Hello

I am new to this forum so I apologize in advance if I do something incorrect. 9/4/11 was the day my life came to a grinding halt and a bomb was dropped in my lap. My husband revealed he was having an affair (for 6 months) after much questioning and snooping on my part. The affair is over and I have no reason or evidence to suggest otherwise. 3 weeks later he finaly told me what "his confusion" was all about. He is being selfish he tells me and that he really thinks he would be better off single. He just wants to be happy and if we couldn't make our life work after 24 years together maybe it wasn't meant to work and we should just cut our losses. He is 47 this year. We have known each other for 27 years and have two children. He also tells me that he will go to counseling and read the books that I have purchaased because he knows it's the right thing to do and that he is "obligated" to do this. He is apathetic and flat. As we move through this process how to I manage my expectations for his behavior to change? How do I manage the hurt I feel when I am confronted with the fact that I am the only person who wants the marriage to work? How do I manage the hurts that happen when he is not acting, doing or saying the things I need? How does he become motivated? How do I control my paranoid behavior so I don't smother him? I just feel so out of control and that what bomb is around the other corner. I have had to pull everything out of him to this point. I feel like I have lost all sense of who I am. My confidence is gone. How do I stay motivated to fix my marriage when it's quite possible that his efforts will be just going through the motions? I have read the articles on how one partner can fix a marriage and that is helpful.

He says I don't trust him because I continue to check his phone, our phone bill and our credit card. My thoughts are since it has taken weeks to get all the truth finally out of him, my trust didn't have a chance to build as more keeps coming. Am I justified in screening as I do or should I just say I can't control him or his actions and stop the snooping?

I have purchased His need Her needs and have spent numerous hours pouring over the articles on this web site that have been very helpful. I want to have hope that I can fix our life and it become better, stronger and loving. How long do I work if my husband's apathy continues? How to manage my behaviors and psychoanalyzing every action, communication and inaction that occurs with my husband?

Thank you in advance for an comments. RMK

I am 100% sure the affair/contact has not ended.

Counseling, reading the books together, talking about fixing the M = banging head against the wall if there is still contact.

1) move this to the SAA forum by pressing "Notify" and asking the moderators to do so

2) don't tell your WH about this forum and don't ask him about the affair anymore. The affair has gone further underground and asking/talking about it just reminds him to be very careful. Erase your computer history so that he doesn't find this thread

3) go out and QUIETLY get a GPS/VAR to install in his car.... Keglogger on the computer...today if possible

4) answer these questions

~ Who is OW? Coworker? Is she married?
~ Who have you exposed to, if anyone?
~ How old are your kids?

If you find out ANY further evidence of contact, etc... DO NOT confront your WH. Come back and tell us and we will help you with your next steps.

Hang in there!!!

Oh, and order the book "Surviving An Affair" And your WH shouldn't be reading HNHN. So put that to the side...for now...

RMK, I am sorry to tell you this, but it is very likely the affair is still active. That is the CAUSE of his apathy. I don't need a psychoanalyst to know that. He is emotionally distracted and apathetic because he is invested elsewhere.

Does your H EVER see the OW? Do they work together? Live close by? Is she married? Who is she?


Of course you don't trust him. He is untrustworthy. So that is silly for him to state the obvious. When he says this, just agree with him and tell him he is correct, you don't trust him. The fact that he says this to you is another indicator that the affair is still on. He is trying to make you feel guilty for not trusting him. If he had nothing to hide, he would WANT you to check so he could prove his fidelity. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

You want to save this marriage? I will tell you how. No guarantees, but here is your best shot. Stop asking him if he is cheating and stop snooping in the open. Instead, act like you have no suspicions and start quietly sleuthing on him. Hire a PI to tail him [the fastest horse] or install a spyware program on his cell phone [eblaster or flexispy], a keylogger on his computer, a GPS on his car, a VAR in his car.

Quietly get all the goods on the affair and come back here. We will help you with next steps. The key is to kill the affair. Once you do that, you will have a marriage to save.

Bingo! You got the wrong book. You need SAA.

Good girl! You should be snooping! He has shown himself to be unworthy of any of your trust! He had an affair, and now he's righteously indignant that you don't trust him??

You are absolutely justified in monitoring him to confirm he is who he says he is. There is no place in a marriage for secrets. He should welcome your confirmation if he has nothing to hide. My FWH has no problem at all with any kind of checking I care to do to confirm my safety with him and the safety of our marriage.

Who is this broad, RMK? Did/do they work together? Do you know her? Is she married?

ETA: RMK, you also should NOT divulge that you are snooping. This is not something he has the right to know. And if he IS up to no good and knows you're snooping, you'll drive him underground. Waywards are known to do some pretty crafty things to hide their affair - like getting prepaid cell phones, setting up new email accounts, etc.

Sadly for them , most waywards are so busy thinking of 'mememememe' that they become sloppy hiding their tracks. Snooping will uncover that.

She was some random person he met after a concert. Recently divorced and our of work. Looking for a night in shining armor. Which he played well. Now he is confused. He lived in a fantasy world and now he's not sure what he wants. How long do I allow myself to hope? How to snap out of my sadness? Thanks rmk

No he doesn't see her she lives 4 hours away. Thanks

RMK, it sounds like he does still see her or speak to her. I would do some super sluething to see what he is doing. You also need to find out if she is married. She may be married. It is very likely he is lying about WHO the OW really is in order to throw you off. Please find all this out - without asking him - and come back here. We will help you save your marriage.

