Pray for me tonight guys. I never felt like I got full disclosure because of trickle truth and it is still bothering me almost a year later so I asked him to write it all out for me tonight.

I know this might set me back to square one but I feel like if I don't start it right it might come back and bite me later. Im scared of what I don't know but I needed to do this. I never got 100%full of what I was supposed to recover from. Yes im the kind that needs to know everything..... details.

Give me strength to read the letter he is writing and move forward.

Luvs,

you can do this. My wife just finished her novel and it's been three years. We had time-lines and such, but I had never asked her to write it out story form.

Keep an eye on this: It's been a year, some details won't be remembered as well as others... If nothing you find out changes the story (insignificant details), then move forward.

It's hard. took me three days to work up the courage...

Be strong, we're praying.

Well, I had a feeling there was more. He "remembered" one more day at a motel. I told him I wanted details and this is what I got

"the day I met her Just rode around on back roads around XXXX and talked.
Second time road around the woods near first XXX exit and kissed some.
After that we met 2 times at cheap motel on the XXX road in XXX.
Met a couple more times where we just road around.
Then met at Hotel for the one night.
Then met at walmart to get pre paid phone.
Last time we met was when we went across XXXX parkway and nothig happened.

Had sex 4 times total"

Wow, VERY detailed.
I'm pissed about the extra time becuase he had went into details before about how condoms are cheaper in the single pack than the 3 pack. He said he bought one single for the 1 motel room I knew about and a 3 pack that he had one left from the overnight in the Hotel.

How many pages is this story for you to call it a novel?

No, I think his wife was really writing a fiction novel.

It was 14 total. Not really long I guess. 3 years out, we had discussed so many details, I wanted a sort of timeline in story form. Something I could say "ok, it's done and we're moving on".

I think that's another poster... Can't remember who...

That was a pretty significant detail! How are you doing?

Not good. Been in bed most of yesterday and today. I asked 2him times about the extra condom and never got an answer.

I don't think I will ever get the whole truth so now I have to decide if I can live with that and move on.

I told him last night im giving myself one more year to be happy and it was his job to fill my needs to make that happen.

Im not in love with him at this point. I want to be but when I stop planning anything it just falls apart. I don't want to have a life where im "forcing" him to fill my needs.

Luvs:

I feel your pain. It sucks to be the one doing the pushing.

It doesn't sound to me like your H is working his side of the plan. I wonder, could you tell him that you need action on his part. Say ... every other week, you take turns leading a discussion about your ENs and EPs and how you're going to try to meet them in the coming week. THat puts him in the driver's seat and might start turning the tide on behavior, which will lead to renewed feelings of love.

It might also give you time to really plan out UA time, which we all know is so critical to building.

We wives are so used to doing all the planning. It's time to come up with a way to make him far more active in your recovery.

Just my thoughts,
Sweetpea

We cant even get through the books in one year without me pushing. We did HNHN first then found out we should have done LB's first. We were reading every night becuase I would bring it up we needed to go to bed early to read. I stopped bringing it up about a month ago and that was the last time we read.

NEED TO VENT -
I'm done unless he shows some progress. I'm NOT going to live day by day seeing if he really cares enough to make it work. I'm better than that.

I feel like I have been in plan A without the affair for almost a year now and I'm tired. My love bank is at zero and his is going down hill because I have stopped with his needs.

Maybe he was better off with his OW. She was the helpless type that ALWAYS asked for things. Maybe she would not get tired of asking.

Luvs:

Vent away, sister! I totally understand how you're feeling.

And he may not be worth it, in the end.

And are you absolutely sure there's no contact? I mean really, really sure? Apathy usually means spouse is still in fog, or in contact. Hmmmm.

That said, though, I'm pretty sure Marital or Pep would remind you that lobbing threats (you have one year or I'm out) is a LBer, and might counsel you to approach the issue with less anger and discover ways you two can shoulder the recovery burden together.

I know! You want to scream and throw up your hands. And it sucks that we BSs have to push the recovery agenda when it's NOT OUR FAULT OUR SPOUSES CHEATED.

Would it be worth a counseling session with someone from MBs? or a MB-friendly local counselor? Could you insist that he take the lead on starting something like this? Put the burden on him; make him the scheduler.

Just brainstorming here. But keep venting if you need to!

I'm as sure as can be about no contact. I have loggers, GPS, free to search the car at any time, search his cell at any time. Untill last week, we were both out of a job for 2 months so we were together 24/7. that being said you would have thought we would have had ALOT of UA time but not really.

It was not put in the way of a threat so I'm good there. I'm much more vocal on here :-)

I told him I wanted to do the online course so someone else would hold him accountable but coming up with the money with both of us out of work with no unemployment is hard.

We used all my 401k to live off of for those 2 months (I used most of it for a down payment on our house 2 years ago)and he only has about 900 in his so even that is not enough.

I did, I also sent him to unhappy's thread and he knows where mine is. I've even asked him to get a user name and ask questions on here but still no go.

feel like you are typing my feelings right now! i am sorry you are feeling this way. I completely understand how you feel.

I am having similar days recently, i think i am coming out of my own fog. or something with the moon......

you did say you needed more info and unfortunately you got more and i has triggered you in a way. i think this will fade. and now you are analyzing everything ( i would). But i would let him know this- it can be a very powerful statement to him. once you calm down you will see more clearly and tell him.

look at this way it all bad. its one two three four- its the first one was the one that shouldnt have happened. i know that really sound terrible. but its all terrible, what could be worse? hey you can say, at least im not chickadee if it helps you.

Lol, Dee, I would never say that.
I agree, it didnt really change things that much. I was already feeling like something else needed to be done and that was why I asked for all the info.

I feel like what Melody warns us about. My marriage is a crippled version of what it was post affair.

I do take the blame for not wanting to try to push the issue anymore but I'm just plain tired.

We are back to a few months before the affair. I had gotten tired of being room mates and stopped meeting his needs because mine were not met. I had even told him I could not go on being his room mate about a month before he started looking for someone else to meet his needs. I almost saw it coming but didnt know how to fix it.

Now I know how to fix his love bank and he knows how to fix mine. Only problem the knowlege is not doing me any good. I can make him love me more...... what about me?

I say that I'm done... then call and ask him for a dinner date.

you are venting- enjoy your dinner- take it one step at a time.

Ha- i am telling you that i am in the same hole.

It does help to vent though. I feel much better even if it does not help the recovery.