Thats too bad that you can't travel together. I can understand it would be cost prohibitive to go to China. As far as having children in school, one couple I know had a 7, 9 and 12 year old and hired someone to stay with them.

My only concern about the webcam idea, while it is beneficial, is that it could be viewed as a solution. IT IS NOT. The webcam idea won't compensate for living apart. You will still end up feeling just as detached and you will still end up living independent lifestyles because you aren't together. You can't live an integrated, intimate life if you aren't there, after all.

I totally agree Melody, its not at all a solution, just a stopgap measure to stop any more love units being lost than necessary while he gets through any travel he has already agreed to do in the immediate future. The plan should always be to stop the travel completely or cut it down to a very low level, while recognising even small seperations have their problems. My hubby has had to do an average of 4 or 5 nights away per year and this is our solution to those nights).

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but H does have a lot of communication issues and whenever I have a problem or issue he takes it on board as his sole problem and feels that I am being critical of him, goes silent and offers me no support.

This is his response to all difficult subjects so they just don't normally get discussed.Like most of our problems they are swept under the carpet and fester and never truely get resolved because he feels so uncomfortable talking about them.

Americanjin.....a fair point but I'm looking for useful advice not unhelpful criticsim. I also see no DJ's.

These would be disrespectful judgments, Myrtle. Doesn't seem like your husband has any communication issues, seems more than willing to support you, and this issue certainly wasn't swept under the rug, was it? In fact, it sounds like your husband has been willing to do what's right as far as travel in the past, by your own admission, and is now willing to compromise in the present.

As far as what I said being unhelpful criticism? Perhaps you felt that way because everyone else was telling you what you wanted to hear, that your husband was the one who has to take action, while here I was questioning you about what it is that YOU were going to do. The whole post is about what you are requiring your husband to do, nothing much at all about what you can do to make this goal achievable.

She has been told what to do. The problem in her marriage is her husband's travel. Why go on goose chases for something else? Address the problem! As most of us agree, that addressing requires action by her husband. One spouse cannot "fix" the actions of another, only complain.

I have read this 3 times and don't see a SINGLE DJ! She is describing how he behaves when she complains and that is most certainly NOT a dj! Good grief, the issue here is not "dj's" but her husband's travel. Can we stay focused on the main problem, please?

I think saying that her husband has communicate issues may well be a dj. It sounds like he is stonewalling when they talk which may be a response to the way she communicates rather than his problem per se.

My husband also used to stonewall when I tried to talk to him about problems, learning how the way I spoke to him made him feel and changing those patterns made all the difference.

Americanjin I am NOT making DJ's about my Husband, and he would be the first to agree he has communication issues, it isn't just down to the way we communicate as a couple he has always had difficulties that he finds hard to overcome and this has led to problems in our marriage as a result and he has many times sought active help with his difficulties, through various therapists it is very frustrating for me as issues in our marriage rarely get addressed. We have had a year of counselling to try to overcome this in the past. My comments are sadly a fact.

My whole point of putting this post on here was to hear other peoples views to establish if this was just me over reacting or if I do have a valid point. I would and will do anything I can to make my Husband happy, he means the world to me and I am more than happy to accept a reduction in travel as a solution, I am only too aware that this is not just about me...

I agree Rosycheeks, I do have things I need to learn with regards to communication with my Husband.

So my latest dilemma, Husband is away this week and when speaking to him yesterday mentioned that he will be away again on the 23rd October for the week, am not that happy that he will only be home for 2 weeks before being off yet again,but I guess 2 weeks is better than one. However I feel somewhat aggrieved as that week is his birthday and half term week, which he had said he would take off as holiday.
I expressed my unhappiness at him not being home for the week as he had said and being apart on his birthday, which we have never done in 23 years together. How should I handle this disappointment?

That is not a new dilemma, but the same dilemma. Is he looking for a non traveling job? These kind of issues will be a chronic problem until he gets another position. I would spend all your energy on that until that changes and he no longer travels. This is a huge threat to your marriage and is not going away.

