Hello everyone,
Here is a little back story. 8.5 years ago my DH walked out on me and 3 kids for an employee of his. After a year of seperation we agreed to try to make it work (after plan B). We worked really hard to fix our relationship and I thought we were finally really moving past all the hurt. I finally opened up to my DH that during that year he was gone I dated someone else and that seemed to be a huge turning point in our relationship. Now fast forward to a few months ago. My DH started to exhibit similar patterns to 8.5 years ago. He is texting an employee of his at all hours of the day and night, he talks about her frequently and he is pushing to having her watch our kids (we now have a 1 year old in addition to the other 3). This has caused a lot of strain on our relationship as I feel he is having (at minimum) an emotional affair and he gets mad whenever I say that to him. He says he comes home to me every night,he pays the bills does that not show enough, can't he have friends. Yes he can have friends but not just one, and not one that is presenting so similar as before... He was very involved last weekend, planning dates and trying to spend time with me....but he texted her while we were out, or he insisted that SHE be our babysitter and if I loved him and wanted it to work I would allow it... He is out again tonight with his friends, and I believe that, but I also believe he is texting her the entire time. Am I over reacting? Is my gut wrong? I feel sick. I can not handle another affair.

Welcome, mnmom.

Unfortunately, it is likely that your H is having at minimum an emotional affair, and it's possible that it has become physical.

What is their work relationship? Is your H in a position of authority over her? Does HE have a superior?

You're going to have to do some snooping to find out what he's doing. Does he use his computer to contact her via email?

I would suggest you purchase a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in his car so you can record his conversation when he thinks he's alone.

There is spyware information on our Operation Investigate forum. Check there for info on spying on his texts.

Have you managed to get his cell phone away from him without his knowledge to see what the texts say? Like when he's sleeping?

I'm sorry your circumstances have led you here, but hopefully we can help you.

Go over to our Operation Investigate forum and look into cellphone spyware like eblaster or flexispy or mobilestealth. While he is asleep tonight get his phone and install one of those. Preferably one with a built in GPS. You can get eblaster at spectorsoft.com and flexispy at flexispy.com.

Be quiet and do some super sleuthing and then come back here and tell us what you find.

I have looked in his phone, and often times he just hands me his phone to look through. He honestly thinks that there is nothing wrong with chatting with her and whatever else he is doing. I will head over to the Operation Investigate forum and read all the information. My H is her boss, and he does have another boss. THe problem is HIS boss loves him, and she sends him texts messages all the time as well telling him how cute he is and that if only she were single....LIKE HE IS???? Okay I get it, he lost a bunch of weight recently (First red flag) and looks amazing (well, I think so...) but he is still married. Yesterday when I went through his phone he had yet to delete his messages (like he typically has started to do as of late) and I read them. While he was at work (she was not) they texted eachother a total of 86 times. All while he was to busy to talk to me on the phone about our son's birthday which was that day. I agree he is at the very least having an emotional affair and I also believe that one main reason it has not gone farther is the fact that she is too young. I was so hurt after reading what the messages said yesterday that I could not get myself to be nice to him. I either ignored him or provided short and to the point answers to his questions. I really do not want to go through this again- and to be honest do not think I could. I love my kids and my husband, but I also love myself and I deserve better then this.

Boundary #1

a) No opposite sex friendships EVER
b) 100% Open Transparency for anything that has POWER/keyboard/antenna.

c) I will commit to a program of recovery that includes at least 20+ hours of UA time and 100% Radical Honesty

Keep Snooping - in the meantime I would strongly encourage you to state your boundaries and up your UA immediately to 20-25+ hours.

Start your Plan A while you snoop. Can you take a weekend trip or somehow get away without phones for a weekend or extended weekend?

Great advice. We are trying to spend time alone, and hopefully we can get away together soon. He works most weekends. This is why we have been trying to date- going out. I have asked him to leave his phone home while we go out, and I bring mine only so the babysitter can get a hold of us if needed. He refuses. He typically has his phone with him at all times, he even takes it in the bathroom with him when he is taking a shower.
I have tried sharing my concerns with him on many occasions. I see the writing on the wall I just do not want to read it. I am in a much better place then I was 8 years ago. I graduate from college in December and will hopefully be able to get a better paying job so that I can support my kids on my own. I just do not want that.
I am just so sad, as I thought we had a really good weekend, spent a lot of time just him and I, we talked- I mean really talked. I thought "okay, so maybe they are just friends, I can deal with this" then I get slapped in the face by the text messages. I have started reading His Needs Her Neeeds, as well as Love Busters, and other books hoping for the tools that I need to survive this.
Here I sit, actually not mad, I am so hurt it stings. I feel myself pulling away from him as a self defense mechinism and wondering if it is even worth it. I love him so much it kills me that other people are making him happy and he won't let me meet his needs.

Remember this is an addiction. Breaking the addiction is key.

Gather the evidence. Is there a way you can head into the bathroom where his phone is sitting, accidently push it into the bathtub or toilette?

Then you can say to him - oh my! I will get you another one. I am so sorry. This will allow you to get him another one and put some spy software on it.

You can probably find more advice on operation investigate. Keep in mind the goal is to quietly gather evidence and then EXPOSE this wide and far.

You will do EXPOSURE even if it is only an EA at the moment. EXPOSURE will be like a nuclear bomb exploding. KILL it before it goes PA.

Tough~

I hate to say it, but he is having an affair and it is likely physical. He also has very bad boundaries.

HE should be the one putting a stop to inappropriate messages from his boss. HE should respect what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, you've been in an 8 year false recovery since the things that led to the first affair (poor boundaries) never got corrected.

