After 17 years marriage, fighting, disrespecting, less caring, at this month, my husband (45) ask for divorce or try the last effort.

I (45) am happy he would like talk this now, & recommand this web, & bought the books to read together. we're so disappointed & exhausted each other, but I still love him & he said he love me. hope we could improve the skill to get more closer.

But yesterday (9/21), he come back earlly & told me he had affair with another woman (they work at same office). I had this feeling early of this year, the woman didn't accept him & moved to other state with her 2 kids last month, but he said he's deeply love her, respect her, (because she need support 2 kids by herself) his heart go with her, he even thought go there to take care them & leave me & our child (14). he say he doesn't love me now.

I always trust him, I never thought this will happen to me, I listen, even didn't cry, but my heart is broken, is bleeding, first time I couldn't sleep all night.

I let him make decision, stay or leave?

Now, everything is different for me. Please tell me what should I do? should I talk to him, should I still take care of him, prepare food, make coffee for him? should I bleive him?

Thanks for any support.

I am sorry you are going through this. I really dont have much advice to give, because I am going through this right now as well. Just letting you know that what you are definitely not alone.

Heart,

So sorry to find yourself in this position, I really am. It is one of the hardest things you will ever go through.

Right now, your husband is in withdrawal from him affair. It does not mean that the two of you can't build a new relationship that is even better: better than what you had before, and better than the affair!

First things first: what did your husband say when you asked him for a decision - stay or leave?

Understand that his feelings may "be with" the other woman right now. Yet, it does not have to remain that way. Much of that depends on some choices you make from here on out. I can't tell you the # of times my husband told me he didn't love me anymore - that it was completely over - we didn't stand a chance, etc... He sings a very different tune now! None of that was possible as long as he was involved with someone else, but when he made the decision to recommit to our marriage and do everything possible to make it exceptional - the actions we took - together - brought all the feelings of love back, and then some.

Your husband's affair was not a real relationship that would stand the test of time. It was an addictive high that came from fantasyland. That kind of thing can never match a REAL marriage if the two of you choose to do the right things to repair what you have.

In order to do so, your husband must break off total contact with that woman, first and foremost! He must do that AND commit to a recovery plan - where the two of you can repair your marriage within a safe context of total transparency on his part so you can heal from his infidelity.

What have you read on the subject of marriage and infidelity?

Start by reading all the concepts on this site. Order the book Surviving an Affair. Get your hands on it ASAP and it will give you some very important things to do.

As to whether or not your make his food and try to be a good wife... well, that depends on what you've done up until now and where his head is at.

More information would be greatly helpful in allowing us to help you!

(((((HUGS!))))))))

Hi, SunnyDinTX

He said he need time to think stay or leave, but also, he told me he love her so much, not love me. I feel so bad when he said "I love her, at this point, I feel sorry to you", but the way he said that, I didn't feel any sorry from his heart.

I read his need & her need, it's too later for me, I watched all the video except Infidelity, I thought it's not belong to me, untill today I go over all of these.

Now, we sleep in different room, we don't have any other place could stay, should I take care his need at this waiting period?

I trust him & love him so much even he didn't show his care, but this time, he totally destroy my confidence, I don't know should I stay or leave.

I have to face this all by myself, I have to hold my tear because I don't want to upset my daught & my mother.

Thank you for your help.

I got the same thing, Heart, from my husband: that he felt bad for me but didn't love me, etc... It is what all people that have affairs say. The affair is an addiction and they "love" their drug!!

Do you know about Plan A? Have you read about that here on this site? If you understand the concept - being the best wife you can be for a very short period of time - do you think you have done that already? If so, for how long have you done so?

I can understand your wanting to wait to tell your family about everything, but suffering in silence is definitely not the answer. You need to expose the truth of what's happening so it #1: breaks the fantasy of the affair and #2: provides you with the support you need from those that love you. Of course, all of that depends on the types of relationships you have with those around you.

How mature is your daughter for her age?

If you have NOT done Plan A yet, you will want to take a few weeks to be the best you can be. Don't mope - don't walk around depressed; look good, act happy, do things for yourself, and yes - cook some meals and all of that. (But no sex - there's no telling - he could've caught an STD!)

