I did not shut off the cell phone. That is the only way I can stay in contact with her and our kids when I am over here.

So what exactly are you doing to deter her affair? It seems like nothing short of stopping her ability to buy him another plane ticket down here. If contact persists, your situation will only get worse. You can't just pick and choose parts of the plan. You need to be home, and you need to prevent contact. If you aren't going to do anything prevent contact, you might as well just file for divorce now because your situation will not get any better.

Get your kids a cell phone, and on YOUR plan that you can block OM on.

I fail to see how you changing from one job (traveling to Mexico) to another job (traveling to the far east) in any way addresses the root problem of you NOT BEING HOME. Why even bother switching? Are you trying to become an absentee father?

You need to find a job that doesn't require so much traveling. You are going to lose your marriage AND your kids this way. I seriously don't see you listening to nearly any of the advice in this thread.

You should have NOT left the states, I am sorry you are making a big mistake.

And getting a new job that makes you travel a couple weeks in the month is NOT a good job to get.

You are supposed to look for a job that requires you staying home every night!

You should be home with your children and getting your marriage back.

Believe me. I know I will lose my family if I keep traveling so much. I am going to quit my job soon. I am just trying to save some money before I do this.

Three words. Family medical leave. You can get your doc to claim that for you, undue stress and mental trauma because you are so worried about the kids due to your wife having had a criminal in your home. There are numerous variations you can have on this, just don't have doc make you sound crazy, make it as a medical response to what the crazy wifey has done.

Also do not leave home. Do not. Get a restraining order for the kids and you to be away from the other man/criminal asap
! File immed. separation. YOU stay at home.

You can have 12 weeks, which should get you thru till november easily and after with which you will have new job.

Play her smart. You are NOT doing that now. When you let the crazy wayward wife have the kiddos in her care, even knowing she might put them around the criminal affair partner, it seems as though you're ok with it...and that is what the judge will infer as well unless you take IMMEDIATE AND HARSH ACTIONS.

1)get family med leave act now...your doc can help.
2)get wife out of house/immediate separation filed
3)restraining order against criminal om on behalf of you and the kids...so he cannot be around your children. He is a drug addict felon.
4)oh yea, after this disconnect her affair phone and cut off all contact with the beotch and go into darkest of plan b.

Finally...stand up for yourself and get thee back from mexico asap. Call in sick to work and fly home and get med leave act done immediately and DO NOT tell the crazy ww what you are doing.

yes,get the kiddos a phone and grandma/grandpa (your parents) a phone.

If it were me, I'd have grandma and grandpa at that house both day and night as you have to be protecting those kids from the actions of their insane mother. Their biological mother is placing the kids in harms' way around the om/criminal.

Until you get home, grandparents take turns doing 12 hr duty at the house. Hard line on this. You cannot seem in any way imply that you are accepting of her being their mom full time. She simply cannot be allowed that luxury anymore.

I'd file for full custody too. And work on getting local job. Keep searching. But get that family leave act started so you have a 12 week head start on this.

Peachy, please let me know how your friend did his plan B. I still have hope but need to act on this very quickly. I am going to the doc later this week and try to get FMLA leave from work. I am a certified emotional train wreck right now so I am sure any doc will be able to help with this.

You know, my WW told me today that she was going to go NC with OM until I did the stuff with our bank account. She said it is my fault that she continues to contact him.

It's all BS. What was her excuse the previous seven months? She's manipulating you. Take care of the GD cell phone already. Cancel your old stuff and open a new account. Block the number. Be home so she can't just get an affair phone.

You say you aren't going to travel, then why are you talking about a job traveling to China for 5 weeks on and two weeks off?

If you don't cut off all avenues of contact and find a job that doesn't require travel in the next 2-3 months, you will probably be going through the process of divorce. And it will probably be initiated by you. You are quickly reaching that point of no return.

You should have already taken care of the cell phone. She's already pi$$ed about the bank account. Now she's going to be pi$$ed all over again about the phone. why don't you just do it all at the same time? Cutting off contact is like exposure in that you need to do it all at once, not slowly and continuously trickle down more. That will just further do damage to her love bank. You need to chop it off in one fell swoop. Take care of the phone this weekend. Do it for your sanity, and stop letting your WW get such a reaction out of you. You need to be stone cold and ignore her incoherent ramblings. She is an addict. She can't control what she says or does right now. She is so entrenched in this affair that it has completely taken her over. She is not your wife. Quit treating her like she still is. If you want her back, you need to kill this affair.

I think we all know that there is no way that OM could ever replace me as a husband or father to our children. My WW has told me this numerous times saying that she is not a stupid woman. She told me that it is not easy, but she can let him go.

I read that these types of A's usually end on their own after a period of time. Do I continue to fight it and piss her off even more or just let the dirtbag get kicked to the curb on his own?

IDK, she told me that he was not going to go away that easily. He is very persistent. He told her today that he would see her again very soon.

Read this again and answer your own question Iam.

Are you thinking about lying down and letting this A die of its own accord?

