Hello everyone, I am new to the site and need some advise. My husband and I have been married for 14 years and are in the process of a divorce. I do not want it right now. I would really love for us to start over or even just try. My husband cheated on me several times and I just could not handle it anymore. I ask him to leave and now I miss him and wished I had tried to figure out what went wrong and how I could have made things better. He always talked really hateful to me and when he was having his affairs, he didn't have anything whatsoever to do with me. I know when we first got together, he really loved me, so I don't understand why he did this. I found naked pictures on his cell phone and lots of other things. It seems so crazy to actually type it. I know I am crazy to want to even try.

Since we have been seperated, he has made no mention of us getting back together. It is like he has already moved on. He tells me that I always bring up the past. I have caught him in sooo many lies. He always put himself before me or the kids. I found out that he was telling the last one he was cheating with that they were going to be married. He met her parents. I had no idea it was going on. He had been seeing her for 1 1/2 years. He said I didn't treat him like a husband and he was looking for someone to love him. I said well you found them so why aren't you with them? Why didn't he leave and go to be with her? I don't understand, would he have kept doing it forever or just until he would no longer have to pay child support? We are not agreeing on the divorce either, which makes it so much harder. I am sad, hurt, lonely, mad, angry, confused and it is driving me crazy. I know I deserve better than this. Why is it bothering me so much? I don't like the idea of starting over. I want my family back together again, but not like it was before. I just don't think he will change. I am scared when the divorce is final, there will be no chance what-so-ever for us. Then I think if it was meant to be then it will happen. Any suggestions or advice would be helpful..

Want, there is no chance for recovery unless he makes dramatic personal changes in his lifestyle. And he is obviously not willing to do that. You are wasting your time with him until that happens.

My suggstion would be to file for divorce on grounds of adultery [if you can] and get legal protection in place. This will ensure he pays child support and keeps up on the bills.

I would get solid evidence of his affair by hiring a PI to tail him for a day. Most PIs can get concrete evidence of an affair in one day. Take that information and expose his affair wide and far. Expose to your children, the OW's parents, family, his family. Everyone should know of his affair.

And then go pitch dark in a Plan B. Plan B is a very dark separation where you will not allow him to contact you directly. All communication would be through an intermediary. He would not be allowed inside the house. You would send him a Plan B letter telling him not to contact you again unless he ends his affair and commits to the recovery of the marriage.

You have nothing to lose from taking this path, becuase you have already lost your marriage. There is nothing left here to save unless he makes a dramatic 180 change. And if he doesn't, you will end up divorced, which would be a major improvement over living with a very cruel, abusive man. You would be free to move on in your life.

I would strongly advise you get the book, Survivng an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. It will help you understand what you are dealing with.

Did you save the evidence?

Yes, I have some of the pictures. (My lawyer used one in the temp. hearing.) I also have talked to two of the women he had an affair with. One affair was 5 years ago. The most recent was last year and he has seen her since we have been seperated. She told me everything, even said she would go to court and tell all. He has admitted to the affairs. He also in his mind thinks he was entitled to do it. We have had our temporary hearing and he was ordered to pay child support and half of the house payment. He did not have a lawyer for the temp. hearing but has since hired one. He says he cannot pay me that amount every month. His mama gave him the money for a lawyer. Will the amount change since he has a lawyer now? He also thinks because we are seperated that he can do what he wants. Can he? I know he tried talking to two different women who work at the same place. They both caught him in lies. He gets mad at me because I talk to these women to find out stuff. He says I am talking crap about him. I said no, you are pretty much making your ownself look bad. I ask him why he felt he had to lie to other women, he should be telling them the truth, he doesn't owe them anything. He told me it was none of my business. He has done so many selfish things that it is unreal and he gets amd at me when I bring it to his attention.

He makes 1,000 dollars more a month than I do. I found out about the last affair because she called my house.... She was mad at him because he lied to her. We were here at the house having a cookout with some of his friends from work. To me that was the ultimate betrayal and then for him to see her still when I asked him to move out was like a slap in the face all over again. I ask him how he could give her a second chance and not me and I was his wife.. He has said hurtful things to me that has destroyed my self-esteem.... It really makes me upset with myself that I would even consider taking him back. My oldest daughter's daddy cheated on me and that was it.. I really loved him and I didn't think twice about giving him a second chance. I guess it is because me and my husband have been together for so long and I just don't want to give up without a fight. It hurts that me and the girls are not worth it to him to even fight for. We just bought our home 5 1/2 years ago too.

