I'm totally screwing up the quoting mechanism. drat! I'm usually not this technologically bad!

I like this. This could turn into a very comforting, bonding experience for the two of you.

Sorry - I'm not laughing AT you sweetpea, but I had to laugh at this. Such an eloquent, straight-to-the-point way to get your thought across!

Don't forget, both you and LD: the person doing those despicable things was not your husband. It was a fog-addled wayward alien. Never overestimate the integrity of a wayward. They don't have integrity when they're wayward.

How about this suggestion/idea? .... You both write this:

Date 2011 That was then .... (describe yourself)
Date 2011 This is now .... (describe yourself today)
Date 2012 This is our future .... (describe your hopes and dreams as a couple)

Yes, friends help and a glass of wine doesn't hurt either.

Right after the FINAL d day we planned a weekend alone and it helped alot. Since we don't have kids at home I think that is a good time for a 2 week vacation from right before christmas to after our anniversary on 6th. Those are the days that hurt the most and I think being away will help keep my mind off it.

Just me and him in a deserted cabin in the mountains. Worked the first time so I like that plan.

This LINK is to a notable post by Schoolbus. I like to call it "The List".

I love it.
Sharing with you all in recovery.
Just because I like you all.

Thanks marital! it truly was alien behavior. he's really one of the most generous men i know. but that's what was going through my mind as I recalled the incident. LOL!

That is a lovely story. I really identified with the part of her FWH thinking none of his work for that year had mattered. My FMH has had moments of despair that I wouldn't get past the pain. We had an argument one day and I said: Well, if behaving like a good husband is so hard, if becoming a man of your word is such a burden, then maybe we shouldn't be married. He said it was a cold splash of water in his face, because he said he LOVES being a man of his word, hated being duplicitous. That doing right and maintaining our marriage is who he really is. So ... i do think I need to think more about reminding him of his alien month and a-half.

I think you are right. I think I will just tell him that I'm thinking about these dates as they approach and I'd like us both to reflect on them. If he only writes about moving forward, that's probably best. If these dates mean nothing to him, that's probably great. If they mean something to me (pain), then hopefully he and i will figure out together how to minimize them -- together -- over the years.

agreed!

This sounds wonderful!

Lovely story.
Thanks for sharing.
Now I know that you know ... how to turn grieving into a positive force.

It's been such a L.O.N.G. time for us in recovery. Let me think of an example.
Father's Day. This was the weekend WH went from EA to PA.
That was in 1994 !!!!
I don't ever think of Mr Pep's A on Father's Day. Haven't for years. Especially this year, I was thinking about my Dad.

Anyway .... you'll be fine.





Pep (currently 62 eff'en years old)

Some times I swear I am sabotaging myself.

So ... this weekend, I'm up early as I usually am. A friend who we visited on vacation recently asked me to send her pictures of our adventure. There were a lot, and I sent them individually by email. Doing this rather routinely, almost in a daze.

And, as I often am in the early morning hours, I'm thinking about my FWH's affair last year and obsessing about the POSOW.

Then, before I know it, I type the wrong letter into the email address spot and the POSOW's email address "pops" into the email address by the autofill function in Outlook (FWH sent exactly ONE email from our home; the NC letter). Before I realize her address is in the field, I've hit "send."

I immediately panic. Try stopping the email in the outbox. No go. Try unlinking the internet connection. No go. Break out into a cold sweat.

I immediately go upstairs to our bedroom where my FWH is sleeping in, crawl into bed, shaking.

He reassures me that she won't contact us ... or him at work, but that if she does, he'll tell me right away.

Felt like such an idiot!!!!

After I calmed down, I went back downstairs and deleted every single email address in the auto-fill option that begins with her email address. Hoping she's gone, gone, gone forever.

Anyone else do something so incredibly stupid?!?!?!?!

No, not by accident. I have done alot of stupid things involving OW on purpose.

Do you have a keylogger on that computer? just in case?