If you have already been in Plan A and he won't commit to no contact with this woman and a recovery plan with you, it's time to protect yourself and go to Plan B.

You need to expose this affair and bust up the fantasy by telling people about it - not for the sake of revenge, but so the affair blows up and over!

Expose to everybody you know who can influence your husband to end the affair and support you in your efforts.

DO NOT WARN him - just do it - all in one day.

Can you get OWs contact details so you can expose to her friends and family at the same time? I doubt she will want him to come out and 'take care of them' once everyone knows what shes been up to.

He sees himself as her knight in shining armour. But once all his horrified friends point out that shes a skank, it can have a great effect on popping tht fantasy.

This is part of plan A. Plan A involves being the best spouse you can be - reasonable and pleasant - but firm.

When he gets angry about your exposure you say 'I did it to save our marriage. Now how about dinner?' You dont let it rattle you and you meet his needs regardless.

After one night he read the book, (I told him that is what I followed, he need cut connection first) he told me he can't do it, because this affair is one side, the women didn't accpet, ask him go back to home, & move to other state with 2 kids, so he hurt her life, it's his responsblity to care & help them untill she has a good life. one word, his heart is not here.

Also, I didn't want to talk to him, & he said when he come back, find this cold surrounding, this is not he want.

what should I do, looks like everything is my fault, & I need do everything to help him. not like other affair I read here, he doesn't care our marriage, even divorce.

Maybe this weekend I should give him a warm famly life, should I?

Maybe I jump too fast, I 'll do what you said, be the good wife, a warm surrounding.

But he told me he can't cut connection with her, it's one side affair, the women ask him go back to me, even move to other state, so he respect her more, & want to, have to take care them, because he disturb her life. he didn't feel guilty but honor.

My daughter is 14, very senstive age, she didn't talk, but she come to me, hug me, ask me you ok?

Could you please give any suggestion for the following weekend?
The day is so long, the time is so slow

The woman did not want to have an affair with him?! Is he just in love with her and practically stalking her? Or did they have an an affair and she broke it off because he was married?

Did you search in his computer and phone and work papers, if you find some evidence wat has really been going on?

Yes, you should be as nice to him as you can be, look good, nice meal, affection, a little fun and don't react to him if he tries to fight with you.

Do you have any evidence? If not, try to find something so you can tell his family to influence him that an affair is bad.

God bless you,

Happyheart

First of all, your husband does not follow the plans, you do � it is best he not know anything about what you plan to do until you do it. Tell him nothing and keep him guessing.

Secondly if a wayward�s lips are moving, he is lying. If he is saying anything to protect OWs reputation (such as saying everything is one-sided) he is definitely lying.

She may have left, but it was probably a �come chase me� bid to get him to follow. You say she had an affair with him, so she has zero morals, and needs to be exposed, even if she has now left him.

He definitely needs to be exposed, because he is actively trying to pursue this affair and follow her. They both need a wake up call from their loved ones.

The whole �Im only here for honour� business is rubbish. He wants you both, and he wants his affair kept secret. Expose!

What evidence do you have of an affair....

Heart, this is NOT your fault. Do not blame yourself, incurring shame that will keep you from doing what you need to do here.

Sure, you may not have been perfect in your marriage. Most of us aren't and don't have the tools to know what we need to do to make our relationships what they should be until finding the right principles - the one MarriageBuilders provides. However, most of what your husband is probably telling you is just justifications for what he has done. You wouldn't believe all the things my husband said to me: how "awful" I had supposedly been - when he was having his affair. Everything was my fault. This is typical. Don't let it throw you. Unfaithful spouses will say anything to support their fantasy. It doesn't make it true. They rewrite history.

If you are going to do plan A then yes, you do need to make some changes. There's no doubt that you will probably need to show him that you can change. I had to do that. I had to look inside myself and make myself a person that I could respect. I needed to stop being depressed. I needed to be more upbeat and energetic. I needed to do something with my life other than stay home living vicariously through my children. I made changes for me, began to love and respect myself, and my husband took notice. You do these things for yourself...not to win him back, but it can't help but make you more attractive.

