I would ask about a poly. It would bring you great peace of mind. His response will be an indicator.

The keylogger is good, if he didn't know about it, that would be better. But, if he knows and is OK with it, well enough.

Porn is like an addiction, he may struggle to let it go. Then again, there are the exceptions that can walk away cold turkey.

Prayer is very helpful, especially when a couple does it together. My FWH and I started praying together about 6 months ago. We are very honest and open about our struggles and prayer requests. It has been a wonderful addition!

I hope you have caught this before anything physical has happened. Keep in mind, if something physical has happened, he is not going to tell ypu. (call me "negative Nelly" here, but just speaking from experience.)


Keep up the good work

I know he wouldn't tell me. Steve H and I discussed the "evidence"'and he agreed it's most likely not gone that far.

thats good to hear that Dr. H believes it has not gone that far.

Now ya'll have to work on getting him a job that does not travel.

I have a few more things I'm planning on going over with dh regarding EPs this weekend.

And Melody, I had to mention, I was driving and praying for nearly 2.5 hours and when I was getting near the destination I saw the sign for "Texas Roadhouse" restaurant. I immediately thought of you and felt stronger! Thanks for all you do and the tough stance you take against evil.

Ok so dh seems to have a little more understanding about the porn. He says he is staying away from it. He does think I make too big of a deal about it though.

However, I continue to clean up my side of the fence. I am treating him very well, meeting his ENs for SF quite well, and admiration. He will take me to dinner once or twice a week but that is about the extent of any type of RC. I asked if we could possibly golf 9 holes tomorrow. He says maybe. Mind you, this is his top hobby, he LOVES it. I see a text from his BF that they are going golfing as usual Sun morning. So that means we aren't. I also asked to go w him several times this summer. No Go. He likes the competition with the guys.

I've tried to come up with other RC we can do together. He just can't agree to anything. Says he only has weekends at home, doesn't see how we have the time etc.

I guess I'm to the point where I just need to admit that my feelings/ENs matter very little to him. So I can accept that and try to find happiness in other things, or not. I'm finding it very difficult to continue with doing my part. He likes what I'm doing, but doesn't reciprocate, only responds to what I plan (sometimes). We have a large family, I don't want to separate or D, so maybe I should just stop reading on here. It just frustrates me and makes me feel left out and unworthy.

Also, I am reading Codependent No More and think I'll also join a 12-step program like Al-Anon. I don't think he's an alcoholic, but his drinking has increased recently and I feel like the golf is an addiction as well.

Here I am again.

Was texting with dh tonight, he's out of town for the week. I go to visit tomorrow night.

He texts me this, when we had not been talking about anything of the sort, and after we hadn't texted for like 10 min. anyway. In fact he had summarized what were talking about just a little earlier so I know this wasn't to me:

"A little, what do you want to talk about?"

then nothing

then "little drunk"

He never says he's drunk to me. Knows I worry that he has a problem with it.

I'm thinking that he pulled the wool over my eyes with craiglist and he is a bit drunk and thought he was texting someone else. Of course he is denying it. Says he was texting me, playing some game. Keeps calling me baby, which he does rarely. HELP!!!

Now he's saying I'm just trying to get rid of him, jumped to conclusions etc.

OK. I think I've got a plan, please give opinions on whether this is the way to go:

1. I can't live apart anymore, we have to be together every night.
2. I need to be able to access his computer/phone at any time (keylogger etc.). He talked me into taking the keylogger off because said it was messing up his computer.
3. No drinking unless we go out and decide to do that together.
4. No porn use.

He hasn't wanted to commit to the MB program, but we've been getting more UA time cause I make the effort. I'm concerned that if he really wasn't doing anything, that I'm being too harsh by requiring all this. But I think it's just normal concern for your spouse, isn't it?

5. He has been against the 15 hour UA time. Should I require that?

The only thing I think keyloggers really mess with is streaming content (IE porn)/Warcraft.

He's gaslighting...

