CV,

I pray your wife's eye problem is something easily treated.

AM

Apparently I am the celt that cried wolf... Went to the Dr's today (just got back) and turns out the soreness is simply her doing waaay too much work. She has no infection, the transplant is healing nicely with no signs of rejection, eye pressure is good.

Guess that means she stares at her work too long? Thanks all for your prayers.

CV

On another note, I think I did something extremely foolish today....

The dr's is 2 hours away and I wanted to stop for lunch. I was feeling pretty good (almost every trigger spot I have is on the way) and decided I wanted to stop at a particular eating establishment. It was one I always wanted to eat at, but one that W and OM had lunch at. She didn't argue or put up a fight, but when we got there, I noticed her attitude had changed considerably.

Haven't seen her like this ever. I asked what was wrong and she just looked at me and then it dawned on me.... I triggered her. In three years I have never seen her triggered (or at least in my selfishness, never noticed it)!!!

I did ask her and she was completely open and honest. Told me that she usually tries to hide when she's triggered so I can heal.

We had good conversation and oddly I felt great. Not that she was devastated by this, but because I wasn't and because it lead us to talk about O&H more. How it benefits us both to have it, and why we need it between us on these things.

Even though we ended with good conversations and no AO's I'd still appreciate comments.

CV

How where you reacting when you told WW lets eat here and when you got to the table?

Did you trigger WW?

Or was it just WW memories triggering?

What caused WW to trigger?

Dude, let's be honest here. It does, sadly, feel great that they might be devastated. That the happy reminiscing about the addiction no longer exists, and thoughts about using are painful instead.

It's comforting.

While they might hide their pain to "help us heal," it is important that we know that they do hurt. It shows that it wasn't a shrug, sweep it under the rug, and move on.

I was fine. Like I usually am. I might have inadvertently triggered her. I was asking in casual conversation and didn't notice any real change until we pulled in and sat down at the table. I think it was memories. She said later that she was so angry with herself.

Ok. Yeah. just a little bit. well.. maybe more than a little... Healing for us in a way?

Well, yeah.

Isn't that part of "seeing" remorse in action? Regret?

If you know, if you see, that those decisions which hurt you so bad, also hurt her... well, then you know that she "gets it."

That's a comforting thing.

But at the same time, many things which feel good to you feel awful for your partner. For instance, after a cathartic angry outburst most people feel great! But their spouses and children usually feel terrible.

Be careful seeking out opportunities to make your spouse feel remorseful, particularly if she's with you when she does so. MarriageBuilders is a very Pavlovian approach, and if too often your spouse feels sad when you're arround, they'll begin to associate you with feeling sad.

No quarrel there.

The point, however, is that seeing remorse etc from the FWS - which could quite easily be "seen" through Radical Honesty (specifically emotional honesty) - is something... centering.

As far as triggering?

I am an absolute believer and advocate for relocation. Haven't got it done myself yet, but everything right now is working towards permanent and distant relocation of our family.

Well, had we known about relocation 3 years ago, I'd have moved to Ireland. That might've been far enough away. As it stands, there aren't many triggers (if any) here in town, and OM1 & 2 left town. I have applied for jobs cross country and we'll see. The trigger spot in question is over half hour away where most of her last A took place and we rarely have reason to go by there unless it's for her eye (which also locks us here for another 10 months. But we are both hoping to move once the gets get their wings spread a bit... in the next year or so...

CV

Lol.. you forgot mudslides and fires too! We actually get a few tornadoes in our neck of the woods!

Man we must be fairly close in proximity... I'm bout 30min s. of q-town...

Tonight has been a weird night.


It is an anniversary of sorts... It is the day 4 years ago that W and OM became an item (of sorts)... To top it off, we led a MB book discussion on HNHN. I thought I'd be triggered but I'm not.

This is the first year i haven't been triggered.

Just wanted to share...

CV

That means you've come a long way...

That's what I am thinking.

When do you enter that final phase from recovery to recovered?

Let's say that restitution is being provided, but it is no longer required. It is continued because it is voluntary. forgiveness is finally offered by the BS.. Is that recovered?

I hope to be as grounded in my recovery as you are at your point post dday.

Im finding a woman working on her recovery from her A is special. If she is sincere and follows her husbands expectations and demands and allows her husband to meet her missing needs, then the marriage indeed can be great after everything.

There are dozens of things me and her are doing (non-SF stuff, mind you) we havent prior. We talk like never before. Eye to eye, no TV, no kids, just her and I talking about things I never had interest in. We walk all the time holding hands. We have gone on coffee dates to Starbucks, just to be alone. We make plans, committments, goals. All things we never really did.

CV, youve been a big help to me so Im glad you are in the place you are with your wife.

Thanks. We find ourselves doing many of the same things (we actually have been doing them the last three years, but time is getting more difficult to manage since the kids are getting older).

I am still amazed at the depth of the change. In both of us. But you are right, the recovering FWW *IS* special... Maybe even more special than before. So many things we took for granted are now staring us in the face as opportunities. I never, ever, want to forget that.

CV

I don�t know if the poster:
Stunned-dad-fast recovering has been mentioned in this thread. He is very relevant to the topic of the thread title. His wife was a sexually abused when she grew up. Stunned-dad later left his profession to study to become a MC. He is a MB success story.

His first post:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...;Main=53631&Number=562222#Post562222

Frank,

thanks for this. nice post. Oddly enough, I have been taking counseling classes as well!