MelodyLane,

Thank you again. You have been so helpful. I agree and understand. And I am not going to stay in a marriage despite continued abuse. I have told her and stand by my committment that if she ever touches a drink of alcohol, a drug (prescription or illegal), ever has another affair, or even does something that I haven't pre-defined but is crossing an obvious line, then I will end it all then and there. I will not tolerate anymore such behavior.

The only thing I have been struggling with honestly is do I wait to find out if she crosses the line again, or do I leave now regardless of what she may be capable of.

I have read that article about forgiveness and I really appreciate his illustration. It would be irressponsible and a genuine disservice to forgive someone who is not genuinly repentant or who can repay the debt and is just trying to avoid that for selfish reasons. I don't really like the way that he states some aspects of it, such as "in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse" and referring to it as "just compensation". This almost gives the impression that the unfaithful spouse is repaying their debt in full. I know he doesnt mean that because he later says...

"But forgiveness is still necessary even after compensation is made. That's because there's really nothing that can completely compensate for the betrayal of infidelity. Even after compensation is made, there is still the need to forgive. But it's sure makes a lot more sense after the unfaithful spouse makes an effort to restore the relationship."

I really do agree with everything he is saying and what he means. I just dont like for it to sound like they can fully or fairly compensate/pay back the faithful spouse for what they have done. Anyway, again, its a great article and makes some great points.

I appreciate what you are saying. And perhaps I just have my blinders on. But with the lying/disappearing thing. We are talking about 1 time for 30 minutes since she came clean about everything. Was that acceptable behavior? NO, of course not. But does that mean that she has not changed at all and doesn't want to change? I don't think so. I think it means she is selfish and inconsiderate. And like you said previously, I think it means that she needs a big dose of reality. But if she wasn't trying awfully hard, I wouldnt be struggling to figure out what to do. If she were obviously just telling me what I want to hear and not backing it up with any action at all, then I would have sent her on her marry way. But as with most things in life, its just not that cut and try. She seems to be trying very hard, its just that now when she messes up, she is under my magnifying glass and I can use it as an excuse to lose my temper with her. But then again, she is a professional level lier and deceiver, so she chould be totally duping me again. If she is the charade wont last long and I'll have my answer.

Thanks again,
Rich

I would give her about 15 minutes just to be nice; that is much more than she deserves. That is about how long it takes to make a decision to change one's behavior. Those changes in her behavior need to happen NOW. My XH gave me about 30 seconds to get my act together. I could do that or get packed and get out. I chose to change my behavior right then and there! Funny how fast things can change when you have a gun pointed at your head!

I would also suggest you put a GPS on her car and personally VERIFY that she is attending every AA meeting. Send her with a sign in sheet and have the chairman sign it with her name and phone #. They do this all the time for judges and parole officers.

Alcoholics are notorious liars and I can't tell you how many I have known over the years who got busted skipping AA meetings to go off and drink/wh*re/whatever.

The idea is to hold her accountable at every turn. Don't ever give an addict the benefit of the doubt. It is bad for them and bad for YOU.

p.s. you might want to also slip some spyware on her phone. if she has an android or a blackberry, you can use eblaster, which also has a built in GPS. Another good one is flexispy.

And don't cringe at spying on her. That is good for HER and good for you. By holding her accountable you are helping her learn new habits.

p.p.s. You can attend open AA meetings with her and I would encourage you to to that. This way you can meet other AA people and familiarize yourself with the program. I would just keep her away from CLOSED co-ed meetings, because they are pick up joints.

lol, well yeah, I didn't mean for her to decide to get her get her act together. I just meant as far as making all of the changes she needs to make. But I appreciate what you're saying...

I am going to get a GPS as soon as I can, but right now, I'm trying to keep food on the table, bills paid, formula in the bottles, etc... As far as the meetings. I took her and dropped her off, watched her go in, waited a bit, came back a little before it was over and waited for her to come out. Obviously I can't do that for all of them going forward. I do like the idea of the sign in sheet. I still want to get a GPS put in, but until then, this would be better than nothing.


I didn't even think about it, but when you point it out, that makes sense... Thank you...

As far as spyware on her phone. Unfortunately, thats not an option. I wouldn't cring or think twice about it either. But she has a cheap Samsung Seek with Boost Mobile service. I don't think there is much I can do with it and I can't afford to upgrade her phone or service right now.

Thanks, I have been learning about the meetings where they are, what kind they are, who can attend which ones, etc. I told her that I would like to go with her to some open co-ed meetings, maybe one of the ones that has a speaker. But have made it clear, for me, it doesnt matter if it is open or closed, I'm not comfortable with her going to co-ed meetings unless I am there with her. She is agreeable to that.

Thank you again, and again...

Regards,
Rich