I am a corner cutter by nature so it is my natural inclination to find an easier, softer way to do most things. I figure that with most programs, if you cut out the fluff, you will find a much more efficient way to do something. With many things I am successful.
Not so with this program. I have tried and failed. So have many others. To their peril.
A big reason cutting corners does not work with this program is because Dr Harley has already done that. Since the corners have already been cut, further corner cutting only results in a watered down, impotent program. If you read his writings, you will quickly see that there is no fluff there. There is a straight line from start to finish. He is an engineer who is only interested in results. Measurable, quantifiable results. No psychobabble or wasted efforts.
Dr Harley left out the fluff and focused only on those activities that produced results. And he didn�t hope there were good results, he tested his efficacy all the way to the end result, which was a test that actually MEASURES the romantic love each spouse feels for each other.
So when you see members here who are so adamant that a step not be skipped, it is not because we are hard-asses or zealots, but because we know what works and doesn�t work. The longer a member is here, and the more familiar they are with the program, the more strict they will be. It is because they know cutting corners does not work.
The program simply does not work when corners are cut. It is not cafeteria plan where one picks and chooses. It has to be worked in its entirety to produce results. For example, it doesn�t make much sense to spend 20 hours a week together if you are going to ruin it with lovebusters. It makes no sense to use the POJA when you aren�t practicing radical honesty. See, everything works TOGETHER. One concept affects the other to produce a complete result.
When a couple in a crippled marriage puts forth a half baked effort that reaps no results, they quickly become discouraged and stop trying altogether. That is a disaster for the marriage. This is why it is so important to do it right or don�t do it at all. Doing it halfway often causes more problems than if the couple did nothing. Most marriages that show up here contain one reluctant spouse, so the hopeful spouse has ONE SHOT to make it work. When those half baked efforts produce nothing, there is often no second chance and all those efforts are wasted. The reluctant spouse now has grounds to the claim that �marriage programs are a waste of time" and wont' try again.
And I will give you a couple of examples of corners that when cut, make all the difference between success and failure.
NO CONTACT WITH AFFAIR PARTNER AFTER AN AFFAIRThe plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
How many times have we seen well meaning betrayed spouses ignore the no contact rule after an affair? Usually it is a situation where the affairees still work together and the BS does not want to rock the career boat. The BS learns the hard way eventually that the affair never ended and/or the WS stays so fogged out from occasional contact that recovery is rendered impossible.
THE CRITICAL IMPORTANCE OF UNDIVIDED ATTENTION TIME TO RESTORE ROMANTIC LOVEfrom
Effective Marriage Counseling:
"When I see a couple for the first time, I let them know that my program will require a minimum of fifteen hours a week of their time. If they can't dedicate that much time while I'm counseling them, I suggest they find another counselor because my plan won't work without it."
This is one of the biggest misses that couples make here. This program does not work without this step. No, 8 hours does not work, 10 hours does not work. It takes 15 hours of UA time per week to maintain romantic love and 20+ hours to create. It does not mean time you spend with your kids or watching TV. The time is most effective spent away from home in an environment that does not invite distractions in 2-4 hour blocks, meeting the top 4 INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS of affection, conversation, rec companionship, sexual fulfillment.
Once again, I found out the hard way that you cannot cut your hours and stay in love. A couple of years ago, my H and I slacked on this and were down to 6-8ish hours per week. We noticed the romantic love in our marriage going down fast.
Those are some of the top ways where corner cutting causes disaster. Please take it from a graduate of the School of Hard Knocks, and don't cut corners if you want to have what this program offers. It is not easy at first to implement new behaviors, but once learned, they become second nature.
And it is much, much easier to have a great marriage than a bad one!
