IMO UR O is not that of a mental health professional or psychologist, so the approach this woman should take to her marriage is all about what is in her O, yannow.

Where are you getting your statistics? Do you have a link to a study, quote from a reliable source?

10-14%

http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/wiferape.shtml

http://www.crisisconnectioninc.org/pdf/US_History_of_Marital_Rape.pdf

10-14% is far. too. common. PERIOD.

Happens. too. much.

In.a.nut.shell.

committed

Cause a big thing??

Lord...this is a HUGE thing.

He has violated you in the worst way known to womankind and you don't want to make it hard on HIM?



Just...

committed

I'm actually in a very similar situation. My husband and I have been through several "rough patches" over our three-year relationship including an eviction (he was handling all the bills and I had no idea we were even late), legal problems causing him to be arrested and thousands of dollars in atty fees, two serious motorcycle accidents due to reckless driving - the second causing him the loss of most of the use of his right arm/hand, he disabled all three of our vehicles and we are now without transportation, he cannot seem to keep a job...

He started treating me differently shortly after moving in together. There used to be a high level of respect between us both and we would never call each other names or disrespect one another in front of friends or talk to our friends about one another or raise our voices, etc.. He suddenly began yelling to shut me up, I found out that he had been talking to my female friend about our personal relationship issues behind my back (which ended our friendship) as well as forwarding embarrassing, private pics I *very* reluctantly allowed him to take on his phone to almost all our mutual male friends as well as forwarding text messages he received from me that sent alone, out of context, sounded horrible considering no one knew I had reached my breaking point after being harassed all day via text message while at work over petty issues. He even sent one or two of these to his mother.

Our relationship has slowly degraded over time until present when I also recently have been waking at night to find him touching me even after I have specifically told him I know what he is doing, it is NOT right and he better stop. There hasn't been any penetration, but I still feel VERY violated. Each time I wake and push him off me and react, he either apologizes and says he'll "never do it again and he doesn't know why he keeps doing it" or he blames me saying it's my fault b/c I have deprived him of affection and sex OR he vehemently accuses me of masturbating and that automatically means he can join in, of course. How I'm touching myself in my sleep when half the time I sleep with my hands over my head or pants on I have no idea, but he calls me a liar when I deny it and even yells and reacts almost violently when I tell him he is absolutely WRONG and I was in no way doing what he is accusing me of doing.


I feel stuck b/c I ("we") are now in such a bind financially due to him currently being unemployed again and our only income being my small unemployment check and the fact I am also completely stranded here due to my car being out of commission b/c he HAD to make a spur-of-the-moment trip late one night after I told him not to use my car b/c it wouldn't make it - the engine light was on and I needed an oil change. He also pretty much drove a wedge between most of my friends and I, even friends he didn't know that well and even friends that knew me years before they met him or they *only* knew him through me.

The funny thing is, even with all his suspicious behavior and lies (several email accounts all w/different pswds, locks on his calls and msgs in his phone, disappearing for hours at a time while I have no idea where he is or who he is with or finding out later he wasn't where he said he would be), he has attempted on more than one occasion to install a keylogger on MY laptop, he has tried installing a text message tracer on my cell phone (along with constantly reading my text messages and emails b/c I don't like my accts), he has tried installing cameras around the apartment for when he is not here or I've found him watching me from another room... Luckily for me, he is also *extremely* scatterbrained (he has AD/HD but refuses to see a professional or seek medication or treatment for it) and each time he has tried installing these programs he has also left the program open after it was done installing on my computer or phone and left the camera up on either his computer or MY computer or on one occasion I found his phone, recording video, set up in our bedroom while I was getting dressed after a shower.

He has promised me we could go to counseling together, but so far, his idea of counseling is to search for articles online about how wives "withholding affection or sex" in a marriage is wrong and therefore, I need to start having sex with him "like we used to". Meaning when we first started being physical with each other and naturally were having sex as often as possible, sometimes more than once a day. If I refuse to have sex with him, he'll immediately go down the list of all the other things he would accept in lieu of intercourse even when I've said I don't feel well or even if we just had sex within 24 hours or less! And on top of harassing me daily about it, he also masturbates *several* times a day and will disappear to our bedroom for at least an hour if not several hours with the door closed - sometimes confiscating my laptop to look at porn. Even after I've told him I don't want him using my computer for that (he even tried using my *sister's* laptop to watch porn while she entrusted it with me to fix some virus issues she was having!! He waits until I leave the room or fall asleep or am not paying attn, then does whatever he wants anyway..

So frustrating!!!!!!!

Darksville it is a terrible situation you are in....I would suggest copying your entire post and starting your own thread and asking for help.

We have done a lot of talking, and I'm not sure where we will end up, but we both want to try. He has brought up possibly going to some sort of sex addict therapy. I'm not sure if that would make a difference or what, but I appreciate that he even wants to. I have considered having him move out, but I'm not sure what separation would really accomplish. I know he knows how very serious this has become. I think before he thought once it was all out that was the bad part, but it's just been festering all this time. I can see how exposing him could be beneficial, but I also see a lot of serious harm in it. I mean, an affair or something is one thing, but being called a rapist.....that's something else. The label is harsh to me. I don't know what to call it. And I would NEVER want my children to know what happened. I have a feeling that would come out at some point if we were to tell anyone. But I also don't know what I would say if we split up. Anyway, I just bought his needs her needs on my nook, and I'm reading it and he wants to as well. We have a lot of work to do on our relationship, and I'm not sure if it will even make a difference in the end. How I wish there were some way to just wipe my memory clean!

