This is what Dr Harley says about exposure....

The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover's spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.
There are many reasons for these recommendations, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it's far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.

Imagine how little crime would be committed if everyone's activities were videotaped. Another, almost equally important reason for exposure is that it usually provides support for the betrayed spouse at a time that their whole world is falling apart. When family, friends, clergy, and even children know what's happening to the betrayed spouse they can provide considerable emotional support when it's needed most.

But there are exceptions to exposure. Once in a while I dont recommend it. So the following is my definitive explanation and defense of this very controversial policy.

Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they've just discovered their spouses affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lovers spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible).

The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it's likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarning, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse.

It's my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages. But are there exceptions to my recommendation of the immediate exposure of an affair? Absolutely! Let me give you a few examples of situations where I would not suggest immediately exposing an affair.

A physically violent unfaithful spouse

If a wife tells me that her husband has a history of physical violence toward her, and she's discovered his affair, I suggest that she make immediate plans for a complete separation. Generally, I refer her to a shelter for abused women. After the separation is complete, and she is safe, I recommend exposure of the affair. Plan A is ruled out, and plan B is followed (no contact between spouses). Contact is restored only after the violent husband has enrolled in an anger management program, has no contact with the lover, and is willing to begin a program of marital reconciliation.

Uncertainty regarding the affair Many of the cases I've witnessed involve suspected affairs with no firm proof. In those situations, I do not recommend exposure. Instead of immediate exposure, I suggest gathering evidence that would convince a jury that an affair has taken place. In some cases I suggest hiring an investigator to gather that evidence. Once there is certainty regarding the affair, I then recommend immediate exposure.

Affairs are not usually difficult to prove. That's because the affair is an addiction, and addicts are notoriously sloppy in covering their tracks.

Economic considerations

A divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of cheating husbands that I've counseled are economically dependent on him. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, before exposing the affair, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility.

Women's shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for those women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose his affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.

So when a betrayed spouse asks for my advice, I usually take the position that infidelity is the greatest betrayal of all. After an affair, trust, which is an essential ingredient in marriage, is dashed. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate marital recovery.

Dr H lists two exceptions to exposure

Physical violence and financial hardship.

If the latter you must make provision for yourself first.

I have another perspective here. The ow DID NOT move away from your wh to get away from him.

SHE MOVED TO MANIPULATE him to leave you. It is a last ditch effort ow do to break up a marriage.

Your wh fell for that. Period. Hook line and sinker. She did the "all or nothing approach".

I saw this alot with my xwh's ow. She did it with a pregnancy. And do not be surprised if the ow will do anything. NOTHING is off limits to an other woman. They are skanky beyond belief.

find and snoop and get her identity and EXPOSE their affair (both ow and wh) to ALL THEIR FRIENDS, FAMILY AND SUPERIORS AT WORK.

YOU need to listen to all the people here and DO WHAT WE SAY. 1)expose 2)implement plan A at same time and 3) do not fear exposure...it is what KILLS an affair.

Begin plan A like yesterday. LEARN all the MB principles and during plan A try to figure out what his top EN's are and play to them.

MOSTLY expose though. We can help you with the letter here and how to do it on Facebook. FB is a GREAT way to mass mail out the information and blow the affair to kingdome come (figuratively of course, just making it be all out in the open and dirty).

ALSO you need to snoop. Read the Operation Investigate forum below SAA here under Infidelity. Learn how to find out and snoop intelligently to get all the info you need.

This ow wants YOUR LIFE. She wants YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR HUSBANDS' MONEY, YOUR FAMILY ASSETS AND YOUR LIFE. She wants him to pay to raise HER KIDS and to ignore his own child and abandon you both. How do you like that? What are you going to do about that? Are you going to roll over and let that skank walk all over you? Are you?

Woman up.

Absolutely - these skanks know how to get chased. She didnt go out of respect for your marriage- she wants to be Mrs Heart herself....

Peachy is right - he has even told you this is what he is going to do. Expose right now and get the help of people who love you.

If you have the $ hire a PI and have him investigate her and if your wh is over there. All the PI needs is a recent pic of your husband, make and color and year of his car, the tag number and the name and address of the ow and a description if you have one of her.

that will render you photos and video and possibly INCRIMINATING and DAMAGING CRIMINAL records on the ow if some exist.

Go to OW's facebook page. Make a list of all her friends by pasting her contacts into a word document, especially peple with the same last name.

Then send them all this message - but space it out a few minutes apart to prevent facebook from locking it down.

Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for x years and have a heartbroken daughter. Joe has confessed to me that they have been having an afair since xx.