He is probably so open with his phone because he has another one hidden or has coached OW to be mindful of what she sends him so that you don't find out about it.

No, opposite sex friendships when you're married are not ok. The friendship must be with the couple, not with just the husband or wife.

First off, you know that texts can be deleted, don't you? That is why you need some spyware on his phone. Most of the spyware also has a GPS on it.

The problem is that your H has very inappropriate boundaries around women and this is headed to another affair, if it hasn't already gone there. This is why it is important to get the actual evidence.

That's all I needed to see.

I'd say it's time to start getting your Plan B together. I'd also get your intel together and expose this. Get the contact info for WW's H as well as your WH's superior. Is there a company HR department? CEO? Company attorney? Have you checked Facebook to see if OW has a FB page?

Go to www.intelius.com and plug in her name. It will bring up her name and associated names. Those are likely to be relatives. You may well be able to get her H's name as well as other relatives to expose this to.

Thank you everyone for the responses. I came here seeking if I was paranoid or justified. From your responses I am not paranoid. This female is extremely young (still in teens) and is not married. I have asked H how he would feel if it were his daughter talking to a man almost twice her age. He said that man would not survive, so I asked him why he thinks it is okay and he said it is not the same thing. Addiction, I see it. I have read through the other site and will get my hands on his phone.

Good job, mn. Remember: if when you find something, don't let him know! Bring it here and we'll help you with it!

Track down OW's parents. If they are decent people and love their daughter at all, they will be appalled that she is involved with a married man with children who is old enough to be her father.

Get that spyware on there.

MN -

The only woman he should he should be texting is you.

That boundry should have been inplace after his last affair.

There should have been some precautions in place to affair-proof your marriage after the last event.

Get the spyware on his phone pronto!

What is he getting out of that relationship? Admiration? Is he not getting that from you?

Those boundries I thought were in place after the last affair. I thought we had come so far. I was wrong.

This girl makes him feel young. She does not place any demands on him. She acts like she needs him. She thinks he walks on water. He LOVES that. I on the other hand learned to take care of myself, and our kids the last time he walked out. I need him yes, but I do not fawn all over him. I have always tried to be attentive (hugs,kiss, ask about his day...). She texts him like crazy about stupid, childish stuff- like how her hair did not turn out, or how boring her classes are. She also texts him about work. They chat about work frequently but when I ask about work he says "it's fine" and stops talking.
I take care of the kids, the house, the yard, cooking- pretty much everything because he doesn't want to (all while working full time and going to college full time). Perhaps I do to much and he likes being needed. Problem is, if I do not do it nothing gets done and he gets crabby and takes it out on the kids.
I am failing here somewhere- but he is making choices that are pushing me away.

I think you are dead on there. There is nothing better for someone to have himself admired from a teenager. Because he knows, in reality, he is not all that.

But in her fantasies he is. This is really selfish of him. Not only against you, but also against your children and even against this girl, because he is cheating her out of normal teenage relationships.

What age is she, and how did they meet? Where and when do they see each other?

He will surely NOT like, being needed for household chores!
What age are your own children? Because if you don't babysit them while he is conducting this affair, he would not have time for her??

Take care and spy your head off.

Happyheart

A simple phone call to her mother (if she is a teenager) will clear this up pretty quickly, imho.

It will not clear up your husbands boundary issu tho-
But one positive step at a time...

If my daughter (who is now 19) was texting a 38 year old married with children man --
for any reason- I sure would have something to say about it. So would her father.

Texts in the dozens are ridiculous.

This is exactly the approach I would take. I would call up the girl's mother, the girl, and your H's boss and tell them all about this inappropriate contact. I would tell the girl to NEVER text my H again.

Your H is extremely unprofessional and his company needs to know that he is a walking legal liability.

I would blow this up and end this crap in one day. And if your H wants to continue his EA, I would pack his bags and hand him a Plan B letter. He has already treated you to one affair and he is back playing in the road again.

Remember teenagers have no concept of reality outside of texting. She probably feels 86 to one person in a day is nothing. Teenagers text thousands/month. They have lost social communicating by mouth. I feel it is a real issue because they lose reality.

When I was nineteen. I tried to date a 31 year old divorced man of two small kids I met in a bar. Each time I met him for a date I had to be drunk. It wasn't normal (this was back in 1994 before cell phones/texting/etc. (dark ages!!!))

Anyway - call her parents. Let them know what is happening and you would be happy for them to see all the texts. I bet her dad just may want to kick your 38 year old WH's butt as well.

I completely agree that it is rediculous. My H is 33 and she is 17. He has a countdown on his phone until she turns 18- which is in 32 days I believe... Our children are 14,11,8 and 1. I told H that our 14y/o would be more appropriate for conversing with then him. He said they are just friends. I just turned on the webcams in the house (from my phone) and am watching him. Currently he is playing with our daughter and he just sent me a text message that he loves me---probably because he knows he is in duck soup from last night. Either that or he is trying to hang on to me because who would not want a built in nanny, maid, cook and lover? Man I love him.
I would call her parents however apparently they do not have a house phone and I have no idea how to get a hold of their cell numbers.
Any suggestions on working on the boundry issues while not pushing him away and spying like crazy?

YOu need to visit her parents then, send a certified letter, or find the phone numbers.

This is sickening he has a reminder of when she is 18. Your husband needs a wake up call immediately. This is very inappropriate.

BUST UP this affair before her 18th birthday is really her 17th birthday and your husband spends the rest of his life in jail.