We gave you the plan for enforcing boundaries, mnmom. Please use them. I wager you can kill this affair in one day if you do. You don't ask him to end his affair, you DEMAND it.

Go TO the girls house and speak to her parents. Call your H's boss. Pay a visit to the girl. And inform your H his "relationship" is done.

This is really not a tough situation, mnmom. If you want to be closer to your H, then run her OFF.

Get in your car and go there like she said. Your H is playing with statuatory rape and this girls parents need to know she has a 38 year old man chasing her. Put the skids on this TODAY, mnmom. You have them by the balls. SQUEEEZE.

Please do it now. Take the children if you must. Why do you think he is counting the days???

You know the answer. Drop everything and expose to the parents.

Good luck,

Happyheart

I will work on figuring out where she lives. Since she works for him I really have no clue. In regards to telling his boss he would get fired. Is that a necessary evil, perhaps but I need to feed my kids so I will try talking with her myself---perhaps send her a text from his phone when he is sleeping. If that does not work I will make my presences much more known and unexpected at his work and see if I can find her address on Facebook or see if her parents have an account. I completely agree that this is NOT OKAY regardless if it is a simple friendship as he claims, no 17 year old needs to be buddy buddy with a 33 year old man- married or not. I remember being her age- granted I was already with my husband at that time- but girls want attention---and do not know any better. Am I nice to her, or very blunt and to the point?

Blunt and to the point. She'll be easily intimidated.

Track down her parents. Find a way.

Your WH is playing with jail time, mn.

You need to go to that little girl's house TODAY and meet with her parents! You need to meet with her as well, ideally with all three of them at once.

Does your WH know you have webcams installed? If so, you can't count on those to reveal true activities. He'll be 'playing for the cameras.'

He is the one that set them up so that when we leave the older children home alone we can check on them. You are right he probably does know exactly where to be. There is one in our bedroom, one in the living room and one in pointing to the front door.
I plan to deal with this after work today. He had me so convinced that I was overreacting and that I needed to allow him to have friends and to get over my trust issues that this whole thing has had me sick and confused and hurt for months. I am glad I came on here to get the support that I needed. I will work on this. Color me an idiot.

Yes, this needs to be killed in the workplace, mn. They cannot work together.

Be careful with this, mn. You're trying to cut corners on exposure, and that will likely backfire and cause them to go underground.

I know you're afraid, but you can't let fear drive you. You need to put that aside and tend to the business at hand - killing this nasty affair.

Did you try the website I gave you? www.intelius.com

Yes I did- I need her last name first. I am working on that. I have a "friend" at the place of business, I just sent her at text to get it. Perhaps I can get her parents names from that website. Thanks for the information.
Your right, I am terrified.

mn --

You are doing the right thing.
That "countdown" to 18 is really super creepy.
(does your husband have any idea what a creeper he is? ewwww)

Does this youngster have a facebook?
Does your husband?
Its a great source for exposure. You could probably easily find her family that way.

Came home from work and H had his phone unattended. I picked it up only to find it is now password protected. How do you get around that? I asked him why he would password protect his phone and he said he has to now for work due to an email...I asked for the password he said he can not give it to me. I told him I did not believe him. Then I asked him what would this girls parents think if they knew he was talking to her, he said they would not care, they have met him and think he is great. I said what if they knew about how much they were texting and when. He said "Oh, they probably would not like it". I said, well then perhaps I should tell them. He told me that would be mean. I said no different then what you are doing to me right now. He again stated he was doing nothing wrong. He said he would be a very bad choice on my part if I contacted her parents. I told him then he needs to stop texting her or I will. H said that he is texting her a lot less then he use to. I asked how 86 text messages while at work was a lot less! He just smiled and said "well at least I am not hiding it"...
Any idea around the password on the phone?

Are you reading our posts about how to address the problem? I don't see the point in continuing to give you advice if you aren't going to take it. IT is clear your H is having an affair. What you need to do is expose the affair to her parents and to their employer.

please don't allow yourself to get sidetracked by his fogged out statements. You already know he is having an affair and you know why he has to hide his phone from you. No reason to keep asking him. Just expose the affair and stop showing him your hand.

