This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance.


I have just found marriage builders, and spent a long time yesterday reading through all of the basic concepts, and I finally feel a glimmer of hope that our marriage is salvageable with some work.

Here's our situation. I am 28, my husband is 31, we have been married for 10 1/2 years. We have two children, 10 and 7.

Not that I am by any means a perfect person, throughout our marriage, it has been my husband's poor decisions that have caused huge issues and have driven me to the point that I am seriously considering divorce.

He has made many varied terrible decisions that have been draining emotionally and financially. Possible cheating (I am unsure to this day, he stills definitely says no, but he admits he at least considered it) that was years ago, recently, he drove home drunk and damaged my car (thank god he did not cause an accident, get caught, or hurt anyone). He has had issues with porn, and the list goes on. A major one is he lies constantly, about small and big things, and it is a huge love buster for me!

The major issue is what I mentioned in my title. Sexual abuse. We have had sexual problems basically our whole marriage, it has flipped between one or the other of us not getting enough sex/intimacy. Mostly him though. I now realize that after reading the concepts, I had created a sexual aversion by giving into sex when I didn't want it, and unknowingly had actually followed the advice on getting over it. Almost 2 years ago, we had been working on my lack of sexual interest by doing touching exercises and all that, much like is described, and I was finding I actually was feeling some interest and was looking forward to the sessions. He was very understanding and not pushing me at all to be sexual.

So, here's what happened. I am a very heavy sleeper, yet also suffer from insomnia. I can sleep very heavily at times, especially when I take something to help (I have zero issue falling asleep, but cannot stay asleep). What I am aware of definitely happened over multiple nights as I have figured it all out. At the time, I first thought it was a dream, but I now know he was touching me in my sleep sexually, and actually fully at least started the complete act (he did admit to this). He also admitted to using the webcam to broadcast this stuff on chat roulette, a video chat kind of site that connects you with random strangers. I was completely repulsed and felt very violated. It just crushed my whole world and I felt I had no safety in my own home.

What I don't know, how long this went on for sure (he says just days i think) and I don't know that I trust there are no actual videos out there on the internet somewhere, that either he created or maybe someone could have recorded from the site.

It has been a long time, and I still cannot get over this. I don't know how to approach this with the MB mindset, as I feel that my trigger is my husband himself.....and even more specifically his penis. I can't hardly bring myself to look at it, and certainly don't want to touch it or pleasure him in any way. It brings back a lot of emotion and I am so traumatized by it I still cry every time I think of what happened.

I know that his greatest or at least top two emotional need would be sexual fulfillment but I don't know that I will ever be able to WANT to have sex.

Is it possible for this marriage to work, when either his greatest emotional need is never met, or I am forced to submit to his sexual needs even though I find them damaging?

We have not seen a counselor, I am afraid they would recommend divorce honestly, and it isn't really what I want. He is still the father of my children, and there was a time we were very much in love. He is very remorseful and wants to work through this as well. In fact, he has just begun reading the info on this site as well.

I need to know specifically, what actions I should be taking to help, the basic concepts make so much sense to me and I really want to try to make things work.

Hi, Blackbird, Dr. Harley typically finds that when other problems in a marriage are resolved, sexual problems usually resolve themselves. In cases where they don't, there may be a sexual aversion. You will probably find a lot of helpful information in his sexual aversion article:

*link removed*

However, in your case, I would suggest that the real problem is these other issues in your marriage. He possibly cheated? I would want to not only find out the truth about this, I would want him to set up the situation to make cheating impossible so that you can trust that he is not cheating. Porn? Has he stopped this? Lying? Drinking? And then his horrid behavior with broadcasting you without your CONSENT??? In the face of all of this, there is no way you can cure a sexual aversion, until he actually changes something and you have a chance to see that the change is permanent!

Do you have Dr. Harley's book Love Busters? Your husband has got to address all of these things once and for all and help you to heal from them before your relationship can be healed.

Given your husband's possible cheating, and sexual abuse, you might consider clicking "notify" and asking the moderators on this site to move your thread over to the "Surviving an Affair" forum. Some of the people there might have some good insight for your situation.

I have no idea how a person comes back from a sexual assault. Personally, I could never recover from this. What about this marriage is there to save? You can't be intimate with the man and you can't ever feel safe sleeping in the same house with him. What is there to save exactly?


Maybe your emotions are correctly telling you something. Trauma such as this is something to avoid, not to embrace.

Blackbird, I have removed the link to Dr. Harley's sexual aversion article. You've obviously already read it. Understand that you cannot overcome a sexual aversion without a lot of changes from him. The aversion is protecting you. Trying to overcome it in an unsafe situation is dangerous.

If you are interested, Dr. Harley has a daily radio show and takes questions by email. He and his wife Joyce host the show and are great at providing help to people. You could ask him what it would take to overcome this. The address to email is mbradio@marriagebuilders.com . The radio show site is: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=12

Your husband has raped you and should be charged as such. Take his computer to the police and tell them you believe that it contains evidence of your rape. If he uploaded it to the web, it is on his computer.

Criminal acts cannot be addressed using MB concepts.

You were raped.

That is criminal.

I agree. Ugh. You have been violated in the most horrible of ways.