Shut it off and give your kids their own phone. You need to be ruthless in choking the life out of every opportunity she has for growing the A!

This is manure, you know that, right? Typical fog-speak.You dealt a heavy blow to the A by cutting off the affair-funds.

No she can't. Otherwise she would have.


Affairs usually die on their own UNLESS the BS allows the WS to cake eat. She will continue this affair as long as you are still there meeting the needs that OM doesn't meet. So she will just continue the affair indefinitely, getting financial, domestic, and family support from you, and getting conversation, admiration, and sex from OM. It will continue that way until you do something. If you allow this to continue, the way this will probably end is that you divorce your WW because she has continued to carry on her affair in front of your face for months/years, and your love for her is irreparably destroyed. Your WW won't end this affair unless you clamp down and don't allow it, you go to plan B, or you let this affair go on indefinitely and OM eventually stops trying for your WW once he realizes she's never going to leave you (probably another year or two, do you want to just wait that long) and moves on to another woman. Pissing her off will NOT end your marriage. Allowing her affair to continue WILL end your marriage.


Cut the phone, cut all contact, and make sure this doesn't happen again. The longer you allow this to continue, the deeper her affair gets entrenched, and the less likely you are to recover your marriage. Your inaction is allowing your marriage to spiral out of control. Just piss your WW off, cut all ways of contact, police her, and after 6 months of NC, she'll work on your M again. Otherwise, after another 6 months of this, you'll be divorced, lose custody of your children (because you are always gone), and be paying your WW a fat alimony and child support check. Is that what you want, because that is the path you are going down?

I have been very discouraged lately but still made some efforts to end her A. Today I contacted the bar in GA where OM is a regular. I spoke to the manager who of course knows him very well. I told her that OM has flown to TX to screw my wife. I told her that we have been married 20 years and have 3 kids and our marriage is about to fall apart because of this. She then cut me off and said she didn't really care or want to hear about it. I don't know if that did any good.

I then called the hotel where OM used to work. The person I spoke to there was much more sympathethic when I told her about what OM has done. She then began to tell me the real reason he was fired. For hitting on women all the time at the hotel. Both staff and customers. He was even written up once for hitting on a female waitress.

After I learned about this, I called my WW to let her know.. I couldn't help myself from letting her know. I reminded her that she told me that one of her greatest needs is openess and honesty. It would apprear that OM did a piss poor job of meeting that need. He actually told her that the reason he no longer worked at the hotel is because he quit when they wouldn't give him days off to go see her. He flew to TX the day after he was fired. So, basically he told her he quit his job for her. Wow! She must really mean alot to him to do that for her, huh? Well, that is what she thought.

Anyway, about half an hour after I spoke to her about this, OM sent me a text message. It said "well you got your wish its over you win thanks". I'm not sure how to take this.

There has been a very interesting development with my job in Mexico. I went to the doctor last weekend when I was home because my panic attacks and mood have gotten alot worse. The doctor I saw wanted to hospitalize me because I was in such bad shape. She said I was most likely suffering from PTSD. I refused the hospital, so instead they put me on Wellbutrin and Xanax and I went on my way. I thought all weekend about how screwed up my situation is and how my rigorous travel schedule has affected me and my family. So, on Monday, while on the way back to Mexico, I contacted HR directly and explained my situation with my WW and my family of 20 yrs falling apart. I reminded them that this was NOT the travel schedule that I agreed upon when I accepted the position. I mentioned my mental trauma that I am going through right now and am considering hiring an attorney to see what my rights are since they changed the job requirements almost immediately after they hired me for the job. It was only supposed to be 50% travel. Anyway, I heard back from them today. They offered to release me from my contract immediately and pay me through the rest of this year. So, I have a flight back to Texas tonight and will get paid to sit at home for 3 months.

Now, of course I will not just sit around at home. I will be actively searching for another job that will not require me to travel so much.

Also, I plan to completely destroy my WW's A with OM. My wife and I will be joined at the hip 24/7, so I'd like to see him try to come back to TX to see her. This will give me all the opportunity in the world to remind her who I am and why she married me. I will do a solid plan A (carrot & stick). I know getting her out of her addiction will not be easy, but I am ready to help her. I will smash affair phones, stay in contact with relatives in case she tries to use their phones to contact him, etc..

I will be posting regularly when I get home to get specific advice as I work through the MB plan. I think this will be a good opportunity to fix what went wrong with us and make sure it never happens again.

I'm so glad to hear of the latest developments (I mean the job situation, not the PTSD). Again, do NOT allow contact (again, get control of the phone [I have already explained how], and block his number). If you can prevent contact for 3 months, then she should be through the worst of withdrawal although not fully and contact aftwards will likely rekindle the affair, but this is a good start. Keep us posted.

Aha! Good for you. You have the next few months to end this ema or end the M for your WW. SHE doesn't have the choice now, lamdown2010 has the choices.