Did you read my post?

The above post? Yes, I read it.
I did file under adultry and everyone knows about his affairs. Our daughter heard him on the phone with the 2 women telling one he loved her and the other he missed her and to bring her kids to his house to watch a movie. Our daughter does not want to go stay with him because of this. I know she had to feel bad because she was with him for her birthday and he was on the phone talking to another woman about HER kids. She has seen text messages from 2 different women (other than the ones from the affair) and she just doesnt want to go stay with him and of course he is blaming me for it, but I didnt have to tell her, she informed me of things I didnt know.

I have a question, I am confused as to what I should do in my case. We have had our temporary hearing and my husband did not even have a lawyer. Well he told the judge he didnt have the money to get one and that he was in the procees of getting one then. The judge awarded child support and half of the house payment, attorney fees were reserved until the final hearing. My question is what will change now? He has since gotten him a lawyer (with help from his mom) now in the papers that come from his lawyer, he is wanting custody and child support, he said he didnt tell his lawyer to put that in the papers. He is asking for help with bills that I did not even ask for. Will the monetary amount change? How long will he have to make half of the house payment? He listed our boat (very little value) our riding lawnmower(he rents, therefore doesnt need the mower) our pull behind trailor, and the girls golfcart. Will I have to pay him half of the value of these items or since I filed under adultery, will it matter. He is so selfish that he would do this just so he would not have to pay me 1000.00 a month. He makes 1000.00 more a month than I do and he is complaining. We have another piece of property with a mobile home on it also that he mentioned too. I told him to take the mobile home and live in it then he would have no rent, but that is not good enough for him. It needs a little work and I was going to try to rent it out to help in the future but I just dont know what the judge will award him. He says its not fair that he has invested in all of this and he has to pay me 1,000 a month plus walk away with nothing. I say well you should have thought about that before you had numerous affairs... Friends tell me to get whatever I can get. He would settle if I would agree to less than 1,000 dollars a month. Child support is 625.00, so should I take the chance and settle and keep the other property to rent or should I try to keep the 1,000 per month and keep the property too. I told him to give me a figure that he would pay, but he hasnt come up with one. He only has to pay child support for 4 years, then I am going to need the income from the rental property which is not a guarantee to make ends meet. He will not try to see that part. He says how do you think I am suppose to live... I paid our daughters orthodontist payment every month since she has had her braces and he hasnt paid a penny on them. I did not even put that in the papers. I paid every dr. and dentist bill that came into this house too. (which inclued his) I didnt even put that in there. In his papers he listed the dentist bills which is funny, because he hasnt paid anything on them. He wants me to pay half when I paid all of it. It's crazy. He had the money to buy his girlfriend some birthday presents and didnt buy me a thing. He had the money to go out with his girlfriend too. He just doesnt want to struggle, he had it made when he was living here and he doesnt want to have to give up his outings. Typing this just makes me realize how sad it is and to think that I would still try to start over with him is insane.

I just wish I knew what the judge was going to award him, I have alot of stuff I could use in court but I just hate that it has to come to that..

Please any advise would help!!!!

WNS, I know this is a tough time. I searched for your thread when I read the post on Kirbys, to see if you started your own, because that has the best chance of getting advice from the veterans here.

I see this one and also see Mel has posted to you, and she is the most awesome no BS tactician here,(No offense to others, we all have our portions that are important.)

One of the sad facts of life is when this stuff happens, peoples mind and concerns race, and sometimes there are so many questions and worries, that other posters can't differentiate between the 1st step needed and the emotional state of the poster.

The point being this, the leagal battles that ensue in todays court systems, and whatever they might offer towards repairing a marriage, are virtually nil towards saving a marriage.

Melody wants to find out if you want to save it, and if you are willing to do the work...If this is just about court advice, then browsing the site can be helpful, so I suggest that. Holding off the courts from doing more damage, while you are trying to rebuild your marriage,(Second Chance?), is nessesary to repair the marriage sure, but your post has a lot of info packed together so maybe we can simplify it?

1. How familiar are you with MB principles and DR H?
2. At what point are you in your relationship with WH? Some History would be helpful, and here is a link to help first time posters, to get it down cronologically, so we can all help.

Longhorns thread to newly betrayed posters

Scotland also has a thread for new posters, but at this time I cannot seem to find it, but this one will help you organize your thread for the best help we can give you.