Darksville....

we do have a lot of similarities, except for the financial is quite opposite, my husband has worked every day of our relationship, and I exclusively handle the money so we are stable with that. But yes, I think my husband blames me for withholding sex and does not take full responsibility for what he did. He also admitted to me he is still using porn, even though we have been over it many times. I don't know if he is capable of stopping, but I just don't have the tolerance for it, I don't even know how much he is doing it or how big the problem is, I don't even feel like dealing with the issue right now.

Anyway, until recently my husband just did not get it, but I think he is now in the place where he truly wants help and realizes what he did was really wrong, I think your husband needs to get there and stop blaming you. Of course, I am in no position to hand out advice.

If its not a rape, then why not tell folks? Get their perspectives. I can imagine the label is very harsh. But why? Is rape harsh? I think the reason it sounds so harsh to you is because you are in denial. And it is for that reason that exposing it would be helpful. Keep in mind that if you had called the police and given them this evidence, it is very likely your husband would have been arrested. Rape is a very harsh word because the ACT is very harsh.

I don't see what going to sex addiction therapy would do for rape. I think you should write Dr Harley and get his professional perspective on this.

Blackbirdy, do think it would be wise to leave yourself unprotected or your children?

From the links HHH provided above:

"...Everyone has the right to live in a safe home. " And you have no right to take this safe home from you children. I see that your H doesn't see himself as a threat nor do you. I would seek help immediately.

Ok well, I found out my husband contacted Joyce last night and will be on the show. At first I was mostly upset that he was going to be on the show, as I didn't want that. And then I realized that it at least can't hurt to get a professional opinion, but I'm still annoyed that through all of our talking, he still would do something like that and not even consult me. I'm sure he will be reading this, but I don't mind.

As far as my children go, I am very careful with them and honestly if I felt at all that he was a threat to them, I would without a question be gone, no matter our relationship, my children's safety comes before all else.

When he told me about writing the show I asked him to forward me the email so that I could see what he wrote. I was extremely disappointed and hurt with how little he mentioned, all he said was a brief "I touched her in her sleep" plus some other stuff that I don't even care about anymore. I think he has a major disconnect in what he did, and perhaps tries to just minimize to himself even. Maybe I do too sometimes. I have been doing a lot of reading on the surviving an affair area and have learned a lot, some of it is so like my feelings and our situation, some of it is way off, I mean, it's not exactly an affair, but he was doing this with other people on the internet. And I definitely could not think of a better word than feeling betrayed. I just don't know what steps to take now. I don't know if I can resume a sexual relationship with him, but I feel that I have to at some point, as obviously we can't be married forever this way.

So he lied to them? They can't very well help if he lies. You might want to email her yourself. I did email them the link to your post so I hope they see it before the show.

Oh i guess I forgot to add that. After I read the email and expressed my displeasure, he DID send a follow up email referencing my post on the forum (which I suggested) and also wrote some more himself. He sent me that email too so I know he did do this. It also seems that he actually talked to Joyce to set up the time so I have hope that he is actually going to be honest this time with the whole truth. I don't know if that will be the case, sometimes I wonder if he can help all the lying.

Is he on the show today?

yes, he was just on.

So what did you think? Interesting that the Harleys had to beat the truth out of him.

I'm listening to it as we speak. Wow. He is really trying to hide it from them.

For a minute there, I thought he was going to lose his nerve and not say it. I'm not sure if they would have if he didn't, but in the end he was very forthcoming and truthful. Much more so than he has ever been to me really. I was really proud of him for doing it, I know it was a really difficult thing to do. And he was really nervous about being on the show period. He said he didn't know they were going to be so specific, but I think it is better that they were!

I guess I wasn't really surprised by what was said mostly, but I did learn a few things. One, perhaps it hasn't always been smart of me to continue sleeping in the same bed with him, but I have been and I do believe he has been respectful of me. And with the Dr. saying it, I guess I really do have some trust and love left, I must if I am going through this.

Another thing, I was unaware that he was actually turned on by my being asleep, which I'm not really sure I've fully processed that, and not sure what it means to me. I mean, obviously he was turned on, but I mean more so than if I was awake.

I would definitely agree on the type of liar he was pinned as, and that was no surprise. I like the idea of a counselor, but I honestly don't see why he wouldn't just lie to the counselor, and he probably would.

The biggest thing is sex. He's not supposed to do anything sexual without me, but that means I'm supposed to have sex with him then I suppose. We haven't in awhile, at least a couple of months I think, and I'm not too thrilled about the thought, but I am feeling a lot better towards him just because he did take this step to get some help. We didn't have sex for at least 6 months after this happened, and it's not been often since.

He's gone all day with work and other stuff so I haven't been able to have a conversation with him about the show, it's almost surreal....the fact that he even did it.

I thought it was interesting that he had brought up the baby thing in his email, as yes, it was upsetting 10 years ago, but we have moved past it, it was the first very hurtful thing though, and that's when I found out that I was married to a liar. Honesty is so important to me (top emotional need!) and I had NO idea that he had such issues with fulfilling that need until I was married with a newborn and stuck. I felt very resentful and it took a LOT for us to move past it, but we did. It is amazing how fluidly he lies and even has elaborate scenarios to go along with his lies, he's very good at it, so it is harder to trust him. He can lie to my face so smoothly I never knew what hit me. I'm sure he could trick any counselor as well.

The sexual thing, I just don't know. I know I need to TRY for this marriage to work.

Oh and I was very relieved honestly that the doctor said 1) it's not that uncommon and 2) it's fixable. I know Joyce said that was it, she would be gone, and that's pretty much what everyone says that hears the story, but for him to actually give a plan and not say divorce him, it means everything to me. I don't want to think I'm just being stupid for wanting my marriage.