As far as what my friend did? A blackest of black plan B combined with his divorce. He didn't let her get by on anything. She had to move into an apartment, and even had to pay him cs. He got custody of their small child too. She had the nutjob om to fulfill all her en's, and also without having extra money or the love of her child around too. And it still went on another year after the divorce.

He also put it on her. He didn't (from when he went to Plan B) accept any of the responsibility for her ema, he made her know she was responsible. He didn't deal with her guilting him in any way and had very very limited contact. Just for drop off and that's it.

What you need to do is now TAKE THAT DAMN PHONE since there's no reason for you to have to contact her via phone. If she sneaks around and still goes to see om, then kick her out of the house. I'd get an RO still (*Yes you need one)against the OM since he's been to your hometown and possibly even around your kids and he is a DANGER as a criminal and addict. I'd get that immediately.

You're close to needing a plan B. And when that happens SHE is the one to go. You don't give her money, you let the loser om meet the needs. YOU keep the kids too. If she further disrespects, this is what you do. Also do NOT discuss your ptsd with your ww. It is only one thing she could try to dastardly use against you if you end up divorcing. Why? I have a mild case of it courtesy of my ex WH and all his mental abuse and one instance of physical abuse (which was the catalyst for me immediatley filing for divorce the next day).

My ex attempted to use that against me and bully me in the divorce, even though HE was the REASON why I had it in the first place (crazy waywards will blame you for you developing a problem that they caused you know..do not trust a wayward ever).

Keep that to yourself and your therapist is under NO circumstances allowed to speak to ww or to courts at all. Keep it your situation.

When ww asks why you are at home, tell her you're looking for ajob so you can be close to your family. That is all she needs to know.

You're at a crossroads imho. You toss away the affair phone. You now draw a line in the sand and she has to decide where she will be. Don't take the silly email from the posom as any sign it's over b/c it is NOT. Your ww is a junkie stuck in an ema and she chooses to shoot that stuff in by her own choice. It is her doing this.

If when you are at home and she leaves or there is contact, it comes time for plan B if she is continuing to disrespect you and the marriage to your face, in your own home. Pack her bags when she is gone out of the house, and put them in the yard. Change the locks and also (this is key) have her served with separation papers. Let her have the om at this point, if she is stuupid enough to continue contact and the ema.

Right now you are the only one having a good plan. Her plan stinks. It's ridiculous. No one in their right mind would support anybody who would lie and cheat on their spouse, stealing money from the family income to support an ema, having the op fly into town, stay in a hotel etc. Nobody would support a crazy spouse who was literally stealing from their family to pay for their affair would they? Think like that and pull the drama out of the situation.

You know what you need to do. You know what WILL work. Enablement of the ww in any way at all will end in a divorce. The only prayer of a chance is to destroy the ema and in order to do that, you have to take the wayward out of wayward wife. She has to change back into the wife again and that is her choice if she chooses to do so.

You have to show the clear and distinct difference why the marriage is the better and more sane choice than an ema. That's all. And if it takes some tough measures to protect your family from her stealing money to fuel her affair and to protect you and your kids from having their mommy cheat under their own roof or lie and run around having a blatant affair with the posom, then you do whatever it takes to protect your family from the ALIEN wayward spouse.

I used to call my ex Darth and it was because he was a total space alien once his ema began. He never was cured of his rectocranial inversion problem sadly. But some waywards are like that, they become the alien and never leave that form. I hope your ww loses the alien part, but she might not choose to do so unless she sees a smarter alternative to how she is behaving right now.

My ex wayward H literally behaved as a spoiled, rotten, angry, self-centered alien a-hole and he was somebody I didn't know. It is like my ex H died or something and in his place was this look-alike body snatcher. Your ww might be like that right now.

the only hope of "turning" her back, is to follow the plan. And in the end, what counts is what you save. It may be your marriage, self, and family, or it might be like me, and you save yourself, your sanity, and your beautiful children from a life of pain dealing with a crazy wayward if you end in divorce.

Realize that THE PLAN is what will save you. And the kids. That is all that matters now. Hopefully she will come back on board and take huge steps to end her affair, but if she doesn't then you're PROTECTED and the kids are PROTECTED by a hard-line plan that preserves your sanity and your kids' lives and innocents by allowing them to remain at home with their dad, not with or around a criminal addict and crazy selfish mom who would put them in harms' way by exposing them to such a criminal.

Stand tough.
1. don't discuss in any way ptsd with ww. She could use it against you.
2. Toss the phone. She doesn't need her cell now.
3. If she lies or sneaks or cheats again, go to a dark plan B and also kick her out (surprise, don't tell you're doing it) along with having her served with both separation papers and a copy of the restraining order you will get against the om to protect yourself and the kids. Hell even if I didn't separate from her, I'd still get the RO to protect myself.
4. Do not be afraid to pull the trigger and implement plan B at any time should she not be ready to move forward or continues contact and disrespect.

Great post Peachy. I really hope Iamdown follows your advice. I agree its the best way for him to either salvage his marriage or be proud of himself if it comes to divorce.

how is it going Iamdown2010 any updates