Over the last few months I've extended a hand to my Wife to let her know that I am willing to begin recovery, I've sent her cards, let her Mother/Father and family know that I'm willing to begin to put it back together and that THERE IS A VALID PLAN AND PROCEDURE TO DO THAT!

The response from her has been SILENCE!!!

So....looks like it's Plan B time.....what else can I do?

But......I still feel like I've failed......and I know that's NOT true.

Bill, just a reminder that a true Plan A means to leave your expectations at the door. I know, easier said than done (actually, I even had expectations in Plan B, so who am I to talk?) But if you have no expectations, how can you fail?

On a different note Bill, the old adage "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" rings true. You have made every effort to show WW you are committed to recovery. If she fails to commit to recovery, this is not your failure, it is hers. I am really starting to see that waywardness is NOT about the BS, it is all about the wayward. No amount of pleading with the crack addict or gestures to show your commitment to them changing will make any difference until the addict themself recognises the need and commits to change.

I know these words can't change what you feel... but I hope they help.

Bill, it is time for Plan B... because YOU deserve to remove yourself from her drama. Despite her lack of contact, you are reacting, planning and desperate to think of ways to win her back. I've been there. Sometimes still am, even in Plan B. But having just entered my 7th week of Plan B, I see progress in me. Let the wayward sort out the affair and their waywardness for themselves. What Plan A is designed for is to show what the wayward is missing out on, what they could have had, when or if they emerge from the fog. You have done this and more (although I recognise that BH's should Plan A longer thaen a BW). But ask yourself this... what will continuing Plan A achieve? Other then depleting your LB$? Plan B preserves your LB$, and your sanity, as well as building a better and stronger you after a tough Plan A. So if WW does decide to recover the marriage, you actually have some love and motivation left to do so.

Bill:

I couldn't agree more with Caracol. You have been in agony for weeks on this forum.

It's time for you to write down your expectations, your deep love for your WS and let her go.

Then, it's like you need to also write a plan Bill. The plan you'll employ to help you recover who you are, your confidence, your sanity and your life.

That way, you're set. You're healed if she comes back, and you're healed if she doesn't. Either way, you're better off than where you are now, which is pretty much destroyed.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BILL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Bill,

I would totally have to agree that you are in need of Plan B. Take it from someone like me who fought against doing it, also, but I now have a much different take.

It's been almost 4 months since my last communication with my wife and I'm so much better than I was before. Have I had some days during that period that were awful? Absolutely! But those days get fewer and fewer as time goes on.

Does Plan B mean that you no longer love your wife? Absolutely NOT. It pretty much means that you've come to the conclusion that you can't change your spoise. You've reached the point where you realize that trying to love them back to you just will not work.

I haven't stopped loving my wife even though I know she's with another. I haven't stopped caring for her. I haven't even stopped thinking that at some point her fog will clear and the woman I fell in love with will be resurrected from the dead.

Right now, I am the only one I can control. I am the only one that I can change. If your relationship is ever to rebound and be reconciled, understand that it's not gonna be something you can control. The ball is in her court and, unfortunately, the fate of your marriage is in her hands. Only if and when she WANTS it will things change.

Believe me, it's been an extremely hard thing to come to grips with but you can do it as have so many before you. Stay encouraged. It does get better.

Caracal.....I sit here.....emotionally exhausted.....and I know that EVERY one of your words is correct.....ugh.

I have been a fighter my entire life.....If we had time I'd tell you about my trials through life.....and EACH time that I was knocked down I would IMMEDIATELY start to stand back up....nothing was going to knock me down......NOTHING!
But.....THIS TIME......Since July 4th, D-Day.....I've occasionally heard my own inner thoughts.....saying "Do you really want to get up? Or just stay down this time? Is it worth it?"
I have NEVER heard that before from my own mind in all these years!

Caracal.....you are RIGHT!!
I'm borrowing part of your signature line and modifying it for my use:
"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
I still don't get it!....my Wife NOW isn't the woman I fell in Love with and Married!!
I just don't get it!
It's Plan B time.
I've seen the letters .... please help me find them again on the forum.
It's time.
Thank You Caracal
ugh

Sweetpea.....I know you're right too.....I don't want this......but I can't stop it......can't make her change.
I know you're right....I know.

It really can't be any worse than the last 2 months, since D-Day....since the selfish silence from my Wife after I exposed her....can it?
PLEASE tell me that it can't get any worse.


Accepting that idea...is the pain in my chest.....my head knows it's true!.....telling my heart is the problem.....and it hurts.


I trust your words....I have to!!
"It does get better."
Dr. H is right......worst thing ever.
Thank You Marksaysay....thanks for sharing.
Tonight.....I take control of ME.......right after I stop the tears.....and there has been too many of those this summer.
IT'S TIME FOR ME!!!
Thanks

Thoughts and prayers are with you in this bill. You will get better in plan B if you do it right, not worse.

