In my opinion, it's not necessarily wrong, but how would you know she actually told him?

The OW in my situation actually called me, threatening me with a lawsuit if I told her husband. (I just laughed at her.) Oh, and my H had told me previously that I would be responsible for a murder/suicide if OWH found out. It wasn't true.

I never did talk to the OWH because I did not have his contact information. I did, however, contact his siblings and his brother and SIL called me. They assured me they would speak to him about everything.

Never trust that the OW will be honest with you. Doesn't mean you can't have a conversation with her if you so choose, but don't expect anything but justification and lies to come from her. It did me a world of good to say my peace, I'll say that much! I didn't go looking for it - she called me - but she knew I was not someone to take likely when we were finished.

Thanks Sunny, I guess I just want to say my peace even if she doesn't tell him...she can worry if I will or not. Especially if she thinks I have the nude pics she sent my H. At this point I'm just a little exhausted and if my pastor said he didn't think I should, then I probably wouldn't. Same thing I guess, H and pastor think there will be a murder/suicide. I don't. But as you probably know, I have my ups and downs and may change my mind, just to know that he would be aware of her behavior and keep her there.

I am not suggesting this at all, but I knew a lady that took the pics he found of OW an with some minor editing posted them all over the net.

On a more real note... If it will settle you, say your peace. Just make sure that it doesn't become a habit of blasting every time you get mad at OW. Say it and drop her like a hot potato.

CV

Yeah, I figure if she reads his confession email to me, she will realize if she does leave her H that my H has already thrown her under the bus and won't consider trying to come back to him. I realize it could play out a number of ways, but as you said I want to have my say and drop it like a hot potato. I'm not interested in going back and forth. Just want her to realize the damage they caused with their stupidity and the children they have hurt directly or indirectly. Only one knows about it and he won't have anything to do with my H now. Not sure if I want to share with the other kids....

We shared it with our kids. More than just "mommy was seeing OM" (our were teenagers though)... It took months for them to begin getting to a place where mom was "mom" again. IN retrospect, it was extremely hard, but beneficial for a few reasons:

1) She was accountable to them (and remains so) and not just me.

2) It forced complete open and honesty in our house and that has become the pattern

3) She had to come to grips with the immensity of her sin and deal with the "full monty" so to speak. It stood there in our house like a giant white elephant

4) In retrospect, it has given us the opportunity and perspective to speak to our kids in a much more full way. We have angles and insights into conversations with them that we didn't previously have and the ability to speak to them from those positions.

5) The got to watch us rebuild trust, love, affection from the most devastating thing ever....

CV

We have one teen at home, my son which my H adopted, and a DIL with GK living with us. The others have left home. The son that I told feels I will never find a faithful man, I'm sure his dad cheated on me, but could never prove it. He had plenty of women's phone numbers and some calling me at work. DS was a baby when I left his father so he is pretty adamant about not being anything like his biological dad.
I don't know if it would do any good to tell the others..I already find the whole betrayal gut wrenching and hard to believe...I just never thought this would happen again....like a death....you just want it taken back and you can't, can't change any of it. Can't understand how he could just forget us go to bed with her even after admitting it wouldn't go any further after she left! I'm afraid that white elephant won't go away. I know H was destined to fail, that Satan had an open door to attack him, and I was part of that setup. I say I forgive him, but the not forgetting makes me question if I do. It's only been a little over 2 months now since I found out, I just pray I can let it go!

I would not send your H's confession to OW without his knowledge. OW might let him know about it which would surely upset him, as he wrote it FYEO. Also, what if some of the facts in his confession were sanitized to protect you from some of the ugliness. She'd know it and have the last laugh.
However I'd take Dr. Harley's advice over your pastor's, and let the OWH know. He deserves to know, and together you can better prevent a rekindling. Ten hours distance is nothing! Dr H is a marriage counseling expert, your pastor is not.

Yes, I thought about H may not be giving me the whole truth, but I really don't plan to have any further contact with OW. I have a draft email together now, probably more info than OWH needs, but if OW negelected to tell him I don't want her lying about it and telling OWH I'm lying. So I included some details that OWH would know.

