Married 13 yrs
Me:32
FWH:33
12yr old, 10yr old, and 2yr old
FWH had a few affairs in 2001-2002
Fully recovered

I've been going through an angry stage since May 2011, and I thought we would separate in July 2011. I've been angry about the lack of boundaries in my marriage and the hurtful words my husband has said. My friends and family have obviously encouraged me to stay and work things out, but I'm not sure things will ever change regarding the DJs and unsolicited advice-->I read the unsolicited advice thread yesterday, and it hit the nail on the head for us!

I hate the words "you should have!" They are so unproductive for me and feel like a slap in the face.

I have sent some links trying to explain DJ's to my hubby, but I don't know if it is truly sinking in. I feel so hopeless and just plain worn out.

Last night's example:

I've been working on decorating my daughter's bathroom, and I finally got everything painted and all the decor set out to hang on the walls. I have had a very busy schedule since last week and haven't had time to focus on it.

My husband came into the office while I was working and asked "Will you be finishing the bathroom tonight?" I already knew where it would go when I said "no." I told him I wouldn't have time, and he told me that my "procrastination has caught up with me" because one of the pictures (that I based the whole design of the bathroom) has been ruined.

We had a service man in that bathroom, and he placed all the wet shampoo bottles on top of my painting! I was so upset! It takes so much courage for me to even try to be creative and artistic, and I felt like that room was coming together beautifully.

I was literally reading the unwanted advice thread when he walked in, and I had an AO. Ugh. I told him I hate talking to him because of this. I was so discouraged! Why isn't he a friend to me??? Why couldn't he have said, "Honey, I'm so sorry but one of your paintings has been ruined. Can I help you pick up the things off of the cabinet so nothing else gets ruined?"

He told me that since he has to say things a certain way I am not "letting him have an opinion." I've never said he couldn't have an opinion. I've always just asked that he be careful HOW he says it.

I'm so discouraged and hurt. I'm beside myself that this will never change. Our first fight was on this very topic 14 years ago.

I'm so tired.

Have you considered using the Marriage Builders program?

I would start with this article right here: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage



If you have problems motivating your husband to go through the program, you might try phone counseling with the Harleys. But the solution to your problems is to learn the skills to resolve these problems.

Yes, I have. I have lurked on the Infidelity page and Recovery trying to overcome what we have been through, and I have just been learning about DJ's and AO's which are our primary issues. All these years I have definitely been guilty of AO's in response to his hurtful comments. I bought HNHN, and I have read a few chapters. I need to finish.

That is great! I would also recommend jumping to Lovebusters sooner rather than later. That was a real eye opener for both my H and I. We did 1 or 2 chapters a week and then discussed the chapter afterwards. You might want to focus on lovebusters FIRST so the work you do on meeting needs is not wasted.

Thank you, Melody. I respect your opinion a lot, and I'm thankful for your attention to my thread. I'll check it out after work.

I was terrified you'd tell me there was no hope. Thank you.

you are very welcome, dear! {{{{{{{{{anointed}}}}}}}}}}}}

This made me LOL remembering the day ML told me that my (now X) husband was a sociopath and I should divorce him. It was the most validating thing I had ever had said to me.

She does have an uncanny eye for situations presented. I read and learn so much from her.

Is your DH on board with the program? On board with going through the Lovebuster book or questionaire?

You know, I'm not sure how on board he is with the program. He has read part of some threads I've sent him, but I really just don't know. He says his heart towards me is different than what I assume about him. I told him that he is responsible for what he presents to me...I cannot just assume he means to be kind when he is being unkind.

'

Anointed, here is how I sold my H on this program. I identified something about the program that he would really view as a benefit and sold him that way. For example, I was the Queen of Independent Behavior. It drove him CRAZY. So, I sold him on the program by describing the policy of joint agreement.

What is it about you that bugs your husband? What would be his benefit from using this program?

And again, if he won't get on board, you might want to consider using one of the Marriage Builders coaches. It might just take a couple of sessions to motivate him and once you do that, we can guide you through the program.

Thank you, SW! I just wanted to add that what you told us was so shocking that it seemed very apparent he had some serious problems. That is why I asked you if anyone had ever said he was a sociopath. So glad you got out of there!

In other words, people buy things when they see a perceived BENEFIT. Sell him on benefits and features.

Would your H be willing to read or learn about these concepts also? It's great that you're learning about them, but if both of you are on board with the concepts it's much easier to implement them.

Sometimes my H learns or understands better when he can read it and absorb it himself, or when I read it to him and we discuss it. (As opposed to my just telling him about it.)

