I want to warn you against doing a partial, or "trickle" exposure. That will be a disaster and I will explain why. Trickle exposures [which means to just do a couple of people here and there or to space them out] is not enough to kill the affair but just enough to piss off your WH enough to come after you.

And you will have completely squandered the surprise effect and will give the affairees a chance to pre-empt any future exposure attempts. Giving them a heads up gives them an opportunity to spread around a story about what nut you are, so that no one believes you. It is like giving your enemy your battle plan.

If you are interested in saving your marriage, do this right, Gino, and do it big. If you are going to piss off your husband, make sure it is effective and worthwhile.

Welcome to MB, gs.

I always pay attention to affairs that involve work-based travel, as that was the dynamic of my H's 3.5-year PA. OW actually lives in another country (I live in the UK), but that distance only facilitated the affair. H and OW were able to spend nights together without my ever knowing that he was with another woman.

I'm sorry to say that I have never come across a situation in which there was travel, which wasn't a PA. In order to spare yourself much pain later on, I advise you to KNOW NOW, regardless of anything your H says, that this is a PA. There is no reason for it not to be, since they were together away from the eyes of their spouses.

And face it: your H wanted sex, as my H and all WHs want. It's quite possible that OW wanted romance first and foremost, but sex was the price she paid to receive that, and romantic words (what you call the EA) were what he gave to receive sex.

Lastly: don't believe that she wasn't on his last two trips unless you have proof that she slept in her husband's bed those nights. If you only have your H's solemn promise then I'm sorry, but he is probably lying.

He does not want to leave you, and that is why he is minimising the details; so that you don't throw him out. Married men do not often give up the marriage for the bit on the side. OW, on the other hand, is probably done with her marriage and she wants to be married to your H. As MelodyLane has advised, she might well play the pregnancy card to force him to make a choice. Act before that happens.

Planning is important so you can expose in a fell swoop. Mel has provided you with a step by step guide that is easy to follow.

If you get OWs facebook contacts first, then make a list of all your exposure targets second, you will be in good shape to expose quickly and efficiently - all in one day remember.

NO WARNING. Do not even hint to your wh you are thinking about doing this.

Beforehand it feels daunting, ( I was soo scared!!!) but afterwards, it feels AMAZING. People are surprisingly understanding and supportive - that is what you need.

Is there anything else about exposure you are unsure of or need to ask about? Most of here have done it, so ask away....

[quote=SugarCane As MelodyLane has advised, she might well play the pregnancy card to force him to make a choice. Act before that happens.[/quote]

Yes, it will be pretty difficult for her to do that when the eyes of the world are on them. It will also be really difficult for her to introduce her 'new boyfriend' to people in her life after her divorce, once people know she broke up his marriage.

She is fantasising about doing these things right now. She wont let him go. Exposure has a way of popping these sick fantasies like a pin, with a helium balloon.

The OW in my sitch was so embarrassed by exposure that she went door to door denying she would ever go near my h. Before that happened they had a plan to 'be together' publicly one day.

What are your questions? How can we help you? GinoSusan, please don't make the FATAL mistake of thinking your H can continue to work with OW. THAT DOES NOT WORK. Do you want to remain married?

A cheater will admit to ONLY what you can prove... no more.


He is gaslighting you. Ask me how I know this.

I just wanted to remind you that even when he agrees with you, and says exactly what he you want to hear, ultimately he just gets sucked back in.

There needs to be an ocean of distance put between him and the source of his addiction. And people need to know about it so he isnt left alone with the whisky bottle, telling himslef that he'll give up tomorrow and that theres no harm in it.

That would be misplaced anger. He has only himself to be angry with. The reasons he'd be angry are (1) exposure would put obstacles between him & his affair-fix; and (2) exposure would have the side-effect of embarrasing him as a result of his own conduct. If he ends his affair, then he'll have nothing further to be embarrassed about.

Susan, I'm speaking to you as a man who got into an affair. It started out as an emotional affair with an acquaintance from my church, whom I spent time with at music rehearsals. It started with us getting together to practice songs for some duets that she'd asked me to sing, but our conversations moved on, and we spent more and more time with one another. You'd better believe we both lied to and actively deceived our spouses about the extent of our involvement -- the more so, the deeper it got.

Your marriage can survive his temporary anger. It cannot survive his ongoing affair.

Don't ever make the mistake of considering an emotional affair (if this is still "only" an emotional affair, about which I would have some question) as being any less serious than a physical affair. They're sides of the same coin. Your instincts are correct: If left unchecked, this inappropriate relationship that already exists will almost undoubtedly lead to a physical affair.

Several weeks into my affair, when it was still "only" emotional, I made a halfhearted attempt to break it off. I realized where it could be headed & I knew that that was wrong, and I knew that my wife had misgivings about how much time OW & I were spending together. But the problem was, I failed to cease contact. I continued to see the OW at music rehearsals, and at church, and I resumed taking her phone calls, so I continued to speak with an e-mail her. And my wife didn't insist upon no-contact, because I'd lied & assured her (a) that nothing untoward was happening (which wasn't true) and that I would dial back contact to "just business/just friendly acquaintance-level" (words which I intended briefly but soon went back upon, as it turned out).

So: You must hold his feet to the fire on no-contact. None whatsoever. That is going to require some major changes. But there is no alternative. From the level of interaction that you've described (running together? For God's sake!), he is at least on the knife-edge of tumbling much deeper into his affair, and you need to act resolutely to separate him from his affair-partner to give him time, and give your marriage breathing-space, for him to get over his infatuation, his addiction to her constant attention.

Please read "Surviving An Affair." It should give you some important insight into the wayward mindset & how to combat it.

Sorry you've had cause to make your way here, but hang in there. There are things you can do to kill an affair & possibly save your marriage.

Susan: indiegirl's comment is highly worth re-reading for emphasis.

In keeping with my own story, a snapshot of which I just posted for you above, it isn't enough for him to admit & agree at times that he's been on the wrong track vis-a-vis this other woman. As you can see, his proposed "solutions" & remedial steps all involve keeping the other woman in his life on a regular basis! ***Ding-ding-ding!*** That is him craving his fix regardless of whether it's at times consciously, or at times subconsciously. You've got to separate him from her & they must have no contact, or the addiction just gets fed. I know. Been there. Wish to God I hadn't, but that's the way it works. There isn't any other way.

Please read my thread! Never in a billion years did I think my husband would cheat, what I assumed was an emotional affair caught early (one month in!) quickly turned into a physical affair. I exposed the EA, but it had already been physical at that point. Please do some digging as it is most likely physical, EA+opportunity equals PA! Expose expose expose and I would call it an affair, not an emotional affair in your letter. Had I more info./intel when I exposed I believe it would have been much more effective. (friends and family were skeptical that an EA was damaging)

Hey GS, i hope you are still around.

We all understand how daunting exposure seems to newbies - but then you do it and it feels great!

As I said before, if you have any specific qs about it, just ask.