My pastor told me today he can understand and is referring us to a certified marriage counselor. I don't want to wait another 3 weeks until H returns to talk to counselor whether it is right or not. I plan to send it today....sure bad timing 9/11, but I had my d-days already! My H will just have to get over it. Thanks!

Well, he may be. One thing you may want to ask your pastor is about his experience in helping save marriages. Many pastors are ignorant of how to do it, but many aren't. It is a fair and honest Q to ask him, and have him read SAA and HNHN too. if he's counseling you, he should make himself familiar with what you are working through so you are on the same page.

CV

OWH was contacted, he was very appreciative of me confirming his suspiscions. She also confessed! A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel relieved and better than I have for a few months. So pushing forward in building a better relationship with H and also praying for the OWH and family. Thanks everyone for the encouragement and advice!

Good deal! Did you find any new info or was it just confirmation of what you already knew?

CV

No new information, OW says H came on to her and took advantage of her being on pain meds and in depression..when I saw OW special youtube video she sent H, she didn't look depressed, she was singing her heart out with her song to my H, but like I told the OWH we will never know the full truth. H says she came onto him. I don't think H would lie to me at this point, but not 100% sure.

I'm sure someone asked... Will he do a polygraph?

Cv


Col 3:12-14 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, (13) bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (14) And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

I haven't asked H if he would take one. I guess I'm not seeing the benefit to have one done. Kind of worn out from it all.

I can understand being worn out. a polygraph will settle whether or not he has totally come clean. it is a chapter you can close in the recovery process.

Ultimately, the two of them got together, right? That means *both* of them came on to one another. They're both right, and they'd both pass a polygraph. He almost certainly believes what he's saying (that she flirted with him), and she almost certainly believes what she's saying (that he flirted with her).

So does it really matter? Rule out either of you ever having friends of the opposite sex besides your spouse in your life and call it done.

I agree, they would both pass. The only problem I have now is the OWH is so ticked off, which I understand D-day for him has been a little over a week. He wants to get in my H face which he has every right. Just seems he is minimizing her part in it by saying H took advantage of OW cause she was depressed and on drugs. I say that's an excuse....they both knew what they were doing. I feel for H, but there are consequences to bad choices which he has to face up to. I do feel better after telling OWH, mostly relieved. As I told H, I won't have to go through this 2 years later when she starts feeling guilty and confesses!

Their marriage. Their problem. What do you care about OWH's minimizing OW's part in the affair? You exposed. You should now never speak or see OWH beyond the minimum required to verify no-contact between WH and OW.

OWH's anger at your husband: your husband's problem. Don't shield him from it, nor should you expedite a face-to-face between the two of them. He should never see or speak to OW again. If OWH decides to confront him, he should get in his car & leave. Facilitating angry outbursts is no help.

There are really three things you can believe here:

1. That the affair partners were totally naive and "it just happened". You know what? That happens. Doesn't feel like it, and when you think about the actions your wayward spouse took, it certainly doesn't feel innocent. So few are likely to believe this.

2. That the other person was the instigator.

3. That your spouse was the instigator.

Which belief do you think a betrayed spouse who is interested in recovering his/her marriage is going to embrace? Rational self-interest will demand at the least that you decide that your spouse was the more-innocent party in most cases.

Let him OWH justify however he wants. Yes, you'll feel that he's deluding himself and it won't feel fair. No, it's none of your business now that you've exposed the affair. You've done your job. Fix your marriage. Let him do his job.

Burn no bridges and exchange contact information, but spend no more time with OWH than you absolutely have to to communicate regarding the affair if it flares up again. A number of revenge affairs start with innocent communication between betrayed spouses...

Thanks, I agree. Just seems the OWH is always texting me now or calling. I just want him to focus on her. So I try to stay neutral and tell him I understand I felt the same way. But would like to start focusing on my marriage not going over everything again! sigh..its exhausting, but I know I'm handling things better emotionally.