My Husband of 21 years took up a new job 3 months ago after a long period out of work following a previous redundancy. Whilst out of work he became very depressed and things were a struggle, when he was offered this job we both knew it would involve travel and hoped that wouldn't be too much of an issue for us, but I wanted him to be happy again so felt he should take it and we agreed to discuss it at intervals to check the travelling wasn't becoming a problem.

His previous jobs only involved limited periods of time away, just a couple of times a year for less than a week and I had always made it clear that I didn't wish to have a partner who was always travelling, however with this job it turns out he is away every other week, for a week at a time and it is long haul travel (we are in the UK, he is in America/China/Africa etc)

I am finding this difficult to deal with, I have a part time job,lots of hobbies and interests and many friends as well as 3 teenage children and I fill every moment of the time he isn't here, so much so that I am exhausted by the time he gets back, but, the crux of the matter is I don't want him away all the time as I feel it is putting a strain on our marriage because of the drastic change in our lifestyle and the issues it creates.

I sat down and discussed this with him as we had agreed to do and said how I felt and why and he asked me what I wanted him to do about it, I have suggested seeing if he can reduce his travel to just once a month, (though I am thinking my ideal would be once every 6 weeks) he said at the outset that me and the children were his priority and he would never do anything that made us unhappy, so I don't feel I am being unreasonble, he has said that he can ask but he does not think that this will be possible as the job involves the level of travel that he is doing (it's only him doing the job) so the only real option is for him to look for another role.

I asked him what he would do if our situations were reversed and he said he would accept travelling as part of the job and get on with it........on the one hand he's saying he understands how I feel and would never do anything to make us unhappy but seems to be implying that I should put up with it, though he denies that is what he means and has said he will find another job if that is what I want him to do.

This has put me in a difficult situation, and I feel so confused, this is not the lifestyle that I want or the marriage that I want, i.e with a Husband absent half the time so it would seem the only alternative is to ask him to find another job if he can't cut his travel, but do I have the right to ask that of him? Do I just put up with a situation that is making me unhappy and accept that this is how it will be from now on or state how I feel as being valid and that he needs to take stock of my feelings and do something about it?

I would feel terrible asking him to find something else, like I am a failure as a Wife, when I should be supporting him in his career but alternatively his job is making me unhappy and I couldn't put up with it long term.....to sit back and ignore my own happiness and be some kind of martyr is not really an option either! Help!

Hi myrtle

I see you've been on the site for a few years, although this is your first post. That being the case, you must have read Dr Harley's materials available free here, and read about the MB programme. You must have read Dr Harley's recommendations that spouses never spend nights apart.

That requirement is not just to avoid an affair, which is all to easy for one spouse to embark on when they have a life completely independent from the other. For example, in my case, overnight travel gave my H the opportunity to conduct his affair (in Belgium; we live in London). I never went with him on his twice-monthly trips but even if I had, unless I had gone on each and every trip, he would have been able to conduct a affair with ease. Affairs are easy to conduct when a spouse has what Dr Harley calls a "secret second life".

However, before we even get to the point of an affair, it should be clear to you from reading Dr Harley that your way of life is no way to conduct a marriage, if you want that marriage to be romantic and fulfilling.

The MB programme is about much more than one specific rule, such as not spending nights apart. It is about creating a fully integrated lifestyle so that the spouses are interdependent.

Spouses need to spend their most enjoyable leisure time together. They need to spend at least 2 hours together every day, meeting each other's intimate emotional needs. (These are the ENs of sexual fulfilment, affection, conversation and recreational companionship.) They need to run their lives using the Policy of Joint Agreement, where no decisions or actions are taken without the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses.

Your marriage is providing hardly any of these opportunities. You can perhaps have two hours of conversation each day by phone or internet, but little else.

How are both your needs for sexual fulfilment being met? What about affection? Do you spend enjoyable leisure time together? If these needs are not being met, then there is hardly a romantic relationship in existence between you.

Your marriage needs a root and branch reorganisation, starting with use of the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) to come to a decision about your H's job. He needs to sleep at home every night, and you both need to meet each other's emotional needs on a daily basis.

You should ask a moderator to move this thread to the 101 forum, where the nuts and bolts of the MB programme are discussed. Click the "notify" button. This forum is for discussing cooking recipes and kids' jokes!

