I am new to the MB website, but have already gotten a lot of encouragement by reading others' posts.

Unfortunately, I'm not new to the whole affair thing. My wife is currently in the middle of her 3rd affair. The first one happened about 5 years ago and was a short fling. The second one lasted from the Fall of 08 to the Fall of 09. I found out about it and confronted her. She admitted to everything and cut all contact with the OM. I thought things were going ok for a while, but she began to get distant again. She also expressed frustration that I wasn�t moving along in my recovery from her affair.

A woman began working with her during the Fall of 2010 (at a Christian preschool/daycare). I immediately sensed something. I was not comfortable with this OW. I asked my wife to limit contact with her, but she refused. She began spending nights out�going to the bars�or just sleeping over at the OW house. I suspected more than a friendship, but she always denied it. Well, May of this year (2011), we got in another argument about this relationship and she left for good. She has been living with the OW since then.

She has been bringing our 3 kids with her to that house every week for 3 or 4 days at a time. I always protested, but she always blew me off. Because of that, I filed for custody. That infuriated her. But I had to take the steps to protect my kids. Unfortunately, the court date isn�t until December!

I have recently found evidence that they are in a romantic/sexual relationship. There is no denying it�the evidence is as solid as it gets. It confirmed all my suspicions. Because my kids are being taken to this house where this is happening and because the 2 of them are in close contact with 50 other kids at the church preschool where they work, I believe it�s time to act.

This is the plan I�ve come up with. I would appreciate input or suggestions. Thanks�

(BTW: she has already taken all of her clothes with her. She rarely comes home for anything. So I�ve changed the locks�.she just isn�t aware yet. I should also mention- she doesn�t know that I have this evidence. In fact, she still thinks I�m oblivious to the lesbian affair she�s having.)

- Confront her 1 more time�give her the chance to admit to the affair (but without revealing evidence).

- Tell her that if she does not cut the relationship off with the OW (whether she admits to it or not), then I cannot remain in this marriage.

- If she denies the affair again, bring the evidence to her employer (the church pastor and the preschool director). Don�t hand it over, but allow them to see it. Hopefully they will take action and fire one or both of them.

- Call the OW�s husband and call my wife�s parents (although they like the OW and they don�t see anything wrong with homosexual relationships�so this might not make a difference).

- I don�t have a Facebook account, but I�d like to somehow post something on their pages. Not sure if that�s possible.

I don�t want to do any of this out of revenge. It is purely to shed light on the sin�to starve it of its fun. I�m tired of the secrets and I�m tired of her lying to her good friends and family. She says she is saved. I saw evidence of it in the past. She was a beautiful woman when she was walking with God. But she has become trapped in this pit�to the point where she told me she�s not doing anything wrong. It�s scary. So if anyone has any tips, I�d like to hear them. I want to move on this ASAP. Thanks.

EXPOSE TO EVERYONE.

Step 1.

Employers, family, friends, the OW family and friends. On Facebook.

Come back when all that's done and let us know how that went.

That may be enough to snap her out of what she's in. If not, there's other things to do. But mass exposure is your first move.

You are married to an unrepentant serial cheater. Who will cheat with men or women. She will cheat in her profession and in her faith/religion. Her reason for cheating is because you can't get over her cheating. Explain exactly why you want to remain married to her? Oh and you are obligated to let the church know. In the first place, employment contracts with churches often require some type of statement of faith and a code of conduct. Get moving and expose.

Thank you, Mike. Just getting everything in order now and trying to figure out the best day/time to do this. I'll let you know how it goes.

Ouch-
I know what you're saying. The same thoughts have crossed my mind numerous times.

I honestly still love her and I know the importance of raising children in an intact family unit...not broken and tossing them back and forth. I also want to demonstrate to my kids what true love and forgiveness means. I believe that God can heal anyone and rescue anyone from their screwed up lives. Of course, it is also her choice. She still has the ability to do a complete 180 (and stay there for good this time). But if she chooses not to repent of this and keeps doing what she's doing, then I'm done. But at least I know that I did everything I could for her and my children.

At this point, I've learned to stand up for myself and take care of myself. I know that I don't NEED her. I'm prepared to move on if she doesn't want this marriage. But this last step has to be taken to force her to make a decision.

Today and now are good.

She's living la vida loca and you are dying a slow death. Three affairs is a scary thing to me. And, only you know why you want to save this marriage. So, you need to get aggressive.

