|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 361
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 361 |
Oops, make that and have WW get back to the man who truly loves her?
Hope THAT makes sense. D'oh!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
LOL sweetpea! Yes, I understand what you're saying and totally agree. Bill, can you ask Carol to be clear to WW that their friendship cannot withstand an affair? Would she be willing to do that?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289 |
It sounds like WW is missing this part of her 'old' life and sent out a feeler to Carol. Yes it sounds like the old adage about how horrible it was at home with all the chores to do, the dishes to wash, taking out the trash, Oh it was just horrible! Then you start to realize just how good you had it, and miss the lifestyle, that you had somehow come to hate. LOL.....oh I'm sure she misses some of the "old life".....I can count on 1 hand the amount of times my Wife did dishes in 12 years of Marriage! I DID THE DISHES!!...I DID THE COOKING!!!.....and on the other hand I can count the number of times she took out the trash!! I DID IT!!! Terrible life......you'd have to agree how abused she was...  Your WW does not know what spirit she is of ATM, and a calm reminder that she is wrong, and is disrespecting herself and all that is given for her protection and health, would be good news for her, even if she does not want to hear it.
Praying she will hear it Bill I Pray for her and my DD every day!! Thanks Just had to add that my xwh, Darth, also tried to reconnect with our pre-divorce friends also and was SHUNNED by them. She is trying to get the friends to ACCEPT the affair partner, and of course real friends WILL NOT.
So she will learn a boundary. I am not sure if she is pining away for her old life. She may be by now (prob a little bit), but when you're knee deep in fog (or something else that's stinky)you just are that way, stupidly fogged out. And in that state, she is wanting to gain acceptance for her affair.
She doesn't like being shunned by your "couple" friends. She misses that and what she had (legitimacy) and is seeking that now with the former friends. I couldn't agree more!.......WW is "fishing".....that's why she texted Carol instead of Tom......Tom would have been tough love from the start!......Carol wants to "fish" back. My WW is in deep!.....she just isn't quite aware yet what stinky stuff she's in! She's trying to find if ANYONE is one her side. Bill, can you ask Carol to be clear to WW that their friendship cannot withstand an affair? Would she be willing to do that? Carol and Tom are on board!! They are FULLY WILLING to do that. Carol was trying to draw WW out first.....nothing back to Carol from WW as of today.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Carol and Tom are on board!!
They are FULLY WILLING to do that.
Carol was trying to draw WW out first.....nothing back to Carol from WW as of today. Good deal!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Bill, how's it going buddy?
CV
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235 |
Hey bill how ya doin today...thinking about ya
Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
Almost done
Former Tryingtofeelgood
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289 |
Yesterday.....I had dinner with my Beautiful DD.....it was wonderful.
She seems to be doing emotionally OK.
DD mentioned "I never thought I'd have to go through another divorce".
I replied "If it was up to me alone, you wouldn't be going through THIS separation, but I need your Mom to participate, not ignore me."
DD replied "You gotta move on Dad."
HOW DO I FIGHT THAT?!?!
My Wife has convinced our DD that it's over......how do I fight that?
My Wife won't even communicate with me?.....how do I fight that?
I am the ONLY one who wants to get to recovery.....and I CANNOT do it by myself.
Technically my WW has pushed us into Plan B......and I am powerless to change it or to influence her mind and thoughts.
9/20 was my Birthday....and I just felt so alone. It was a bad day......NOTHING from my Wife.
DD sent me a text message, not even a card or call......just a "Happy Birthday" text message.....THAT was kinda rude.
I received other texts from my MIL.....so at least it was something.
The local Family that I have had for 15 years is now gone.....because it's the WW's Family.....and I'm alone.
The Wife is still so mad about exposure that she is DRIVEN to punish me by ignoring me...(she lives outside the home)...I've sent cards, texts, letters......all get ignored.
Bottom line: I'm being punished for exposing her, for showing our world that she's a fraud, for showing the world that she's NOT the good wife they all thought she was.
As for any remorse....it was brief....UNTIL she found out about the exposure.
From that point on....I became the enemy in her eyes.
The Woman I fell in Love with....the Wife I married.....is gone.
What's left?.....a childish, immature shell of a woman who is so insecure about her damaged public facade that she will throw away the man who dedicated over 15 years to her and her daughter!!!