He has said that he will look for another job, if his travelling can't be cut right down, but he has been away all of this week so nothing has happened on that front. It took 2 years to find this job so it could take just as long to find another, and I'm just not sure how to handle this until he finds one.

I understand the difficulties he has trying to fit in his work commitments around us and to the best of my knowledge this trip hasn't been booked up yet, but will be as soon as he's back in the office on Monday. I don't want to kick up a big fuss about him being away on his birthday/half term but this is adding to the resentments I feel. He assured me he would never be away on family occasions and yet this doesn't seem to be the case. My 13 year old Son commented last night that he feels like Dad is never around lately.
How can I make my point that we would like him to make this trip after that week as it will cause too much disappointment for the family as a whole? I usually end up getting upset when I try to make my point and that isn't helpful.

I would just be open and honest with him about your unhappiness. And be sure and tell him what your son said.

Don't handle the disappointment ... solve the problem together!

ditto!!

Would he be enthusiastic about you submitting resumes on his behalf?

This is a reminder to refrain from providing links to non-MB resources on this site. Advertising is against TOS.

H returned from his Vegas trip Friday evening and was very quiet with me for much of the weekend. Unfortunately the day before he came home, he hadn't rung me for over a day and I sent him a text to ask if he was planning on phoning, knowing that he was about to go to work and wouldn't have much of a chance then or before he got on the plane home. Well he texted to say he was busy, fair enough, but then all I had was a 10 minute call with him sounding a little annoyed with me. I explained I was upset at not having heard from him and felt neglected. He said he had'd some problems to sort, and I said to forget it and move on.

Roll on to Sunday evening, I sat down and asked why he was being so quiet and indifferent towards me. He said he felt annoyed with me for hassling him over his lack of a phone call, he was stressed at the time, had a lot to sort out etc., which I completely understand, but explained again why I had felt as I did. I feel my hurt was totally justified, but he seems to think it's just me being me.....
It seems that this incident was just the straw that broke the camels back and his grevience with me is actually my telling him I am not happy with him travelling so often, he feels that I am putting unfair pressure on him. He feels I should be supporting him 100% in his efforts to be a success and make something of his new career. He loves the job, is enjoying it and doesn't want to leave it, or have the trouble and hassle of trying to find another job. I feel pushed into a corner, his compromise is to travel one week a month if he is permitted to cut it down to that, otherwise it seems that's it, I have to put up with it.

I have explained that my resentment will lead to furthur problems in our marriage (yes we have them, lack of cuommunication!) and if we can't sort this out it may well ultimately end our marriage, he said his resentment at my unfair demands will do the same to him.

I suggested he look at this thread and delve into the website furthur, but he didn't want to. I suspect because he knows he will discover that I'm not the only person who feels the way I do about his being away.

How do I get out this corner and how on earth do we move forward with this?

myrtle, the answer is in this article. I don't know whether anyone has suggested it to you before. When to Call It Quits (Part 1).

From it:

"It's sad to consider how many people put up with a loveless marriage and simply live independently. In fact, about 20% of all married couples die having been separated for many years. And while another 20% continue to live together, they don't have much of a relationship -- it's like your marriage. Only about 20% have a romantic relationship throughout marriage-they meet each other's intimate emotional needs.

If you want to be among the 20% that are happily married, you may need to do something drastic-like follow my plan. Or you will become one of the 20% that live together unfulfilled (like you are now), the 20% that stay married, but eventually separate for the rest of their lives together (like you may end up), or the remaining 40% who throw in the towel and divorce.

I strongly encourage you to be among the 20% with a very fulfilling marriage. While your husband may not like my plan at first, especially if you separate from him, if it succeeds, he will be a much happier man. He will come to recognize, as you do, that a great marriage requires a mutual effort. Both spouses must take their marital responsibilities seriously by meeting each other's intimate emotional needs."

Would anyone be enthusiastic about a spouse submitting a resume for a job on their behalf?

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