Yes what Mel and Mike said is correct. No partial marriage, all or nothing, even the woman who thinks she is the wildest sexual woman in the world knows when she is dominated, and the man not afraid to do it has the largest set hanging off him.

OM is the neighbors dog..


Clank Clank my friend, go tear down this abomination and bring he11 with you. She is thinking with her wrong head if you know what I mean.

God will honor it, especially because you have the guts to expose.

Lose the therapist.

Keep up the good work.

Just a quick update - my therapist is in total support of 100% NC. He's a good guy and supports everything said here. It's helpful to me to have you guys and him.

Good to hear. Is WW quitting her job yet? Hope the hammer is coming down on this

Hi All,
Here�s what�s going on. The first therapy session last Friday was somewhat helpful but it did open some wounds. She has so much anger towards me and said the reason she�s in therapy is because I gave her the ultimatum that I�d leave her 100% with no contact & a parallel parenting plan, etc.
However well into the session the therapist did ask if she was �done, done� or just �done with the way things were?� and she responded with �done with the way things were.� So I don�t think it knocked us back but I�m not sure it moved us forward either. It did help my therapist better understand what�s going on & what I�m going through.

Here�s what I�m struggling with: I wish life could conform to a template but sometimes it can�t. Her job thing is really complicated on a number of levels. From present implications to future implications to the support of out family and if it comes to divorce, the support of out daughter. I was so hoping the school district would separate them but that�s not going to happen. They view the matter as completely private between two individuals and it�s none of their concern. They have reassigned her evaluator, they know what�s going on and have told them they are watching, etc.
I know with respect to the MB approach this isn�t good but I�m really stuck between a rock & a hard place. I know 100% in my gut if I demand she change/quit her job, she�ll walk. This is so hard - You guys say �I�m damned if I don�t� and I feel like I�m damned if I do. This is where the life/template conflict comes in. I feel like there is hope in that she hasn�t moved out, hasn�t filed, let�s me check email, etc. I just know she�s not willing to give up her job and that her issue is with the state of our marriage, not the OM. (I know you�re going to come down on me Mel...)

So to change gears for a second, I had a thought today that maybe the scope of �working on the marriage� is too big at this juncture (therapists says our outlook is �bleak�). My thought was to reduce the scope to working on �communication & trust� first - two things we�re going to need (at some level) no matter the outcome. The purpose would be to get some traction going with positive communication without being overwhelmed with the hugeness of the �marriage� - just for now, again, to get us talking. The path would essentially be the same but the rephrasing would be different. She�s taken a beating over the past few weeks with exposure, etc. and I�m just trying to consider how this whole thing can be approached in a way that causes her to respond.

Personally, I�m kind of a wreck. My emotions are still all over the place - anger, devastation, low-self esteem and constant preoccupation with the future. I did go visit some friends for a few days which was good, I am exercising regularly and paying attention to hydration & nutrition (could be better). I�m not drinking at all and getting 5-6 hrs of sleep with the help of Ambien.

I am a saint at home (extremely hard) and do kind things for her and let her comments go.
She is showing a lot of ambivalence - cutting words one minute, a hug 20 min later. A kind txt message followed by a terse phone conversation an hour later.

Thank you again for your support.

Start working on the custody arrangements

I think you might be very surprised at her reaction if you do give her an ultimatum. And keep in mind you have nothing to lose and everything to gain at this point. You have already lost her but don't seem to understand that. If you want to get her back she has to leave the job.

Because you have already lost at this point. You see hope where there is none. I understand many men are afraid of losing their wives if they give them this ultimatum, and are always shocked when their wives end up leaving the job. Oh sure, they [censored] and moan for a couple of days, but when they see he is serious, they leave the job.

Just let me assure you that if she does choose the job over you, you have lost nothing because this is going to divorce anyway. You can take the slow boat or the fast boat. You have already lost her. If you want to get her back she has to leave the job.

I am sorry to be so hopeless about the path you have taken, but I have good reason to be hopeless. I have been here for 10 years and have never seen a marriage recover this way. It is impossible. Neither has Dr Harley in his experience. What will happen is that the affair will be on again, off again for years and you will die a death of a thousand cuts. You think you are wreck now? Just wait after a few more weeks of this torture. If you are going to get divorced anyway, you might as well do it NOW and avoid years of holy hell.

But you do have a chance to pull this out if you give her an ultimatum. Like I said, you have nothing to lose.



This is a waste of your time. It is the equivalent of trying to learn new things with a falling down drunk. You have to take the FIRST STEP and that is to sober up the drunk. Your wife will not be sober until she leaves that job so all this "communication" stuff is a big waste. You have to STEP ONE before you can do step TEN.


