Nothing will get better in your marriage as long as you keep having AOs. When are you planning on stopping them?

The demands and disrespect on your part aren't working too well for you, either, are they.

You can control yourself. When do you plan to start?

BTW, never confront someone who is having an AO. He is temporarily insane at that moment, and it will only make things worse.

Remove yourself and your children from the situation. If he balks, then tell him he's having an AO and you're not going to talk to him until he's been calm for an hour. Then leave. Don't try to have a conversation or to straighten him out. Just leave.

I realize I'm not doing my part. Thanks for the reply Prisca. I'm just not sure how to do it. God is working on my heart in the direction of being personally responsible, and I know I can do this. There are times when I do a great job with his AO, but yesterday was not one of them.

And his response to my feelings in the text is pretty typical.

This is good Prisca. I've never thought of AO that way. We were all eating dinner, and he was ranting in the kitchen. So, I should just get up and bring my 12, 10, and 2 year old where? They had to leave in about 10 minutes and needed to finish dinner! Just need some thinking outside the box for future reference since our schedule is so tight on most weekdays.

So maybe I demanded he bring my toddler instead of requested. The atmosphere was ugly but it doesn't change how I should respond. I said I need you to instead of will you please. I'm so bad at this!!

And I just opened the oven door to find all my hard work was left in the oven overnight! What a day!

What are you going to do to change that?
Be specific.

You sure did.

You were also not willing to accept a "no" for an answer. You are still very much willing to gain at your husband's expense.

When was the last time you read Lovebusters? This is how Dr. Harley describes an AO.

Couldn't be much tighter than mine -- I got 6 young kids.
I guess you need to decide which is more important -- the kids finishing dinner, or escaping the emotional damage of an AO for both you and the kids, and also removing yourself from the chance of responding with your OWN AO.

It doesn't matter where you go, just that you are out of the situation, and he has at least an hour to calm down. You also need at least an hour to calm down.

The lovebusters and their fallout MUST stop one way or another. Your marriage doesn't have a chance, otherwise. How are you going to do it?

Thanks Prisca. Specifically, to start doing my part I'm going to read Lovebusters on my own since we've barely gotten past Chapter 1 together. That's a start.

These specifics are very helpful to me. Thank you.

Start with the chapter on Demands, then come back with a plan you've created on how to eliminate those in yourself.

Get Dr. Harley's workbook "5 Steps to Romantic Love" and use his forms to help you come up with a plan.

Do the same with Disrespectful Judgments and AOs.

It's time for you to stop talking about how you're not good at this, and actually start doing some work on getting good at it

I'm really grateful. Right now things are getting tighter than ever financially, and I keep buying all these books that aren't getting read! I'll change that. Maybe tomorrow I can call in to the radio show and see if they'll send me 5 Steps to Romantic Love.

I'm really grateful for this eye opener. It's really great that you were able to see what I need to work on based on my side of the story alone. I can only imagine what you'd see if my husband posted here!

Thanks.

Calling the radio show is an excellent idea.

I read the chapter on Selfish Demands tonight. We were just about to get there together, but it was good to read it myself and not TO my husband as if I'm instructing him. Open and honest, right? Well, my pride is a huge problem.

I need to tell him what I would like and then ask how he would feel about that with every intention of retracting my request if there is not enthusiastic agreement. Then, maybe I could make a different thoughtful request if my need is not met.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid he will never meet my needs without a demand, and I'm afraid he will be mean when I am nice. That's the truth.

But something has to change and it's up to me.

*note- this very instant I changed a demand into a thoughtful request, and it went alright. But he did sigh on his way out of the room. Should I have called for him and said nevermind?

A very common feeling. Dr. Harley addresses this in his article on the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation.


Making requests instead of demands is going to take practice. But you can do it. Start by apologizing to your husband for being demanding of him. Let him know that you DO care for his wants and needs, and that you DO NOT want to gain at his expense. Ever. Tell him you're going to start making requests of him instead of demands, and if he doesn't want to do what you ask, that you will accept a "no." Tell him you'd like to start negotiating, so that both of your needs can be met in a way that makes both of you happy.

This is what the Policy of Joint Agreement is based on. Don't do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse AND don't agree to do anything unless you're enthusiastic about it.

Read that article above that I linked to on Successful Negotiation.

It sounds like he agreed to your request because he thought he had to, not because he was enthusiastic. He's probably in the habit of doing that, actually, because of your lovebusters. If he doesn't do what you want, you're going to get disrespectful and angry, and so it's just easier sometimes to give in.

Right now he suspects that anything you ask of him is a demand, because it has always been that way. Or at least as long as he can remember. Whenever you ask him to do something, and he says "no," you punish him with disrespect and anger.

