

If you only want to know about her best side and never really connect with her mistakes - you will never know her, or have her.

Anybody can develop a crush on someone else, however deeply in love with their spouse, if their boundaries are a little weak.

I did, in my first year of marriage before I knew the ropes. Know what I did next? I went home and told my husband about it, then I fixed my boundaries. It never developed into an EA.

You and your wife are both entirely too comfortable with dishonesty. She LIED to you. And yet you still don't demand the truth from her.

You dont even seem mad that she did not confide in you about these feelings she unwisely allowed to develop. She could have. You clearly could have helped her. But that would have interfered with getting her fix.

It still would.

If she knows you expect to be told the full truth at all times - aand for her to be accountable and prove it - perhaps she will do it!

Ok I guess I should reword my answer.

I get why honesty is important. I have told her that without honesty that this isn't going to work. And I can check on her all day long and figure out if she's being honest. It wouldn't be hard.

I guess I just dont understand why I would need to beat the truth out of her. If she won't come forward and admit her lies then this isn't going to work out in the long run either. Maybe that isn't good enough for a lot of you, but I have my ways of finding the truth. I know I could force it all out of her if I pushed her, but I would lose her by doing that. The best moments we've had have always been when she comes to me on her own. I'm not looking for a quick fix here. I can handle my emotions, I can handle everything that's gone on, I can even handle living without her. I don't want that though and I know she will come back to me if I let her. I can give her everything she needs, she knows that, I am a hell of a catch as far as husbands go. If that can't stand on its own merits then this won't work. Which is why I guess I just don't understand why I need to force her to tell the truth. I can find out if she continues to lie. I can't win her back if I push her away.

Maybe I'm being naive, but maybe I just want to believe that we can work and that there's a possibility I can make it happen just by being everything she needs. I guess I may have to learn the hard way.

A) You are being painfully naive.
B) Good luck with your strategy. It's going to fail.

Who said "beat the truth out of her"? No one. What is said is that you need to KNOW the truth.

Dude, you're at the brink of making a huge mistake if you want to save you marriage. You are AT make or break. Learn the hard way? Why on earth would you choose that versus doing everything you can to save your M?

I guess you might. Because it's obvious that everything we've said to you is too unpleasant for you to comprehend having to deal with. Is there anything else we can do for you?

Good luck.

"I know I could force it all out of her if I pushed her, but I would lose her by doing that. The best moments we've had have always been when she comes to me on her own."

With WHAT? What does a wife "need to come to her H with on her own"? What does that mean? If she drinks koolaid and lies about it, you wait for her to tell you even though she's got a koolaid smile?

How has this worked so far? I'll tell you when she'll come to you "on her own". When she asks you to move out, divorce, and that she's done. Ready for that "best moment"?

So, you fear losing your WW if you ask her...no..demand the truth in your M??? What on earth would you be losing? You prefer a huge lie versus truth?

Eru,

Your fear is going to end your M. You are handing your WW reasons to leave you and justify that decision on a silver platter.

How is forcing a polygraph on her going to save our M? She isn't the kind of woman you can just force things on. She holds a grudge like no one's business. Not all situations are exactly the same. I know I can handle the emotional blows at this point. And I know I can tell if she cuts off contact with him. That part will be easy. If she can't cut off contact then I know its over. If she does then what does the rest matter? I'll have her back at that point. This isn't about her and the OM. The OM isn't a threat imo. If she leaves me for him, then that's her loss. I can handle it. I want her to realize that I'm what she needs and what she wants. If that means being supportive when others might feel I should be assertive then so be it.


I've already told her I have an exit strategy for this relationship. I do plan on following many of the steps on this site. However, I don't think everything has a cookie-cutter strategy. I won't accept her having any further contact with the OM, but I won't force her to be anything other than herself throughout the process. She'll either get over him and come back to me, or she'll continue to be unhappy and we'll divorce. I've come to grips with this.

I guess I was just hoping someone here would have some words of encouragement... Maybe not. I'm an eternal optimist. I always have been. I'm also a realist and don't expect her to be anything but human. She's allowed to err, I forgive her for that. What matters is the path going forward. What matters is how she recovers. I have faith that she isn't the woman she has been for the past few months. She will either prove me wrong or prove me right.... We'll see.

Thanks for the tough love though. It has given me a lot to think on. I assure you I am taking it all to heart, despite my defensiveness.

At no point have I given her any reason to think that lying is ok. Like I said, I am being assertive at this point.

I know many of you will not believe the fact that she has told me everything, but I do and that is enough for me. I'll update you all in the coming months and you can all tell me I told you so at that point.

I'm not setting out here to make a statement or prove you guys wrong. I have my own way of handling situations and I have faith that things will work out for the best. She has told me how much she misses this guy, she has told me the extent of their feelings for each other, and she has told me the extent of their physical intimacy (they kissed once, not long before I found out about everything). I just figured that would be enough.


Once again, don't think that I am not taking all the advice here to heart. It is just a lot to try and take in all at once. I appreciate all the help you guys are trying to give.

I guess I just dont understand why I would need....the truth out of her.

You and I share several situational details - WW involved with co-worker; EA only - so let me answer your question.

1 - You need the information because unless you have the imagination potential of a stone, the questions to which you don't have answers will NEVER let you rest. They will gnaw at you until, like rats on a blood-soaked ship's hawser, they detach you from the secure berth you need to manage your life.

2 - You need the information from her so you can architect a plan to supply to your WW those ENs she was sourcing from POSOM.