This will get worse with time as you see her go off to work with her lover every day and your marriage continues to disintegrate. Can you get on some powerful anti-depressants?

MM, I am an optimist by nature, but I am just telling you this is hopeless. Sorry.

Do you have a good attorney? I assure you that you will need one.

It is alarming to me that you will accept her prioritizing of her job over you and your daughter.

No big surprise there. My high school principal was going skin-to-skin with the guidance counselor. It was common knowledge all the way up to the superintendant. They divorced their spouses and married each other. I don't know what happened to them after I graduated, but word on the street was that he was chasing after one of the younger science teachers. Ah, well.

Why does your therapist say this? Because your WW refuses to leave the job where OM is?

You're not going to get the response you're looking for as long as they are in contact. She is unlikely to defog under those circumstances.

How do you think you'll be with sending her off to work every day, knowing OM is there? Are you ready to process that kind of emotional distress?

Funny that your therapist thinks your outlook is bleak. I thought you were well on your way until you said she wasn't leaving the job. That's why I'm wondering if she's feeling the same way about the continued contact.

MM,

Sorry that you have to endure more pain, but have you done all you can to get OM fired?

Have you exposed to OM children? His parents, his brothers and sisters, everyone in his world who matters?

I know in the past I was dumb enough to let my gf/wife continue to work with OM2, and as a result we still haven't healed after 20+ years. The recovery became gaussian with tails out to infinity because I didn't truncate it when I should have.

God Bless
Gamma

He won't do it, GO. His WW will get mad at him if he causes her to lose her job.

Why why why are you letting this happen?

did you read the thread the other day about the importance of men "manning up"? Didya?

Have you met THIS guy?



This guy would have NO PROBLEM putting OM and his friends and family in his exposure crosshairs. He would expose and pull that trigger with ease, possibly whilst sipping a cup of earl grey tea...or having a martini, shaken not stirred.

That guy IS NEVER shaken or stirred btw. He is unafraid of a waffle-y wayward wife. He is especially unafraid of a msyognist lying, laughable piece of manhood such as the posom/principal.

This guy would come home looking great and smelling great, pack his gym bag, give the ww a smoldering look while meeting some emotional needs, and tell her he's headed off to the gym and will come back when he damn well feels like it. He'd also not enable her nor would he GROVEL, WHINE, CRY, OR SHOW EMOTION that he is weak or that she is in a position of power over him. That'd never happen with him.

You see, I have a good friend IRL, who basically pretended he was THIS guy and used MB (esp part B) principles to win his divorced (yea they had even divorced) ww back. In fact, he got so good at BEING this type of guy, that he actually liked his life in plan B, believe it or not.

I'm giving you one more pep talk before you ask that counselor for the name of a good attorney. She is already halfway out the door dude. Seriously. And that guy? Do you ever want him around your kids? Do you think he's a predator? Are you going to seriously just cower in the corner doing nothing while he's doing..um well I will stop here.

Every day when she goes to work at school, you will wonder. Every day if she mists on perfume before work, you will wonder. Every day you will daydream about her having lunch with him, or long conferences in his office alone. YOU WILL WONDER..unless you put this to bed for good and make sure she quits her job.

Mr. Bond would NEVER allow such covert operations to go on in front of him or behind his back. Sure, he's dealt with some wild wayward double agent ladies before, and he's had them turn on him, but he would always get to the bottom of a situation and stop the evil doers in their tracks. You know what you need to do. And you do not need a therapist to do it for you.

If you don't do this, get an attorney on speed dial, find a good psychologist for all the antidepressants you'll need, and start putting "his" or "hers" on different pieces of furniture. Doing that makes it easier when you divide the assets.

Heck, I wouldn't even do it, and I'm just a wimpy little gurl!

I STILL feel like going across town and snapping some necks when I think of how Bond would act.

Listen, Mel is right, death of a 1000 cuts, slow and sure and it will be like every bit of manhood is stripped away.

Please for yourself and claritys sake, tell her leave the job, or you are gone, not negotiable.

This compromising of what you know is the right thing will do more damage to your family and finances than you realize.

I also see a lot of benifets in furthur exposure, and feel you are being fooled into believing your doing the,"Aw, lets just put a bandaid on this infection", because the School Dept wants it that way, as I feared at the outset.

I would have the Earl Grey BTW Peachy...


You have a chance to expose a major malfunction in the system that is responsible for teaching our children, and you are afraid to do it because your WW will cut you off furthur from her affection....take em out of her purse, take a look at em, their getting shrunken like a witch doctors charm bracelet now.

Please grab yourself by the short ones and realize this doubletalk and voodoo is going to ruin you, your marriage, and a lot of childrens lives, and ask yourself if getting it off with your W a few more times in an uncomfortable touchy relationship is worth it compared to that.