CV

Well I wish I could say I NEVER thought, "oops", tried to stand up and stumbled, and fell down again, but I must admit, the adultry thing is the most painful to overcome.

So painful God tells us we don't have to if we don't want to.

I think of it like that scene in Braveheart, when Wallace pulls off the helmet of Robert the Bruce, and knows he is alone. Then is when he feels the arrow in his chest, then is when he becomes weak, when it all turns against him, he feels his own mortality.


So now you have to look to God, and ask him WTF? I am sure you have, and because you are here, you have sound spirtual guidance, and are doing the mechanical things that will promote your healing,

Just like before, when the world/life has handed you chalanges, sticking close to God, and his promises, will pull you through, into an even stronger man than before. Gods plan remember?, His creature, not our own.

Hang in there Bill, you will break through to a better place brother

One of my last comments to the Wife was this:

"I never expected that the knife that was plunged into my back would have YOUR hand on it!"

God please help me.

Its a rollercoaster Bill, but God is there and you will pull through it my friend. Rest in Him

Bill, you can do this. Focus. Remember the plans... Plan B is for ME! Follow the plan. It will take some time to shift your focus... all of your focus has been on your WW. But you will be able to do it.

I am assuming you have SAA, so you have Dr Harley's recommended letter from Jon. Here is a link for another (I hope it works, not the best with this IT stuff).
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1642447&page=5

It shouldn't be so hard logistically for you to enter Plan B given you are currently separated as I was. The emotional aspect is another arena, and from what I have read it seems the BH's on here seem to have a much harder time entering Plan B. I wonder if this is about being the KISA, wanting to rescue the WW? But you are still acting the KISA by entering Plan B Bill; leading by example and setting limits on what you will and won't accept in your marriage and life. By fighting for what you believe in, even if it means having to let it go. You are fighting the good fight Bill.

And here is your mantra Bill. "It's time for me!"

Get your IM, change your email and phone numbers. Make sure WW can not access you if she wants to, and that you will not know (or wait) for her to make an attempt. Make sure your IM has read up on Melody's IM Training under notable posts. Get your ducks in a row. And write the most loving Plan B letter, use it as a map to give your WW directions back to you, back to the light. And then poof, you are gone. DARK. If she follows the Plan B map, your directions, then, and only then, will you stop being dark. And your wife will reach the light.

Post your Plan B letter for the vets to see if you need help.

It is time for YOU.

i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers Bill i dont post much but ive been following yours and a few others threads while dealing with my own problems.

good luck with plan B use the time to heal yourself.

It's been a VERY busy work week for me.....THANK GOD!! I needed the blessed opportunity to spend time with those who I can serve (Cancer Diagnostic Imaging) rather than focusing on my own problems.
THANK YOU GOD for the chance to serve those children of yours who are in greater need than myself.....Thank You God.

Ok.....sorry, but what is a KISA?
I've searched the site for the acronym and can't find it and I AM STILL FOGGY once I click on this forum to return.
I feel foolish admitting this.....but truth is truth!
The Plan B letters from Pepperband are good, I am going to cut and paste, and add, until I get one that fits my purpose.

What did I learn this week?
My Wife may abandon our Marriage in order to escape facing the truth of her affair and my exposure to our Friends and her family.
My Daughter may abandon me (hasn't answered email/texts for a week) to escape facing the FACT of her own Mothers affair and the constant reminder of that fact.

I am "assembling" the Plan B letter....I don't like it.....but I'm doing it.
Am I paranoid?

This breaks my heart Bill. I have been following your thread and have been rooting for you.

I know in my own case, I did not see any change in my WH until I got tough. Maybe Plan B will bring her around. If not, it seems to really help others in their own personal recovery.

I don't know if it's recommended, but maybe you could send a copy of your Plan B letter to your DD also. Then she can see for herself that you have left the door open to WW for when she decides to commit to the M. It would also help DD to understand what you are doing and show her that you are protecting your love for WW.

Otherwise, WW will spin the plan B to try to make you look bad...again.

Stay strong.

Sorry Bill, knight in shining armour!

And I agree with Pokerface about letting your DD in on the Plan B letter. She should know that you are simply closing the door to WW rather then locking it (as WW will likely spin it). I like to think of Plan B as the BS closing the door, but keeping the welcome mat out. Now the WS has to knock to enter, and wait for the BS to invite them back in providing they meet the BS's conditions.

I think that's an excellent idea!
Thanks to you both for the insight.
I believe that my DD is VERY susceptible to her Moms manipulation....and a copy of the Plan B letter to my DD will bypass what my DD will get from her Mothers "interpretation" of the Plan B letter.
How did it EVER come to this?!

Bill,

have you ever asked DD why she hid the A for a whole year and didn't tell you?

I don't want to seem mean here, but it seems that she was complicit and kinda supportive of the A through her silence.

CV