Yeah, I think the ball's already in his court and has been gathering dust over there.

Anointed,

This is Markos' response to JustKim (SAA) in her thread, and it seems appropriate for you, too.

Thank you for this. I know I've stopped being caring to Ship. That's not a very good motivator for him.

I think I've been trying to force him out of fear. "What if he won't do it?"

Yes, I have a plan.

I understand. I've been holding out hope that one day...

I overstepped. It was an uncaring thing to be inconsiderate of Ship's feelings regarding this. He feels that I am pushing him to be healed so that I can have my way of ministering to others.

I can understand him feeling that I will find a way to have what I want based on our past. I do know how to get things done. I don't want to squash Ship in the process.

I truly do want him to forgive himself and be whole.

Well that sucks.

Here is the email Ship sent this morning:

I hope this is OK with you. I�m not the most creative, so I hope you�ll help me come up with ideas for our dates! We have one scheduled tonight, so I�m trying to come up with something that will keep us at the house/close to the house for the little girls.


UA Schedule

I want to be sure I haven't added to any confusion you might have. It's always a good idea to stop one's own Lovebusters, but it may not change how your spouse treats you. It remains that they need to participate. It's just for you to know that you did your part, which will be important to remember when you're separated. Second guessing yourself can be quite detrimental to you.

Anointed, do you LIKE that UA schedule? Do you like the workouts? Is there anything you wish the two of you would start doing that is not on that schedule?

Yes, I like working out. Ship is good at encouraging me.

I am concerned with the large amount of talking. We aren't so good at that yet. We are uncomfortable just sitting and talking, and I think it's because we are both scared of messing up.

I'd love to do something active...like ride bikes (which we don't have), go hiking, maybe fishing (not as excited about that one), wall climbing, maybe playing on a team together (but I get scared about that one bc I don't want Ship to get mad at me if I'm not any good), I like to paint (don't know if Ship has ever tried), couple massage...

I like really active stuff, and then when we get good at talking/sharing we could work more of that in.

I'm really glad Ship did the schedule. I feel like I beat it out of him, though.

I took an anti-depressant last night, and I'm bummed that I still feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown.

I know it will take a couple of weeks.

Yes, it does usually take at least a couple of weeks to start to feel better using ADs. In the meantime, can you get some good exercise? That will help you feel a little better, especially since you enjoy that kind of activity.

Exercise boosts your "feel good" chemicals, as I'm sure you already know.

That's true. Thank you. I had forgotten.

I recommend a myopic focus on healing the marriage. This is a pretty linear process and you must have few expectations such as he will become enthusiastic about your ministry.

That doesn't mean you don't have standards for your marriage.

When I read about your ministry it comes across that you want to heal so you can tell the whole world how you healed.

If that is the plan God has for you and Ship, it will happen in His time. If not, there is no amount of desire on your part that will go against God's design.

I know you didn't ask about this, so take anything you find helpful and discard the remains.

Anointed, I'm rooting for you and your family. One thing that jumps out at me when I read is this good guy-bad guy myth, that you all have to be perfect in order to earn UA or ENs or whatever. It is a way I misinterpreted what I was reading too. The thing is, you both can treat one another with wonderful care, every day, for your marriage, for your family, however you are feeling about that person.

Sitting and talking is hard when you are stuck in State of Conflict mode. The depression doesn't help. But you two can talk while you do something for FC time, like walk the baby in the stroller to the playground, and talk on the way and back. Then it'll be easier to talk while you're home. What do you think?

I agree. Cart before the horse and all that...

Thanks NED. We are being careful. I've been paying attention to stopping all LBs.

When the kids are around, it's very hard for me to get all of Ship's attention (of course) but he is very good at being affectionate and funny.

Tuesday, Ship followed through on the UA schedule. He made sure the kids were in bed on time so we could discuss MB radio.

He asked me a question, "Don't you think?" that threw me off guard. I'm sure in 15 years of marriage, he's asked me that, but tonight when he asked it was different.

We spent some time hanging out on the trampoline and throwing a football in the air, looking at the stars, chatting, making out. Ended in SF.

The whole evening was really nice.

Last night we had 1 hr UA time scheduled, so we took a walk. The talk was very nice.


Starting to feel better. Not sure if it's the meds or Ship's follow through.

Not letting down my guard, though.

Ship followed thru with UA on Wed. Thursday his grandfather passed away. We had 4 hrs of scheduled UA but we only got about 2 hrs of UA with everything going on. I figured he would drop it, but he texted me while I was out running errands to see if I was ready for our date. It was late so that's why only 2 hrs.

I thought we might be able to make up the time Friday but we ended up spending the day getting the house ready for a showing (that eventually cancelled). Then we went out of town to the viewing and to see Ship's grandmother.

Saturday was the funeral, and we spent all day with extended family.

Sunday we went to church and then tried to have UA time by discussing our financial situation and making plans on how/when to sell our house that is currently on the market.

It turned into an argument. I knew it probably wouldn't turn into a positive dreaming session, but I did hope.

So, how do I deal with extenuating circumstances that interrupt UA time? Just get back on the horse? I hope Ship does with me.

Feeling low today. Ship has been making selfish demands (how and when he thinks things ought to be done or he gets angry), and his DJs are still a huge problem. (He blamed me for not re financing our home after he sent me several texts with refinancing info. I told him I was not going to refinance without his input and if he's going to blame he could point his finger at himself as well. He also said that he was angry that I didn't tell him how bad our finances were when I knew about it, but I told him every time I had to move money or couldn't pay the bills. I don't understand how he can point his finger squarely at me when he has left me the burden of figuring out bills and did nothing to come and assess the situation himself. I'm very upset and I won't say all the disrespectful judgements I would like to make about him. )

To his credit, for the most part Ship has been quick to correct himself and apologize. But he wouldn't stop blaming me for our financial situation. I'm very upset.

I have switched to threaded mode regarding our situation, under disrespectful judgements in the Surviving an Affair forum. I hope this gets through. I am very very very frustrated that my husband has still not gotten on board with the recovery of our marriage after one affair (his)13 yrs ago and another emotional affair (his) last summer. I moved out last summer after initiating divorce request which he did not want but din nothing to change a thing to repair our situation. So here we are not recovering...

UA time should not be problem solving time. It should be recreation (fun) and enjoyable conversation.