Thank you, CWMI, your explanation clarifies a lot for me about this situation.

I definitely realize what he did was very wrong...criminal even. And I think he recognizes that as well. We do both want to get through this, but it is a lot to overcome. I hesitate to even ask on the radio show, it's the same reason I don't go to a counselor. They are going to say divorce. But if we are both determined to NOT divorce, isn't there some hope? Is an abuse situation ever fixable? What about verbal or physical abuse...not quite the same, but if they are ever overcome, our situation has some similarities. I have started reading the affair board as well, I certainly can see how a lot applies to our situation, even though I'm not sure that any sort of affair ever went on. I don't know what my next step should be. I'm not ready to leave, as painful as it all is.

You can stay married to him while he is in jail, and while he completes his rehabilitative treatment for his sexual predatory nature.

Think about it--if he will do this to HIS WIFE, what else might be up to? Wouldn't you hate to say nothing and have him face charges of raping someone else? Someone you could have protected?

You are protecting him from the consequences of his actions.

He needs public accountability for his deeds. He will NEVER get that women are not objects for his pleasure until he is held accountable.

Your next step is to inform the police. You have *evidence*. There is something very, very wrong with a man who would rape his wife. Think about that. I think you have been.

At the very least, he should enter a program of recovery for sexual predators. The police can tell you how to find them.

I am thinking along the same lines. How do you come back from being sexually assaulted?

If this marriage is savable, Dr. Harley is really your only hope for coming up with a plan. I would call the radio show before taking another step.

I don't think the answer is necessarily divorce. But your husband is going to have to get some serious help in order to protect you from himself. He's going to have to do a LOT of changing. Dr. Harley can point you in the right direction.

QFT

Does anybody else know what he has done to you? Your family? Your friends?

No one else knows. I think it would be really weird to say, and I don't think family and friends could ever look at him the same. I don't want to ruin his life and cause a big thing. I just want to heal and move on with our lives.

How are you going to heal? Only you can answer what it will take for you to forgive, and what you will do from there. You've said he seems remorseful--is he? What kind of remorse do you need? What kind of repentance has he offered?

"Sorry, I won't do it again" is NOT remorse and repentance.

You can't make it un-happen. Some people cannot put these kinds of things behind them until they remove the violator from their life. You've been struggling against this for a long time...what will it take for YOU to heal?

For me personally, I need someone to be willing to acknowledge the harm they've done and make PUBLIC apologies for PRIVATE transgressions.

You don't want to ruin HIS life??? He ruined his own, hon. He raped his wife. He ruined yours. Hiding someone's wrongs does not help them do better.

Think about oft-quoted material from this very site.
If people who have ranked infidelity above the mental and psychological pain of rape can recover their marriages...

This occurrence is far too common to have not been faced by Dr. Harley.

HHH, I believe those people are not talking about being raped by their own spouse, but strangers or acquaintances. This kind of rape carries with it the betrayal by a spouse AND physical assault. Who feels deep betrayal by strangers?

I, however, also don't think the marriage is beyond saving. Also however, I do not think Blackbirdfly is helping her marriage recover by keeping his secret.

There is something very psychologically wrong with a man who would do this to his wife, not once, but repeatedly. Normal people would feel deep shame the first time and never do it again.

Please do email the Harley's, I am very interested in what they have to say. I wonder if they would recommend a sex addiction/sexual predator course of rehabilitation.

Blackbird, do ya'll attend a church?

(ooh, I do, and we had a special speaker last night for married people, who recommended that the church start a new ministry, made up of at least five HUGE GUYS, call it the "Laying on of Hands" ministry, and send them out to "heal" the men who scream at their wives. lol. Love my church!)

Why do you say this is common, HHH?

But those people have not been sexually assaulted by their husbands. Just because the TRAUMA of those crimes is in the same league, doesn't mean the crime is the same. Many people do come back from adultery, because good people can and do commit adultery. But what kind of person RAPES? It is a completely different animal. What is the procedure for coming back from THAT? I don't profess to have any idea.

I would say that this falls into the same category as physical assault, and Dr Harley recommends separation from wife beaters for at least a year to see if professional help will change them. I would think AT LEAST the same path, if not something more stringent, would be warranted.

So while the trauma of certain crimes might be the same, the solution is not the same. Someone who rapes his wife on tape and broadcasts it on the internet is sick and dangerous, IMO.

You don't have the power to ruin his life. If his life is ruined it will be because of his disgraceful criminal behavior. Your family and friends SHOULD look at him differently. Obviously, their view of him is based on faulty information. By keeping this secret, you are protecting him from the consequences of his behavior which only ENABLES him to be a bad man.

You should tell everyone what he did and DEMAND he get professional help. Personally, I would kick him out until he got his head on straight and would only take him back if a professional psychiatrist assured me he had made a remarkable change. He is dangerous to you.

For rape to occur withing a marriage? Sexual assault to occur between a wife and her husband?

Because statistically, it is common. Far too common.

Not justifiable. Not excusable.

And that mention was again because; as a clinical psychologist specializing in saving marriages, Dr. Harley has without a doubt faced situations exactly like this in his decades of practice - and probably multiple times.