Sunny, at surviving affair, you give me a lot of support.

After one week, my H choose to stay, we have a long conversation last night, but he can't answer me if he love her now or not, is this Q stupid?

I understand it's an emotional affair, I feel so unfair, so worse of that, & still don't understand how could he feel that way? especially he think how she respect & appreciate him, it's like he steal the thing belong to me & give to her, support her, then, she show respect & appreciate, & meet his need? shouldn't she appreciate?

Now he'd like do Dr H asked, & ask me out for following weekend,is this too fast, the Q still bother me, how could he do that? I don't want he just tell me he is wrong, I need he realize that feeling he had is built up at..., I don't know

You don't need him to answer that question. It puts him into "protector liar" mode: either he'll lie to you to avoid hurting you, or he'll remain silent to avoid hurting you. He loves her, or at the very least cares about her. And probably will for the rest of his life.

Everybody carries around Love Bank balances from previous romantic entanglements. Even you. Your first kiss, the kid you took to a dance and had a great time with, someone you dated and parted without hating them... they all have residual Love Bank balances. It's just part of life, and the primary reason why rule #1 of avoiding affairs is to never have any contact for the rest of your life with anyone with whom you've ever been romantically involved.



The only way for him to begin to believe that he will be happier with you than he is with her is to fall in love with you again. Contrast Effect will then work in your favor; he'll be overwhelmingly attracted to you, and she will look less attractive in comparison.

So yes. Take him on a date. Meet his intimate emotional needs (Recreational Companionship & Sexual Fulfillment) and invite him to meet yours (Intimate Conversation & Affection). Show him how best to meet your needs. Rebuild your love.

Um, this doesn't ring true to me because affairs are disgusting, horrific relationships. Totally wrong. They may SEEM romantic, but are based on lies, deceit and ugliness.

Yes, the rest of your advice rings true: fill that love bank and fall back in love.

This statement just hit me soooooo wrongly.

I could deposit, that is not problem, but the thing bother me is how could I face him, if his heart also with other.

I really hope he can figue out the feeling he has is based on the support he give to other, this support suppose should give to family, but he didn't, even he took from me, that mean I contribute some. I'm idiot. just hope he realize why she respect & appreciate, because this is the foundation he feel love & feel the need been fill. if without this, is she still appreciate?

I totally understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way! It took Dr. Harley explaining this over the phone for me to "get it".

The trouble is, your spouse isn't you. Your unfaithful spouse didn't feel the enormous pain of betrayal that you felt. If they ended the affair in the "right" way, they have a residual love bank balance. They sent a no-contact letter, ended the affair while still in love with the other person, lived through Withdrawal, and began a new life.

The alternative is to allow the affair to run its course. Allow the other person to have to fulfill all the emotional needs of the unfaithful spouse, and eventually they start making Love Bank withdrawals. If they are typical (95% are), they start making so many withdrawals that eventually the unfaithful spouse wonders what they saw in the other person, and possibly goes from Romantic Love to Like then to Dislike.

And in the meantime while you wait for the Love Bank deposits to go down and withdrawals to occur, the pain and violation of the affair keeps going on, putting your kids through hell and possibly causing a divorce.

So if you end the affair "the right way", you end up with a residual Love Bank balance in the heart of the unfaithful spouse, but with far less devastation than the affair ending with no Love Bank balance left after dying a natural death.

they end up by she left, so you mean I'll live with her forever

Nope. The feelings for the other person fade in time, and if you do the right things in sufficient quantity, you can love and trust each other again within two years.

Sorry, Heart, that I haven't been around to help the last day or so. My dad was put in the hospital with kidney and heart issues and I have been caught up in that. Well, that and a massive amount of school work.

The thing is, the affair was cheap - not a real, long-lasting relationship - and was based on a fantasy, not reality. That will NEVER compare to a true, genuine, long-term marriage in which 2 people commit to loving each other the right way, as spouses should.

SO...while there will always be scars of the affair and OW, it doesn't mean the OW has to affect your life forever.

I told my husband how I was feeling and he stepped up his game to make sure I feel loved; to ensure that I know I am the only one for him. You'll *know* if your husband has the potential of being teh right kind of husband for you when he is willing to commit 100% to your marriage and to making YOU his priority. Committing to the MB program is a great start. It has to be done with no qualms about "well, I'll do this, but not that...."

If your husband is willing to do that, withdrawal from the OW - no mater what he felt for her or why - will end and his feelings for you will start skyrocketing once again!

Just know, G.O, that you do a lot of good by sharing your side of things. Your posts help me as a former betrayed wife to understand my former wayward husband - and to be reassured of his ability to change.

I think part of all FBS's psyche is the concern of the old adage about a leopard not changing his spots - once a cheater, always a cheater, etc... You know, the worry of having to look over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. Reading your perspective strengthens what my husband tells me at home about his regret for what he did and that he - WE - are doing everything to ensure our marriage is affair proof in the future.

Wanted to note something interesting.

My H had to work late tonight. I mean REALLY late. It's 12:30 and he still isn't home. Of course, he told me about this a week ago - that he'd be working late because of some things that had to be done that could only be done after hours. (Lots of technical work, installing IT equipment, etc...)

Anyway, H has called me several times, texted me, and emailed me. He even sent pictures of him and the guy he's doing the work with!