Many times it is just a matter of organizing you posts with paragraphs, and specific questions, that can be answered 1 by 1.

Keep asking, and keep searching, this site can help protect you, your children, and you marrige or future. This is a very traumatis time I know, just take time to stop and breathe, I guarantee you this is the right place to be.

Will be praying for you

PS, You accidentally changed the topic on your post to Kirbys, or something happened anyway,lol I changed it back

Thanks for posting, I know I am allover the place, just trying to find advice wherever I can get it.

Something happened tonight that really has helped me make a decision. I kinda knew he was probably still seeing someone, but he has been coming to my daughter's football games (she cheers) and sits with me at every game. Well tonight I called him after we left the game because I was going to take our daughter to the movies tomorrow and we was going to see if he wanted to go. well he said yeah I might do that, he said he had just pulled up at home; then I looked up the show times and called him back like 10 minutes later and he didnt answer, called again no answer. Well my gut was telling me he was lying so I rode over to his house and guess what, he wasnt there. Imagine that and he would not answer the phone. I felt sick to my stomach. He thinks since we are seperated that he can spend the night with other women, please tell me if he is wrong or right.... This is driving me crazyyyy. He has been so nice, but it has been an act for some reason. Tonight just made me realize there is no hope, he is never going to change and doesnt want to. He told me the other night that he stays home alone night after night.

I have been going back and reading older posts and I am getting more confused.

He has been gone since February 15, 2011. He has talked to about 4 different women that I know of, I am sure there is more.

What bothers me is, how would he have time to try to work on us, when he is so busy with them. He doesn't want to try to save this marriage. Doesn't it take both to save it?

He thinks I am so awful and mean, but when I catch him in a lie, I let him know it. I also let him know how I feel about it.

I feel like if I had found this site and read His Needs, Her Needs (reading it now) sooner, then maybe I may have had a chance. Since he is out there getting what he needs from someone else, he will never want to come back.

I am sorry for going back and forth but I am just run down by this. I am depressed. I don't get out and enjoy things anymore. It just doesn't seem fair that there are so many people going through this same thing. I also don't get how people can treat other people so badly and have no respect for them or their feelings.

I have had the worst day. I was so upset about the lie last night and I let it slip to our daughter that he wasnt home last night. Well she talked to him today and ask him about it and he said he was home that I was lying. Well she finally got him to admit the truth and he said I dont live there anymore. I stayed gone for a little while but came home this morning, he said he didnt spend the night. She ask him where he was and he said it is none of your business, you are 14. Then he tired to make her feel guilty, he said noone ever comes to see me, I am all alone.

Then he told her when we go to court she better be prepared to come stay with him every other weekend. She is sooo upset by all of this. I feel awful, like I am losing it. She said she doesnt want us to have any kind of communication. Now I am so scared this will hurt me in court, being so irrational and acting like a lunatic. Aren't we intitled to act like this when we are constantly being lied to and hurt? Him being so nice the last few weeks has been a ploy of some kind, it made it worse for me because I was hoping he had changed.

I am hurting my daughter now and that lets me know something has to change. I think I need some sort of counseling to help me get through this.

Hi WNS,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this and just wanted to let you know that there is someone listening.

WNS, you sound overwhelmed at the moment, and it sounds as though this has has been going on for some time. It is understandable it has worn you down, this is a traumatic experience. Remember to take time for yourself, remember to breathe... Starting IC can be a great way to start processing the feelings, although ensure you are selective with the counsellor as the first one I went to had me feeling worse rather then better. How much support are you getting from family / friends?

Your daughter may also benefit from some counselling as well, have you spoken with her about this?

I am only four months out of WH seperating from me, and a bit over two months from D Day. Initially I was not following the advice from this forum, and I regret that although it is understandable that we BS are in shock and denial that our WH's could act as though possessed. Please re-read all of Mel's post, answer her questions, and ACT on her advice. You are in good hands and unlikely to get better advice... follow it.

And meanwhile (it is quiet on the weekends here) be kind to yourself. Have some take out with daughter, have a bath, paint your toenails... anything that is nice just for YOU.

WANS, this shouldn't be happening. It is cruel to engage your daughter in this charade in a misguided notion that you need to protect your WH from his sins. You need to tell her honestly what he is doing.

This has been going on over half a year, right? I would get an attorney and file for D.