Oh, I know, "What happens between two people"...

I was so hoping the school district would separate them but that�s not going to happen.

You were "hoping"? That's it?????? Now is the time to end "hoping" and start "forcing"! I promised you I'd start giving you the tips on fighting dirty if necessary. This seems like a good place to start.

1) If you don't have access to a full-size van, rent one for a week. Paint the following message on two sheets (to be taped one on each side of the van):
The principal of this school has been having extra-marital SEX with one of the faculty. Ensure your chldren understand this is behavior acceptable to your school board.
Drive the van back and forth in front of the school at drop-off and pick-up times, sounding the horn occasionally. If possible, park it on the street near the school all day. Have your local reporter on speed dial in case the police are called. If they order you to leave, do so (with pictures). Come back the next day. (Of course, NG would name his WW after the word "faculty", but not everyone is as reckless as he.)
2) Call your State Department of Education with your story, making claims of financial improprieties (conference trips?) as they occur to you. School Boards and Superintendents LOVE to have interaction with State agencies in matters of this nature, whether they lead to intervention or not.

She is showing a lot of ambivalence - cutting words one minute, a hug 20 min later. A kind txt message followed by a terse phone conversation an hour later.

You're being "played" like a trout on her line, MM...

Personally, I�m kind of a wreck.

...and this is the result.

If you're not willing to go "all in" during this struggle, then at least change your thread-title to:

Wife Had an Affair - Here to whine about it

Yep. That how we've seen this for awhile now.

Scorched earth should be in effect. If the board wants sexual impropriety in their management ranks you should make sure their constitutents are made aware of it.

This woman sounds she's not too torn up over this whole thing.

She's playing you like a fiddle.

She got you walking around on egg shells waiting for a hug. I will tell you this, if my wife didn't snap to after what you have done it's time to get make her less comfortable. For starters , she quits that job or you're leaving. Subtle? No.

Be ready to go because you nothing have over there. She has failed at job number one in saving your marriage by reporting to work where her boyfriend is also her boss.

you can't expect any satisfactory outcomes when she gets a fresh dose of OM every morning. Pack your stuff. sorry.

See,the right thing, or should I say, the naturally right thing, is to go over and beat the crap out of the principal with no principals.

BUT Society has made us so tame with our jumping the fence for each others wifes, that it is almost an expected thing.


A Close friend of mine was appalled when he heard a pastor at a rightwing fundmentalist church, comment on a woman passing by, saying,"Just look at the azz on that!" ?????

Yeah I wonder what he was teaching, and why. Was he trying to impress the boys?

But this Principal, What is he gonna pull a Bill Clinton? "It all depends on what your definition of the word is....is..."

I understand this could upset your wife and she could lose her job, but bowing to this and giving it some kind of cute name like "indescretion" is just an insult again to the profession of teaching.

Of course you wouldn't catch the principal in the local bluecollar bars picking up someones pizzed off wife, because he counts on his women having "understanding" men at home, who won't just kick his azz and ask questions later, like, "Is that your ear I bit off over there?"

I am sure Prince scopes out his victims well, and makes sure they wont cause to much trouble, and can be controlled. Because he is screwwing you while he screws your WW.

Time to get pizzed off or pizzed on.

MM, do you believe that your WW should be in the position of counseling children?

We've been doing a lot of Principal-bashing. He didn't operate alone - there's an unremorseful WW in the mix, here.

For legal reasons, I would avoid the idea of the van in the schoolyard (although you get extra credit from me for creativity, NG! High five!)

Best that she just GET out. Of that job.

Mel, and all the others, don't have a dog in this fight. They are telling you what they have seen and experienced over the years.

People they have seen that followed the plan laid out and their marriage recovered = some

People that followed your plan and recovered = zero

I think you are confusing recovery with staying married. They are not the same.

Your experience is similar to mine in a lot of ways. You see it that you are avoiding forcing the issue as a good thing. She sees it as a hammer you could drop at anytime, that any change or concession she makes is coerced blackmail. Take it from me, I know. She will resent you more and more. Probably eventually file for divorce and have you removed from the house. You will just have to react and your fate is assured.

You need to destroy the fantasy, destroy the affair, then hopefully rebuild from the ashes. She has already destroyed your marriage, what it was is never going to come again. But it can be rebuilt from the ground up and actually shored up in the weak areas. But you can't used the old marriage to build it.

You are missing the same point I did. You think there is something to salvage. It needs to be bulldozed and rebuilt. There is still a chance, but IMO it is less now than a couple of weeks ago, and will just get worse.

Or, do it your way. We care, but can't make you. Maybe you will be the first.