Seriously, this stuff is not that hard to accomplish, IF you're interested in WORKING at it.

YES________ NO_________

Check one answer and we'll see where we go from here!

So what? If she wants to save her marriage, she'll be on this like white on rice!
I'd like to make a public announcement on this forum at this time: I think every poster here should get a nickel every time this sentence is used. erut, your situation is as common as dirt. Stick around and read a few threads - you'll get an eye-opener.
How do you plan to do this?
YES! It's critical! Do you really want to go back to your pre-affair days, when she wasn't communicating her needs to you and you were blissfully ignorant of that? That is a crippled marriage, my friend. Remain in it at your own peril. I want a nickel for this one, too! Encouragement for what, exactly? What were you looking for? This website is accessed by many thousands of people every month, and they all see the same thing - we will give you tools to rebuild your marriage after an affair and make your marriage great. BUT YOU HAVE TO PICK UP THE TOOLS! What else were you looking for? Because that's what we do - give you tools to rebuild after an affair and make your marriage great.

We don't get paid to do this. We are peers of yours. In the time I've been posting to you I've baked a quiche and helped my DS with his homework. We're people like you. We have adultery in common. The thing we have on you is that we've come out on the other side - the recovery side. We are legion, erut, and we're all saying the same thing. You would do well to listen to your 'elders'.

I'm pretty comfortable that she's told me the truth on this one. She's said some pretty hurtful stuff to me over the last month. Stuff that probably should have really taken me down. I feel like if they had had sex or done anything to that extent, at this point it wouldn't be the most hurtful thing she had told me. Just doesn't make sense that she would have held that information back from me at this point with all the other things she has told me.

I can tell if she's cut off contact with him because I haven't told her how I've figured out the ways they've talked in the past. I know how she tries to contact him. He doesn't have a cell phone so that's convenient (I've confirmed this). I know his email addresses and I have access to all of her email accounts. I have full access to her PC. I have full access to her phone. There is very little that she could get away with w/out my knowledge. Everything she has told me since I've discovered the affair I've been able to confirm with some form of evidence. Maybe I am missing something, but what else do I need to know?

"She will either prove me wrong or prove me right.... We'll see."

And vice versa, Eru. You are going to prove her right with this plan.

Does the below sound like something you'd say?:

"I know many of you will not believe the fact that she has told me everything, but I do and that is enough for me. I'll update you all in the coming months and you can all tell me I told you so at that point.

I'm not setting out here to make a statement or prove you guys wrong. I have my own way of handling situations and I have faith that things will work out for the best. She has told me how much she misses herion, she has told me the extent of her using herion, and she has told me details (she snorted once), and only shot-up once not long before I found out about everything. I just figured that would be enough."

I'm sad that you'll passively let this go so easily.

Good luck.

Erut,

My, I don't even know where to start.

You need to understand that those of us on these boards have been on here a looooooong time. We've seen every kind of BH come here. Almost every single one who resists the advice given to him says that "not all situations are the same" and that "there can't be a cookie cutter approach" to ending the affair and saving the marriage.

Here's reality for you:

Her affair isn't just emotional. It's physical by her own admisstion.

Now, most WW will trickle truth the BH. "We just had drinks", turns into, "Ok, we held hands", turns into, "we kissed once", to eventually, "we went to hotels on our lunch breaks, screwed in our bed while you were at work, and went off to parking lots regularly."

That's reality.

If she has passionate feelings for him, then it wasn't just a kiss. What I see here is a woman that is very good at gaslighting you.

You're not going to listen to the advice here, but there are specific things you need to do to end this affair and save your marriage.

1. In my opinion, you haven't been married long. You have no children. Cut your losses and divorce. Yes, you've been together 10 years. Doesn't matter. She betrayed you not even a year into your marriage. I've been married to my wife for one year and I would drop her like a hot potato if I found out she cheated. The idea of it is completely alien to me since we're both very happy with each other and are well into our honeymoon years.

2. Since D is not your first choice, then your next option is to attack this affair. You do this by exposing the affair to the OMW. Yes, she's pregnant. Yes, it will hurt. However, she has a right to know that her husband has been unfaithful and has been screwing your wife (you don't believe so, but I'll bet a years salary on it).

3. Exposure will allow you to compare notes with OMW. It will also make the affairees accountable.

4. Plan A. Read about it.

5. Your wife will not want you to do these things. You will not want to do these things. Not doing these things will lead you to future heartbreak and likely end up in divorce.

6. Again, cut your losses before you have kids. Being cheated on and dealing with little ones on top of it is absolute he77.

You want encouraging words? You can save your marriage if you are proactive, listen to the advice given, and follow the MB principles to rebuild in the aftermath.

That's about as encouraging as we can be as long as you don't expose.

Exposure is key to saving your marriage and ending the affair.

BTW, WW'es go underground when they're in affairs. They setup new email accounts, get secret phones, etc.

So wake up, my friend, and face the reality. She's probably had sex with him several times.

At our age, 2 months of flirting with someone and hot exchanges via email rarely lead to "just a kiss."

No, she's cut off contact with him when she and you send the NC letter.

You said "I know how she tries to contact him."

No contact means your WW and you block each and every way thay she can contact him and he her.

She's not onboard with NC and exactly what that means, correct?

Like I said, it's impossible to start NC until she leaves her job, just because they are forced in the same room everyday, but they don't get time alone due to their work schedules.

She is on board with NC as far as I know, and I think she is planning on doing the NC letter next week before she leaves the job. It's pretty much out of both of our hands until that point, but I know their contact has been minimal as of recent.