Get the book available on this site Surviving An Affair and both of you need to read it.

You'll learn about the fanstasy life your wife is addicted to. She has no guilt because she thinks you always be there. Thats what my wife no doubt thought. Upon dday, she knew right away my stuff was packed and Im going after our kids if she didnt step to. When she saw her life flash in front of her she began to rebuild our life.

Get to work.

I should also add-

besides the custody papers already filed, I gave my attorney the green light to write up divorce papers today. I also packed some of my wife's stuff in boxes and took my ring off finally. She noticed the boxes and the missing ring and questioned me. I think it made her nervous.

I've read Surviving An Affair on my own. I'd like to eventually read it together.

As for the day/time, I want to make sure I have the kids with me. She has them with her for 2 more days, so it might not be smart to reveal it today.

Quote

At this point, I've learned to stand up for myself and take care of myself. I know that I don't NEED her. I'm prepared to move on if she doesn't want this marriage. But this last step has to be taken to force her to make a decision.

Looks to me like she already made her decision. A serial cheater who will continue to cheat is someone who doesn't want the marriage, but does want someone who will continue to enable her affairs.

You don't have a stable family unit and it sounds like you don't have a stable wife. You say that you understand that a stable family unit is important and you want to teach your kids what it means to be married, but what are you REALLY teaching your kids? That it's ok for Mom to run around with different people, take off when she wants to, and drag her kids into the middle of her affairs? What are you teaching them about yourself, that a husband just sits back and takes this?

Americajin-

First of all, I haven't told my kids that their mom is having an affair. I don't think they need to know at their age. When they get older, yes....but not now.

And no- I'm not sitting back and taking this. I said in my post that I am exposing it to everybody, I've filed for custody, and I've filed for divorce. I'm standing up for myself and for the future of these kids. They will understand one day exactly what went down and what I did to protect them.

She's never been faced with this choice before. In the past, I quickly forgave and tried to move on with as little drama as possible. But now I'm letting her know that if she wavers at all and can't figure out what to do, then I'm gone.

mattyhild, your children are old enough to know the truth of what their mother is up to. I suspect they already have a pretty good idea if they're spending that much time with her and her OW.

Children deserve to know the truth of their life.

While you await a Trial date in December...can't your attorney file an emergency petition requesting a list of emergency Temporary orders pending the trial date? Stuff like:

1. Exclusive use of the marital property pending the outcome of the divorce. She's already abandoned the home...moved her clothes and all personal items out so this is just a way to make it formal so she can't just barge back in.

2. Temp support and custody orders pending the custody TRIAL (you'll want to hammer out a few temporary financial orders especially because you don't want the judge to think number 3 below was your primary concern as some judges just don't care about adultery all that much (some certainly do) and may not be pleased wasting their time worrying about who WW is dating. Number 3 should be presented as an after thought...last on this almost as a standard order. Betrayed husband's don't win in divorce/custody court by being OR seeming to be vindictive angry betrayed husbands.)

3. Orders forbidding exposure of children to paramours and no overnight guests not family when if and when the children do spend the night.

Speak again to your attorney and see about filing for EMERGENCY TEMPORARY CUSTODY ORDERS PENDING TRIAL.

Mr. W

Matty,

With the previous 2 affairs was the OMW or girl frinds told of what happened?

She should not be running a Christian day care, the pastor of the church needs to know what is going on.

God Bless
Gamma

Personally....if I were you I'd be D.O.N.E.

She'd have to be begging for another chance and proving herself worthy of another chance for a long time before I'd even entertain the notion. It's done. It's over. Your battle now is for custody and a favorable divorce. If it's saveable at all...that's for HER to figure out, not you.

Play it smart. Make sure your exposure is one full swoop to everyone...and then you'll be done. Tiny increments of exposure here and there seeking a reaction is just further brutalizing you. I KNOW you've been through a lot these past few years so you just get exposure done once and then, very soon go to Plan b and let your attorney handle the divorce.

Also make sure your exposure isn't vindictive sounding....just informative and asking for prayers of support for you and your family. (I don't think your exposure letters/emails should include the customary "I'm fighting for my marriage" as why should you be? Three strikes she's done and your exposure letter may even indicate that.. Nothing mean that can be used against you in your fight for your kids....just maybe: I'm exposing her behavior so everbody is aware of why I am filing for divorce and moving to protect our children for her conduct, this is her third affair and the last one she's ever going to be having on me. I hope to protect the children to the extent I can from any and all additional abuse. Please pray for me and our family and we endure and attempt to recover from these difficult times).