I am absolutely sure she is not married. I found her and her many social network affiliations. Also spoke with her and my WH friend who was there the night they met. So I am as sure as anything these days that she is nit married. WH has been very transparent about phone! Email etc. He just took 3 weeks to tell me about his detachment which is dishonest. Holding back is as bad as lying. He says everything is out and because of e bubble he allowed himself to vision single life and that is could be better and in his mind I had already checked out. In his mind the decision was made and now that I am fighting and willing to move forward I don't thing that was what he expected. I truly think he thought I would kick him to the curb. If I should put something on my computer or his car or his phone I will. But somewhere in my brain that makes me feels dishonest too. When does it stop. Doesn't one of us have to start from somewhere. He answers all my questions. He showed me her text that she sent him on his birthday which he didn't respond to her texts via our phones that i could see in the usage He didn't cover his tracks well with the affair. I just think I didn't want to see it. Now I am a sleuth. I check the credit card every day, the cell usage, bank statements and computer history. Had I done all that before he would have been caught much sooner. Once I did confront him , he could have continued the lie
and he didn't. He told me everything about the affair and then together just this past thursday we told our two kids. Their ages are 15 and 18. Someone asked their ages earlier. So to sum up I am very confident the affair is over. But one weird charge or one weird number or one time he is unaccounted for I will be enlisting your help for the tech sleuthing suggestions you all provided.

My STBX only acted "confused" when there had been ANY contact.

You need to realize, and fast, that your WH is NOT your husband that you have known and loved for years but rather he is an addict and all addicts behave VERY similarly. The posters that have been here for any length of time see the same patterns here over and over and over and over again ~ so we can more accurately predict what your WH is going to do than you can...even though we don't know him.

If there is ANY contact AT ALL (FB, text or phone conversation) your WH will remain "confused".

The addiction is so strong that you almost have to assume there is contact unless you can verify otherwise... A VAR/GPS & keylogger in the car is going to be necessary for you until he gets through withdrawal ~ which he most certainly is not.

Even though she lives four hours away, they could meet halfway, 2 hrs and that's NOTHING for a WS looking to get a fix.

Waywards can adapt and do what they need to to take the affair underground. This happens so often around here, it's not even funny. That's why the basics that you are doing aren't enough.

OW could have bought him a throw-away phone. Affairees use these OFTEN. The only way to know is by putting a VAR in the car. Computer histories can be altered. You are going to need a keylogger...

Well, feelings are not truth. It's not your brain thats telling you it is "dishonest," but your emotions. And your emotions are leading you wrong. Of course it is not dishonest. It is dishonest to lie and commit adultery. It is not "dishonest" to catch someone cheating. Is the FBI being "dishonest" when they catch drug dealers? Of course not.

RMK, your husband has all the signs of the someone who very much is still in an affair. He wants to leave to be "single." His odd objection to your snooping are huge red flags. Those tell me and the experienced eye [others see it too] that the affair is not over. You can't very well catch him if you are only checking a cell phone bill and a credit card bill. Even a half wit adulterer could hide an affair if that is all you are doing. Many buy new pre-paid phones, pay in cash, talk on office phones.

Do yourself a favor and step up the snooping. I suspect you are going to find he is still in contact. He is probably planning on leaving but doesn't want you and the kids saying he left for an affair. That is pretty common.

Step ONE in recovery is making absolutely sure the OP is completely excised. Please do that. Do that and then you can go onto Step TWO, which is recovery.

The fact that you are relying on an adulterer for your source of information is very alarming. That tells me you don't have a realistic understanding of your husband's state of mind. The very person who has the greatest motivation to lie cannot very well be trusted to tell you truth. YOU need to find this out on your own so you are not in a position to ASK a liar.

Snooping could save your marriage, RMK. And I would strongly encourage you to step it up. There is more going on here, I suspect.

how do I do the things you are suggesting? what are my first steps? I need guidance to navigate this?

go to the electronic store, or walmart and get a VAR (voice activated recorder) They are around $40, and about the size of a cell phone or smaller

get some velcro with adhesive. I used the industrial strength, found it at a fabric store

practice with the VAR before you install it.

stick it under the seat in his car.

does he have a laptop at home that he uses?

How do you think he communicates with the OW? What kind of cell phone does he have? Does have a laptop?

Cell phone is our family plan is the only one that I know of. No activity on that plan since his bday 9/11. No laptop the only thing could be a hidden cell phone that I don't know about or at work. WH did have a yahoo account but he closed it while I watched so IDK if that is going on now or not.

I would suggest you put a VAR in his car. If he's gotten an affair phone he'll probably use it when he's driving alone.

I agree with MB about putting a VAR in his car. I would also search his car for an affair phone AND put a keylogger on the computer where he had the yahoo email account. A good keylogger is eblaster or spectorpro. [spectorsoft.com] eblaster will email you reports so you don't have to access that computer more than once. If you have daily access to the computer, I would use spectorpro.

Do you think he uses the landline to call her? If so, you can buy a phone tap at Radio Shack or Brickhouse.com online.

Got it. Will go to walmart ASAP. How long should I monitor?