Here is our standard workplace exposure letter. I would fashion this to suit your needs and send it out to your H's boss, the OW's boss, a key VP and the director of Human Resources, ccing them ALL on the letter.

AND STOP THREATENING YOUR HUSBAND WITH EXPOSURE. All you do is forewarn him which harms your effectiveness.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Erika, do NOT threaten exposure, just DO IT! You have tipped your hand to your WH. He and OW will now pre-empt you. OW is going to go home and talk to her parents about the crazy wife of one of her co-workers who is a jealous lunatic, accusing her of being interested in her husband! They will immediately go underground in an end-run around you.

Please contact their employer immediately and inform them of this affair!

AND DON'T WARN ANYONE BEFORE YOU DO IT!

Unacceptable.

A man who has previously had an affair with a co-worker to smugly tell me he won't give me the password to the phone -- would find his clothes in garbage bags on the front steps, and the locks changed. I would not argue, fight, or negotiate.

Erika -- Why do you think you can TALK to him about your plans?
Why do you think you can REASON with him? He is addicted to the high he gets from this little girl.

Kill the affair. Have some boundries.

several.

toilet. flush.

drop. step on.

hammer. smash.

Is there a point you're trying to make, Lexxy?

Lexxy is so subtle! (love ya)

anyhow...let me paint you a picture of premature exposure.

What IF say back during the end of WWII, our top general called up Hitler and said, "Listen buster, if you DON'T STOP killing innocent people and overthrowing countries in Europe, we will send hundreds of thousands of troops over there next Tuesday and we'll land and storm the beach and take you down."

Do you think we would have won the war?

Can somebody plz link her to the art of war thread?

Sweetie, you DO NOT WARN of your actions. That removes the whole shock and awe of the exposure. It is WHAT PRECISELY kills the affair dead. He hopefully thinks you won't do it, since he's gotten away with it this long.

So kill this affair NOW. YOur kids depend on you to do this. A wayward CAN NEVER BE EDUCATED B/C THEY ARE ADDICTS. They are addicted to the stupid chemical high they get when around their affair skank or manho. You might as well try to explain quantum mechanics to an gorilla.

Seriously you cannot explain or educate an addict. They are simply unable to comprehend or get it.

YOU follow THIS plan if you want the way out of the affair and to work on rebuilding the marriage. The statistics state this plan WORKS. I know it does.

So why not do it full force? why not do what everybody here is suggesting to you?

We would not offer our help if we were not positively helped by MB in our own lives ok?

Okay, I am a chicken [censored]. I am living in denial. I warned him hoping he would believe me with out actually doing it. The reason for this. 8 years ago I blew his affair (very similar to this one) out of the water. I told his boss, her parents (she was 19), his parents, family, friends- EVERYONE. It cost him his job, her parents hated it, but let him move in with them anyway, I lost friends and his parents told me that I deserved it. After all that he was still gone for a year, and that was one of the hardest things for him to let go. I guess I am scared to do it again. My H lashed out so badly last time when I did that my son (who was 6 at the time) still remembers it. I guess I am trying to decide what is the lesser of two evils, put my kids through a divorce, or risk repeated exposure to the truama of years past. I know you are probably thinking, why oh why did I even come on here. I wanted to know if I was justified in my thinking. I want it to stop. Now I need to decide how badly I want to keep my marriage. I feel so alone. So hurt. So abandoned. I feel alone in my very full house. How did I let this happen AGAIN?!? Do it to me once shame on you, do it to me again, shame on me. What am I doing wrong. These are things I have to figure out. I wish I did not.

mnmom, exposure did not cause your previous trouble, your husband's affair did. Exposure did not cost him his job, his AFFAIR DID. You are blaming the wrong thing. Exposure does not always work, but if anything can kill this affair and save your marriage, it will be exposure. It is the most potent weapon you have.

Keeping the affair a secret is the most likely thing to destroy your marriage because you are ENABLING the affair. There is nothing we can do for you if you insist on enabling the affair. Nothing we tell you to do can overcome the destruction of your enabling.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, then you should expose it.