Hi Sugarcane,

An affair is the last thing that I'm concerned about, I have mentioned this to my H and he was upset I would even consider it saying he knows his own mind and it is something he would never do to me, but I do accept that is something that is always possible if one or other is unhappy.

We have had a lot of marital problems in the past and this website became my H's favourite haunt so most of the things on here I am familiar with.

With regards to leisure time we do spend a lot of time together, at least 2 hours a day, but it's not always quality time, mostly chatting or watching TV, though weekends we go out for walks together and we're far from the most romantic of couples!

When he is away he rings every day but only for a brief 15 minute chat, it is difficult when there is a time difference and he is going to bed when I'm getting up or vice versa, though we do text during the day. We always catch up properly on his week when he returns but I feel like my week is totally dull in contrast to what he has been doing and I find it hard to deal with the envy I feel when he is off in 5 star hotels (Las Vegas next week) and I'm stuck here.

I appreciate that we need to fulfill each others needs but I don't know if it's fair to ask him to give up his job.....

Hi, myrtle,

This "other topics" section doesn't see a whole lot of traffic; you will probably get more help if you click "notify" and write a message to the moderators asking them to move this thread to the "Marriage Builders 101" section.

What name does your husband post under?

My Husband of 21 years took up a new job 3 months ago after a long period out of work following a previous redundancy. Whilst out of work he became very depressed and things were a struggle, when he was offered this job we both knew it would involve travel and hoped that wouldn't be too much of an issue for us, but I wanted him to be happy again so felt he should take it and we agreed to discuss it at intervals to check the travelling wasn't becoming a problem.

His previous jobs only involved limited periods of time away, just a couple of times a year for less than a week and I had always made it clear that I didn't wish to have a partner who was always travelling, however with this job it turns out he is away every other week, for a week at a time and it is long haul travel (we are in the UK, he is in America/China/Africa etc)

I am finding this difficult to deal with, I have a part time job,lots of hobbies and interests and many friends as well as 3 teenage children and I fill every moment of the time he isn't here, so much so that I am exhausted by the time he gets back, but, the crux of the matter is I don't want him away all the time as I feel it is putting a strain on our marriage because of the drastic change in our lifestyle and the issues it creates.

I sat down and discussed this with him as we had agreed to do and said how I felt and why and he asked me what I wanted him to do about it, I have suggested seeing if he can reduce his travel to just once a month, (though I am thinking my ideal would be once every 6 weeks) he said at the outset that me and the children were his priority and he would never do anything that made us unhappy, so I don't feel I am being unreasonble, he has said that he can ask but he does not think that this will be possible as the job involves the level of travel that he is doing (it's only him doing the job) so the only real option is for him to look for another role.

I asked him what he would do if our situations were reversed and he said he would accept travelling as part of the job and get on with it........on the one hand he's saying he understands how I feel and would never do anything to make us unhappy but seems to be implying that I should put up with it, though he denies that is what he means and has said he will find another job if that is what I want him to do.

This has put me in a difficult situation, and I feel so confused, this is not the lifestyle that I want or the marriage that I want, i.e with a Husband absent half the time so it would seem the only alternative is to ask him to find another job if he can't cut his travel, but do I have the right to ask that of him? Do I just put up with a situation that is making me unhappy and accept that this is how it will be from now on or state how I feel as being valid and that he needs to take stock of my feelings and do something about it?

I would feel terrible asking him to find something else, like I am a failure as a Wife, when I should be supporting him in his career but alternatively his job is making me unhappy and I couldn't put up with it long term.....to sit back and ignore my own happiness and be some kind of martyr is not really an option either! Help!

Thanks, I have copied and pasted the above thread onto that section.

I have no idea if my Husband actually posted anything or what user name he had....I believe he mostly read through items of relevance and downloaded items that we read together.

Myrtle, you are absolutely doing the right thing in asking him to find another role! You rightly understand that this is a disaster to your marriage. And it is! This is how couples fall out of love and develop completely detached lifestyles. Traveling jobs are also invitations to affairs. They show up every month over on the Surviving an Affair forum.