You've already reaped the rewards of the soft understanding/forgiving approach. She never earned your forgiveness and it was only a set up to further abuse you. Whether she repents or not...you need to get as far away from this woman as possible. Maybe someday forgiving her again...but from WAYYYYYY far away. As Christians we may be called to forgive but we don't have to resume relationship(s) with our abusers. Your children are watching you and will model your behavior someday when THEY themselves enter relationships with abusers. It's a cycle...so I pray you can lead them out of it by teaching them about boundaries and consequences.

Anyway..I'm rambling. Good luck.

Mr. Wondering

The first one was with a single guy...an old boyfriend from high school/college days. The second one...yes, the OW was told. All contact was cut from our side and their side.

You are wrong about not exposing to your children. Dr. Harley strongly recommends letting children know the truth about their life. If you do not expose, your WW and her OW will spin it to suit them and you will never be able to get the truth into your children's hearts. They will of course KNOW the truth, but they will be very confused because their father is not reacting appropriately to the truth of their lives.

The 8 and 10 year old can be told very plainly that their mother is involved in an adulterous, homosexual affair with OW and that you of course cannot tolerate that from a wife and you will be divorcing her. If you believe homosexuality to be a sin be sure and tell them that as well. Do not whitewash your her sins..do not water down your morals. I am not sure about the 5 year old...maybe someone can chime in with proper wording for a 5 year old.

I told my ds, who was barely 9 at the time EXACTLY what was going on. My then WH (now X) was FURIOUS..he wanted me to tell ds we were getting divorced because we 'didn't get a long and fought too much.' Which of course would have been a lie, and I don't lie to anyone--most of all not my son.

I see what you're saying. I'll consider talking to my 8 year old about it. Probably not my 5 year old. As for the 10 year old....he's my stepson. I've raised him since he was 8 months old, but because of all this, he's disowned me and never leaves his mother's side. He no longer calls me 'dad'...it's my first name now. He's been brainwashed just like my wife.

I have talked to my attorney about this. She said they can't do an emergency hearing if the kids aren't in danger. And they really aren't- at least not physically. They get fed and they have a place to sleep. They aren't being abused. I may not like the living situation or the fact that it's a lesbian relationship, but the courts don't care about that part.

Hi MAtt, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

Dr Harley would tell you that you SHOULD expose the affair to your kids. Giving kids false explanations for your wife's absence only teaches them dishonesty and makes them confused. Your wife is teaching them that wrong is right [with her affair] and unless you reverse that with the truth and some moral guidance, they will conclude that their instincts about right and wrong are very stupid. Don't do that to your kids. I assure you that your wife is giving them guidance, immoral guidance.

Your kids are plenty old enough to understand what adultery means and why it is immoral. Kids are not made happy or secure by telling them lies. Illusions just make them confused and insecure. And they will likely conclude that they are the source of the problem if you don't tell them.

So, please tell them the truth ASAP and explain why adultery is immoral. They should know that the OW is their enemy.

I understood the concept of adultery when I was age 4 and I am not the brightest bulb on the tree. My father introduced me to his affair partner and I sensed something was wrong with this set up. But obviously what seemed wrong to me was not wrong to adults. [mother bein' "non judgemental" had remained silent] I concluded I was a stupid girl and grew up profoundly morally confused.

Your 5 year old will GET IT. And he/she needs to know that this is a very immoral situation and given moral guidance.

The 5 year old needs to know what is going on too.
Otherwise, they won't know why their life is a horrible nightmare (and it IS).
You can provide emotional support and tell the child you are their rock to lean on and they can count on you.
YKW? Children are people too. People who deserve the truth of their life.
I told my kids. They are handling the mess far better knowing what the deal is than they would have just guessing and conjecturing.

No, it is not pleasant needing to tell your child about something dreadful like this.
No, it is not pleasant exposing a spouse's cheating to others.

You did not ask to be in this situation. You did not choose it.

You choose to be brave to deal with it. You are forced to do unpleasant things because of it.

You choose to move through it with your best choices of many choices along the way. Sometimes the best choice is still yucky, miserable, sucks.

Marriage Builders is an awesome plan which gives direction to move through infedelity. You have to take a deep breath to follow it BUT in the end, you will be in a far better place than if you follow your instincts, your old way of protecting your spouse, etc.

Trust in the plan. Roll with the punches as you go but trust in the plan.