AM

AM: I'm laughing at the thought of being able to do stupid things on purpose to other woman! Keylogger? Nope. But I will if I get suspicious. He used his cell and work computer, and I have access to his cell, and access to his work email now (though he did most of his corresponding through a hotmail account; so if he really wants to hide it again, he could from work).

He's been working the MB system since D-Day, and I've encountered zero reasons to make me suspicious. But I have no qualms about installing should I feel the need.

Weird day. We're breaking one of the EPs tonight: sleeping apart. I'm driving to my hometown 3.5 hours away to attend a small service to bury the ashes of my mother and grandmother. (They died years apart, but we just recently decided to bury my mother's ashes with my grandmother's).

We tried to coordinate it with my relatives so that my husband could attend, but we all have such different schedules, and my stepdad was pressuring us to get it done before winter.

And to boot, FWH is attending a meeting after work tonight of a professional group that counts as continuing education for his profession, which includes cocktails, dinner and meeting. But after THAT, he has to attend an open house for DS17 and a following meeting about college tuition, scholarships and applications. We have the DSs tonight (shared custody), and he'll be home with them after the meetings.

We've talked a lot about both. I KNOW after ALL the work we've done together with this program and our ICs, I should have more confidence, particularly given what's on his plate tonight for DSs, too.

But ... as the BS, I'm still wary. I know I should be.

So, I know I probably shouldn't have agreed to the ashes ceremony if it meant a night apart, but aren't there circumstances -- ever? -- that call for accommodations if you feel like you're on track?

Just wondering.

Sweetpea, My FWH and I have discussed this issue as well, considering he has three and a half years before he can retire from his current career and is very likely to have at least a little bit of business travel we will need to negotiate our way through. So far I've been able to attend with him. (We just pay for my portion, which gets pricey, but it sure does bring peace of mind.)

He says he never wants to spend another night apart, but I wonder whether that's possible, because of situations that you talk about in your post. What if something comes up with family that requires the presence of one or both of us and the other simply can't get away?

You know that gut feeling you get when you know something is off? I always listen to that.

If a separation simply can't be avoided, then stay in touch with each other by Skyping, telephone, texting, FBing, whatever it takes to keep each other feeling safe.

I think we really need to question letting the EPs slip when we feel like we're on the right track. That's often how an A begins in the first place--the feeling that we're safe and so we can begin to let things slip a little here and there. That's why I agreed to a long separation (deployment) and that's how I ended up with a WH--thankfully now a FWH. I felt safe and my H figured I wouldn't be looking.

With your H's work function, can he sit next to someone you know and trust will keep him accountable?

Finally, if you really don't want to be separated, just give your response for the ceremony and say you had a change of plans and can't attend after all.

51CD30:

Thanks for your thoughts.

We are extremely strong right now. When I think about tonight and being apart, I absolutely know the risks are extremely low if nonexistent. FWH's affairs were always conducted under "party animal mode," not business. Plus he's got the school meeting AND has to wrangle the boys once he gets home from that. There's like a 1% chance that he'd encounter anyone to tempt him at the two meetings he's going to, and I believe -- right now, anyway -- that his weaknesses (warning signs) are top of mind and he'll use his newfound knowledge to be the man of integrity he's become.

I think this is really about me. I guess I'm still fragile in some areas. And it doesn't help that ANTIversary day of his screwing the POSOW is on Saturday AND that I accidentally emailed her a few weeks ago (no contact, THANK GOD!!!!)

Seems like with my email mistake, one of his rare solo evenings out, sleeping apart AND ANTIversary on Saturday, I feel like the fates are aligning against me.

FYI: I AM working toward taking back ANTIversary. WE've got a full day of recreation together (no kids) planned, including an Oktoberfest Brat Trot with our dog, a movie at a film festival, probably dinner out and maybe even dancing with some friends.

I've asked him to help me through the tough days ahead, and he wholeheartedly said he would.

So, I should be looking AHEAD, right? right!