ETA: I'm sorry, I forgot that you'd mentioned that you were going through divorce. Has your attorney arranged for child and spousal support?

You should not be in contact with your H. Is there a parenting schedule for the two of you?

Thanks for the posts, I am not going to have anymore contact with him, he has hurt me far too much. I just think everyday about why he didnt fight for his family, but the realization is he didnt want to or he would have.

He told our daughter last night that she had made her decision who she had rather be with (Me)how cruel is that. He also told her not to call him unless she was going to come stay with him. I want to tell him instead of fussing at her why dont you try to figure out the real reason she doesnt want to come stay with you and do something about it instead of make her feel bad. She said he tries to make her feel sorry for him. I didnt call him and give him a piece of my mind about his tactics because I told her I wouldnt have anymore contact with him.

I have been going back reading older posts on this site, it is helping, I wish I had found this site before we seperated, maybe it would have helped, maybe it wouldnt have. I think things happen for a reason, so maybe all of this was meant to be exactly like it is happening. I really deep down inside wanted him to realize how important we were to him and that he was going to try to change and I wanted us to be better than we were ever before. I was really looking forward to it; especially after getting started on His Needs, Her Needs. After finding out he was with someone else Friday night, I know he has no intentions of it. Instead of spending time with them, why couldnt he have been spending time with us.

I am half way through HN,HN, I am going to finish it and hopefully the next time around I will be ready from the start. Should I give up hope for a second chance with my husband now? Just let it go and if it is meant to happen it will happen at a later time.

Again, thanks for the post. It really helps to haer from you all.

WANS, I just read your post on another thread regarding your emotions: please see your doctor right away for anti-depressants. You are going through a great deal of stress right now. First thing tomorrow, okay?

Hi,
I dont have much to say, other than I know what you are feeling right now...unfortunately my WH sounds just like yours.
Please take the advice on this forum. It will you help you out so much. Also, if you have any friends/relatives that you can just vent to, spend time with to get away from the stresses of all this trauma you are experiencing, please do so.
I'm thinking of you, take care of yourself.

Fighter, thanks. I talk to my sister all the time and vent to her. She says I need to pull myself together and forget about him, because he is not worth it and life is too short to be this miserable. What I can't make her understand is; I just wanted another chance to prove that we could have made our marriage good. I have to realize that I can't do it alone. I have decided that I am going to try to be the best that I can be, not only to show him I can, but for myself and my girls.

I am about 30 to 35 pounds overweight. This has been a problem with me and my self-esteem for years. I have just been unhappy for the past 6 years and let myself go. I got to the part in HN,HN where it talked about appearance and it really opened my eyes. That is a reason I believe that he continued to see other women. I think once he got him a slim lover, he had no reason to want to be with a fat slob. When we would get into fusses, that was one of his favorite names to call me 'FAT B---H', he just called me that the other day too. I get sick alot more now. I have a chest cold now that has me down and feeling crappy. I have headaches all the time.

I plan on starting a diet and walking and doing some exercise videos. I want make myself feel better. He has brought me down soooo much. He has even said I will never find another man. The sad thing is, I believe him!! I have lost all self-confidence. I have never been like this in my life. I have always been happy-go-lucky, love being around people, getting out and now I dont want to leave the house or do anything. He makes me feel like this awful person, and I know I am not. I know I am a good person. My friends and family tell me I am too nice.

He has been about 20 pounds overweight too, but he went to a diet DR. and got some diet pills to help lose weight. He did this while he was still living here and I had no idea. I found the pills in his sock drawer while putting up his socks. I know he still goes now too. I have never said anything about his weight. It didnt matter, but in the book it says it matters to men more than it does to women.

Is that my fault that I am overweight and that caused him to look elsewhere for whatever he needed? If I had felt wanted or loved that may have been an incentive to change myself. Truth is, I should have wanted to do it FOR ME!!!!!

As I have said before, it is so sad that so many people feel like this. To all of the ones out there that are going through this, I am sorry and I will be praying for all of us. Hopefully things will work out like they are meant to be. I spoke with my preacher about all of this and she ask me had I ever thought that maybe he was not the one God had intended for me. Something to think about.

wans, were you slim when you married your WH, or have you picked up weight over the years? Physical attractiveness is an EN for many people and that may be the case with your WH.

It's encouraging to read that you are starting to exercise. Mainly because it will lift YOUR spirits and may alleviate a lot of your health issues. Whether or not WH returns to the M, you need to do this for yourself.