I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

To yours, your h and mutual friends:

Dear friends.

I sadly write to you, to let you know that my h and Skanky, an acquaintance of my h's, have begun an affair with each other.
They are now attempting to break up my family. My h has confessed all to me. He tells me he plans to abandon me and my daughter to care for OW and her children.
Please help support me in breaking up this affair, which is heartbreaking to me and my daughter. I am asking that you use your influence with WH to persuade him to do the right thing and end this destructive affair. I am committed 100% to my husband and to our family and want nothing more than this to end and to work towards healing our marriage.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Y

You could send this one to OWs friends too actually, as it hits home the message that she is affecting your daughter.

Thanks for all the help you provide, it makes me feel warm, I learn something from all the suggestion & your experience.

This is a great website. unfortunately, I found it too later.

No you are right on schedule!

First priority - LOTS of sleep.

Second priority - eat something, anything.

third priority - Get a hug (maybe your daughter?)

Fourth priority - Not listening to a single word your h says

Do these tonight.

Then you will be strong enough to get started on exposure and reclaiming your life.

are you going to act or are you going to in about six months, have to sit down and explain to your child how you DID NOTHING TO SAVE your family from your husbands' affair and how you LET YOUR HUSBAND MOVE OUT?

Will you be able to look your child in the eyes and say you did all you could? As of today Heart, I think you COULD NOT DO THAT.

I was able to do that. And I know others here did too. Others BEAT THE AFFAIR MONSTER that is ripping your family apart.

Are you going to woman up or are you going to accept defeat without even trying?

I think I'll talk to some of our friends, but my child & my mom, I really don't want to hurt them, this truth is much more worse than we fight or divorce.

Yes, I need do something, anything for my child, for my family.

What is important is telling your mom and your child. They can be your best support as you fight for your marriage.

CV

If you won't work the plan then you have to live with the results. NOT following MB will NOT yield the results you wish for.

Might as well go toss a penny into a fountain and wish. Because it's not gonna happen WITHOUT HARD WORK and following a rock solid plan.

What is so bad about TELLING THE DAMN TRUTH? What is so bad or so hard?

Why is it a moral compromise? Look hon, the only moral compromise going on here is YOUR HUSBAND ABANDONING HIS MORALS SO HE CAN LIE WITH A SKANK IN HER BED.

Heart,

I exposed to my children - 14, 16, and 18 at the time. It was one of the best things I did.... if not THE best.

I hope you took the advice and did not send that email to your WH in the notable posts section. You absolutely cannot reason with a wayward!

A lot of advice you are getting goes against what you want to do - what your instincts are telling you to do.... but you are going to have to feel the fear and do it anyway because it IS what can destroy the illusions of grandeur your H has about this OW and can bring him around.

Who knows that your husband will tell your daughter. In ten years he can tel her that you were a bad wife and did nasty things, and maybe she will be angry at you for divorcing. Then she will get married and invite him and his mistress and you can take a seat in the back, if you are invited at all.

Someone should tell her the truth, she is a big girl. You will find the right words. You can tell her that her father has a girlfriend and that he does everything with her a man should only do with his wife, and that it is wrong. She will understand.

Take care of yourself and get the help from your mother too,

Good luck

P.S.
I sense you might be from Asia, and I know the culture is different there. But you came her because you do not want a marriage where your husband sleeps with another woman on the side.
And you do not want to give your husband as a present to this other women with no morals. Not without a fight.

Yes, I'm from Asia. You are right, he think I'm a bad wife, one word, not the person he loved anymore, not the person he wanted in his life. but you can't imagine how much I'v done for him at home & his career.

I talked to our best friend whole weekend, I'll give him some time to wake up, I'll not tell my family unitl I made a final decision.

I need focus my life now, prepare resume, find a job. After 17 years, it's first time, I really realize how important I need think for myself & treat myself well.

Heart,

Affairs are really bad things. They affect your mind. Your husband will not wake up if you don't do anything and just give him time.

You **DO** need to take care of yourself and you need to do it for the long-term. The best way to do that is to tell your family. Exposure is not the end of a relationship all the time. Most of the time recovery can happen (if you still want it). It helps you protect yourself by saying to everyone that you will not be abused and treated this way. That you are strong and honest and willing to do what is right.


CV

I did expose everything to our best friend, they'll help. so I'll give him a chance to wake up before more people involved.

All of you really give me a lot support, more than what you thought, thank you.

Heart, that is not going to happen, he is not going to wake up with time, his digress is only going to get deeper and harder to turn around. Exposure is hard, but it is the best thing that happened to me, as it ended my suffering in silence. Keeping it a secret is only enabling.