So please let us encourage you to persuade your husband to find a non traveling role ASAP! Don't let your marriage continue to crumble. You are protecting your marriage because you love your husband. That is not the behavior of a "failure," but of a woman who values her marriage and loves her husband.

Not only is he vulnerable to an affair, but so are you.

Couples that do not meet each others needs on a DAILY BASIS fall out of love. Period. That is what is happening to your marriage now.

I understand the above entirely, because that is how I feel and I can see it and don't want it to continue, but is he not going to resent me for making him find another job when he clearly enjoys what he is doing? He was out of work trying to find another job for 2 and a half years so it isn't practicle for him to leave this one until he has another lined up. I just feel guilty for being weak and unable to tolerate his travelling. I know there are plenty of couples who make it work under the circumstances but I know I am not the kind of person who would ever be happy with the time apart that we have, hence I feel if I make that demand I have to do it now, not 6 months down the line. It is just a horrible situation to be in.

I wanted him to take this job because I wanted him to be happy again and I know I have put my own sanity on the line in doing so...sigh!

The bigger threat is YOUR resentment when your marriage continues to crumble.


No, you have this backwards. It is not "weak" to recognize a real threat. Your marriage is suffering not because you are "weak" but because of your husband's traveling job. It is to act from a position of STRENGTH to protect your marriage. There is nothing "strong" about recognizing a threat to your marriage and sitting by idly while it crumbles.


No, couples who live apart like this suffer EPIDEMIC RATES of divorce. Not only do they not make it work, but they always fall out of love. Sure, some stay together, but they are little more than married couples on paper and kill the romance in their marriages.


You are doing EXACTLY the right thing, myrtle. You are protecting your marriage because you rightly percieve a problem. Stop feeling guilty about protecting your marriage!

Radio clips about traveling jobs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1181

another one, go to email #2 [7:00 minutes in] : http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=1074

A quick note to you, Myrtle,

Your marriage does not need to be unhappy for an affair to occur. It can occur with weak boundaries around the opposite sex and the opportunity to have a secret second life.

My FWH's job involved a lot of travel at one point, even well before his adultery, and although it didn't destroy our marriage, it certainly never brought us any closer. We had a good marriage, but I felt very independent after a while and when he returned home, it was sometimes difficult to integrate back together again.

In our case, we have no small children, so the couple of times he has to travel this year, I have gone with him, paying my own way. Actually, he loves being able to come back to his hotel room and have me there with him.

Dr. H. was just speaking with a woman last week about the dangers of separation in a marriage. Better, much much better, to find another job and live together.

myrtle83,
I am sorry you are in this circumstance. I know first hand as a husband what it is like to take a job just to have a job and to start traveling away from home frequently with that job.
I will spare you the 22 year old story of how my first marriage ended and why. Just know that Melody Lane is telling you the straight scoop.
I think myrtle83 that your husband is caught in a triangle of what he needs (meaningful employment and income, your needs for daily companionship (and his too whether he admits them or not), and his need to be respected and admired (which anyone who has ever been out of work for a long time will tell you are TEMPORARILLY satisfied by returning to the work world.
I fear that if you present a demand to your husband you risk his feeding his need for admiration and respect and employment over his need for companionship.
It sounds like your husband is very grounded and has good values. What he doesn't know is what you are being told here about marriage. The thing is, You may not be the best teacher.
Would he consider coming here so that he can learn first hand from Dr. Harley's books (especially His Needs Her Needs) or from this board? That way you avoid being the messenger. I find I can tell my WW something and she will not listen to it or believe it nearly as much as when our MB based marriage counselor says it.
I guess I feel it is important that your husband come to believe the reason why travel doesn not work for a marriage. You don't want him to just comply with your demand... you want him to do it because he believes it is the right thing to do for both of you...
One other thing... even though his work travel is the issue at hand right now... he probably needs lots of praise and admiration from you to help you compete with needs that his job is filling right now. Be sure to feed his need for respect and admiration every way you can so that he does not "need" his current job to have those needs met.
Blessings,
Me BS 56
She WW 50
Hers 18, 22
Mine 22, 28, 30
Ours DS 12
D-Day 1 - April 26 2009
D-Dapy 2 - October 15 2009
Exposed February 22, 2010
Me: Reforming Verbal Abuser (and I always will be).
She: still won't divulge OM # 2 despite overwhelming evidence, but slowly, ever so slowly, she is turning towards me. Some days I have hope and that is worth all the pain and patience.

