True.....very true.

The problem isn't that he doesn't see things your way.

The problem is you're not in love with him right now.

Fix the right problem -- fall in love again -- and you'll both be much more likely to see things from the other point of view.

That's ultimately the heart of the MarriageBuilders philosophy. Don't go digging into the past to try to explain the present. All it does is bring your past problems INTO the present.

So when you see me harp on the fundamentals, that's always why. It takes time.

Imagine that you're trying to build an island in a lake. You row bucket after bucket of dirt and soil into the middle of the lake, to the exact same spot every time. You tip out the bucket into the water. You see no reward for your efforts for quite some time. Then one day, you see a little bit of dirt just below the surface. You dump your bucket, and WOW! You can see your island! But a small wave destroys your tiny island. You keep dumping buckets, and eventually it's a little bigger... but then a storm again destroys your efforts. But the foundation is there now, and you quickly make your island appear above the surface again.

Love is like the island. You see no reward for your efforts until your partner reaches the Romantic Love Threshold. And then you're in love. Romantic love can be washed away by negligence or circumstance. When you're in love you feel an overwhelming attraction to your spouse; when you don't, you know you're not in love. The point is to do what needs doing to fall in love over and over again.

If YOU are not in love with HIM right now, that means HE needs to step up his game and meet your needs in the way you want them met, and avoid behavior that makes you miserable. Of the two, it's more important he avoid the Love Busters first.

OK...so, I see your point, Door. I don't want to drag up the past, your right. Of course, I think H still needs to do some things differently (than in the past) - and me too - to get better results in the future. I don't mean about the affair: I mean about dealing with things in the new ways we've been learning.

You're right: I've taken some steps backwards in my feelings for him, esp. this past week or so. I keep focusing on it being because of triggers...but maybe you're right - it's because we aren't focusing on the basics.

So, what do I do? Tell him he needs to step up his game?! Isn't that going to be a LB from me to him? lol

This is ridiculous. I know this stuff. I could tell anyone (who wasn't me) exactly what to do, but right now I feel as much like an airhead as I never wanted to be. (Think about it. lol) I have not had to do this before.... I know the MB ways. I guess H and I did such a good job in the first part of recovery that we were just both crazy about each other, even in the hard days, that application wasn't as necessary - at least not for harder things. We both wanted so much to stop LBs and meet needs.... all of that. We have had no issues with POJA because we were both so eager to please each other. Now, there's been a drop off - at least on my part. I didn't see it as not being in love with him, but obviously I'm not sitting here thinking how wonderful things are right now.

Of course, it's not that he isn't meeting any of my needs - but yes, he needs to do some work. I need to not leave him in the dark about what I need either.

So yeah - the island's been knocked a bit. I just haven't had to face telling my H that I need more from him up til now.

Saying, "Honey, I need your help," isn't a Selfish Demand. Saying, "I don't feel protected," is not a Disrespectful Judgment. It is very, very much in how you phrase what you're saying!

My typical advice here is that YOU need to organize YOUR thoughts before acting on them.

1. Sit down and go through the Love Busters. Use your book, if you have it, to catalog one by one what he is doing that makes you miserable. What has your husband done in each category in the past week? Don't go back further than a few days here, you want this to be CURRENT and PRESENT stuff he's doing that's robbing his balance in your Love Bank. If he's doing well avoiding a category of Love Busters, be sure to note that so you have praise for him in this list, too.

2. Go through your own Emotional Needs worksheet again. What isn't he fulfilling? How could he meet a need better?

Once you've organized your thoughts by writing them down, then a discussion with your husband would help. Don't dump them all on him at once -- he'll feel put-upon if you do -- but introduce that you need his help and would love to work on two or three things. Keep the discussion focused on which two or three things he'd like to do better this week.

And be ready for him to do the same for you! Particularly, if you aren't making love at least twice a week you can probably expect some sort of mention, often in a round-about fashion because he won't want to demand it...

Remember the Guidelines for Successful Negotiation. Keep the discussion Pleasant and Safe.

OK. This I can do! I won't do it tonight though unless the day goes better for him. He already emailed me saying he's having a rough day at work. It wouldn't be fair to put this on him tonight. OF course, tomorrow night I will be in class from 6-9pm. I hate to backburner it but it may just have to happen.

And uh....twice a week...not a problem. We usually double that easily!

Good suggestions. Like most men he's a "fixer" so giving him action he can take rather than just dumping feelings on him is a GREAT way to improve things quickly.

Yep, me too.

Do you guys own a copy of "Love Busters"? It goes over the process for resolving each kind of Love Buster, and I would rather not re-write it . My wife's feelings turned around really quickly once I stopped doing certain things that really annoyed her or made her otherwise unhappy. And all we did was answer the questions at the end of each chapter and did the exercises it prescribed at a rate of about one per week.

DNM is absolutly right, and it seems you have been in a partial recovery.

It is important that you do the work, both of you, enthusiastically, of recovery.

ALL of it, no skimping, no "That doesn't apply to us, we are different" Lay your marriage bare before you, with confidance that this is the right path to intimacy.

This is an opportunity of a lifetime, to have more than a marrige that just holds on, but thrives under fire, and one that remain your best gift that you can give each other and yourselves.

Thanks DNM, for pointing out the practical. I know the struggle you went through, and the success you have had, and you are one of MBs success storys. I guess all they have to do is do it now, and the rest will fall in place. It is good that you are posting this being that you have recovered so much, and the proof is right in front of you now.

Speaking of things for you to print out and read with your husband;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb2.cfm?recno=4&sublink=32&subsublink=212

Well, we did all the LB stuff (book/workbook) early on in recovery. However... a lot of things truly didn't appear to apply to us at the time. We discussed LBs from the past...but both of us feel great about not LBing much since recovery. We've changed so much. We talk so much more - and make thoughtful requests instead of selfish demands. Since him coming home, we've truly not felt either of us have been very guilty of that. We've also been very respectful of each other.