I didn't have any qualms with him working tonight. He'll be home shortly, according to his last text. I just think it's really nice that H is taking the time to check in. I don't trigger over him working late because his affair mainly took place over the computer/phone with emails and texts. The physical part was all out of town - not an after work deal. But...I did tell him just days ago that I would need his support and encouragement this week, so I guess he really took it to heart.

TO add, with my dad being in the hospital this week and being concerned about him - H took the time to track down all the needed information from the nurses, talking to my mom, coordinating things with my brother, etc... I felt secure in him "taking charge" and being the person I can lean on!

Anyway, his actions this week have helped SO much! Every time I trigger these coming weeks I'm going to keep reminding myself of all the efforts he has made and keeps making.

Now that's affection!!!!!






AM

It warms my heart to see how far you have come.. What a great guy!

Sorry to hear about your dad.

You know, AM, it IS affection. I didn't think about it that way, but you're right. I have to start thinking "bigger". I have to stop thinking H does things to placate me so I won't get upset rather than thinking he does things because it's natural to share our lives together and he genuinely wants to ensure my happiness. Both are correct, but one way of looking at it is a little more positive than the other.

Thanks, Mel. I think Dad is going to get to go home today. He's feeling much better and they think his condition is manageable...good news!

And yes... H IS a great guy! It's nice to have HIM back!

Doormatnomore:


Hmmm. Intellectually, I understand this argument. But the concept of a wayward allowing himself to continue to "love" what I deem a criminal (affair partner, or at least a criminal in the terms of matrimony), seems wrong. And doesn't Harvey talk about this relationship as not "being real"? Sure "deposits" are made, needs are met, but they are shams when brought into the light of day?

GloveOil: Sorry to label you an expert, but you dispense MB's advice with clarity and that is such a godsend in thei forum for those of us that stumble around. Plus, your notes ARE inspirational and reveal the full spectrum of a man who thought he knew himself, fell and recovered. That is a struggle that MORE men should know about. You inspire me, and I wish my FWH were so secure in his recovery to help others, too. I believe it is self-reinforcing. So, THANK YOU, GLOVE OIL!

And finally Sunny! Yeah!!!!!!!!!! I'm glad you asked for and received the kind of communication you need. I hope to be feeling the same way you do the next time I ask my FWH to step it up!

Happy Friday, everyone!

Thank you for sharing your story, I really hope my H could do that.

Now, both of us don't know what should do, one day he ask me out, & another day, he said he need time to think why this happened, I e-mail the post about managing memory, one of the story is exactly as his, EA suddenly come one afternoon, only WS, then the woman left. I also hope he can find out, should I?

Same as me, hopeful then anger & hopeless

hope your dad getting better.

Heart, what you need to do is make sure he commits 100% to the Marriage Builders recovery program. Him sitting around wondering "why this happened" will do absolutely NO good.

Feelings follow actions. Meaning - you both have to take the right actions and your good feelings will return. If either of you sits around and waits for your feelings to lead, you will be doomed.

Can you all do the MB online program? That's what I would recommend if at all possible. Then you would have someone to coach you through it. If not, you can do the MB at home program with the workbooks, CDs, and books. They are very good - and you aren't left guessing as to "should we do this or not?" questions.

The main thing is that your H commits NOW to absolutely zero contact with OW: not to say hi, not to see how she is, not to ANYTHING. Second, the two of you commit to spending positive, quality time together - alone: 15-20 hours a week. Third, you devote yourselves to learning how to meet each other's needs, stopping negative behaviors in your marriage, and handling disagreements in a constructive way.

You've really got to get on the same team here, Heart, in order for recovery to happen.

We are reading the book, but a coach sounds good idea.
Thank you help me through these days.

You're welcome. I know how hard it can be! The workbook has been a Godsend to my H and I. The coaching offers personal accountability alond with the step by step instructions. It helps guide you through the "doing" part when you don't feel like it.

Writing this morning to hold myself accountable, I guess you would say.

As mentioned previously, this next week is all about the start of anti-versaries. Thankfully, H and I have plans this weekend that should keep us busy. We're going to D20's for parents weekend at college - and celebrating her birthday. I'm dreading the week after that.

Here's the thing: H has been great this week! It's been all about the little things - the small guestures that say, "I want you to be happy," as well as telling me he wants me to be happy. Well, I'm not happy. I'm not unhappy - I'm just not happy - but it doesn't have anything to do with him. I'm STRESSED! My dad has been in the hospital and I've got a ton of classwork on my hands: exams, projects, etc... I've had memories flooding in while trying to fight them off... not sleeping well... just a lot on my plate. I told H how swamped and overwhelmed I feel. Add to that, I don't think I am holding up my part of the bargain these days. Sure, I've been meeting some ENs of H's. Yet, on the other hand - I've let some other things go. Granted, it's only been short-term, but I'm not happy about it. I feel myself slipping in areas that I know I should not let slip. My house is a mess right now. I've gained a little weight due to eating on the run and letting my workouts slip. I haven't been disciplined with keeping the schedule around the house.

I told H I don't feel like I'm doing my job right now and he has been very understanding. He says it's important that school is such a priority right now and it's OK.

I don't want to beat myself up, trying to be Superwoman. This next month is just not looking any better: it's one exam, project, class presentation after another. On one hand I am frustrated thinking one person can't possibly do it all. On the other, I don't want to slip back into Old Sunny who let things go because she didn't want to deal with it.

I'm not sure if I need a 2x4 or a hug!!!!
LOL