And I'm alone......with the remnants of my own DEEP LOVE for the woman I used to know.....but THAT woman is gone.....and THIS woman is just COLD.
It's like trying to reason with a 16 year old who has an attitude!!!!
IMPOSSIBLE!!!
I pray every day for God to open the eyes and heart of my WW.....or give me someone to Love and to Love me.
I'm told to wait.
I'm not good at that.......and I'm alone.
Not my best week.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235 |
Ok sorry I asked................................................................................................................
Wait a minute no I'm not....where do I start, your 23 yo daughter is a 23 yo daughter....how long has she been married, exactly my point. When we r young we date, wehe we get tired we throw that one away and guess what another date falls in our lap. So I would say that is what she knows....chances r she has never given her heart, soul, blood sweat tears, and put another individual infront of herself....so the move on thing from her..maybe take it for what it's worth.
The text on your birthday thing, ok I don't know how to get a 54 yo man to understand this...I am only 40, I didn't mean it that way, I am not sitting at a computer right now, I am typing you on my phone. It really is how things are done. I get cards from my mom! My ww sends cards, I send texts, most of the time.....hate to say it, if she sent cards in the past it was cause she was reminded to or bought for her.
Bill, what are you doing for yourself.....I really want to know
You are not alone, I. Can say that but I know exactly how you feel
It sucks plain and simple.
I need humor to get by......my friends think I am starting to crack, cause I can sometimes laugh at my sich. Sometimes they even make me laugh! But my sich. Is so f*ed up you could write a sitcom on it.....maybe we are in hopeless situations, but maybe we r not, what's important is our journey to the other side. How are u gonna make that journey.(now I sound like the gay one)
Think about it......you got to have dinner w your D. That is at least a baby step
Remember, lots of us here, and we consider u one of us. U r not alone
Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
Almost done
Former Tryingtofeelgood
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 235 |
Someones quote
Live, Laugh, Love.
Great words to live by
Me: BH 40
WW 39
S13, D9
Married 15 yrs together 19!!!
D Day July 11,2011
WW in P.A. with OW
WW wants D
Almost done
Former Tryingtofeelgood
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Yesterday.....I had dinner with my Beautiful DD.....it was wonderful.
She seems to be doing emotionally OK.
DD mentioned "I never thought I'd have to go through another divorce".
I replied "If it was up to me alone, you wouldn't be going through THIS separation, but I need your Mom to participate, not ignore me."
DD replied "You gotta move on Dad."
HOW DO I FIGHT THAT?!?!
Through careful and persistent explanation of why you want your WW to stop. By making this bigger than yourself. It's not about recovering what Bill wants, it's about doing what is best for your wife because you love her, care for her and cherish her and that you need her help, because if she loves mom, she will help however she can.
My Wife has convinced our DD that it's over......how do I fight that?
My Wife won't even communicate with me?.....how do I fight that?
By doing what I suggested above.
I am the ONLY one who wants to get to recovery.....and I CANNOT do it by myself.
You're right. You cannot recover the marriage like this. *BUT*, if you can get DD on board, you might be able to get things to change.
Technically my WW has pushed us into Plan B......and I am powerless to change it or to influence her mind and thoughts.
9/20 was my Birthday....and I just felt so alone. It was a bad day......NOTHING from my Wife.
DD sent me a text message, not even a card or call......just a "Happy Birthday" text message.....THAT was kinda rude.
I received other texts from my MIL.....so at least it was something.
The local Family that I have had for 15 years is now gone.....because it's the WW's Family.....and I'm alone.
No one is willing to help at all?
It's like trying to reason with a 16 year old who has an attitude!!!!
IMPOSSIBLE!!!
You are right! It is like dealing with an angry teenager. How do you handle an angry and out of control teenager?
Hang in there man. We are here to help
CV
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289 |
Yesterday.....I had dinner with my Beautiful DD.....it was wonderful.
She seems to be doing emotionally OK.
DD mentioned "I never thought I'd have to go through another divorce".
I replied "If it was up to me alone, you wouldn't be going through THIS separation, but I need your Mom to participate, not ignore me."
DD replied "You gotta move on Dad."
HOW DO I FIGHT THAT?!?!
Through careful and persistent explanation of why you want your WW to stop. By making this bigger than yourself. It's not about recovering what Bill wants, it's about doing what is best for your wife because you love her, care for her and cherish her and that you need her help, because if she loves mom, she will help however she can.