How were you both able to make it financially if he was out of work for two years and you only work part time?

If he can't find another job that pays the same, what are you both willing to do? Can he find another job at less pay and you find a full time one? Looks like you POJA'ed the job and are now trying to POJA finding another one, and he does seem willing to place your needs and the children's above his job, my question is what are YOU willing to do?

Quote

I feel like my week is totally dull in contrast to what he has been doing and I find it hard to deal with the envy I feel when he is off in 5 star hotels (Las Vegas next week) and I'm stuck here.

I can feel empathy for you if your issue is missing your husband, not so much so if the primary issue is jealousy that he has an interesting job. What would happen if husbands expressed that they wanted a SAHM to get a job that had as many hours and makes as much money as theirs because they were jealous of the time the wife had with the kids?

For everyone, I can understand the desire for everyone to be able to have a job that allows one to stay at home every night of the year, however, that is not always possible. There are jobs in our society that are vital and require different shifts and travel (in varying degrees) away from home. These jobs often entail personal sacrifice from both the job holder and the family, the military would be the best example, with police and firefighters next. There are a lot of jobs with inherent travel or other requirements such as overtime; not everyone is going to get a job that meets criteria set by one's spouse.

There are reasons why those jobs have higher rates of divorce, AJ. This couple agreed to try it and revisit the issue, it is not working, time for a new agreement.

The military is the WORST example, not the best example. Dr Harley is working with the military right now to find ways to AVOID military separations because the divorce and ADULTERY rates in the military are epidemic. So I wouldn't use the military as an example of success, it is an example of FAILURE.


But why not? That is an expectation if one is serious about having a happy marriage. The job is supposed to serve the marriage, not the other way around. And that is the goal here. If the job makes a spouse unhappy, the solution might be to leave that job. The marriage comes before the job. And in the case of a traveling job, that is flat BAD for marriage no matter why she doesn't like it.

Traveling jobs are even bad for GOOD MARRIAGES. I found this out the hard way in 2007 when my H and I were transferred to another city. I went first and would drive down and hotel it for 3-4 nights a week. It was horrible on our marriage! When I did get home on Friday, we usually butted heads for a couple of days because we were both so independent and emotionally DETACHED. We stopped that crap real quick and he started coming WITH ME to the hotel and working out of his office here. We did this until our house was sold and we were moved into our new home.

myrtle, Dr Harley would probably tell your husband to find another job or get transferred to a non traveling role. He would tell you to travel WITH HIM until that change takes place. That is what many couples have done in the past.

[quote=americajin]How were you both able to make it financially if he was out of work for two years and you only work part time?

We managed as he had over a years salary as part of his redundancy package, we used most of our savings and I worked more hours.

Looks like you POJA'ed the job and are now trying to POJA finding another one,

Sorry I am not famaliar with the above abbreviation!



I can feel empathy for you if your issue is missing your husband, not so much so if the primary issue is jealousy that he has an interesting job.

Envy is just an uncomfortable feeling I have to deal with, I would never expect my Husband to leave a job because I was jealous. My reasons for not being happy are the separation, feeling like a lone parent 2 weeks a month, the disruption it causes, the impact on our marriage, the unshared experiences, feeling like we're living separate lives for half of the month...many reasons.

[quote=hurtingturkey]

This is what makes things so difficult, he needs the respect and admiration that being back in an important role give him and I don't like to feel that I am the one holding him back in his career. In the past he had the opportunity to travel far more than he ever did, but he always refused it as the children were small and he knew it would be hard work for me, he does have good values and is a very grounded man as you so rightly have observed. He has mentioned before that he felt it stopped him from getting furthur in his career though and indeed it may have ultimately led to his redundancy when it came down to the decision of who to let go from the company. I would never expect him to leave this job until he has found something else suitable for him and in the meantime travelling with him is simply not possible with children at home.
I just don't know how it will impact our marriage if I tell him he has to leave his job, I know it is simple from others perspectives that the answer is he must, but it seems a case of transferring the resentment I feel about his travel into him feeling resentful of me for standing in his way again, even though it's fro the sake of saving our marriage.