You are not being too harsh. This is what good marriages look like.


Most definitely.

sad to hear his behavior is on-going.

I was afraid it would not be that easy to break. The sinful behavior escalates becuase he needs a "stronger" hit when he gets bored with the porn.... it will only get worse. I read a great quote in a book that has stuck with my FWH and I
"Sin NEVER satisfies" He thinks it will...but, it won't and he will keep looking for that satisfaction at the next level...ect..

Your H does not sound like he is remorseful/repentant for his bad behavior. He must be completely broken and understand the ramifications of his sin, before he will change.

You can make a list of EP's, that is a great start. My FWH and I have quite a long list.

My FWH rarely travels (about 3 times in the last 2 years for a couple of days) But, it is very difficult! He is on a list for a transfer to a agency with no travel. Anyway, yes, you need to be together NOW and every night. This will help greatly and keep him accountable.

I would have a long talk with him, ask him to disclose everything he has done, write it down (so he cant come back with a different story) then have him take a polygraph.

You need to decide what the outcome will be if he has had sex with OW/OM.

I'm afraid so, about the gaslighting.

I think he would just say forget it if I asked for a poly or anything. He is VERY STUBBORN. Not trying to DJ, love him, but he seems to feel that anything I need is a control thing.

Not saying I won't require it, just giving you background.

Am I crazy to think he's answering someone with that text? I hadn't asked a question and he's answering one (what do you want to talk about and yes he's a little drunk). Said he was just trying to play a game or talk sexy.

Just need some reassurance.

No you are not crazy.

Is it possible to check from who he received messages just before you got these texts?

Is his phone a work phone?

Can you look at his phone records?
If it is a company phone, you may only get to look at the text history that is on the phone.

If it is a private phone, you can log online and get the history of numbers dialed.

I am so sorry. I have a personal history of a spouse who does this type of stuff. (Dating sites and porn) It is very painful.

He is hiding the truth and gaslighting you. For you to get to the truth you are going to have to be very strong.

I have no idea why PWW (porn waywards) feel so entitled to hide and continue this behavior against a BS wishes. Sometimes I think they feel (because no OP) that it is a personal right to act in this manner.

True, without a traditional OP, it makes it a little harder to track activity, but there are ways to do it.

Can you talk to Dr. H again?

you are NOT crazy! the crazy part (for us BS's) is thinking our H's could be doing this.

My FWH called me while out of town on business long ago and asked (drunk) "what are you wearing?" ....I thought...hmmm, that's odd...he never says stuff like that to me...WTH??

Well, a year later I discover his A's. Most of his mis-conduct was by email and phone. Lots of "...what are you wearing.." and loads of filth like that.

You are not crazy. Your H is leading a secret life. He does'nt want to stop.

You have to put your foot down!

I know you don't want to believe it. I ignored my gut for too long.

I looked at the records. Looks like I was the only one texting at that time. I know there are apps though to make it not go through AT&T. I don't know that he'd make that mistake though, switching from texting that way to texting the usual way to me. So confused. All I know is I can't tolerate this being apart anymore. I know about the porn. I know about him looking at craigslist ads. I know he's drinking. I think that's enough for me to say I need to feel safe.

I found this from your other thread. I think you need to focus on finding what is REALLY going on. Listen to your gut feeling. I'm sure that the porn is a side-product to an internet affair or something more serious.

ditto!

I get the feeling there is ALOT more to this.

You need to have a "come to jesus" meeting with him, make a list of all he claims to have done, then schedule a polygraph. That is the ONLY way you will get the truth.

I've been where you are. After 5 months of trickle truth I demanded a poly.....boy, the story sure changed then!

Even if you are together from this day forward (physically), don't you want to know what is/has gone on? His A's and bad behavior can go underground. You need to know if he has exposed you to any STD'S! he could kill you with a disease! he could ruin you financially, he may have fathered other children...who knows!

You deserve to know the truth, and to be able to make an educated decision about what you need to do.