Maybe that's the best approach.
My Wife has convinced our DD that it's over......how do I fight that?
My Wife won't even communicate with me?.....how do I fight that?
By doing what I suggested above.
I am the ONLY one who wants to get to recovery.....and I CANNOT do it by myself.
You're right. You cannot recover the marriage like this. *BUT*, if you can get DD on board, you might be able to get things to change.
Technically my WW has pushed us into Plan B......and I am powerless to change it or to influence her mind and thoughts.
9/20 was my Birthday....and I just felt so alone. It was a bad day......NOTHING from my Wife.
DD sent me a text message, not even a card or call......just a "Happy Birthday" text message.....THAT was kinda rude.
I received other texts from my MIL.....so at least it was something.
The local Family that I have had for 15 years is now gone.....because it's the WW's Family.....and I'm alone.
No one is willing to help at all?
WW's family is VERY passive and non-confrontational.....if it's "uncomfortable" they just don't deal with it.
My In-laws know what the best pathway is, they've told me so!....but they won't risk too much emotional capital trying to convince their daughter to recover the marriage. They told her once what they thought was the best path, recovery, but won't push the issue any further.
And I've been TOTALLY HONEST with the In-laws about my wishes and efforts I'm willing to go through to achieve recovery.
It's like trying to reason with a 16 year old who has an attitude!!!!
IMPOSSIBLE!!!
You are right! It is like dealing with an angry teenager. How do you handle an angry and out of control teenager?
TELL ME HOW!!
Hang in there man. We are here to help
CV If my Wife wants NOTHING to do with me......won't talk to me.....NOTHING!......are we in Plan B? Is a Plan B letter effective AFTER she cuts off communication? I am FRUSTRATED !! Additional words from my DD's lips last night during dinner: "Don't worry about Mom, she's out there finding the things that are going to make her happy." I replied "Things and activities don't make you happy, you have find happiness inside of you FIRST." I think she was just trying to reinforce her Mom in her OWN MIND.
Last edited by BillCarolina; 09/24/11 11:45 AM.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289 |
.......your 23 yo daughter is a 23 yo daughter....how long has she been married, exactly my point. When we r young we date, we get tired we throw that one away and guess what another date falls in our lap. So I would say that is what she knows....chances r she has never given her heart, soul, blood sweat tears, and put another individual infront of herself....so the move on thing from her..maybe take it for what it's worth. You're exactly right....I heard her talk about her boyfriend last night....and her words sounded like she was still in High School......but here was this stunning 23 year old woman in front of me (Yes! Dad is REAL PROUD of her! I would love to post a picture of her and show you how lovely she is but probably not a good idea) and her concept of relationship is still so juvenile. No...I don't think that she really understands what is involved in adult relationships yet......maybe my WW doesn't either.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Maybe that's the best approach.
I think at this point it is the only one available to you.
WW's family is VERY passive and non-confrontational.....if it's "uncomfortable" they just don't deal with it.
My In-laws know what the best pathway is, they've told me so!....but they won't risk too much emotional capital trying to convince their daughter to recover the marriage. They told her once what they thought was the best path, recovery, but won't push the issue any further.
And I've been TOTALLY HONEST with the In-laws about my wishes and efforts I'm willing to go through to achieve recovery.
What about another sit down with them asking them point blank to help you achieve recovery of your marriage. My in-laws are like this too. Don't rock any boat for fear of getting wet. Even if the water's only ankle deep. Maybe a firm but gentle approach with them a second (or third) time would work.
You are right! It is like dealing with an angry teenager. How do you handle an angry and out of control teenager?
TELL ME HOW!!
Ok. You have a 23 year old daughter and have been raising her for most of her life. How did you deal with her tantrums and fits? How did your wife deal with them? What was effective? DD is a product of you and your W. Whatever worked with her will likely strike a chord with W as well. I think if you reflected a bit on it, you may have an answer or two.
If my Wife wants NOTHING to do with me......won't talk to me.....NOTHING!......are we in Plan B?
Is a Plan B letter effective AFTER she cuts off communication?
I am FRUSTRATED !!
Additional words from my DD's lips last night during dinner:
"Don't worry about Mom, she's out there finding the things that are going to make her happy."
I replied "Things and activities don't make you happy, you have find happiness inside of you FIRST."