You can phrase something as a request and it still is a demand -- for example, you can ask him to watch your child while you run an errand. It may sound like a request at first, but quickly turns into a demand when you will not accept a "no":

"Honey, will you watch Joey for me while I run to the store?"
"No, I can't right now."
"Oh you Lazy Bum, he's your kid too! Do I have to do everything around here?! Fine, don't help, I didn't need your help anyway ..."

You need to let him know that you do not want him to agree to something if he is not enthusiastic about it, and that YOU WILL NOT PUNISH HIM IF HE SAYS NO. And you need to live up to that. It may be a while before he trusts your requests as actual requests and not thinly veiled demands.

Practice the phrases "How do you feel about ..." or "I would like this, what do you think?" Practice taking HIS feelings into account in EVERYTHING you do.

This may be a good thing for you to ask Dr. Harley about on his radio show.

Have you contacted the show yet?

Thank you Prisca. I do feel naked, but I know it's good to make these changes. My husband always said he didn't feel safe with me but I disregarded it bc I didn't feel safe with him! It's been so ugly, and we truly have wanted to do good things for each other. We haven't had the tools. We have never seen a relationship like Dr Harley describes, and we are Christians who grew up in Christian homes!

I will try to read that article tonight.

And yes my requests have always been demands bc his no would hurt my feelings and I would think, "that couldn't be right!" so I'd try to stand up for my feelings out of fear.

I went to this site to get info to call in this afternoon and saw that I had to email first, so I did. I basically asked what you suggested.

I really appreciate your input Prisca. Thanks.

The naked feeling will go away when you're in the habit of using POJA and Negotiation, and both of you protect each other at all costs. You're putting down your weapons, and it's scary. But there's something a lot better for both of you. Fall in love, and who cares if you're naked

You can do this, it's just going to take work. And a commitment to follow the program every day.

Does your husband post here?

Great to hear you emailed the radio show. Watch your spam filter -- sometimes it catches Joyce Harley's response to you. If you haven't heard back in a few days, you might want to email again. It seems like sometimes the first email gets lost.

And be sure to let us know when you'll be on!

There is nothing that says you have to accept him just giving in.

Now I don't mean coping an attitude and saying with a head bob, "If you don't want to do it, then don't."

Why not try something like, "You don't sound very enthusiastic about this. Our relationship is more valuable than me getting my way at what appears to be your expense. Let's take a break from this and return to it ________ with some ideas. Maybe you have an idea you are more enthusiastic about, or maybe I can think of a different way to accomplish this.

Is it OK with you if we return to this at a later time with some new ideas?"

And leave it.

He may become enthusiastic, or he may shock you with something even better than what you were thinking.

Or he may not.

But you have to begin the habit of not accepting acquiescence. You can't force him to negotiate, but you can always refuse his surrender.

I have been learning. Here is my attempt at locating my own DJ's:

Prisca had a major influence on helping me understand SD. I started working on that going into last weekend, and it really made a difference when we went to a marriage retreat.

The biggest thing I learned at the marriage retreat was VALIDATION. I just did not comprehend what that looks like. The retreat focused on it, and it helped me understand the difference between feeling statements and judgments.

We are practicing what we've learned, and I'm looking forward to moving on in the LoveBusters book. I've read some more to my husband during our trip out of town, but this time it was at his request. He is learning how to make thoughtful requests as well.

He is also acknowledging my need for him to step up as spiritual leader which makes me feel 1000% better!

So far, I'm addressing SD and DJ. The next thing to work on is AO.

I've tried implementing with my kids what I learned over the weekend, but it doesn't all apply since I am in authority over them. I'm trying to use more feeling statements, and I've begun to recognize just how many DJ I use with them! This must change. I'm having to change my approach with the hubby and the kids at the same time, and the curve balls I'm getting from the kids have thrown me for a loop. I wish we had something like this for parenting!

Anyway, thanks to you all for helping me make the right steps forward in my relationship, and thanks for helping our friends through their infidelity issues. Priceless!

We've also implemented some of these things with our children. It's a little different, as you say, because there is some authority there on your part as the parent. But, even children do not deserve AOs or DJs. You have accounts in their lovebanks, too. And you can just as easily drain their lovebanks with verbal abuse as you can your spouse.

I've also used the terminology with them, hoping to train them to see these things in themselves --
"You're having an Angry Outburst. Go sit down in your room until you are calm."
"You are being demanding. You can make requests, not demands."
"You are being disrespectful, and here's why."

A lot of these things are a lifestyle change, not just things to do for your marriage. When you can be respectful of your kids, you are building a habit that will make it easier to be respectful of your husband. When you are not demanding of the store cashier, you are building a habit that will make it easier to not demand from your husband. When you do not allow yourself to have an AO at bad drivers, you are building a habit that will make it easier to avoid AOs with your husband.

Good job on recognizing your own demands. That's a very good habit to put into place.

Did you ever get a hold of the radio show?