I would say that lately it is more of not meeting needs than LBing.

But yes...now that we are at a more practical place (honeymoon over) it would be good to revisit that questionnaire. It never hurts!

Awesome...thanks!

H is pretty affectionate. He tells me he loves me every day at least once. He's good about holding my hand or putting his arm around me or hugging me when I need it. He'll even give me a nice foot rub after a long day.

Having said that, I have repeatedly mentioned I need him to kiss me more. I even asked if he didn't do it because I have bad breath or am not a good kisser or something, lol. He's just never been much on kissing and it is a HUGE deal for me - and not just in SF.

This article will help. I need him to be affectionate the way I need him to - not just in the ways he feels most comfortable being so. (And vice versa)

We have the book and the MB at home workbook as well. We did the exercises in the workbook - and did read the book - but not so much questions in the book. Perhaps they are a bit different and we can take a look at those.

Don't know if this will make any difference, but be aware that there are older versions of the book.

Im sure that if if is within the last few years, and you bought it new, that it will suffice though..

OK, not sure if this is TMI, but my wife and I established "traditions" to our kissing. This helps me a lot.

* We kiss when one of us is about to leave somewhere.
* We kiss whenever one of us returns home from being elsewhere.
* We kiss whenever we meet in a public place away from home.
* We kiss first thing in the morning as we prepare breakfast for the family together (yep, home-cooked breakfast every morning! sure get tired sometimes though...)
* We kiss last thing before bed.

We kiss other times too, randomly, but those kinds of "traditions" help keep us kissing regularly. And most of them are new since 2009; although we kissed often before then, we had not created habits around it.

This sounds like a DJ to me.

On him taking the lead, a book that helped my DH and I was Love & Respect. A lot of their philosophies work well with Dr Harley's, but that book layed out a lot of the respect and leadership things I needed from my DH. It taught me how to let him lead. And, we had a tragedy this summer - my best friend passed away very suddenly in a house we shared with her (we had an apartment in her attic). I'm a very strong person, always have been. I had a hard time trusting him to be strong enough to lead our family. In that crisis he stepped up and really led us. He took care of me, he took care of everything. It was all I could do for several weeks to get one foot in front of the other. I realized after that I always thought he was weak and unable to lead because I never gave him the chance to lead and do things. It was an eye opening experience for me.

And, like DNM we kiss before we leave, when we see each other out, when we come home. He's very physically affectionate.

CP:
I'll check the version, but I'm pretty sure it's the latest.

DOOR:
FANTASTIC list! I think that would definitely meet my needs, but it has to be real kisses, not just pecks. lol

And homecooked breakfast every morning???? WOW!!!! That's all I can say....Wow. Good for ya'll!

HOPEFUL:
I thought about that statement being a possible DJ. In my head I was thinking more along the lines of him not expressing himself as a deep person not that he doesn't have deep feelings. Also, with his penchant for just wanting to move on (not just from the affair, but in everything that he's dealt with: family stuff, etc...) he doesn't like to delve that deep and think on things. He would agree with me. But, it wasn't nice to say he isn't deep.

VERY sorry to hear about your friend. That is truly tragic! I understand. We've had 7 deaths in our family/close friends in the past 2 years! I DO want my H to lead. I'm sure he is capable. He has to be willing though. I will check out the book... thanks!

The breakfast thing was something we decided on after the affair... we felt like the arguments we'd had for months over my wife's "friend" had scarred the family quite a bit and we wanted to rebuild with the kids, too. So we wake up at 5AM five days a week, and typically wake the kids up by 5:45. This morning it was rice pudding (easy with last night's leftover rice from dinner!) & watermelon!

I heartily recommend it if you can make it work. The way rehearsal, church youth, and social activities go with my kids, we weren't having dinner together every night anymore. Had to do something to get that one meal a day with the whole family together!

I'm with you on this DoNoMo. I'm retired, but I get up every morning with my bride, walk the dog, feed all the pets, and prepare breakfast for us both - today was french toast. She leaves the house at 6:30am each day, and the half hour we grab together gets us both of to a great start. (This also is the reason why I'm usually posting here before 7:00am!)

UA time does not have to be highlighted as "This is UA time!" Gather what time you can with each other. It all counts.

Awesome plan! We instituted Family Night on Tuesday nights several months ago to help everyone heal a bit. We take turns planning. It's a little sad that D20 isn't here to do it with us though, being away at college. I wish we would've done something like this years ago instead of letting everyone's activities take priority over the family!

None of us are early risers...not sure breakfast would work! LOL. Having 2 teenage boys at home..well...they barely get up in time to throw on clothes, grab a protein bar, and head out to school.

BUT...they do like when I make "brinner".

You know....it would drive my love bank sky high if my H learned to cook a meal or two. I don't care if it's breakfast, lunch, dinner, or just dessert and coffee... I am really tired of having to be the sole meal preparer. I can't complain - it isn't something I've asked for, but it is something I WILL ask for now that you guys mention it. My dad cooks. My brother cooks. THere's no reason my H can't cook a little and my sons can't learn to cook! It was more understandable when I was home all the time but now that I am a full-time student doing Honors coursework, I have a full time job too!

When I started, I put limits on my endeavors. Initially, it was no more than four ingredients, or three steps. I still have a bunch of recipes that satisy those restrictions. (My chest is still all puffed up because MB just lauded my recent submission on "What's For Dinner" for its relative complexity!)

But it does NOT take any sublime skill to grill a steak, and roast some potatoes on the same flame. I'd urge you to slip a cooking requirement into your "just compensation" package regarding hubby attending to one meal a week.