This is true. BUT!!!! She doesn't even know where to look. being wayward means they are lost. It means that they have wandered down another path and cannot find their way back.
I think she was just trying to reinforce her Mom in her OWN MIND.
Most likely. Do you have a restraining order or protective order against you preventing you from heading over to her (FWW) apartment? Meet her there after work. Tell her when you get there you need to talk to her about your divorce. If she will talk, use it as an opportunity to set things out on the table. If you could rally some support in the form of a letter from your IL's and DD, then you have even more ammo when you do this. CV
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
Bill, your daughter gave you advice from the information she has at her disposal. "Move on, Dad," is not "Get Lost, Creep," She is giving you her advice for what she sees as your best interest. For doing that she deserves praise, not resentment.
Look, let's assume that she believes that WW is so far into infidelity skank-hood that she is NOT going to return to your marriage. What would you have her say - "Hang in there, Dad, chewing up your liver while Mom continues to live her glorious new life"?
You make the point that one person cannot recover a marriage. While you mouth (or, actually, type) the words, I believe your daughter more clearly comprehends the substance. YOU ARE SUCH A "ONE PERSON"! WW at this time does not have any intention of honoring the vows she made before God and your families (hence my allusion to skank-hood). A WS so far withdrawn as not even willing to communicate is putting her own Plan B in place; whatever you choose to do is arranging the deck chairs on the sinking ship that was once your union.
BUT....the Plan B letter itself is important, because of the CC: list you will include on it. Yes, WW and you seemingly have paths that do not align. For your own reputation (and I'm most directly addressing the 23 year-old in your life), you should:
"lay before mankind the common sense of the subject, in terms so clear as to command their assent" - Ken Howard as Thomas Jefferson in 1776
So, Plan B until you feel your humanity dwindling, then Plan D.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 289 |
...the Plan B letter itself is important, because of the CC: list you will include on it. Sorry.....CC means what? I didn't see it on the acronym list......and today is not my best "thinking" day.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
Bill, your daughter gave you advice from the information she has at her disposal. "Move on, Dad," is not "Get Lost, Creep," She is giving you her advice for what she sees as your best interest. For doing that she deserves praise, not resentment.. Also remember Bill, she really can't handle this very well, "move on" could just as well mean, "you have to figure it out Dad" Don't forget, this girl is looking to you for strength, and does not want to be giving out advice or holding your hand. Take that as a compliment that you have been at least that effective and that she is not in the habit of worrying about you. Keep it as simple as possible for her and stay as positive as you can. Simple texts to her daily of simple "I Love you"'s and general chit chat might help her, which I know you want, to come to you later when things get tough in her life. She knows you will allways be there for her. She will lean towards the strongest, which is you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870 |
Yeah get that plan B letter out
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428 |
Bill, so sorry you have had a rough week. But I agree with other posters, focus on the positive, you got to enjoy dinner with DD. And also, a belated  from all of us at MB cheering for you! Bill, sounds to me as though YOU need Plan B. I was in similar situation in that WH was reducing contact prior to my Plan B, I think it was too difficult for him to face me and easier to compartmentalize by avoiding me. Talking with me made it more difficult for him to suppress his feelings for me, and his shame. Regardless, I clearly needed Plan B and the Plan B letter is a necessity regardless of whether your WS has ceased contact. Plan B is more then just no contact; it is the path the WS needs to follow should they ever wish to return to the light, it gives the directions they need to follow to reach that light. I think if you decide to enter Plan B you might want to share the conditions with DD after you have given letter to WW... but I'm still learning so check what others think. My b'day is this week Bill, and I am dreading it TBH, even though I am having dinner out with friends / family. I expect there will be a big vent on my thread in the next few days, LOL! But hey, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to 
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428 |
where do I start, your 23 yo daughter is a 23 yo daughter....how long has she been married, exactly my point. When we r young we date, wehe we get tired we throw that one away and guess what another date falls in our lap. So I would say that is what she knows....chances r she has never given her heart, soul, blood sweat tears, and put another individual infront of herself....so the move on thing from her..maybe take it for what it's worth. Sorry to threadjack Bill, but when I read TTFG's post I grinned like a cheshire  What with WH's OW just turned 23...
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
139
guests, and
66
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,619
Posts2,323,475
Members71,921
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