Thank you so much for the input MelodyLane and maritalbliss! One thing he pointed out to me yesterday I'd that I have AO when he has DJ. I'm sure he'd prefer that not happen anymore. He also said that I have NEVER fulfilled him sexually, and this has been a painful topic since the beginning. I've had medical issues that cause me to have a period that last sometimes over half the month! I would like a hysterectomy, but he'd like another child. I'm so tired of being aggravated and in pain.

He says I can please him in other ways, but I truly don't like his favorite way. We have not been able to POJA that.

His major issues with me: AO and SF

And maritalbliss he does do better if I read it to him. Our schedule is that we'd have to do it before bed, and he usually falls asleep on me. I bought the kindle version of Lovebusters, so we can try again.

I just finished this article, and I think the concepts are slowly sinking in for me. It seems so strande that I've been lurking for so long and didn't soak in this stuff properly. I guess now is just the right time.

And I haven't ignored your suggestions to do counseling with the Harveys. We are trying to get me to be a stay at home mom (another issue that has not been POJAed well) and money is very tight. I'm willing to do it, though.

Update: My husband said he was willing to read Lovebusters with me but has not initiated. Everytime I bring it up, I can tell he is not enthusiastic, so I don't push. I'll admit that last night I did say that "we've been talking about this for 3 days. I'd really like to read tonight." He said, "I guess I don't have a choice." I said, "yes you do. If you'd rather watch the football game then I'll go read something else." He watched the game. I'll admit my tone wasn't the nicest.

I guess I'll have to start reading it by myself. I know I'm the worst about AO. Even though I haven't read the book about lovebusters I've come to realize that an AO doesn't have to be yelling...If my tone is sarcastic, frustrated, etc or if I behave like I'm put out...it's the same thing. I've been acting like I'm a victim and have no control over my life.

I've been acting like my reactions are understandable due to their (my kids and husband) hurtful actions. I'm too sensitive, and it's time to get some thicker skin and know that no one can make me do anything. I can decide how I respond.

I cried so much last night realizing how much I'm going to have to die to myself to respond properly in the face of pain.

Anointed, did you, by any chance, present the reading idea to him, knowing that he was interested in watching the game?

If so, I can see where your H would feel that you were putting him in the position of giving up an activity that he enjoys (watching the game) in order to do something you wanted to do instead.

Did you consider asking him what time would be a good time to read together? This is a good exercise in POJA.

Also my husband and I were on good terms for a whole 2 days before something else reared it's ugly head. Can I please get your input?

My MIL and my husband's family are notorious for being late and inconsiderate of other's schedules. I have felt for a while now that when I say something, they do not hear me. My husband and I have asked that when they make plans to bring the entire family over to our house to cook out to please ask us first out of courtesy. They do not. I tell my husband how much this bothers me, and he just tells me that I know this is how they are, so am I just going to love them anyway? "One day we'll have plans and they won't be able to come over like they had planned. That will teach them." Well, I'd like to teach them before then. That's a little background.

Yesterday we all (MIL and extended family) went to a showing of million dollar homes just for fun. The plan was to go to the early service at church, eat brunch, and head straight over so we could leave when it was time for my 2 year old to take a nap. We went to early church, but no one else did. We tried to go to brunch, but they weren't hungry since they all stayed home and had a big breakfast. We went home and changed clothes, passed some time, and then went to lunch on our own. They did show up to lunch when we were about finished, so we waited for everyone to finish. The whole time my husband was agrivated by the lack of consideration, and I kept saying, "let's just keep our schedule and they can meet up with us." We ended up waiting on them because my husband was "trying to be flexible."

We looked at the houses, and we all seemed to have a pretty good time. (This was a group of about 12 people, so it took some time) When we finished it was 3:30 and way past my toddler's naptime. I kept saying it was time to go. My MIL said that there was one more open house down the street. I said that it would take 40 minutes to get home, and we need to go. My husband said that we'd drive by the open house, and if he wanted to stop he would. Well, of course he wanted to stop. I kept telling him that I felt it was important to go home.

I went in with him to the open house since I didn't want to wait in the car with a toddler. It was really beautiful ($2 million home), but I felt ignored. It took 45 min to get back to the car, and then we drove home. I told him I didn't feel like he protected my wishes. He said that a real man shouldn't have to ask permission from his wife about every little thing. He said that is why men today don't have .....um...*alls. I asked him if he really thought being a man was threatened by making sure I was ok with the situation?

He ended up cursing at me (even though that hurts me terribly), and I just couldn't believe it. I'm pretty much ignored when his family is around, and I told him that I may not want to go on vacation with them or go to family events if this is the way it's going to be. That's when he started cursing and saying that if I want to "be that way" there are consequences...blah blah blah.

Am I crazy? We haven't spoken much since yesterday afternoon, and I'm discouraged.