You mention respect several times here - that your husband "respects" the OW. He feels "honorable" (and he shouldn't!) for wanting to meet her needs. What about the needs of HIS WIFE? What about the needs of HIS DAUGHTER who is best served by having two parents in a loving relationship?!!!

Stop listening to him romanticize about OW and remind him he has a daughter who should be more important to him than some woman and kids who have moved states to get away from him - in his words!

Respect IS key in relationships, as much as love, in my opinion. You need to start acting in self-respecting ways so your husband takes notice.

Sure, I'll try normal first, like nothing happen before, but he already told me he can't cut connection with her, he think I could take care my daughter by myself, I don't know how long it can last.

heart - you havent mentioned anything about exposure or your proof - where are you up to with this? This is URGENT.

I saw on the notable post section that you are planning on emailing a post to your WH?! Why? PLEASE do not try to reason with a wayward - it will get you nowhere and actively hinder you.

No more talk - he as already given you your answer - he wants to carry on being selfish, while making you think its your fault!

He also shouldnt know about this site while you are snooping and planning to expose - can he see this thread?

I don't have proof, anything is he tell me, at this point, he is honest.

I try anything I can before exposure, I don't want to do that. if I have to, I know it is almost end.

But I don't know what I can try, even he stay, but still need call & care that women, and since his heart is not here, how could we rebuild marriage like Dr Harley request? it's just waste another 4 year untill my daughter grow up?

Honest? Oh so he told you he was falling in love with another woman and about all their interactions, each time they met, immediately afterards?

He will continue to lie to you, and dangle you to keep you from action.

Exposure is an essential part of Dr H's plan, you cant skip it.

It is simply telling the truth - nothing more. I have done it. It is not drastic.

Even if he begged you to forgive him and told you he loved you completely and no one else, exposure still needs to be done for recovery to be complete.

Have you read about exposure?

If you dont want to follow Dr H's plan - what are you doing here?

It is the end because you are not taking action. You are in Plan 'dont know what to do' which is a sure fire route to divorce and extreme mental anguish.

What action do you propose you take if not Dr H's plan for killing an affair?

Please wake up and smell the coffe heart.

He loves you because you fill some needs. He is addicted to OW becasue she fills others.

If you let him, he will carry on seeing you both, forever. Hurting you, forever. He will tell you (and himself) it is he is torn between honour vs love - but that is a lie.

He will not give her up because you have asked him to - addicts dont do that.

But if all the people in his life intervene and help STOP this, there is a chance.

You need exposure for that. Exposure will help him see that he is ashamed of this tawdry mess. Right now he is not ashamed, he has romanticised it. Show him how ugly people will find it.

He will be angry at you. That is ok though.

I will find the link about exposure for you.

Exposure is an essential part of Plan A. Plan A is not about 'acting normal like nothing ever happened' You tell people you want help saving your marriage from a dangerous enemy. You tell him if he carries on like this he is facing a nasty divorce.

You show your husband that you are calm, wonderful and loving - but that you are also firm and will not accept his continued adultery.

You tell your husband that you have exposed because you are intent on saving your marriage.

Do you have a better idea?

not detail, looks like one side affair so far, but if he keep doing, I don't know

he doesn't care if I expoure

if he stay is for my daugther, & keep telling me his heart is not here

he even didn't ask for forgive, just simply said, I'm sorry to hurt you.

Heart,

I am sorry you are here. I believe he is not telling you the truth. He will care very much when you expose him. Many wayward spouses say this.

Tell him if he is truly sorry, he will stop immediately.

May I ask where you and your husband are from originally (country of natural origin)?

CV

He does care. But you should not warning, threatening, pleading or debating with him.

Everything you SAY - will get a 'dont care' response.

But when you DO something - things will start to happen.

If he doesnt care - what do you have to lose?

We have all been in this terrible position, where a formerly tuthful and honest person says terrible things.

He will continue to say terrible, untrue things.

We dont want you to waste your time, and heart on somthing that will not work

Exposure will.

Dont talk, act.